PART 2 Thai Wife Being Bullied By Family

[thefarangteacher]

I made a topic last year about my wife’s family getting on her case for not giving money to her grandma. The short version is my wife and I decided to pay the grandma 2,000 baht a month, and if more money is ever asked for the payments stop. 
 

Moving on, now my wife’s toxic family is saying behind my wife’s back that they are “losing face” due to us not having had our traditional Thai village wedding. We married during COVID, so it was off the table then, and as of now both of my parents are sick and cannot fly to Thailand, so of course it’s not going to happen until that changes. Additionally, the big sticking point for me is, of course, the dowry or sinsod; I refuse to pay one on principle. I also believe that, since I’m now giving the recipients of any potential future sinsod 2,000 baht per month already that that should be sufficient. I’ve already compromised on the 2,000 baht payments as it is, so I feel the other side (the toxic family) should be willing to make their own compromise in turn. My wife wants me to include a comment from one of the toxic relatives here: “Even [my wife’s] fat, ugly, and stupid cousin got a sinsod of 50,000 baht.” That’s what we’re working with here. 
 

My attitude is that if and when we do have a wedding that it’s for us and will be done whichever way we want; it’s not for relatives that feel entitled to having it done a certain way. 
 

The comments from my topic last year were very helpful so I thought I’d share this other problem. My wife really is being driven crazy by these relatives so any and all advice is appreciated. 

[Bday Prang]

56 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

I made a topic last year about my wife’s family getting on her case for not giving money to her grandma. The short version is my wife and I decided to pay the grandma 2,000 baht a month, and if more money is ever asked for the payments stop. 
 

Moving on, now my wife’s toxic family is saying behind my wife’s back that they are “losing face” due to us not having had our traditional Thai village wedding. We married during COVID, so it was off the table then, and as of now both of my parents are sick and cannot fly to Thailand, so of course it’s not going to happen until that changes. Additionally, the big sticking point for me is, of course, the dowry or sinsod; I refuse to pay one on principle. I also believe that, since I’m now giving the recipients of any potential future sinsod 2,000 baht per month already that that should be sufficient. I’ve already compromised on the 2,000 baht payments as it is, so I feel the other side (the toxic family) should be willing to make their own compromise in turn. My wife wants me to include a comment from one of the toxic relatives here: “Even [my wife’s] fat, ugly, and stupid cousin got a sinsod of 50,000 baht.” That’s what we’re working with here. 
 

My attitude is that if and when we do have a wedding that it’s for us and will be done whichever way we want; it’s not for relatives that feel entitled to having it done a certain way. 
 

The comments from my topic last year were very helpful so I thought I’d share this other problem. My wife really is being driven crazy by these relatives so any and all advice is appreciated. 

 

 

 

 

The original arrangement was that if they asked for more than the original 2000bt / month the money would stop, this is what they are now, predictably, doing.  So you must stop the allowance immediately to show you meant  business, you will not be respected by any of them if you are seen as weak 

 

  Don't shoot yourself on the foot though  how old are your wife's parents,? how many siblings does she have,? how much (unmortgaged) land do they own?, Do they have life insurance? ( sounds unlikely)  bear in mind if the youngest sibling is a brother, mummy's little soldier will probably cop for the bulk of any inheritance, If the figures don't add up in your favour give them nothing

 

  Also bear in mind, 50,000 bt is only 2 years payments   maybe give them a lump sum and stop the payments, if they live over 2 years you are in pocket

 

 

 

 

[impulse]

I'd move to another city where I didn't have to deal with toxic relatives.

 

If she comes along, great.  If not, that's all you need to know. 

 

Otherwise, you'll be miserable for the rest of your marriage.

 

[Bday Prang]

4 minutes ago, impulse said:

I'd move to another city where I didn't have to deal with toxic relatives.

 

If she comes along, great.  If not, that's all you need to know. 

 

Otherwise, you'll be miserable for the rest of your marriage.

 

That's also a good option, he might not like how it turns out . but its for the best

[thefarangteacher]

7 minutes ago, impulse said:

I'd move to another city where I didn't have to deal with toxic relatives.

 

If she comes along, great.  If not, that's all you need to know. 

 

Otherwise, you'll be miserable for the rest of your marriage.

 

We can’t move for the time being due to work but my wife would come regardless. She doesn’t think moving away will necessarily solve the problem though. She just wants them to stop treating me and her disrespectfully like this. 

[DudleySquat]

1 hour ago, thefarangteacher said:

My wife really is being driven crazy by these relatives so any and all advice is appreciated. 

