Why do retirees marry in Thailand ?

[EVENKEEL]

Why ffff?  Going to the trouble of getting married is just too much hassle. Been with my lady for over 15 yrs. have a kid, 2 houses, land, cars, MBs. My only suggestion is if you do settle on one lady, don't settle down in her village. Go where you would like to live. 

 

I would have been down the road long, long ago if it wasn't for the kid's sake. I know, I know most all expats marry an edumacated young lady who truly loves you and her family don't ask for anything. That's the story all to many old guys here love to portray. Sitting in the bank waiting my turn, I spy a typical couple......an older guy with fresh cut and dyed hair, new clothes and his young teerak sitting with her phone and freshly purchased gold bracelets and necklace. You know he took the bait.

[1FinickyOne]

34 minutes ago, FolkGuitar said:

People keep asking; "Why get married?"

The answer is;  "When you meet the right person, you will know why."

 

That may sound simplistic, but that's the facts, Jack!

When you know, you know.

If there was a best answer feature and we could choose... 

 

This is the winning answer for all these types of questions. 

[john donson]

the new writers here sure like to plug the forum with a lot of junk stories

[Yellowtail]

Nearly everyone I know tells me that their husbands do not try as hard, once they are married. That the motivation to be all they can be just sort of disappears. I can see if for myself. They often do not seem the same as they were before. And this especially applies once the kids were born, though that might happen here, to some extent too.

 

 

[harryviking]

Lol! Seems like many western men are afraid of being alone! They cannot cook or do much at all, so they need a new "mommy" to care for them! Poor souls, they have no idea that they end up being a walking "ATM Machine" both for the new wife AND her family!  

[richard_smith237]

9 minutes ago, harryviking said:

Lol! Seems like many western men are afraid of being alone! They cannot cook or do much at all, so they need a new "mommy" to care for them! Poor souls, they have no idea that they end up being a walking "ATM Machine" both for the new wife AND her family!  

 

Call it that if you want to... we can put a spin on and shoe-horn any idea or information we have into the conclusion we want to put forwards...  

... Whats wrong with having someoene to care for you and you for them ???

 

 

You've approached the discussion with a myopic tunnel vision that any relationship between a Western Male and Thai female is based solely on him being an ATM him needing a maid - I wonder how much of that is projection from your own exposure.

 

... What about those who have entered relationship that are nothing other than genuine, where care, consideration and respect is mutual ?... 

 

As far as being afraid of being alone - whats wrong with that ?...  many people like so share things with others, isn't that a natural human trait ?...    I don't want to sit in a pub alone, I'd rather share that with friends.

I don't want to go out for dinner alone, I'd rather share that with my Wife, I don't want to holiday alone, I'd rather share that with my family...   I'm happy to do all of those things alone, but my preference is to share those things with people I care for who's company I value. 

 

As far as the 'mommy comment'... Whats wrong with being looked after ?.. Just because my Wife does the cooking, it does not mean I can't... she's just a far better cook than I am, she's an excellent cook of both Western and Thai food and enjoys cooking a lot.  I on the other hand find myself doing more 'fixing around the house' etc... I'd say that's far more normal than this 'mommy complex' you allude to. 

 

 

 

 

[richard_smith237]

33 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

Nearly everyone I know tells me that their husbands do not try as hard, once they are married. That the motivation to be all they can be just sort of disappears. I can see if for myself. They often do not seem the same as they were before. And this especially applies once the kids were born, though that might happen here, to some extent too.

 

I think thats very normal...   The 'honey-moon' period lasts a short time... 

 

... Its what happens after that that impacts on the success of a relationship and that requires invested effort from both parties...     thats quite normal I'd say.

 

[richard_smith237]

2 hours ago, EVENKEEL said:

Why ffff?  Going to the trouble of getting married is just too much hassle. Been with my lady for over 15 yrs. have a kid, 2 houses, land, cars, MBs. My only suggestion is if you do settle on one lady, don't settle down in her village. Go where you would like to live. 

