Guinness Brewery
     Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
     ‘Brenda, may I come in?’ he asks. ‘I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.’
     ‘Of course you can come in. You’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?’
     ‘That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.’
     ‘Oh, God, no!’ cries Brenda. ‘Please don’t tell me.’
     ‘I must, Brenda. Your husband, Seamus, is dead and gone. I’m sorry.’
     Finally, she looks up at him. ‘How did it happen, Tim?’
     ‘It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned.’
     ‘Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?’

     ‘Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to relieve himself and make room for some more.’

The Divine Plan (Insert countries and sports/pastimes as required- The following is a template!

     Once upon a time in the kingdom of heaven, God goes missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel finds him, resting on the seventh day. He enquires of God, ‘Where have you been?’
     God lets out a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly points downwards through the clouds. ‘Look, Michael, look what I’ve made.’
     Archangel Michael looks puzzled and says, ‘What is it?’
     ‘It’s a planet,’ replies God, ‘and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth, and it’s going to be a place of great balance.’
     ‘Balance?’ enquires Michael, still confused.
     God explains, pointing to different parts of Earth. ‘For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there, I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. And see this – I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and unwelcoming, while South America will be poor and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America, which is another hot spot. Can you see the balance?’
     ‘Yes,’ says the archangel, impressed by God’s work. Then he points to a large land mass and asks, ‘What’s that one?’
     ‘Ah,’ said God. ‘That’s Australia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rain-forests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous, and they’re going to be found travelling the world.
     ‘They’ll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them superhuman, invincible cricket, rugby and tennis, and golfers who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.’
     Michael gasps in wonder and admiration, but then exclaims, ‘But you said there would be balance!’
     God replies wisely,

‘Wait until you see the weird, lazy, sheep-rooting Kiwi scoundrels I’m putting next to them!’
 

The Slug
     There is this slug, y’see, creeping along in a rather dark, wet spot at the bottom of the garden, which he has just discovered. Too late, he realises that he has wandered into a bad part of town where all the snails are known to be hard-shell hooligans. In an instant, the hooligan snails are all over him, have mugged him, taken his wallet and left him bruised and battered at the bottom of a rose bush.

 

The police round up some suspect snails and arrange an identity parade.

The slug looks at all the snails in turn and then shakes his head ruefully.

 

‘It’s no use,’ he wails. ‘I can’t recognise any of them – it all happened so fast!’
 

What do you get when you cross:-

A parrot with a shark?

A bird that will talk your ear off. 
 

Chat-up Line:- I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
 

13 hours ago, roo860 said:

Alright alright, we heard you the first time.

23 minutes ago, fasteddie said:

Alright alright, we heard you the first time.

Just switch off your echo and or second sight functions and you will only read once!

???? 

 

Pages of them on Lazada ...

.BLM SUPPORTERS HOLD A PEACEFUL LOOTING SESSION IN A SUPERMARKET

IN KENOSHA IN RESPONSE TO THE  RITTENHOUSE NOT GUILTY VERDICT.

 

The Kiwi Prime Minister accepting a bribe.