My new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant.
Roll on next year!

If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say 7 up is Lemonade.

News: ‘Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’
He obviously needs a calmer chameleon.

Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth.  I went mental!!!!
No one treats me like a mug.

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son.”
“Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”
He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words.
“Stop shaking the ladder you little <deleted>!”

I just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
I can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I got fired from my job as a set designer today.

I left without making a scene.

Is your redundancy being made in stage payments? 

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…

Ouch!

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

Game on! as they say.

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth.  I went mental!!!!
No one treats me like a mug.

Maybe they wanted to stir you into action or just to get you hot and stewed!

.

4 hours ago, Zyxel said:

England is still approaching the meter system inch by inch

32 minutes ago, mrpakchong said:

England is still approaching the meter system inch by inch

I would go the whole mile if I could but It depends on the yardstick you are using in this leauge to fathom it out but I beleive in going steady with just one foot in front of the other at a time!

Translation of a Hotel Brochure.

 

Getting There

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. 

 

The Hotel

This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. 

 

The Restaurant

Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. 

 

Your Room

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity!! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. 

 

Your bed

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear.   If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

 

Above All

When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.