I had an (unplanned) child with my Thai partner four years ago. I tried to make it work but I'm miserable. Looking for advice.

[asf6]

3 minutes ago, Chinaski1990 said:

I've learned a bit but not enough to have a full conversation in Thai. In the same way that her English is still pretty bad for someone who has lived in my country where English is widely spoken since 2020. 

Maybe you can teach her your own language instead of English. I'm guessing it's Dutch, but whatever it is, it will be useful for her to learn and not too difficult for you to help her learn it. It can be a new shared activity for you both. 

[blackcab]

An off topic post has been removed.

[norfolkandchance]

Forgive my ignorance but if your not married, What visa does she hold ?

[DrCosmix]

7 minutes ago, Chinaski1990 said:

Living in the EU although would rather not get too specific on which country. We are not married. Our child has two passports...Thailand and my country. 

So get back  here. Settle down. Then you return  to EU work and send  1000 euros a month which is plenty. She can do part-time  work. The school 3500 a term.

Take action  before  she visits  a feminist  lawer and takes everything off you THEN you will know real unhappiness.  Get her out  of Europe and into Thailand. Pretend  its a Thailand holiday but basically you are ********** if you stay in Europe even if you  didnt get married. She will be in contact with other Thai single divorced women who know how to work the divorce  system TBH most Thai girls are planning on divorce as part of the 'European marriage move.' They know the behaviour  patterns, sulking  cold shoulder, silent treatment etc all designed to demoralise  you and men like you.

You have  to get out and remember your daughter  is learning to be emotionally stunted from her mother.  Thai women learn terrible behaviour  traits from their  mothers notably emotional manipulation not any kind of communication  or negotiation...get out now..

[Chinaski1990]

11 minutes ago, norfolkandchance said:

Forgive my ignorance but if your not married, What visa does she hold ?

Being a parent of a child from my country provides her with a long-term visa. 

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

1 hour ago, Chinaski1990 said:

Normal relationships do not see one partner either watching dramas or scrolling Facebook while the other reads books. 

 

I wouldn't be so sure about that, especially in Thailand with mixed marriages.

 

From my perspective, it's healthy for couples to have time to do things together that they both enjoy, and then apart from that, time to do things that may be their individual interest not necessarily shared by the other spouse. I see nothing wrong with that.

 

I don't have long philosophical discussions with my wife or necessarily discuss whatever news of the day I may have found interesting. But we enjoy each other's company, regardless of whether we're doing together or separate things. And of course at the end of every day, there's night-time together in bed, which is always enjoyable!

 

The OP said he and the wife had common enjoyment of traveling together and Thai food.... Those are shared things and building blocks to enjoy in a relationship together, along with raising their daughter.

 

 

[Chinaski1990]

2 minutes ago, Don Chance said:

Suck it up buttercup.

 

There is no right or wrong relationships. The only wrong relationship is where there is abuse. And that does not sound like the case here. Sounds like you are the child, you are bored and what to run away from your family. Lame.

It's easy to call it lame to want to run away but the vast majority of relationships with kids do not pan out like mine where there is minimal interesting conversation or shared interests. Especially an entire eight years. I'm just tired of trying to make it work and still seeing her scrolling social media for 8 hours per day. 

[BritManToo]

5 minutes ago, Chinaski1990 said:

I'm just tired of trying to make it work and still seeing her scrolling social media for 8 hours per day. 

Seems like normal behaviour for all modern women to me.

Get used to it, or move to a desert island with no internet.

[Tayida]

Go on for your daughter and for her only and leave the unhappiness that your marriage brings in your life.

[gargamon]

It's a little late for you but maybe someone else would benefit. You should have visited the veterinarian for a vasectomy before coming (pun intended) to Thailand. No unplanned pregnancies in that case, and only a few thousand Euros to get artificial insemination done if decided by all parties involved. 

[brianthainess]

We have 2 TVs, ;Good morning, did you water the Durian trees today, what you want eat today, we need eggs and washing powder.  i'll let you know if any other stimulating conversation comes up 

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

6 minutes ago, brianthainess said:

We have 2 TVs, ;Good morning, did you water the Durian trees today, what you want eat today, we need eggs and washing powder.  i'll let you know if any other stimulating conversation comes up 

The simple things in life.... ????