 

I would have been down the road long, long ago if it wasn't for the kid's sake. I know, I know most all expats marry an edumacated young lady who truly loves you and her family don't ask for anything. That's the story all to many old guys here love to portray. Sitting in the bank waiting my turn, I spy a typical couple......an older guy with fresh cut and dyed hair, new clothes and his young teerak sitting with her phone and freshly purchased gold bracelets and necklace. You know he took the bait.

 

But your anecdote fits your bias...   the older guy with the younger brown girl with lots of gold.. 

 

... Do you not also notice plenty of mixed couples who just look so very normal together, or perhaps they are hardly noticeable just like any other couple ?

 

Perhaps this is more location dependent.. i.e. more normal couples in an area like Bangkok than Pattaya or *Phuket.

 

But non of my friends are dating or married to ex-Bar girls, they are all dating or married to girls who are financially independent from a similar tier on that so called 'Thai Totem-pole' of socio-economic-educational status...     Their relationships are no different from that which they'd be enjoying in the west, albeit with the occasional cultural difference which can be bother a positive and a negative depending on the individual issue at hand.

 

--------

 

*slightly off topic but the point is similar:  When initially moving here a group of us (regionally employed and based in Thailand) looked at living in Phuket - after staying there for a few weeks (about 4 I think), we realised that its harder to live a 'normal' life..  Its going to be more difficult to meet normal people (Thai's / Thai females)... 

... There is an associated 'double stigma' where both the females and males are making assumptions and lot of those assumptions rely on a 'mental geo-cache'..

.... i.e. In Pattaya many will make the mistake in assume that a lot of females there are bar girls, where as that assumption is not so common in Bangkok.... As such, many girls in Pattaya may assume that many foreigners assume all Thai girls are bar girls and in turn act more defensively, where as in Bangkok there is less need for the females to be on guard for that....

 

 

[BritManToo]

3 hours ago, EVENKEEL said:

Why ffff?  Going to the trouble of getting married is just too much hassle. Been with my lady for over 15 yrs. have a kid, 2 houses, land, cars, MBs. My only suggestion is if you do settle on one lady, don't settle down in her village. Go where you would like to live. 

 

I would have been down the road long, long ago if it wasn't for the kid's sake. I know, I know most all expats marry an edumacated young lady who truly loves you and her family don't ask for anything. That's the story all to many old guys here love to portray. Sitting in the bank waiting my turn, I spy a typical couple......an older guy with fresh cut and dyed hair, new clothes and his young teerak sitting with her phone and freshly purchased gold bracelets and necklace. You know he took the bait.

I married a lady 20 years younger than me, that left school age 12, then I sent her to high school and university, didn't even cost much.

15 years later we're still together, have a great 12yo son, and I'm still happy with her, and don't feel the need for any other female company.

I hesitate to pronounce on her feelings for me, but earlier this week she announced I'm the best dad she's ever had!

 

PS. I do all my own shopping and cooking.

 

Edited July 8 by BritManToo

[Nick Carter icp]

1 minute ago, BritManToo said:

I married a lady 20 years younger than me, that left school age 12, then I sent her to high school and university, didn't even cost much.

15 years later we're still together, have a great 12yo son, and I'm still happy with her, and don't feel the need for any other female company.

I hesitate to pronounce on her feelings for me, but earlier this week she announced I'm the best dad she's ever had!

 

 

   She was 50 years younger than you (you married her Mother, not her) , you met her when she was 12 and put her thought school and university an she had your son when she was 14 

[NanLaew]

1 hour ago, harryviking said:

Lol! Seems like many western men are afraid of being alone! They cannot cook or do much at all, so they need a new "mommy" to care for them! Poor souls, they have no idea that they end up being a walking "ATM Machine" both for the new wife AND her family!  

