Communication in English with Thai gf

[JimmyTobacco]

My gf is actually a great communicator and very honest and direct usually. Her English is definitely above average for a Thai person. I find though that as the relationship progresses, we seem to have more and more communication issues. We mostly communicate in English, as my Thai is currently not good enough for deeper communication. I find that as the relationship progresses, I seem to understand her less and less, up to the point that I sometimes have no idea what the hell she is saying. She puts it down to me already pulling my annoyed face when she starts talking English which makes her nervous and unable to communicate well. I guess that that's definitely true, but it might not be the entire reason behind the communication issues. It might also be a natural progression whereby in the beginning of the relationship you just try harder to make proper sentences in a foreign language and after a while you just don't have the energy to keep up that effort. For me English is also a foreign language but I use English in my job on a daily basis and have studied it since I was about 10, so I am almost just as comfortable in English as in my native language. I feel like maybe, since I professionally work with languages, I am too critical of her English and get annoyed too easily by small mistakes. I know this happened to me in a previous relationship with a western girl who had very decent but far from perfect English. With her I communicated in about 4 languages, but after a few years it felt like we didn't know what the hell the both of us were saying. I notice that with my current gf, she is just not great at explaining or phrasing things. If she tells me something in Thai and I don't understand, she will just repeat it, thinking that if she repeats it, at some point I will understand. She won't use different or easier words to facilitate my understanding.

 

I am wondering how people here handle these kind of issues with their partners. I definitely feel the effort should probably be coming from me, meaning I should learn better Thai as soon as possible so we can switch to Thai. However, to communicate about feelings and complicated issues in Thai might be something that is a bit further on the horizon.

[G_Money]

1.  Use more paragraphs.

 

2. Lower your expectations.

[Woke to Sounds of Horking]

I just tell them to "gobble gobble" and shut the h3ll up.

[degrub]

Sounds like you are tired of making the extra effort . Was it the same with previous relationship ?

And as G _Money says - lower your expectations. It’s not a competition. After all, you had how many years since age of 10 to master English ?

 

Sounds that are not in Thai make it very difficult for native Thai speakers to master English. Plus, the different ordering of thought between the two cultures make for scrambled egg English.

[daveAustin]

There seems to be a common denominator here. 

 

As for communicating feelings and complicated issues to a Thai lady... even if your Thai is spot on, probably not wise to go there.

[JimmyTobacco]

20 minutes ago, degrub said:

Sounds like you are tired of making the extra effort . Was it the same with previous relationship ?

And as G _Money says - lower your expectations. It’s not a competition. After all, you had how many years since age of 10 to master English ?

 

Sounds that are not in Thai make it very difficult for native Thai speakers to master English. Plus, the different ordering of thought between the two cultures make for scrambled egg English.

In the previous relationship, I was just so sick of her English after a while. Every time she said something, I got so pissed off. Another language we both spoke was German: me to a very decent level but not quite like English, her fluently. But I didn't like communicating in German so much.

 

I feel the same thing is happening here. Every time I hear her speak, I get so frustrated already, before she's even completed the sentence.

 

I think it's not a personal thing, as I have the same when I have to speak with random people who have broken English.

 

A few years ago, I also had a Filipina girlfriend who was (of course) fluent in English, and also good with words, and we did not have this same issue. There were plenty of other issues though, which I luckily don't have with my current gf 😄

[G_Money]

6 minutes ago, JimmyTobacco said:

In the previous relationship, I was just so sick of her English after a while. Every time she said something, I got so pissed off. Another language we both spoke was German: me to a very decent level but not quite like English, her fluently. But I didn't like communicating in German so much.

 

I feel the same thing is happening here. Every time I hear her speak, I get so frustrated already, before she's even completed the sentence.

 

I think it's not a personal thing, as I have the same when I have to speak with random people who have broken English.

 

A few years ago, I also had a Filipina girlfriend who was (of course) fluent in English, and also good with words, and we did not have this same issue. There were plenty of other issues though, which I luckily don't have with my current gf 😄

“ I was just so sick of her English after a while. Every time she said something“

 

It is quite clear.  The problem is you.

 

Recommend seeking women from your home country.

[JimmyTobacco]

2 minutes ago, G_Money said:

“ I was just so sick of her English after a while. Every time she said something“

 

It is quite clear.  The problem is you.

 

Recommend seeking women from your home country.

 

Well, isn't that normal? That you think: "omg there she goes with her present tense instead of the past tense again" and get slightly pissed off? I mean I know my gf knows how to use the past tense. She just doesn't.

 

Not very interested tbh in women from my home country.

[G_Money]

Just now, JimmyTobacco said:

 

Well, isn't that normal? That you think: "omg there she goes with her present tense instead of the past tense again" and get slightly pissed off? I mean I know my gf knows how to use the past tense. She just doesn't.