 

In our family, the "what do you want to eat today" is always a big item of discussion, especially since I do the shopping, and my wife doesn't cook.

 

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

13 minutes ago, gargamon said:

should have visited the veterinarian for a vasectomy

The OP may be a "stud," but not THAT kind of stud! 

[jaideedave]

39 minutes ago, DrCosmix said:

So get back  here. Settle down. Then you return  to EU work and send  1000 euros a month which is plenty. She can do part-time  work. The school 3500 a term.

Take action  before  she visits  a feminist  lawer and takes everything off you THEN you will know real unhappiness.  Get her out  of Europe and into Thailand. Pretend  its a Thailand holiday but basically you are ********** if you stay in Europe even if you  didnt get married. She will be in contact with other Thai single divorced women who know how to work the divorce  system TBH most Thai girls are planning on divorce as part of the 'European marriage move.' They know the behaviour  patterns, sulking  cold shoulder, silent treatment etc all designed to demoralise  you and men like you.

You have  to get out and remember your daughter  is learning to be emotionally stunted from her mother.  Thai women learn terrible behaviour  traits from their  mothers notably emotional manipulation not any kind of communication  or negotiation...get out now..

???? You have just given this fellow a million $ worth of advice. If he takes heed of what you mentioned he has a 2nd chance.If he doesn't he's _____ed!

I sincerely hope he reads your post. I wish I had someone like you on my side when I made stupid blunders of looking for love in all the wrong places..just like the song. My hearts racing right now. That BS cost me a few broken hearts and a small fortune. 555

[Mavideol]

2 hours ago, transam said:

That reads like a normal marriage to me, and I have had a few........ 

I didn't want to but have to agree with you, very familiar situation.... 555

[Fat is a type of crazy]

Couples don't normally sit happily chatting away about books films and philosophy. Especially after a few years and especially thai girls. Do you really want to come home from work and have someone discussing books films and philosophy? 

Sometimes if you can put the smile back on her face you might feel happier. Happy wife. Happy life. Happy child. Buy her flowers tomorrow. Make her feel wanted. Don't make her feel guilty for being who she is. No one's fault or both of your's fault the situation happened. 

Seems like you admit the problem may be you and your issues with the past so it is may be no better with a new lady.

Given the financial situation you could breathe and realise marriage is a bit of a bore but make the most of it, or if it is beyond fixing as a couple talk to her and consider living separately together for the kid, or give it a go as a family in Thailand if that is an option.

Or get a better job and pay lots of child support and get your freedom back but at a huge cost. It's not easy but hang in there. 

[Dante99]

2 hours ago, Chinaski1990 said:

Normal relationships do not see one partner either watching dramas or scrolling Facebook while the other reads books. 

A lot do just that and get along.

[CartagenaWarlock]

Take your daughter to USA for her future. 

[sungod]

Life is not easy, get on with it....

[Andre0720]

"I guess I've suffered from awful self esteem and depression for many years because I grew up around unhappy parents. It feels like I'm repeating that exact same process. Even though we don't argue, I repress the sadness and loneliness I feel and my mood is often low."

 

I think that here you describe the situation quite clearly. Your difficulty in being happy and difficulty in living happily with someone stems from your parents, and for many people in the same situation, they will not be able to overcome that. Just the way it is...

 

James Redfield wrote this book 'The Celestine Prophecy' in 1993, in which he discusses various psychological and spiritual ideas rooted in multiple ancient Eastern traditions and New Age spirituality.

 

For the purposes of the subject matter, I will focus on the psychological notions contained in that book.

 

But briefly, Redfield has developed the understanding that people use Manipulative Strategies to control people, to obtain ENERGY from other people, and that these strategies will leave indelible marks on children subjected to these manipulations.

 

The NEW AGE aspect of the book describes alternatives for obtaining ENERGY, other than stealing it from people.