 

Step up to the front. Tell the relatives to <deleted> themselves. 

 

End.

[DudleySquat]

1 minute ago, thefarangteacher said:

We can’t move for the time being due to work but my wife would come regardless. She doesn’t think moving away will necessarily solve the problem though. She just wants them to stop treating me and her disrespectfully like this. 

 

Why do you care about how they respect or disrespect you? Teach your wife where her real family is. I get so tired of hearing about "my family" from the Thai GF.  The truth is that the "family" never did <deleted> for her and always had their hands out. Slap those hands and tell the louts to keep it to themselves.  

 

The good news is that most of them will probably die soon. 

 

Problem solved.

[Celsius]

I don't think you are completely in the right here bud.

 

I never paid sinsod in Thailand, but that is because my wives saved their face by putting their own money (the amount was outrageous, I would not agree to it anyway) or like with my last marriage the wife is Christian Chinese, so she didn't care much.

 

I can definitely tell you they are in fact losing face and if that is so important to the family you either should have given something or married another girl who doesn't care about sinsod.

 

 

[Bday Prang]

Another obvious  easy  option is simply don't get married, just keep telling them your sick parents are not yet well enough,

But you still need to stop the allowance, if only temporarily, or they will try it on again,  sick buffalo, or something similar

[tgw]

my question to the bullies would be, why don't they lie to save face ? seems like the standard procedure here.

[Lacessit]

The carrot is not working, time for the stick.

 

Tell them if they continue, you and your wife will move. Meantime, the payments to Grandma will stop as well, until they can prove they will treat you with respect.

Make sure they understand their behavior is why the ATM will close.

[Bday Prang]

32 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

She just wants them to stop treating me and her disrespectfully

Its essential that you do not appear weak. Or you will never be respected,  It's not really part of their culture for them to respect their daughter,  kids respect parents not the other way round.

Take no notice of them claiming to lose face,  they mistakenly think that westerners share and understand the same concept, neither is true

If that was their only concern they would settle for a token "show" of money on the wedding day many Thais do that,

They simply want money and its clear that they are after more than 50,000

Be firm but polite, no need to shout, 

 

[BangkokHank]

Tell them that in your culture, it's normal for the girl's family to pay the dowry - so where's your money? Keep asking them for money - until they start avoiding you.

[Bday Prang]

12 minutes ago, tgw said:

my question to the bullies would be, why don't they lie to save face ? seems like the standard procedure here.

They will have been doing that since the daughter met him, no doubt bragging around the village that the daughter has landed a prime catch, with a huge exaggerated  salary  of 200,000+ bt a month, from which he is already generously supporting  them.  The problem they now have is that they have nothing to show for it.  That is the only face they stand to lose

[Bday Prang]

20 minutes ago, Lacessit said:

Make sure they understand their behavior is why the ATM will close.

Very good point, it's like dealing with children sometimes

[OneMoreFarang]

2 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

My attitude is

my way or the highway.

 

Sure, you can do that. But do you expect to live like that happily ever after?

 

IMHO if you live in Thailand and if you have a Thai partner/wife, then you have to accept a good part of Thai reality.

If you don't do that you won't be happy and your wife won't be happy, and her family won't be happy.

Not a happy future. 

[Lacessit]

19 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

my way or the highway.

 

Sure, you can do that. But do you expect to live like that happily ever after?

 

IMHO if you live in Thailand and if you have a Thai partner/wife, then you have to accept a good part of Thai reality.

If you don't do that you won't be happy and your wife won't be happy, and her family won't be happy.

Not a happy future. 

It does not mean one has to accept every Thai tenet that comes along.

 

A couple of years ago, I had a culture clash with my GF. Our dog was dying slowly and painfully from cancer. I wanted to do the merciful thing, and get him euthanased. She said no, against her religion.

After thinking about it, I told her I was going back to the condo. If you do not have him put down, I don't want to see you for a couple of months.

Two days later, she phoned me to say a vet had put the dog down.

 

She was very distressed, saying she had done a bad thing. Over time, I have managed to convince her what she did was merciful.

It never ceases to amaze me how many otherwise rational people are f@cked in the head by religion.

Apologies if off topic.

 

[FruitPudding]

1 hour ago, DudleySquat said:

I get so tired of hearing about "my family" from the Thai GF.  The truth is that the "family" never did <deleted> for her and always had their hands out

 

This is the truth.

[thefarangteacher]

29 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

my way or the highway.

 

Sure, you can do that. But do you expect to live like that happily ever after?