 

Not very interested tbh in women from my home country.

Then you will have to deal with it and continue to get pissed off.

 

I’m sure she will appreciate so much she’ll eventually dump you.

 

Rightfully so.

[JimmyTobacco]

1 minute ago, G_Money said:

Then you will have to deal with it and continue to get pissed off.

 

I’m sure she will appreciate so much she’ll eventually dump you.

 

Rightfully so.

 

oh get the <deleted> out of here mate

what do you know about our relationship?

you're probably in a bad mood cause you can't even speak with your missus at all

[Dr B]

17 minutes ago, JimmyTobacco said:

 

Well, isn't that normal? That you think: "omg there she goes with her present tense instead of the past tense again" and get slightly pissed off? I mean I know my gf knows how to use the past tense. She just doesn't.

 

Not very interested tbh in women from my home country.

Getting yourself fluent in Thai is fairly obviously a good goal, but will take time and dedication. There are a few things that might help in the meantime:

1  You mention tenses. Please understand that the Thai language does not have tenses in the Latin sense. They indicate the future by using the sound "ja", which translates as "will", and the past by using the sound "kui", which means "ever". This already shows the difficulty of writing in English sounds which we do not make in English.

2  Sentence structure. Following from the above, a sentence in English might be "I have never been ...." In Thai this would be "Mai kui pai ....", literally "not ever go". Similarly with "What do you want to eat? I will go and get ir for you." In Thai this becomes "Want eat what? Go buy come give." (Yak gin arai   pai sue mah hai).

3  English sounds. Most Thais in Thailand who speak English learnt it from school here, like my wife. Her spoken English is not good, because the teachers are not fluent in English and teach English through Thai sounds. Her elder daughter also learned English here and has the same problem, even though she has lived In Australia for about 12 years. Her younger daughter learned no English in Thailand, but has learned it all in Austtralia where she speaks excellent English without an accent.

So you need to adapt. Most people are nervous speaking in a foreign language in which they are not confident. Thais expect that people will laugh at them if they get it wrong. I find that, in reality, most foreigners finding a Thai who tries to speak English will be grateful and encourage them, and that is helped by the redundancy in the English language. I try to increase my confidence when speaking in Thai, and generally do OK. However I get frustrated when my wife finds my efforts amusing, so I can understand if your gf picks up your negative responses quickly, and reacts. When speaking Thai it is always complicated by the opposite of redundancy, through the tones. By using the wrong tone you are not just making the wrong sound, you are saying a completely different word, which has a meaning, even if the wrong one. That makes it much harder for the listener to guess what you were trying to say.

Hope that helps

[G_Money]

1 hour ago, JimmyTobacco said:

 

oh get the <deleted> out of here mate

what do you know about our relationship?

you're probably in a bad mood cause you can't even speak with your missus at all

“what do you know about our relationship?“

 

From what YOU have described, you sound like a jerk.  
 

Worthy of getting dumped.

[GypsyT]

I've same problems. I speak 3 languages and understand well one more but can't speak much.

I used to have 2 more so I understand how difficult it's for Thais who don't have international contacts, except in Pattaya and Bangkok, and even Universities are a big joke.

 

Also, some have terrible translation programs! I don't use any to speed up their learning and it has helped.

But I am patient and never critical. I help and brush off when it's impossible to understand.

 

I hope to find better and faster way to help them. It IS frustrating many times but would I swap to Euro or US gals? No way.

To Spanish? Maybe...

 

[scubascuba3]

Be patient.

 

Their English can go down if they talk less of it, if a friend of mine comes over and i haven't seen her for a few weeks her English has usually deteriorated 

[degrub]

1 hour ago, JimmyTobacco said:

In the previous relationship, I was just so sick of her English after a while. Every time she said something, I got so pissed off. Another language we both spoke was German: me to a very decent level but not quite like English, her fluently. But I didn't like communicating in German so much.

 

I feel the same thing is happening here. Every time I hear her speak, I get so frustrated already, before she's even completed the sentence.

 

I think it's not a personal thing, as I have the same when I have to speak with random people who have broken English.

 

A few years ago, I also had a Filipina girlfriend who was (of course) fluent in English, and also good with words, and we did not have this same issue. There were plenty of other issues though, which I luckily don't have with my current gf 😄

then to ease your frustration and so that the relationship can develop, which you seem to desire, take on the challenge of mastering Thai to a high level. Otherwise, perhaps you are destined to be a Sherlock Holmes  😱😉

Just kidding . 

[novacova]

2 hours ago, JimmyTobacco said:

I seem to understand her less and less, up to the point that I sometimes have no idea what the hell she is saying. She puts it down to me already pulling my annoyed face when she starts talking English which makes her nervous and unable to communicate well.