 

When I came back for second rodeo in Pattaya, having fallen badly during the first rodeo that ended in divorce (from that bitch, but I'm not bitter), I was the epitome of the solitary, hansum man, ploughing between the fertile thighs of Thai womenhood like Gods' gift to something or other.

 

After about forty days (and forty nights) I found myself in a bar, around 2 pm, mildly buzzed and perched on a barstool with several other wrong-side-of-middle-age farang fantasists, all purportedly living the dream. I took a long slug of beer and squinted at this coterie of white male... loneliness, and had my epiphany. Who wants to be a silver-haired (or bald) old geezer in a whorehouse?

 

That night, I went and got myself the longest-legged, biggest-titted, closest-shaved, best-kissing go-go dancer (prior experience helped) and offered her the 'barfine for life' deal. She accepted and now, 18 years (and two kids) later, I really am living the dream, totally on my terms, and I don't really care that I am older than my mother-in-law.

 

I know that when the time comes, and I can't get out and about (soon) or control my bowels (sooner) or need all my food puréed and sucked through a straw (very soon), she and the boys will be there for me.

Edited July 8 by NanLaew

[BritManToo]

6 minutes ago, Nick Carter icp said:

She was 50 years younger than you (you married her Mother, not her) , you met her when she was 12 and put her thought school and university an she had your son when she was 14 

You have some very strange fantasies Nick.

[richard_smith237]

9 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

I married a lady 20 years younger than me, that left school age 12, then I sent her to high school and university, didn't even cost much.

15 years later we're still together, have a great 12yo son, and I'm still happy with her, and don't feel the need for any other female company.

I hesitate to pronounce on her feelings for me, but earlier this week she announced I'm the best dad she's ever had!

 

PS. I do all my own shopping and cooking.

 

 

Somewhat confusing.. 

You - in yours 70's

Her - in her 50's 

Together for 15 years (she was at least 35 when you got together ?)

You sent her to high school at age 12

 

There's a 23 year gap in that story.

 

You don't feel the need for any other female company but openly admit to paying for female company in many other threads...  

 

You usually only discuss being with females younger than 30'ish.

 

 

There's a lot of the story here that conflicts...   

 

 

 

 

 

[Stevemercer]

Yes, decent Thai women need certainty and marriage gives that commitment. Family, relatives and friends will be happy she is married. If you are not prepared to give that certainty.many Thai women will be uncertain about your commitment which may make them anxious at times. While they may try to be faithful, there will always be that question mark in their mind that maybr you will abandon them and they need to think about themselves and their future.

[Scott Tracy]

Aren't the visa requirements cheaper?

[Sydebolle]

You're looking for a housekeeper with benefits .......... 

[richard_smith237]

6 minutes ago, Stevemercer said:

Yes, decent Thai women need certainty and marriage gives that commitment. Family, relatives and friends will be happy she is married. If you are not prepared to give that certainty.many Thai women will be uncertain about your commitment which may make them anxious at times. While they may try to be faithful, there will always be that question mark in their mind that maybr you will abandon them and they need to think about themselves and their future.

 

There is family pressure too...   and also implications of 'indecency' which can upset some more traditional families here....  face is everything and parents are often worried about 'what the friends will think'.... 

 

When I started dating my Wife - it was kept fairly quiet from the parents - so we could 'travel together' and Wife could go on holiday with her 'cousins'... etc.. 

 

It was expect that future Father in Law was going to accept a Foreigner dating his daughter (a lot of friend said tis too - future InLaws very strict). 

When we did finally meet, the future inLaw were very polite... but behind closed doors future FiL was not pleased. 

We gave him time to accept me (he was always very polite with me), we had plenty of dinners etc, but Wife had to be home every night etc...  

It was only when I asked them for Marriage that they relaxed a little and saw that this was 'real'...  they said they could see their daughter was happy with me and that is what mattered to them.

