Been thinking more lately about a newish female friendship that has developed. It’s been confusing me, and I might benefit from a reality check from others who’ve actually been around Thailand long enough to know what they’re talking about.

I’ve been in Chiang Mai for close to seven months now. Left Bangkok in mid November last year to work on a side income project I had been toying with for a while. I’ve begun manufacturing something up here in the north in small amounts and, if all goes well over the next two months, then I’ll begin exporting it to the US and parts of Europe. It’s something I’ve done before, have some experience with, and had good success with in the past. Other than the work up here, though, I’ve been keeping to myself mostly.

About three months ago I started going to the same little local cafe near Nimman, usually about four mornings a week. Average place, but they do decent coffee and some good Western style breakfasts. There’s a girl who works there behind the counter, mid 20s, not one of those obviously done up girls, just naturally pretty in a subtle way. Small, nice smile, looks athletic, also a bit northern Thai Chinese looking, good skin, the kind of girl you find yourself looking forward to seeing at the start of the day. We started exchanging the usual pleasantries, then longer conversations. After about two weeks she started remembering which things I like to order, which I know sounds like no big deal, but somehow it felt like something.

About six weeks in, she mentioned she was taking an online course in the evenings to improve her English and asked if I’d be willing to review some of her written assignments occasionally. Her English is pretty good already, so I said sure, thinking it would be a one off. It wasn’t. We’ve been meeting at a coffee shop around the corner from the cafe on most Thursday evenings for about a month and a half now. Just talking, going over her work, sometimes for two hours.

A few weeks ago things shifted a little. Nothing major, just grabbed a quick dinner after reviewing her work when, while sharing a beer, it started feeling like possibly a bit more than just a friendship to me. Then another dinner like that the next week. She’s easy to be around. No performance, no agenda that I can detect, just genuinely friendly company. She also grabbed my hand the last time while walking back to where she parks her motorbike and then gave me a gentle hug. That’s as far as it’s gone physically, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t started wondering about the possibility of something more. And up until recently I’d assumed I would leave Chiang Mai in a few months once the business project is sorted, but now I’m not quite as certain about leaving so soon because I’m enjoying this new situation.

The age gap is significant, though. I’m very aware of that. She’s never brought it up and neither have I, but it’s obviously sitting there. And frankly, I’m not entirely sure what she sees in this. Maybe I’m the one projecting something onto it. Wouldn’t be the first time a man my age in Thailand convinced himself something was there with a much younger woman when really he was just being useful to someone.

But then she does things that don’t fit that explanation either. A couple of weeks ago, while we were going over something she’d written, she leaned across the table to point at something on my laptop. Her face got really close to mine, close enough that I was very aware of her, and I could smell some light perfume on her for the first time. She didn’t seem to notice what I was sensing, or if she was, she gave nothing away.

Last week she said something that’s also been stuck in my head. We were talking about nothing in particular and she said, “I like that you talk to me like my opinion matters.” Just said it casually. But it gave me a positive impression of her.

But the longer I’ve lived in Thailand, the less confident I’ve become about reading situations with Thai girls like this.

Back home, people tend to be more direct. Here, patience, politeness, and consideration seem woven into everyday life in ways that can be difficult to interpret if you’re not careful. Sometimes what looks like interest is just kindness. Sometimes what looks like kindness is something more.

Maybe that’s why I’ve found myself thinking about it more than I probably should. Just when I think I’ve got it figured out, I find myself questioning it all again.

Edited June 2Jun 2 by 123Stodg

Talk about slow mover, you can work out if someone likes you in minutes

7 minutes ago, scubascuba3 said:

Talk about slow mover, you can work out if someone likes you in minutes

Maybe a night out with Rocky might help with the confidence issues..............

20 minutes ago, 123Stodg said:

Been thinking more lately about a newish female friendship that has developed. It’s been confusing me, and I might benefit from a reality check from others who’ve actually been around Thailand long enough to know what they’re talking about.