 

IMHO if you live in Thailand and if you have a Thai partner/wife, then you have to accept a good part of Thai reality.

If you don't do that you won't be happy and your wife won't be happy, and her family won't be happy.

Not a happy future. 

I already compromised by agreeing to the monthly payments. That’s me accepting a “good part of Thai reality.” I’m not the party in this situation that has the “my way or the highway” attitude, which is my overall point. 

[The Cyclist]

2 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

Moving on, now my wife’s toxic family is saying behind my wife’s back that they are “losing face” due to us not having had our traditional Thai village wedding.

 

2 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

Additionally, the big sticking point for me is, of course, the dowry or sinsod; I refuse to pay one on principle.

 

Tell them that you understand the Thai culture / tradition of paying sinsod.

 

Tell them that in your culture the brides parents by tradition pay for the wedding, and you have at least 20 relatives that need to fly in for the wedding.

 

That should shut them up.

[Lacessit]

Just now, thefarangteacher said:

I already compromised by agreeing to the monthly payments. That’s me accepting a “good part of Thai reality.” I’m not the party in this situation that has the “my way or the highway” attitude, which is my overall point. 

There are some situations where one compromises, and some where a stand must be taken, otherwise the current state of affairs will continue.

IMO you have reached a point where you continue to be disrespected, or decide you have had enough.

 

[thefarangteacher]

54 minutes ago, Bday Prang said:

If that was their only concern they would settle for a token "show" of money on the wedding day many Thais do that

 

My wife and I don’t even want this. As I said in my original post, it’s our wedding, not theirs. We don’t want a sinsod to be a part of the ceremony because it’s a concept/tradition both of us find repellent on principle, even if it’s just for show. Why should we be forced to include something neither of us wants, especially when I’m already doing the monthly payments? 

[thefarangteacher]

1 minute ago, The Cyclist said:

 

 

Tell them that you understand the Thai culture / tradition of paying sinsod.

 

Tell them that in your culture the brides parents by tradition pay for the wedding, and you have at least 20 relatives that need to fly in for the wedding.

 

That should shut them up.

Very true! Worth considering. 

[NickyLouie]

What part of Issan is this in ?

[Neeranam]

2 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

Additionally, the big sticking point for me is, of course, the dowry or sinsod; I refuse to pay one on principle. I also believe that, since I’m now giving the recipients of any potential future sinsod 2,000 baht per month already that that should be sufficient.

You are in Thailand, do as the Thais do. The Sinsod is just for show and should be returned after the wedding. If they refuse, it is a bessing in disguies -  they didn't stick to the rules, so stop the 2,000 a month to grannie.

[Neeranam]

3 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

My wife and I don’t even want this. As I said in my original post, it’s our wedding, not theirs. We don’t want a sinsod to be a part of the ceremony because it’s a concept/tradition both of us find repellent on principle, even if it’s just for show. Why should we be forced to include something neither of us wants, especially when I’m already doing the monthly payments? 

I don't understand, do you not have the money?

It's important to negotiate, you never know how the family can help in the future for you and your kids.

What will your kids think of dad refusing to practice Thai traditions? They might feel less than as they are half Thai -  seen this often.

[Neeranam]

46 minutes ago, Bday Prang said:

from which he is already generously supporting  them

2,000 baht a month is not generous, esp from a farang.

[novacova]

2 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

The short version is my wife and I decided to pay the grandma 2,000 baht a month,

I would have walked before this point, with or without the wife.

[thefarangteacher]

7 minutes ago, Neeranam said:

2,000 baht a month is not generous, esp from a farang.

I’m in my mid-30. I’m not a retiree; I don’t have the kind of money those guys do due to their station in life. So from me, 2,000 baht a month is generous, especially since it’s 2,000 baht more than I give my sick parents. That’s a large part of the problem here: the family’s perception that just because I am a “farang” that I’m loaded. I’m not. The kind of sinsod someone with this attitude would ask for is something I could not afford (as written previously they’re already implying 50,000 baht would be a pittance so I’m assuming they would ask for at least double that). 

[novacova]

17 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

My wife and I don’t even want this. As I said in my original post, it’s our wedding, not theirs. We don’t want a sinsod to be a part of the ceremony because it’s a concept/tradition both of us find repellent on principle, even if it’s just for show. Why should we be forced to include something neither of us wants, especially when I’m already doing the monthly payments? 

You don’t need to forced into doing anything. My wife’s aunt wanted sinsod, I said forget it and my wife threatened to elope with me, not an another word or a hint of resentment since. Wish you the best of luck.