I'm in a toxic situation...

[HenryRoths]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been living in northern Thailand for twelve years and married to my Thai wife for seven. We’ve had our ups and downs, but recently things have become unbearable for me, and I am trying to figure out how to move forward. In the perfect situation, I would like to go back to my own country in Europe, but it's not so simple. I'll explain. 

Firstly, the financial strain induced from her family is becoming overwhelming. Not just the actual money, but the emotional burden too. Her family constantly asks for money, and recently it began taking a toll on my savings. Her father has a serious gambling problem is what I believe is the underlying issue, and I’ve bailed him out more times than I can count, but the excuse is always that he needs money to help keep his commercial truck repair business afloat. It’s reached a point where I feel like I’m also enabling this hidden gambling problem of his.

On top of that, and I know that people will find this shocking, but I’ve started to suspect that my wife’s “brother” might actually be her boyfriend. He’s always around, and they seem overly familiar with each other in ways that make me uncomfortable. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she gets defensive and angry and accuses me of not trusting her or her family. 

I was told secretly once many years ago by an uncle of hers in the family that her mother had various boyfriends when she was younger, but also already married to my wife's father at that time. Some even suspect some of her older siblings might have a different father because they are much darker skinned than my wife and the 3 other younger siblings. So maybe my wife is no different than her own mother in that sense in terms of infidelity when already married. Apples don't fall too far from the tree, right?

We also have a three-year-old daughter together, and that’s what makes this situation even harder. I’m considering ending the relationship because I can’t continue living like this, but I’m deeply worried about my daughter. I don’t want her to grow up without her father around, and I fear what kind of environment she’ll be raised in if I leave. Even though I would be sending financial support for my daughter after any separation, I don't trust the family values my daughter might grow up with from always being surrounded by my wife's family. 

I would really like to be able to take my daughter and go back to Europe. That would be the best case scenario. I still have a house there and she would get a good education. I’ve thought about trying to get custody, but I know that’s incredibly difficult for a man here in Thailand, especially for a foreigner. I want to do what’s best for my daughter, but I’m stuck between staying in a toxic relationship or leaving and potentially losing my daughter.

Has anyone been through something similar here in Thailand? 

Thanks. 

[scubascuba3]

Sure I've heard that story before or similar 

[CharlieH]

MOVED to Marriage forum.

[BritManToo]

1. wife and family asking for money ......... learn to say NO!

2. wife banging her 'brother' ............ find yourself a 'sister'.

3. suspected infidelity leading to other men fathering the kids ........ get your 3yo DNA tested.

 

Did I miss anything?

[steven100]

This is a familiar story.   Drink more beer and tell the family where to go ...

[fredwiggy]

Your daughter will surely do better back home, but she's still pretty young so you have time. I'm going to bring my own daughter back to the states before she is 10, so she will fit in with the current curriculum in the school there. She's pretty good speaking English now, and I've been teaching her words, along with what she gets in school, which isn't much. For now, you can get a dependent visa, and stay until you can convince your wife to let your daughter go home with you. You are in the same kind of situation many here find themselves in. trusting you know your wife until things go wrong, and you feel stuck here. Once trust is lost, the relationship is gone, especially in a country where counseling isn't so prevalent, and women are less likely to go along with it to help the marriage. You're lucky you still have a house back home. I'll have to get a rent to own for a couple years, and then a mortgage again, all when I'm around 70. Not impossible by any means, but it will be a pain. Like you mentioned, her own family has told you how her parents were, and cheating is often learned at home, watching parents be disloyal. Kids know. You were never in any way responsible for any of her family debts, and can cut that off immediately. They will pressure you, and threaten, but since you're on the way out now, that doesn't matter anymore. If you divorce, you will get visitation, as fathers never get custody here unless it's given by the mom, or she's a drug dealer. They haven't a clue that dads are sometimes the better parent where a child is concerned. They see how most locals here are, and think foreigners are the same. This way, you can see your daughter (find a rental close by), see her every week (ask for more than they want to give, at least you can get weekends), and if your wife gets bored with raising your daughter, as happens quite a lot here, you can make a deal then.

[bob smith]

Here's what you need to do, NOW, step by step.

 

1. Get out of your chair and into the shower. Shave and apply your favorite cologne.

 

2. Pack your bags & put on your Sunday best. 

 

3. Search on Skyscanner for any available flights back to your home country within the next 48 hours. Once the flight is found, book it.