I’ve been in Chiang Mai for close to seven months now. Left Bangkok in mid November last year to work on a side income project I had been toying with for a while. I’ve begun manufacturing something up here in the north in small amounts and, if all goes well over the next two months, then I’ll begin exporting it to the US and parts of Europe. It’s something I’ve done before, have some experience with, and had good success with in the past. Other than the work up here, though, I’ve been keeping to myself mostly.

About three months ago I started going to the same little local cafe near Nimman, usually about four mornings a week. Average place, but they do decent coffee and some good Western style breakfasts. There’s a girl who works there behind the counter, mid 20s, not one of those obviously done up girls, just naturally pretty in a subtle way. Small, nice smile, looks athletic, also a bit northern Thai Chinese looking, good skin, the kind of girl you find yourself looking forward to seeing at the start of the day. We started exchanging the usual pleasantries, then longer conversations. After about two weeks she started remembering which things I like to order, which I know sounds like no big deal, but somehow it felt like something.

About six weeks in, she mentioned she was taking an online course in the evenings to improve her English and asked if I’d be willing to review some of her written assignments occasionally. Her English is pretty good already, so I said sure, thinking it would be a one off. It wasn’t. We’ve been meeting at a coffee shop around the corner from the cafe on most Thursday evenings for about a month and a half now. Just talking, going over her work, sometimes for two hours.

A few weeks ago things shifted a little. Nothing major, just grabbed a quick dinner after reviewing her work when, while sharing a beer, it started feeling like possibly a bit more than just a friendship to me. Then another dinner like that the next week. She’s easy to be around. No performance, no agenda that I can detect, just genuinely friendly company. She also grabbed my hand the last time while walking back to where she parks her motorbike and then gave me a gentle hug. That’s as far as it’s gone physically, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t started wondering about the possibility of something more. And up until recently I’d assumed I would leave Chiang Mai in a few months once the business project is sorted, but now I’m not quite as certain about leaving so soon because I’m enjoying this new situation.

The age gap is significant, though. I’m very aware of that. She’s never brought it up and neither have I, but it’s obviously sitting there. And frankly, I’m not entirely sure what she sees in this. Maybe I’m the one projecting something onto it. Wouldn’t be the first time a man my age in Thailand convinced himself something was there with a much younger woman when really he was just being useful to someone.

But then she does things that don’t fit that explanation either. A couple of weeks ago, while we were going over something she’d written, she leaned across the table to point at something on my laptop. Her face got really close to mine, which was a bit arousing, and I could smell some light perfume on her for the first time. She didn’t seem aware of what I was feeling, or if she was, she gave nothing away.

Last week she said something that’s also been stuck in my head. We were talking about nothing in particular and she said, “I like that you talk to me like I understand lots of things.” Just said it casually. But it gave me a positive impression of her. Like she’s quite perceptive.

But the longer I’ve lived in Thailand, the less confident I’ve become about reading situations with Thai girls like this.

Back home, people tend to be more direct. Here, patience, politeness, and consideration seem woven into everyday life in ways that can be difficult to interpret if you’re not careful. Sometimes what looks like interest is just kindness. Sometimes what looks like kindness is something more.

Maybe that’s why I’ve found myself thinking about it more than I probably should. Just when I think I’ve got it figured out, I find myself questioning it all again.

It sounds like you really like her and it sounds like she likes you too, so perhaps you're overthinking it a bit? Age difference is not considered as big a deal in Thailand as it is in the West, and many Thai women are quite comfortable dating an older man, and I think you're quite fortunate if something like this has fallen into your lap. So why not take it to the next level and see how things work out? It doesn't necessarily mean a huge commitment on your part and that's something that you can certainly discuss along the way in terms of her expectations. There's no downside to trying that. Within a very short period of time you could establish whether or not she has an agenda, and if so whether or not that agenda is appealing to you.

I say go for it.

Edited June 2Jun 2 by spidermike007

9 minutes ago, scubascuba3 said:

Talk about slow mover, you can work out if someone likes you in minutes

And when you're holding out 3 purples in your hand they all like you, right? Probably within seconds, not even minutes!