 

The PSYCHOLOGICAL aspect of the book describes how this theft of ENERGY affects people, and how to deal with it.

 

So Redfield describes 4 manipulative strategies, ranging from the most AGGRESSIVE, to the more PASSIVE.

 

The AGGRESSIVE strategies                                                                The PASSIVE strategies

 

INTIMIDATION                                                                                          VICTIM

INTERROGATOR-CRITICAL                                                                    ALOOFNESS

 

 

Now a child raised in a family where one of the parents uses one of these strategies will develop a strategy of his own, to counteract the manipulative strategy that he is being subjected to. Redfield  describes it as being a strategy to give the parent an amount of ENERGY needed to defuse this manipulation that he is subjected to. Now a child learns for the rest of his life to use that response to manipulations. Unfortunately.

 

So when a child is faced with repetitive Intimidations, he will find that adopting a response as a Victim will calm the situation.

And when a child is faced with repetitive Critical Interrogations, he will find that adopting a response as distant and aloof will calm the situation.

 

Some children of course are born and raised in a household where parents do not need to steal energy from people, do not use these manipulative strategies. Lucky children.

 

So what you are saying is that you were not one of the lucky ones.

And you seem to have adopted "Passive Strategies", namely being 'victim', or 'aloof', which makes you feel unhappy inside yourself, and makes you look unhappy also, in the eyes of others, including the eyes of a life partner.

 

So one strategy that you could try, is to make a note inside the palm of your hand, that reads "SMILE". And look at it many times a day. And go for long walks and look at the sky, and tell yourself that is is beautiful, and that clouds are beautiful. And try to increase your awareness, of what image you are casting to others from your body language.

 

So you could try to counteract the effect inside you, created from observing your parents when you were young. And if these simple things were to work, and make you 'FEEL' happy, you should consider yourself lucky then.

But what has happened to you is 'not your fault'. But if you cannot get yourself to be "aware', that would be your fault.

So once the awareness is there, that you are looked at as this cool guy who wears a smile, things will get easier.

Good luck

 

 

 

[BritManToo]

2 minutes ago, Andre0720 said:

 

I think that here you describe the situation quite clearly. Your difficulty in being happy and difficulty in living happily with someone stems from your parents, and for many people in the same situation, they will not be able to overcome that. Just the way it is...

Unhappy is a personal choice. 

Choose to be happy! 

[DrCosmix]

1 hour ago, Chinaski1990 said:

It's easy to call it lame to want to run away but the vast majority of relationships with kids do not pan out like mine where there is minimal interesting conversation or shared interests. Especially an entire eight years. I'm just tired of trying to make it work and still seeing her scrolling social media for 8 hours per day. 

Your feelings  are valid. ignore the trolling and goading about "sucking it up"

As long as you pay she will continue to behave the way she  does. Stop paying.  Stop working. The kid should  be at school. Who bought her  a computer or mobile phone. Shes spoilt. You consult a lawer. Try to get her visa revoked suggest couple counselling- if she refuses thats grounds for legal action. 

Spending so  much time on social  media is a terrible  example  for the  child.

You need her out of  your life and out of your  country.

She sounds like a parasite to me and she is exploiting you using  the kid.

[DrCosmix]

13 minutes ago, CartagenaWarlock said:

Take your daughter to USA for her future. 

LOL

[DrCosmix]

4 minutes ago, Andre0720 said:

"I guess I've suffered from awful self esteem and depression for many years because I grew up around unhappy parents. It feels like I'm repeating that exact same process. Even though we don't argue, I repress the sadness and loneliness I feel and my mood is often low."

 

I think that here you describe the situation quite clearly. Your difficulty in being happy and difficulty in living happily with someone stems from your parents, and for many people in the same situation, they will not be able to overcome that. Just the way it is...

 

James Redfield wrote this book 'The Celestine Prophecy' in 1993, in which he discusses various psychological and spiritual ideas rooted in multiple ancient Eastern traditions and New Age spirituality.

 

For the purposes of the subject matter, I will focus on the psychological notions contained in that book.

