Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[Jai Dee]

The latest Aussi tourism ad...

newaussietourismAd.mpg

[udon]

This sign at Penrith (nr Sydney) railway station was attracting a few trainspotters.

[tuky]

This sign at Penrith (nr Sydney) railway station was attracting a few trainspotters.

Excellent

[Jai Dee]

From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyser test. To his amazement the Breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[Jai Dee]

[Jai Dee]

Sometimes you come across a real gem like this letter to the editor... supposedly in last week's Australian:

"The Cole Inquiry has to separate the wheat from the chaff because the AWB couldn't see the wood for the trucking fees."

[Artisi]

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we Have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[Jai Dee]

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[LaoPo]

Sexual experiences you’ve had

44% of adults worldwide have had a one-night stand, with 22% claiming to have had an extra marital affair

Almost a quarter (23%) of adults around the world have had sex using vibrators and 20% have used masks, blindfolds or other forms of bondage

Women are more likely to have used vibrators when having sex than men - 24% compared to 21%

The most common experience for men (47%) and women (40%) is a one night stand

The Turks top the charts when it comes to having had an extra marital affair (58%) while the Norwegians (70%), Finns, New Zealanders and Swedes (all 64%) are ahead of the game when it comes to a one night stand

Sex using vibrators is most common in Australia (46%) and the USA (45%)

Is that bad for Australians?

source: Durex.

http://www.durex.com/cm/gss2005results.asp

LaoPo

Edited April 6, 2006 by LaoPo

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Careful there. They can chip ones teeth.

[TopChinese]

Er.. maybe its the conservative chink in me.. but how do men use vibrators during sex? Maybe some Ozzie bloke can show me?

[chuchok]

Er.. maybe its the conservative chink in me.. but how do men use vibrators during sex? Maybe some Ozzie bloke can show me?

I'm sure the Aussies on this board would love to show you.

[Patsycat]

You don't want to know... Stay naive...

[Axel]

Rules of Etiquette in Aussie land

Absolutely splendid collection from Stuart NMI Murdoch.

ETIQUETTE

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude

to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour

slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by

a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his

manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in

private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first

date.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after

the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests

have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in

your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out

of place)

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the

occasion.

4. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a

cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's

loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar

doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's

impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[gburns57au]

Er.. maybe its the conservative chink in me.. but how do men use vibrators during sex? Maybe some Ozzie bloke can show me?

I'm sure the Aussies on this board would love to show you.

Sure....

we ram it up the Kiwis ar$e while he is shagging the sheep.....

Edited April 10, 2006 by gburns57au

[SamuiRes]

This is sadly true!

More years ago than I care to remember, anyone arriving by sea into Sydney had to fill our a very long (several pages) and complicated Customs Declaration. It as so complicated that we used to carry Australian Customs Agents on board from the last port to help passengers fill it out correctly.

Eventually the Australian Customs agreed that this was not only expensive for them, but unnecessary and introduced a new "Oral Declaration".

All you had to do was "Fill out this new form" !!

[stumonster]

Er.. maybe its the conservative chink in me.. but how do men use vibrators during sex? Maybe some Ozzie bloke can show me?

yeah mate ,

while you are having a tinnie on the couch and watching the footy on telly,

you use it to scratch that itch in that hard to reach spot between your shoulder blades.

you need to use it cause the missus is busy giving you a head(blow) job.....

.

thaz wotcha woz askin , wern't it ? ? ?

Edited April 10, 2006 by stumonster

[skylar]

I found out last year that Kiwis call eskies 'chilly bins'!

[dr_Pat_Pong]

I found out last year that Kiwis call eskies 'chilly bins'!

and they call thongs ' Jandals '

[stumonster]

I found out last year that Kiwis call eskies 'chilly bins'!

and they call thongs ' Jandals '

and they call 'sheep' , darling .....

[chuchok]

I found out last year that Kiwis call eskies 'chilly bins'!

and they call thongs ' Jandals '

and they call 'sheep' , darling .....

And they call Aussies JAFAs

[dr_Pat_Pong]

I found out last year that Kiwis call eskies 'chilly bins'!

and they call thongs ' Jandals '

and they call 'sheep' , darling .....

And they call Aussies JAFAs

<deleted> is a JAFA ?

[stumonster]

I think he is saying ' Just Another Fantastic Aussie ' ...

[chuchok]

I think he is saying ' Just Another Fantastic Aussie ' ...

Something like that.

[udon]

I think he is saying ' Just Another Fantastic Aussie ' ...

Something like that.

[Jai Dee]

This girl may have only seconds to live...

Boony looks ready to snap... not at all impressed with a badly poured beer.

[chuchok]

This girl may have only seconds to live...

Boony looks ready to snap... not at all impressed with a badly poured beer.

Top bloke for an Aussie.had a big night on the turps with him in NZ.He went out next day and smaked 50 off 50 against Auckland.

[tuky]

New Zealand not for sale: eBay

From: By Paul Colgan

May 12, 2006

AN Australian man has failed in his bid to sell New Zealand for a bargain-basement price on eBay.

The South Pacific country was described by the eBay man as having "very ordinary weather" and bidding opened at one cent.

A generous bid of $3000 had been entered by the time the eBay realised the problem and stepped in to say New Zealand was not for sale, the Associated Press reported.

More than 22 bids were received before eBay - which describes itself as selling "mostly household items" - pulled the plug.

"Clearly New Zealand is not for sale," eBay Australia spokesman Daniel Feiler was quoted as saying.

"It is mostly household items we have for sale, but there are the occasional quirky items put up," Mr Feiler said.

We have a look at them and if they are OK we leave them, but if it is something that can't be sold, we take them off."

[dr_Pat_Pong]

New Zealand not for sale: eBay

From: By Paul Colgan

May 12, 2006

AN Australian man has failed in his bid to sell New Zealand for a bargain-basement price on eBay.

The South Pacific country was described by the eBay man as having "very ordinary weather" and bidding opened at one cent.

A generous bid of $3000 had been entered by the time the eBay realised the problem and stepped in to say New Zealand was not for sale, the Associated Press reported.

More than 22 bids were received before eBay - which describes itself as selling "mostly household items" - pulled the plug.

"Clearly New Zealand is not for sale," eBay Australia spokesman Daniel Feiler was quoted as saying.

"It is mostly household items we have for sale, but there are the occasional quirky items put up," Mr Feiler said.

We have a look at them and if they are OK we leave them, but if it is something that can't be sold, we take them off."

There'd be a few quid in selling off some sheep for fun purposes