5 minutes ago, Off Piste said:

Maybe a night out with Rocky might help with the confidence issues..............

Fantastic idea. Very much worth considering.

5 minutes ago, scubascuba3 said:

Talk about slow mover, you can work out if someone likes you in minutes

Usually, most move too fast here in Thailand. So if I was going to give my two cents: slow is good.

Being friends first is quite normal in many cultures. There is a lot to learn before it becomes serious, and you still have a decent way out if it does not feel right. And when the money question suddenly pops for one reason, then you know, and if not, you also know

32 minutes ago, 123Stodg said:

Cute Girl In CM

Am I Kidding Myself?

Yippy another Dear Abby posting, I love this column.

I hope it last the 274 pages like the previous Dear Abby thread.

Edited June 2Jun 2 by SAFETY FIRST

It seems like you're a former "contributor" to Penthouse Forum.

Enjoy the sex, don't spend more than 1,500bht a go.

Seems as though you’ve got your head screwed on & have not allowed yourself to drift off into fantasy land.

There was the ‘Cameroni thread’ - ages gap, p4p women he refused to accept were in it only for the money - a series of train wrecks & a prime example of delusion.

Your situation seems different - what is the age gap ?

A 24 year old may not have any issue dating a fit, heathy & trim 50 year old…

But a 20 year old maybe looking for security if she’s interested in dating an overweight 60 year old etc.

In your situation - the way to find out is to invite her away for the weekend.

If she shows clear reluctance with excuse or ‘mai dai’ kind of responses - then you are friends.

If she shows interest & a positive reaction - she likes you.

8 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Enjoy the sex, don't spend more than 1,500bht a go.

Not all girls in Thailand are hookers & will only ffff for money - that’s just your limited circle of exposure.

18 minutes ago, Hummin said:

Usually, most move too fast here in Thailand. So if I was going to give my two cents: slow is good.

Being friends first is quite normal in many cultures. There is a lot to learn before it becomes serious, and you still have a decent way out if it does not feel right. And when the money question suddenly pops for one reason, then you know, and if not, you also know

I totally agree about many moving too fast here and I often cancel my friends who ask for advice to take it slow. But it sounds like the op has already spent some time getting to know her. Money is not necessarily an issue. Many times when a younger woman is attracted to a man twice her age there can be a hope or expectation of financial security and there's nothing wrong with that.

There's a lot of discussion here from guys who are obviously with women their own age, and perhaps it is a result of envy towards men with considerably younger women. All women want security on some level and it's to be expected.

The real question is what you are prepared for and what her expectations are. And perhaps you won't know that until you take it a little further and there's some intimacy.

Edited June 3Jun 3 by spidermike007

15 minutes ago, richard_smith237 said:

In your situation - the way to find out is to invite her away for the weekend.

If she shows clear reluctance with excuse or ‘mai dai’ kind of responses - then you are friends.

If she shows interest & a positive reaction - she likes you.

I like that idea. 👍🏼

13 minutes ago, Celsius said:

Was all this lovey dovey conversation carried in English? Where did she learn it? At the Cafe?

Yes, English. She knows all the best 7-Eleven vocabulary. You should hear her say, “Warm?” when you’re handing her your unwrapped toastie. The moment she asks that question, you just melt right into jelly!

42 minutes ago, richard_smith237 said:

Not all girls in Thailand are hookers & will only ffff for money - that’s just your limited circle of exposure.

Many wives and girlfriends are quasi sex workers, earning money from their partners, many men pretend to themselves that's not so

Trolling content and misuse of emoji - has led to a member losing his ability to use the emoji system and all his content in this topic being removed.

I'd say it depends on the age gap and her family and educational background. Have you asked her about her family? Like "do you have any kids? Are they going to school?" It's an innocent question to ask her. You can then progress to ask her if she is married. That's a logical follow-on.

She might be working there specifically with hope of meeting a Western guy. No problem with that, but caution is needed. You said she's mid 20s but you didn't mention your age. IMO, if you're in your late 30s or 40ish, that's not bad. Less good if you're 65-70.