Ever thought about using a language translator? Expressing your point and subject from different perspectives and in process teaching each other the definition of words? 
P.S. try losing the annoyed face and show some patience, after all neither one of your first languages is English.

 

2 hours ago, JimmyTobacco said:

I am too critical of her English and get annoyed too easily by small mistakes.

Good grief light’s up already, you’ve got to be kidding, right? She’s probably a very social person, and definitely trying to communicate with an antisocial personality.

[Purdey]

Always spoken English at home and office then switch to Thai when the mother-in-law is visiting. No pointing in arguing grammar with anyone.

Learn Thai and switch as required for clarity.

 

If a Thai were living in the USA and spoke Thai in Starbucks, Karens would turn on her and shout This is America! Speak English!

That your wife doesn't shout to you to "Speak Thai!" is nice of her.

[portisaacozzy]

On 11/27/2024 at 9:31 AM, G_Money said:

1.  Use more paragraphs.

 

2. Lower your expectations.

jai yen yen, if what you say is corect and its the bigest problem that you will ever have in this world then you 2 will have a very happy life

[newbee2022]

On 11/27/2024 at 9:58 AM, JimmyTobacco said:

In the previous relationship, I was just so sick of her English after a while. Every time she said something, I got so pissed off. Another language we both spoke was German: me to a very decent level but not quite like English, her fluently. But I didn't like communicating in German so much.

 

I feel the same thing is happening here. Every time I hear her speak, I get so frustrated already, before she's even completed the sentence.

 

I think it's not a personal thing, as I have the same when I have to speak with random people who have broken English.

 

A few years ago, I also had a Filipina girlfriend who was (of course) fluent in English, and also good with words, and we did not have this same issue. There were plenty of other issues though, which I luckily don't have with my current gf 😄

...and maybe looking for a girl from your home country is no option? Of course with a master degree or doctorate .....at least. 😳

[Paiman]

I have given up on communicating with a Thai gf.

I now keep chickens, they are superior when it comes to having common sense and communication also seems easier.

[Mark Nothing]

You are preaching to the choir.

 

The solution I selected was to use my international friends to communicate at a normal level discussing topics as adults do.

 

You are seeking a solution to an issue that likely has none.  Unless you are able to just accept the limitations.

 

Learning thai language only made me realize we had nothing in common and no similar interests and I had to eradicate it from my brain.

 

You are attempting to insert a square peg into a round hole, and from my experience the effort defines futility.

 

[Patong2021]

I find that visual aids facilitate comprehension.

A few brown bills and it's like someone swallowed the Rosetta Stone of languages.

 

There are also different methods;

German: Yell louder.

British: Be more condescending.

Nordic: Smile and just meekly give up

American: Just keep talking and making reference to people and relatives that have no relationship to the matter at hand

Australian: Go have another beer.

 

 

[Presnock]

On 11/27/2024 at 9:58 AM, JimmyTobacco said:

In the previous relationship, I was just so sick of her English after a while. Every time she said something, I got so pissed off. Another language we both spoke was German: me to a very decent level but not quite like English, her fluently. But I didn't like communicating in German so much.

 

I feel the same thing is happening here. Every time I hear her speak, I get so frustrated already, before she's even completed the sentence.

 

I think it's not a personal thing, as I have the same when I have to speak with random people who have broken English.

 

A few years ago, I also had a Filipina girlfriend who was (of course) fluent in English, and also good with words, and we did not have this same issue. There were plenty of other issues though, which I luckily don't have with my current gf 😄

Sounds to me (have studied more than 10 languages) like you are too picky and expect way too much from your GF.  I think since it is available here, YOU should take lessons and explain to the instructor where you have problems understanding your GF.  Once YOU master Thai, then you won't have to listen to her in English.  This is Thailand and of course it depends on what you plans are for the future.  But to continue in this same problem relationship, when it is YOUR problem understanding, I can't sympathize with you but do so for your GF.  I do wish both of you the best.  No matter how well you can control your language, comparing onself to a native at all times in every situation is FUTILE to say the least, having suffered that often and it can be a detriment to your study unless you accept that fact.  IMHO anyway.

[wwest5829]

On 11/27/2024 at 9:22 AM, JimmyTobacco said:

My gf is actually a great communicator and very honest and direct usually. Her English is definitely above average for a Thai person. I find though that as the relationship progresses, we seem to have more and more communication issues. We mostly communicate in English, as my Thai is currently not good enough for deeper communication. I find that as the relationship progresses, I seem to understand her less and less, up to the point that I sometimes have no idea what the hell she is saying. She puts it down to me already pulling my annoyed face when she starts talking English which makes her nervous and unable to communicate well. I guess that that's definitely true, but it might not be the entire reason behind the communication issues. It might also be a natural progression whereby in the beginning of the relationship you just try harder to make proper sentences in a foreign language and after a while you just don't have the energy to keep up that effort. For me English is also a foreign language but I use English in my job on a daily basis and have studied it since I was about 10, so I am almost just as comfortable in English as in my native language. I feel like maybe, since I professionally work with languages, I am too critical of her English and get annoyed too easily by small mistakes. I know this happened to me in a previous relationship with a western girl who had very decent but far from perfect English. With her I communicated in about 4 languages, but after a few years it felt like we didn't know what the hell the both of us were saying. I notice that with my current gf, she is just not great at explaining or phrasing things. If she tells me something in Thai and I don't understand, she will just repeat it, thinking that if she repeats it, at some point I will understand. She won't use different or easier words to facilitate my understanding.