 

Then the circus began and massive wedding plans, me having to put my-foot down a few times and prevent a ridiculous spectacle. 

In the build up to the Wedding, future FiL was relentlessly ribbed by his friends - as a social being he was forced to sing Karaoke only in English etc... (something we'd probably do to our mates)...  The wedding was as much for them as it was for my Wife... (over half the people there my Wife didn't recognise).

 

Once our parents Met FiL relaxed a lot - they got on very well, there was a clear mutual respect.

 

As soon as a grandchild was born the transition was complete - InLaws seemed to like me more than their daughter !!! - quite and amusing turn around...  

... They visit whenever and as often as they want, spend time with their grandchild... 

...  a very normal, healthy relationship - I care for them a lot....

 

... to me, this is just very normal life...  I'd expect no different here than back home in the UK.

 

 

 

[jerrymahoney]

When I went to the US Embassy Bangkok to get the affirmation to marriage doc, the options were

 

5. My marital status is:  Divorced  Widowed  Single (Never married)

 

I checked Single (Never married)

 

When I handed the form to the old-hand consular officer, he looked at it and said: Are you sure you want to check that box that at age 70 you've never been married. NEVER?

 

Here in Thailand, first one for me, anywhere. Ever.
 

[EVENKEEL]

48 minutes ago, richard_smith237 said:

 

But your anecdote fits your bias...   the older guy with the younger brown girl with lots of gold.. 

 

... Do you not also notice plenty of mixed couples who just look so very normal together, or perhaps they are hardly noticeable just like any other couple ?

 

Perhaps this is more location dependent.. i.e. more normal couples in an area like Bangkok than Pattaya or *Phuket.

 

But non of my friends are dating or married to ex-Bar girls, they are all dating or married to girls who are financially independent from a similar tier on that so called 'Thai Totem-pole' of socio-economic-educational status...     Their relationships are no different from that which they'd be enjoying in the west, albeit with the occasional cultural difference which can be bother a positive and a negative depending on the individual issue at hand.

 

--------

 

*slightly off topic but the point is similar:  When initially moving here a group of us (regionally employed and based in Thailand) looked at living in Phuket - after staying there for a few weeks (about 4 I think), we realised that its harder to live a 'normal' life..  Its going to be more difficult to meet normal people (Thai's / Thai females)... 

... There is an associated 'double stigma' where both the females and males are making assumptions and lot of those assumptions rely on a 'mental geo-cache'..

.... i.e. In Pattaya many will make the mistake in assume that a lot of females there are bar girls, where as that assumption is not so common in Bangkok.... As such, many girls in Pattaya may assume that many foreigners assume all Thai girls are bar girls and in turn act more defensively, where as in Bangkok there is less need for the females to be on guard for that....

 

 

These friends you speak of.....they are old retirees are they? Or are they younger foreigners who work here in Thailand? See that's an apples and oranges comparison. Is a 65 yr old guy going out searching for a 65 yr old Thai lady? I think not. 

 

Normal couples?? See I stopped thinking or caring what others think of me, it's called maturity. You're going to have the thoughts of others dictate where you live? really??

 

Now, why do retirees get married in Thailand? I have no clue, except stupidity if you don't have kids together.

[richard_smith237]

10 minutes ago, EVENKEEL said:

These friends you speak of.....they are old retirees are they? Or are they younger foreigners who work here in Thailand? See that's an apples and oranges comparison. Is a 65 yr old guy going out searching for a 65 yr old Thai lady? I think not. 

 

Normal couples?? See I stopped thinking or caring what others think of me, it's called maturity. You're going to have the thoughts of others dictate where you live? really??

 

Now, why do retirees get married in Thailand? I have no clue, except stupidity if you don't have kids together.

 

Yeah... you are correct..  All guys under 50's.... 

Professionals who've been working here / basing themselves here since our 20's... 

 

Its a different demographic and easier to meet females within our own 'bracket' at that age... 

