Wullie signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training. When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him.
The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang."
The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Wullie is at the end of the line and again they run out just before they get to him.
The Sergeant tells him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of his pretend rifle. So Wullie goes running through the mock battle with his stick yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab,stab."
Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into real battle. Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing craft, hitting the beach. Unfortunately, they have never given him a real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the heck he is going to do.
As the unit fights his way inland, Wullie mindlessly points his stick at an enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he aims his stick at another and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." And that enemy falls over dead!
Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy soldier he sees, yelling "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." Enemy soldiers are dropping like flies!
An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him. Wullie points his stick and yells, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." The other guy drops and writhes in pain.
All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path. Wullie carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." But the enemy soldier just keeps coming.
Wullie tries again, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!" Nothing. As the enemy soldier gets closer, Wullie cries out, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." But the enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him.
As Wullie lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, "Tankidy, tank, tank, tank."

A terrorist attack has blown away two houses -
one made of straw and the other made of wood.
Police think that it's probably a lone wolf.

October is Eczema Awareness Month.
I'm selling scratch cards if anyone wishes to help.

People who get sayings wrong.
That really gets my coat.

The fact men and women don't understand each other can be epitomised by one word......Flatulence
To women it's an embarrassing by product of indigestion
To men it's a constant source of amusement.

Not feeling too great, just been to the Chinese buffet and really filled my boots...
In hindsight, squelching around town in Chow Mein isn't a good idea.

I often think about my old Grandpa. He suffered his whole life after being exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray during WW1.

He was a seasoned veteran.

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Susie: "I want to a role model for all young women; successful, independent and proud".

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked and speechless...

Susie: "Wait! I've changed my mind! I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"

It's been a terrible morning. I got stuck in my condo building after someone dropped a viagra in the lift.

It took hours for it to go down.

37 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I often think about my old Grandpa. He suffered his whole life after being exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray during WW1.

He was a seasoned veteran.

Did he take part in all the major asalts and pepper all the enemy vinigerously?

46 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

October is Eczema Awareness Month.
I'm selling scratch cards if anyone wishes to help.

Can I be a bit rash and ask if I can help spread the word for you?

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."

"Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

Waiting game
A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

 

Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

 

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

 

"Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater."

 

"How old are you, son?" the officer asked.

 

"I'm twenty," the boy replied, looking at his watch.

 

"And in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen."

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a bus

What's the difference between a magician and a row of showgirls?
One has an array of cunning stunts...

The scariest thing happened on my first parachuting lesson. The first time you jump, you get harnessed to the Instructor.

 

As I plummeted through the air, waiting for the instructor to open the parachute, he turned to me and asked "So, how long have you been an Instructor for?"

4 hours ago, fangless said:

Did he take part in all the major asalts and pepper all the enemy vinigerously?

No, he didn't have thyme for all that.

4 hours ago, fangless said:

Can I be a bit rash and ask if I can help spread the word for you?

That's a cracking thing to do.

14 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

No, he didn't have thyme for all that.

Did Rosemary mint that sparsley thought out answer for you?

????

1 minute ago, VocalNeal said:

She can drive me round the bend anytime!

39 minutes ago, ravip said:

The scariest thing happened on my first parachuting lesson. The first time you jump, you get harnessed to the Instructor.

 

As I plummeted through the air, waiting for the instructor to open the parachute, he turned to me and asked "So, how long have you been an Instructor for?"

Did you fall for each other immediately or did something blossom between you to save you from each other?

2 minutes ago, fangless said:

Did Rosemary mint that sparsley thought out answer for you?

????

All these excema jokes are irritating

 

49 minutes ago, ravip said:

What's the difference between a magician and a row of showgirls?
One has an array of cunning stunts...

While the magician plays with his majic wand as the showgirls wander on magically!

"Ode to the Spell Checker!"

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

4 minutes ago, overherebc said:

All these excema jokes are irritating

 

We have only started to scratch the surface with them!