 

4. Leave your house immediately. If the flight isn't for a few days then book yourself into a nice hotel around the airport until it is time to check in.

 

5. Call a cab to the airport 4 hours before departure.

 

6. Check in, have something to eat in the departure hall, smile at the customs official and never look back!

 

You have been taken for a ride. You have been used at every turn. You have been treated like a mug. These 'people' deserve nothing more from you. It's unfortunate about your daughter but you MUST look after number one. Your wife will only use her against you anyway. Get the hell out of here now and I wish you the best of luck in the future.

 

bob.

Edited June 16 by bob smith

[Mavideol]

a lot of people are in toxic relationships, the must important thing about it, know when to quit without loosing too much $$$$

[NoDisplayName]

9 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

1. wife and family asking for money ......... learn to say NO!

2. wife banging her 'brother' ............ find yourself a 'sister'.

3. suspected infidelity leading to other men fathering the kids ........ get your 3yo DNA tested.

 

Did I miss anything?

 

Yes.

Yes, you did.

 

4.  First post.

5.  Hits all hot button topics.

[dddave]

As OP well knows, getting full custody and taking his daughter out of Thailand is improbable at best, unless the wife is venal enough that she'd accept a financial incentive. One person I know paid his Thai wife 6 million for custody.

I'd suggest trying a separation. Move out and find nearby but not too nearby accommodations, getting out of the toxic and perhaps dangerous environment and also shutting down the money pipeline to family members.  This might serve to also expose the true nature of the relationship with the brother.

Just getting out of the relentless tension of the current situation will also give OP a bit of space to consider his own future and how best to live it. 

[theshu25]

I would be fairly certain the OP is taking the piss.

[Celsius]

Stickman was better 

[simon43]

If you have been living in northern Thailand for 12 years, why have you never posted on Thailand's most expat forum?  Why is your very first post of this type, no 'Hi I'm new here' post, just straight into a lengthy post about your problems.

 

Just asking....

[MalcolmB]

1 hour ago, HenryRoths said:

my wife’s “brother” might actually be her boyfriend.

Gee that is pretty sick. 
if he has fathered your daughter then she is likely to have health problems. 

[Hummin]

1 hour ago, scubascuba3 said:

Sure I've heard that story before or similar 

I have heard pieces of this story from different people, now nicely constructed together!

[bob smith]

13 minutes ago, simon43 said:

If you have been living in northern Thailand for 12 years, why have you never posted on Thailand's most expat forum?  Why is your very first post of this type, no 'Hi I'm new here' post, just straight into a lengthy post about your problems.

 

Just asking....

perhaps he has only just got the internet?

 

bob.

[simon43]

3 minutes ago, bob smith said:

perhaps he has only just got the internet?

 

bob.

Oh yes, and I've just bought my first mobile phone... 🙂

[Chivas]

Some of the responses here are beyond evil they really are

 

[Chivas]

52 minutes ago, bob smith said:

Here's what you need to do, NOW, step by step.

 

1. Get out of your chair and into the shower. Shave and apply your favorite cologne.

 

2. Pack your bags & put on your Sunday best. 

 

3. Search on Skyscanner for any available flights back to your home country within the next 48 hours. Once the flight is found, book it.

 

4. Leave your house immediately. If the flight isn't for a few days then book yourself into a nice hotel around the airport until it is time to check in.

 

5. Call a cab to the airport 4 hours before departure.

 

6. Check in, have something to eat in the departure hall, smile at the customs official and never look back!

 

You have been taken for a ride. You have been used at every turn. You have been treated like a mug. These 'people' deserve nothing more from you. It's unfortunate about your daughter but you MUST look after number one. Your wife will only use her against you anyway. Get the hell out of here now and I wish you the best of luck in the future.

 

bob.

 

Despicable response simple as....

[novacova]

1 hour ago, HenryRoths said:

I’ve started to suspect that my wife’s “brother” might actually be her boyfriend. He’s always around, and they seem overly familiar with each other in ways that make me uncomfortable.

Sounds very Yong.

1 hour ago, HenryRoths said:

Has anyone been through something similar here in Thailand?

Not me

1 hour ago, HenryRoths said:

I am trying to figure out how to move forward.