 

 

By the time we and our Wives (of similar age) are in our 50's - we will have been together a long time and the companionship well established. 

 

 

Coming in as a retiree in our 60's - things are different... Firstly, no one male of that age is interested in meeting another female above 50 years old - and no female below 50 is interested in meeting a male older than 60 years old unless there is a certain 'security' in it for them - the demographical differences and choices are quite different to those who've arrived earlier in life. 

 

 

If in older life - retirees - I don't see why they would get married. But the point still exists and remains valid that 'family and societal pressures' can be placed on the female to legitimise a relationship by getting married. 

The Western male may insulated against all of this.. nevertheless, the female may well suffer the pressures placed on her by society, her family and also friends - this could get passed along to the Western male and also place pressure on the relationship - its up to the male how they handle this, many give in to it and just get married.

 

Is it a big deal if a Western retiree gets married - cost is minimal if just doing the paper version, cost of divorce is also cheap here (if no significant assets are accrued during marriage)... but, as others have pointed out - if older, why expose yourself to that risk ?...    If as an older male, the in the relationship female is going to walk away because you won't get married, then thats her choice.

 

 

 

 

 

[Kinnock]

6 hours ago, PingRoundTheWorld said:

You always pay one way or another. Some men are just delusional that they're not. Even if you're not giving her cash - if you're paying the rent, food, her car, insurance, etc etc - you are paying for her. If you bring more money into the "partnership" than she does - you are paying. The real difference between a wife and a rental gf is the gf will put more effort into pleasing you. The wife doesn't need to - she owns you already.

 

There is zero reason for a man to get married - especially not in Thailand when replacing models to a younger one if the current one gets big ideas is so easy. My ex-gf pre-Covid started nagging me about her friends getting married and she wants to too. I disregarded it at first, but she became more and more insufferable and jealous until I eventually dumped her and happily moved on. The really stupid part is that when I asked her WHY she wants to get married so badly she replied she wants to ensure I can't leave her because it would cost me a lot of money to do so. Literally said exactly why I should NOT marry her. The even funnier part is that after I ditched her she went back to her ex who cheated on her and she used to trash talk all the time (hint: major red flag that showed what was to come, in retrospect).

Your viewpoint makes perfect sense if you view women as a disposable commodity.  

 

But if you see the relationship as a partnership where you are fully committed to supporting each other, then it's very different.   However, this approach requires finding Miss Right ..... and conversely she needs to find Mr Right.

 

I know the ideal partner for a long term relationship does exists, but if you're lucky enough to find one, she will expect the commitment to be two-way.

[BigStar]

On 7/7/2024 at 5:05 AM, Nemises said:

Beats me. It’s like going to Disneyland and staying on the same ride all day. 

 

Now think of going to Disneyland after your stroke when you're half-paralyzed, your balance shot, you no longer see well, and your memory and problem-solving ability shot. Plus, your diaper needs changing.

Edited July 8 by BigStar

[Kinnock]

1 hour ago, NanLaew said:

 

When I came back for second rodeo in Pattaya, having fallen badly during the first rodeo that ended in divorce (from that bitch, but I'm not bitter), I was the epitome of the solitary, hansum man, ploughing between the fertile thighs of Thai womenhood like Gods' gift to something or other.

 

After about forty days (and forty nights) I found myself in a bar, around 2 pm, mildly buzzed and perched on a barstool with several other wrong-side-of-middle-age farang fantasists, all purportedly living the dream. I took a long slug of beer and squinted at this coterie of white male... loneliness, and had my epiphany. Who wants to be a silver-haired (or bald) old geezer in a whorehouse?

 

That night, I went and got myself the longest-legged, biggest-titted, closest-shaved, best-kissing go-go dancer (prior experience helped) and offered her the 'barfine for life' deal. She accepted and now, 18 years (and two kids) later, I really am living the dream, totally on my terms, and I don't really care that I am older than my mother-in-law.