Many older Thai women (mid-40s) are looking for Western guys too. They've usually had kids, are divorced but middle class and have pretty good jobs. They're looking more for a new companion rather than a richer guy. You can tell when they are well dressed and give you the eye in a shopping centre or supermarket, etc.

Age gaps are OK if it's 50-25, or 60-30 but when it gets to 70-40 it's not going to work. But have fun while it lasts.

A woman is still a woman after she passes teen years, and most still want the same things from a man. Security and faithfulness are the top two.

Age difference does matter, in how you can relate to each other. Two different generations can blend but most will have problems, especially if there isn't strong communication, which is the glue that holds relationships together. It brings the trust, attraction, caring, honesty, empathy, love and providing for together. If she doesn't speak good English, she can learn more if willing, as that's mandatory for a good partnership.

Thai women, especially when they get to their 20's, know full well what a foreigner can bring to the table, and if they've seen and heard how the locals treat their women, which is world known, they might want that for themselves. More so if they've also been in relationships where they were used and dropped.

This doesn't mean the attraction won't be there, especially if she's not overly greedy and wants a partner more than a breadwinner. Still being a woman, she will want that closeness, which most do even if they're main interest is money and things. They still have to sleep with the man every night, and taking away the ones who have boyfriends on the side, which aren't worth anyone's time, that closeness goes along with the providing, which most women want, even if they're independent themselves. You have to ask yourself what it is you're looking for, as attraction has many losing the most important thing a woman can bring to a relationship. If it's a partner, that's what you aim for.

At the beginning of any relationship for any woman, she will have her motives just like you do. If hers are a partner that will take care of her that she's also attracted to, or if she just wants money and things to show off to her "friends", she will act much the same ways. A covert narcissist in a woman will love you like you've never known, until she has you hooked. A decent woman will do the same things, but the red flags won't be there, if you know what to look for, as the first are very good at their games. This is why time always will tell more. The longer you can put off falling head over heels, the better you'll see them as they really are, in all moods and situations. Half your age can work, but she will always want to hang out with her friends of her age, who will influence her somewhat, while you will do the same. Can it work? Yes, in some situations, but I and many others here can attest that the percentages are low.

@123Stodg Seems to me that you are well aware of Thailand and how things are. Nothing wrong with taking it slow. It just shows that you live in reality, as so many in this forum seems to have lost when entering the Kingdom. Like you describe that you are treating this girl, might actually make it hard for her not to like you. Thanks for being a guy with your head screwed on, and having to knowledge of differential treatment for different situations. In my opinion, this sounds like a good start. It doesn´t look or read like she would be a gold digger.

However, no one can tell. I like @richard_smith237 advise:

51 minutes ago, richard_smith237 said:

In your situation - the way to find out is to invite her away for the weekend.

If she shows clear reluctance with excuse or ‘mai dai’ kind of responses - then you are friends.

If she shows interest & a positive reaction - she likes you.

Doing that little thing might give you more knowledge of what she is looking for, or if she is looking for anything at all. I can just say, good luck! Maybe you have found a great partner, and it forms into something real. There are a few of us here, in difference to many, that actually know that Thailand has sincere and genuine women. That as well as it has many forms of fakes and delusions. This, however, does not sound like a person misleading you. Best advice, give it a try if it is something you really want and think can work in the right way for you.

And please, disregard replies and statement from @HappyExpat57 @BritManToo , @scubascuba3 and @SAFETY FIRST as they seem to have very limited experience of women and relationships in their lifes. Always complaining about women, look at them as tools for sex and generally put bad labels of both the women in their home countries as well as in Thailand. Generalizing is the cornerstone of their lives.

17 minutes ago, scubascuba3 said:

Many wives and girlfriends are quasi sex workers, earning money from their partners, many men pretend to themselves that's not so

There is absolutely no way of knowing this unless you know personally the thousands of people involved in foreigner-local relationships. Most women aren't cheaters, especially outside of the bar scene. You go there expecting faithful, you're playing against the odds. Some cheat, most don't, and no one knows about anyone's life besides their own.