Walk out ASAP. Move to another province. Don’t give up another single ฿.

 

Personally I would have walked at the first begging episode, that nonsense annoys the hell out of me.

[novacova]

2 minutes ago, Chivas said:

Some of the responses here are beyond evil they really are

 

 

Just now, Chivas said:

 

Despicable response simple as....

No, not at all. I’ve seen some pretty miserable guys jammed up in a clan of beggars, only to their own demise. How about you go live like that for a couple years, if you can handle for that duration, then report back and let us know.

[DaLa]

I've never heard of anything as incredible and concerning in my 12 years here. It's almost unbelievable.

[BangkokReady]

Can't help wondering if this is fake.  Also that someone who actually replied above is the one who wrote it.  🤔

[KannikaP]

16 minutes ago, MalcolmB said:

Gee that is pretty sick. 
if he has fathered your daughter then she is likely to have health problems. 

They use 'brother' as an alias for boyfriend. No blood relative.

[bob smith]

11 minutes ago, Chivas said:

 

Despicable response simple as....

only if you are a MUG!

 

bob.

[BangkokHank]

If what you say is true, then this really is the classic worst case scenario. They are all using you. You should first get the daughter tested to see if she's really yours. If she's not, then leave the country ASAP. And if she is, also leave the country ASAP. And if you do leave, don't send any money to support your daughter (if she's yours), as the money will not be used for her. Tell your wife that you will either take full responsibility for your daughter (if she really is yours) by bringing her back to Europe with you. If you can't do that, then you will not offer any support. Her choice. There's no point in destroying your life for the daughter. Staying here for the daughter is also pointless, as it would not be good for the daughter to grow up in such a toxic environment. Don't worry about her not having a father figure in her life. Your wife's boyfriend/brother can play that role - without you having to finance the lot of them.

[NoDisplayName]

19 minutes ago, KannikaP said:

They use 'brother' as an alias for boyfriend. No blood relative.

 

More likely "boyfriend" is an alias for father.

[Ludzilla]

Treat your wife and daughter with nice holydays in your homecountry, just don't tell her it's not a round trip

[rattlesnake]

26 minutes ago, BangkokReady said:

Can't help wondering if this is fake.  Also that someone who actually replied above is the one who wrote it.  🤔

 

Of course it is.

[fredwiggy]

Just now, BangkokHank said:

If what you say is true, then this really is the classic worst case scenario. They are all using you. You should first get the daughter tested to see if she's really yours. If she's not, then leave the country ASAP. And if she is, also leave the country ASAP. And if you do leave, don't send any money to support your daughter (if she's yours), as the money will not be used for her. Tell your wife that you will either take full responsibility for your daughter (if she really is yours) by bringing her back to Europe with you. If you can't do that, then you will not offer any support. Her choice. There's no point in destroying your life for the daughter. Staying here for the daughter is also pointless, as it would not be good for the daughter to grow up in such a toxic environment. Don't worry about her not having a father figure in her life. Your wife's boyfriend/brother can play that role - without you having to finance the lot of them.

One rule of life is, you do not have any children if you are going to raise them and take care of them until they are able to take care of themselves. There are way too many deadbeat parents, especially here, that don't give a rat's ass about the children they make. He does, and you tell him to leave and not send back any support for the child he's created? This is why so many kids end up hurting others. They have no fathers to guide them, and some don't have mothers either.

 

When you make a child, you do come first, but that doesn't mean the child is left out but the better you take care of yourself, the better you can care for others, and that child's needs, meaning the basic, do come first. You sacrifice things so the child has what they need. This is  definitely from birth until they leave the house, and you still can help them afterwards.

 

The only reason I'm still in this country is because I'm not ready to leave with my daughter. I would never leave her with a mother that thinks like my ex does, nor should he, knowing how she is now. Parents are the first teachers, and it's the father's job to ensure that child has a stable future. Leaving her here ensures she probably wont. He should try and make a deal with his wife, if money is involved so be it, to take his daughter from here, as he still has stability back home in a house. If she won't yet part with that child, he can wait, as a lot of moms here give their kids up for freedom or another man eventually. It's a bargaining chip for many. Just any brother, boyfriend or man is not a father figure, and in fact, the man most likely to molest a child is usually the step father or a family member or close friend. It isn't destroying his life doing what he can for his daughter. It's being a man.