I actually looked into this years ago. While travelling through Germany I gained access to a little-known archive beneath Hamburg Town Hall. After several hours of research, two steins of lager, and a misunderstanding involving a hot barmaid and a bratwurst, I uncovered the truth. The hamburger was indeed named after Hamburg, but not for the reason most people think. In the 14th century Hamburg was plagued by a man called Klaus Burger - a long distant relative of Johannes Christian Trump, a resident of the small German village of Kallstadt - the village idiot in the village from where all the idiots from the villages missing their idiot ended up. Every time something went catastrophically wrong, the townsfolk would throw up their hands and shout: "Ach... Burger!" A farmer marries his cousin only to discover she's already married to another cousin? The double Burger - yes, thats another origin. Eventually local taverns began serving a cheap pile of minced meat between two slices of bread. It was messy, questionable, and usually regretted the following morning. Naturally, they named it after Klaus. The "ham" part was added centuries later when an English tourist overheard "Hamburg Burger" after fourteen pints and assumed it contained ham. Nobody corrected him because Germany had already spent several hundred years trying, unsuccessfully, to explain things to the British and they didn't want to get head butted. So that explains the Whitehouse link, the claim Trump's invented is only partially accuratel And now, according to recently declassified documents, highlighting a generational link - he [Trump] did not invent the hamburger. He merely increased its diameter by 40%, renamed it the Freedom Burger, and insisted it was the greatest burger ever created, perhaps in human history, many people are saying it. Then America gave the world the Smashed Burger - Historians remain divided on its origins, although some believe the name was inspired by a certain New York socialite who had spent many years becoming thoroughly acquainted with regularly getting on the receiving end of a good old fashioned 'smashing' before crossing paths with any future president - initially called the Melinda Burger - initially with added layers of brisket symbolising the labia majora - the beef-curtains... later adjusted to 'bacon' for that salty taste. Later, following a highly successful labia majoraplasty, The next leap in culinary history is said to have been have pioneered - The Malinda Cream Pie was invented. According to rumour, the event was captured on a nanny-cam and subsequently locked away in the same archive as the Epstein files. Shortly thereafter, the Cheeseburger entered the history books. Sadly, most of the original records have disappeared. Some say they were destroyed in a fire. Others claim they are locked in a vault somewhere between the JFK files and Hunter Biden's laptop. Either way, the official story has been flattened, repackaged and supersized beyond recognition, which, coincidentally, is also how Americans prefer their burgers and their political discourse.
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