 

But briefly, Redfield has developed the understanding that people use Manipulative Strategies to control people, to obtain ENERGY from other people, and that these strategies will leave indelible marks on children subjected to these manipulations.

 

The NEW AGE aspect of the book describes alternatives for obtaining ENERGY, other than stealing it from people.

 

The PSYCHOLOGICAL aspect of the book describes how this theft of ENERGY affects people, and how to deal with it.

 

So Redfield describes 4 manipulative strategies, ranging from the most AGGRESSIVE, to the more PASSIVE.

 

The AGGRESSIVE strategies                                                                The PASSIVE strategies

 

INTIMIDATION                                                                                          VICTIM

INTERROGATOR-CRITICAL                                                                    ALOOFNESS

 

 

Now a child raised in a family where one of the parents uses one of these strategies will develop a strategy of his own, to counteract the manipulative strategy that he is being subjected to. Redfield  describes it as being a strategy to give the parent an amount of ENERGY needed to defuse this manipulation that he is subjected to. Now a child learns for the rest of his life to use that response to manipulations. Unfortunately.

 

So when a child is faced with repetitive Intimidations, he will find that adopting a response as a Victim will calm the situation.

And when a child is faced with repetitive Critical Interrogations, he will find that adopting a response as distant and aloof will calm the situation.

 

Some children of course are born and raised in a household where parents do not need to steal energy from people, do not use these manipulative strategies. Lucky children.

 

So what you are saying is that you were not one of the lucky ones.

And you seem to have adopted "Passive Strategies", namely being 'victim', or 'aloof', which makes you feel unhappy inside yourself, and makes you look unhappy also, in the eyes of others, including the eyes of a life partner.

 

So one strategy that you could try, is to make a note inside the palm of your hand, that reads "SMILE". And look at it many times a day. And go for long walks and look at the sky, and tell yourself that is is beautiful, and that clouds are beautiful. And try to increase your awareness, of what image you are casting to others from your body language.

 

So you could try to counteract the effect inside you, created from observing your parents when you were young. And if these simple things were to work, and make you 'FEEL' happy, you should consider yourself lucky then.

But what has happened to you is 'not your fault'. But if you cannot get yourself to be "aware', that would be your fault.

So once the awareness is there, that you are looked at as this cool guy who wears a smile, things will get easier.

Good luck

 

 

 

Its a theory...thats all. An unproven theory that adds to people's guilt when they can't  make it  work

[scubascuba3]

1 hour ago, Chinaski1990 said:

It's easy to call it lame to want to run away but the vast majority of relationships with kids do not pan out like mine where there is minimal interesting conversation or shared interests. Especially an entire eight years. I'm just tired of trying to make it work and still seeing her scrolling social media for 8 hours per day. 

She'll meet someone else easy enough in farangland, maybe she can get some form of govt benefit as mother of a farang child to cover any shortfall you can't afford.  Once the financials sort themselves out you'll both be happier

[DrCosmix]

1 hour ago, BritManToo said:

Seems like normal behaviour for all modern women to me.

Get used to it, or move to a desert island with no internet.

What is her contribution to the marriage?

[DrCosmix]

3 hours ago, decline said:

End the relationship

Its already over

[bignok]

Make up your own mind. Other people can't live your life for you. 

[GinBoy2]

So, you are in some unnamed European country.

 

I'm assuming she has some long term visa, so has a right to remain.

 

Sounds like a typical breakup. 

 

You get a place of your own, you'll figure out the usual child visitation stuff, and you both move on with your lives.

 

Try to stay friends at least, after all she is the mother of your child

[rankric]

drama queen. Its called being a man and taking responsibility.

 

You get up to work every day because you have to, being a parent requires the same mind set. You are not an I anymore you are a We.

 

Or you can wilt and become one of those guys that blames the people in your life for all your failures. Plenty around.

 

Men suck it up and get on with it. Shes been in your country 3 years during a covid extraordinary event. If your child is happy and you are relaxed enough to read books then stop judging another persons intetests and learn to be accepting of others.

 

Your other isssue being you lack any experience in real relationships since you were a child of 21.

 

Your not 21 anymore you are not an I.