 

I am wondering how people here handle these kind of issues with their partners. I definitely feel the effort should probably be coming from me, meaning I should learn better Thai as soon as possible so we can switch to Thai. However, to communicate about feelings and complicated issues in Thai might be something that is a bit further on the horizon.

Just a note … my wife speaks Thai into Google translate and Google speaks the English translation to me. Might help?

[Thingamabob]

You write well in English. Well done. Regarding the language problem my own experience with my Thai wife for over 40 years is that my Thai has got worse as her English has got better. The only thing I can advise is not to worry about language issues. If there is good will from each for the other it should not be a problem. If there is not good will then you have the wrong partner.

[soi3eddie]

Keep it simple. 

Learn as much Thai as possible 

Help her learn more English 

When neither of us knows a word Google translate helps us both. 

Chill out and enjoy each other's company 

That's what my GF and I do. We have a lot of interests in common. 

It works for us. 

 

[recom273]

Yeah, I get the repeat, repeat like I will understand if you keep on repeating one word, it’s just a Thai habit.

 

Why not pull them all the time? I do, it’s the only way to get fluent. I also spent years teaching here, my wife isnt perfect but I’m proud everytime we visit other local expats where their wife uses some simple tense bar girl bastardized English language and then what’s worse, teaches their kids. 🤦 It’s also strange to see the old man speaking this language too, no one benefits. 

[1FinickyOne]

Very interesting subject - We are together 24 years now. Maybe in the beginning it was more fun as a challenge. As the years go by, we are surely much better as living in Thailand, it is more important for me. I like to be able to communicate with everyone I meet. And can get by conversationally quite well.  And yet, oftentimes it seems my ability to communicate with my wife can be more difficult as time goes on.  

 

"do you want to go to the movies?" - "You know I can't eat seafood!" 

 

And as time goes by, I see that she and her friends can have the same type of communication issues too. They laugh. 

 

I have come to not seek perfection in communication. It is as though I am living in a more ethereal place where perceptions are as important as words. She is a kind and caring wife. I try and read intent. I know she does not want blame. It is another world here, for me, and my ability to understand must go beyond words, if you can imagine that. The Thai mind is programmed differently and I assume that is just the start of it. 

 

I never push an issue of words. "ok. no seafood." 

 

I also find there are things she won't talk about, until she will. 

[scorecard]

On 11/27/2024 at 10:07 AM, G_Money said:

“ I was just so sick of her English after a while. Every time she said something“

 

It is quite clear.  The problem is you.

 

Recommend seeking women from your home country.

 

Worst I've come across, several years ago in a restaurant in Pattaya. Farang at next table asked my Thai female friend to help him communicate with his Thai GF.

 

The crux he shared:  'I met her 2 weeks ago, she couldn't speak one word of English so I get her into a small English school in Pattaya. Only 10 students in the class. Then he shared that they have no books or handouts and the class isn't divided at all by existence English level.

 

Then he shared "She's been going to English class 3 days a week, 2 hrs per lesson for under 2 weeks,  but she still can't speak English. I think she's just lazy."

 

 

 

 

[scorecard]

6 minutes ago, 1FinickyOne said:

Very interesting subject - We are together 24 years now. Maybe in the beginning it was more fun as a challenge. As the years go by, we are surely much better as living in Thailand, it is more important for me. I like to be able to communicate with everyone I meet. And can get by conversationally quite well.  And yet, oftentimes it seems my ability to communicate with my wife can be more difficult as time goes on.  

 

"do you want to go to the movies?" - "You know I can't eat seafood!" 

 

And as time goes by, I see that she and her friends can have the same type of communication issues too. They laugh. 

 

I have come to not seek perfection in communication. It is as though I am living in a more ethereal place where perceptions are as important as words. She is a kind and caring wife. I try and read intent. I know she does not want blame. It is another world here, for me, and my ability to understand must go beyond words, if you can imagine that. The Thai mind is programmed differently and I assume that is just the start of it. 

 

I never push an issue of words. "ok. no seafood." 

 

I also find there are things she won't talk about, until she will. 

 

Seems you are taking it easy and not getting angry etc.

Good attitude.