3 minutes ago, Gottfrid said:

@123Stodg Seems to me that you are well aware of Thailand and how things are. Nothing wrong with taking it slow. It just shows that you live in reality, as so many in this forum seems to have lost when entering the Kingdom. Like you describe that you are treating this girl, might actually make it hard for her not to like you. Thanks for being a guy with your head screwed on, and having to knowledge of differential treatment for different situations. In my opinion, this sounds like a good start. It doesn´t look or read like she would be a gold digger.

However, no one can tell. I like @richard_smith237 advise:

Doing that little thing might give you more knowledge of what she is looking for, or if she is looking for anything at all. I can just say, good luck! Maybe you have found a great partner, and it forms into something real. There are a few of us here, in difference to many, that actually know that Thailand has sincere and genuine women. That as well as it has many forms of fakes and delusions. This, however, does not sound like a person misleading you. Best advice, give it a try if it is something you really want and think can work in the right way for you.

And please, disregard replies and statement from @HappyExpat57 @BritManToo , @scubascuba3 and @SAFETY FIRST as they seem to have very limited experience of women and relationships in their lifes. Always complaining about women, look at them as tools for sex and generally put bad labels of both the women in their home countries as well as in Thailand. Generalizing is the cornerstone of their lives.

No way you have a wife/girlfriend without some kinda of money incentive, your personality is not attractive at all

2 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

There is absolutely no way of knowing this unless you know personally the thousands of people involved in foreigner-local relationships. Most women aren't cheaters, especially outside of the bar scene. You go there expecting faithful, you're playing against the odds. Some cheat, most don't, and no one knows about anyone's life besides their own.

You are obviously one of the guys pretending to themselves. Anyone with a brain knows money is a massive draw

4 minutes ago, scubascuba3 said:

No way you have a wife/girlfriend without some kinda of money incentive, your personality is not attractive at all

There you have it! Your response clearly gives away the answer we already know. You don´t have a clue! Now go back among you closed society, choose a woman for the night and live your life as usual.

8 minutes ago, Gottfrid said:

And please, disregard replies and statement from @HappyExpat57 @BritManToo , @scubascuba3 and @SAFETY FIRST as they seem to have very limited experience of women and relationships in their lifes. Always complaining about women, look at them as tools for sex and generally put bad labels of both the women in their home countries as well as in Thailand. Generalizing is the cornerstone of their lives

Thanks for putting me among good company. 😁

Just now, scubascuba3 said:

You are obviously one of the guys pretending to themselves. Anyone with a brain knows money is a massive draw

No, I'm one who knows what goes on in the world, and doesn't go by other's opinions about women, thinking they're all the same. All women want to be taken care of to some degree. Some are greedy and money is first and foremost in their minds when looking for a partner.

Most are independent enough to want someone who's working and will be a partner more than money. Some want to be wives and mothers and want the same, but to stay home and be a loyal wife and good mother.

If you live in the bar scenes, your thinking will be of that type.

Of all the women I've been with, none in the west were looking for money. They all worked. Those here want a foreigner to provide, and will go with an older , more settled man because of that, along with thinking he will be more faithful than the locals have proven to be. Yes, they want a better life, which a foreigner can bring them money wise more than the average local man, but not all are greedy, and they're still women, wanting things a woman wants besides cash.

6 minutes ago, scubascuba3 said:

You are obviously one of the guys pretending to themselves. Anyone with a brain knows money is a massive draw

I would say, only the ones with limited experience. That, according to your many posts and advice on the subject on this forum, would include you.

4 minutes ago, SAFETY FIRST said:

Thanks for putting me among good company. 😁

You´re welcome! I guessed that was what you would say.

1 hour ago, richard_smith237 said:

In your situation - the way to find out is to invite her away for the weekend.

Why bother putting her in that situation? Just tell her “let’s go rest for a while “ then head on over to your place. Then you’ll both know.