 

I know that when the time comes, and I can't get out and about (soon) or control my bowels (sooner) or need all my food puréed and sucked through a straw (very soon), she and the boys will be there for me.

Excellent post.  I'm sure there was a little more to the wife selection process than that, but I like the principle.

[Nemises]

4 minutes ago, BigStar said:

 

Now think of going to Disneyland after your stroke when you're half-paralyzed, your balance shot, you no longer see well, and your memory and problem-solving ability shot. Plus, your diaper needs changing.

Your health issues are bad. Hope you can recover 🤞

[BobBKK]

7 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

I like routine. I've been eating hot dogs ( the food variety ) most of my life- never get boring.

I stopped exploring the world after I discovered Thailand and spent decades exploring it- didn't need to look anywhere else.

Same with pizza. Was perfectly happy with the basic ham and cheese version.

 Understood - I was married once in the UK and have been in serious relationships, but I decided to let my hair down and enjoy the various pizza toppings when I came here. No way is right or wrong, obviously - best wishes.

[Hummin]

3 hours ago, harryviking said:

Lol! Seems like many western men are afraid of being alone! They cannot cook or do much at all, so they need a new "mommy" to care for them! Poor souls, they have no idea that they end up being a walking "ATM Machine" both for the new wife AND her family!  

Life is easier alone for one who struggle in life, both economic and socially? 

 

You see, arguments comes easy at once you start trowing them around 😁

[brianthainess]

On 7/7/2024 at 5:01 AM, Franck60 said:

Hey guys!
I often read stories about westerners or even western retirees marrying Thai women in Thailand.

 

It makes me wonder… Why marry? Is it a religious upbringing which helps determine this kind of decision ? Aren’t they still « free » of this? What else makes them choose to marry?

 

I’m 59 yo and I intend to retire in Thailand in 5 years’ time. I’ve been living alone for a while. I need to leave « boring » Europe to explore a new culture and setup. 

 

I’d be interested in a relationship but not in a marriage. I wouldn’t be interested in meeting her family either. Why complicate my life? I don’t have much family left in France either.

 

I tend to think like this because I believe I would be safer if I keep my distance. I’d need a relationship but not a thai family. 

 

It’s hard enough to navigate an entire new culture. Why tie oneself up so tightly that it becomes to break loose ? What do you think, guys ?

 

English is a second language. I hope I get my message through all right.

I married my Thai wife after 4 yrs of living together, she opened her own shop, and then I got really sick with TB, she closed her shop and stayed with me 24/7 for 5 weeks, sleeping on the floor, and took care of me. After that I asked her to marry me, 9 years ago, she even changed her name to mine. But one thing is I was lucky ( not her though ) as she was an orphan at age 12, even from the very beginning I asked her to never tell her extended family 'up north' that she has a falang BF/husband she has kept that a secret from them from day one.  .. she also tells me regularly that she loves me.    .

[FritsSikkink]

On 7/7/2024 at 8:29 AM, Ralf001 said:

 

Love it when a butthurt throws up a confused imoji !

 

Might be someone who isn't but hurt, but thinks it is a stupid answer as you mix up sex with a prostitute with a relation based on love.

[Hummin]

38 minutes ago, BobBKK said:

 Understood - I was married once in the UK and have been in serious relationships, but I decided to let my hair down and enjoy the various pizza toppings when I came here. No way is right or wrong, obviously - best wishes.

I agree, some is better off as single, also better for the serious girls who want something more out of life than just being a low paid chef,  sex toy and  cleaner on a leach 

[BobBKK]

11 minutes ago, Hummin said:

I agree, some is better off as single, also better for the serious girls who want something more out of life than just being a low paid chef,  sex toy and  cleaner on a leach 

 Fair enough - you save them on your white horse. I treat all my meetings with girls with utmost kindness and respect - no lies, no BS, no false stories to get their knickers off. It's an exchange, and they are willing participants.