Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[Tornado]

Not sure if this one's been posted before...

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an imergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.

Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes.

She finds condoms:

10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold.

She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

[Jai Dee]

Thailand travel advice reissue 20 September 2006

All,

As the movements of expats may be inhibited due to the current coup and the introduction of martial law, here is something that you may consider worth purchasing as an alternative means of entertainment. This will be of particular interest to our Kiwi friends.

Click Here.

[Artisi]

That is just too crazy for words bah- bah -bah

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Thailand travel advice reissue 20 September 2006

All,

As the movements of expats may be inhibited due to the current coup and the introduction of martial law, here is something that you may consider worth purchasing as an alternative means of entertainment. This will be of particular interest to our Kiwi friends.

Click Here.

It'll cheer up the Kiwi's during curfew hours

[Nignoy]

Thailand travel advice reissue 20 September 2006

All,

As the movements of expats may be inhibited due to the current coup and the introduction of martial law, here is something that you may consider worth purchasing as an alternative means of entertainment. This will be of particular interest to our Kiwi friends.

Click Here.

It'll cheer up the Kiwi's during curfew hours

These are already essential items in the Wallabies and Aussie Cricket teams Travelling kits Shane whatsisname has even got one with a mobile phone attached, expect the poms will discover them soon Nignoy

[chuchok]

During the war, a British General visited an Australian Army Hospital. Sensing a doom and gloom atmosphere he tried to rally the men by asking "Now you men didn't come here to die did you?" To which an Aussie replied " No sir, we came here yesterdie."

After several tough years battling everything in a tough NSW wheat growing district a cocky is telling his mate that he is going to pack it all in and drive down to Sydney and get a job. "What route will you take?" his mate asks innocently. The cocky has to think before he replies, "Probably the wife. After all she stuck with me through the drought."

Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

A: Sixteen. One to change the bulb and 15 to stand around saying, "Goodonya mate."

Edited September 26, 2006 by chuchok

[dr_Pat_Pong]

How many Kiwi's does it take to shag a sheep ?

[tuky]

How many Kiwi's does it take to shag a sheep ?

According to https://www.cia.gov/cia/factbook/nz.html there are 4,076,140 (July 2006 est.) NZers...

Does this help to answer your question Doc?

[chuchok]

How many Kiwi's does it take to shag a sheep ?

According to https://www.cia.gov/cia/factbook/nz.html there are 4,076,140 (July 2006 est.) NZers...

Does this help to answer your question Doc?

How many Australians does it take to root a roo......

[Artisi]

There are non available- they're holding the sheep for the kiwi's

[Rooo]

How many Kiwi's does it take to shag a sheep ?

According to https://www.cia.gov/cia/factbook/nz.html there are 4,076,140 (July 2006 est.) NZers...

Does this help to answer your question Doc?

How many Australians does it take to root a roo......

You can't I've got piles ( speed humps).

[dr_Pat_Pong]

How many Kiwi's does it take to shag a sheep ?

According to https://www.cia.gov/cia/factbook/nz.html there are 4,076,140 (July 2006 est.) NZers...

Does this help to answer your question Doc?

How many Australians does it take to root a roo......

bloody dangerous if they start to run

[Jai Dee]

After several tough years battling everything in a tough NSW wheat growing district a cocky is telling his mate that he is going to pack it all in and drive down to Sydney and get a job. "What route will you take?" his mate asks innocently. The cocky has to think before he replies, "Probably the wife. After all she stuck with me through the drought."

Good one Chuchok.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

That one is older than you JD

[Jai Dee]

With reference to tomorrow's AFL Grand Final...

[Jai Dee]

There are always two sides of the story.

A. Her Story

He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at the pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I had promised – but he didn’t say anything much about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought that we would go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny . I tried to cheer him up, and wondered whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn’t really sure.

So, anyway – in the car on the way home I told him that I loved him deeply, and he just put his arm around me. I don’t know what the hel_l that means because, you know, he didn’t say it back or anything. This really worries me.

We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to day that it’s all over between us.

Reluctantly, I said that I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes he joined me, and to my surprise , he responded to my advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him – but I just cried myself to sleep.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think that he is seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.

B. His Story

Australia lost the cricket. Got a root though.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[Jai Dee]

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the Australian coast while they were diving. He reports it to the police & spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news and maybe some really good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad new first"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you fancy comin' with us?"

[Jai Dee]

Two Aboriginals are riding along Oxley Road on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginal he has to leave.

"ey mate" they say "gissa pucken lift".

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginal put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Aboriginal Eggs.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".

[chuchok]

During the controversial Bodyline series of 1932-33, the English captain Douglas Jardine was said to have visited the Australian dressing room to complain bitterly to his counterpart Bill Woodfull that an Australian player had called him a bastard. Woodfull turned to his team and said: "Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?"

[Old Croc]

During the controversial Bodyline series of 1932-33, the English captain Douglas Jardine was said to have visited the Australian dressing room to complain bitterly to his counterpart Bill Woodfull that an Australian player had called him a bastard. Woodfull turned to his team and said: "Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?"

The Pommes still don't get the Aussie (or Kiwi) character and humour.

Edited October 22, 2006 by Old Croc

[John_Betong]

During the controversial Bodyline series of 1932-33, the English captain Douglas Jardine was said to have visited the Australian dressing room to complain bitterly to his counterpart Bill Woodfull that an Australian player had called him a bastard. Woodfull turned to his team and said: "Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?"

The Pommes still don't get the Aussie (or Kiwi) character and humour.

Not sure if it was Murray Goodwin or Eddo Brandes, anyway a portly Zimbabwean bowler. He was a phlegmatic chicken farmer, who once had to break off a tour because Mugabe's goons were attacking the farm next door.

Playing against Australia, Brandes/or was it Goodwin was being sledged by Glenn McGrath, who had just hit 2 6s in a row. McGrath had yelled "why are you so fat?"

"Because," the bowler replied calmly, "every time I shag your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

[Old Croc]

Some oldies, but goodies

Australian wicket-keeper Rod Marsh, to English batsman Ian Botham: "So how's your wife and my kids?" The reply "The wife's fine, the kids are retarded"

Shane Warne when bowling against Arjuna Ranatunga wondered aloud what would draw him out of his crease. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it." Ranatunga not to be out done believed to have said " Then i'm sure Boony here will get it before me" referring to David Boon who was fielding at first slip.

Shane Warne (Australia) to Daryll Cullinan (South Africa): "I've been waiting two years to humiliate you again." Cullinan: "Looks like you spent the time eating."

[tuky]

Pete the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built with

the woman who owned it.

She was telling him what colour to paint each room.

They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."

The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.

The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.

The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the woman was curious, so she asked "I keep telling

you colours, but you only yell out green to your workers. Why is that?"

The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've got a couple of

Kiwi's laying the turf out front."

[Jai Dee]

[LaoPo]

Doc: I see you laughing so much about Aussie jokes...are you an Ozzie by any chance ?

Nothing wrong with that.......since I'm some 20.000 posts behind you

LaoPo

Edited November 3, 2006 by LaoPo

[Jai Dee]

"KIWIFRUIT BLAMED FOR GLOBAL WARNING"

(Page 1 headline, Taranaki Daily News - 31/10/2006)

Poms say the humble Kiwifruit is responsible for discharging carbon emissions into the atmosphere by flying the fruit into Britain.

Aussies can relax now they have found the real cause of the widespread drought conditions, a spokesman said, “We knew the Kiwis were behind it somehow”.

[bwana1952]

During the controversial Bodyline series of 1932-33, the English captain Douglas Jardine was said to have visited the Australian dressing room to complain bitterly to his counterpart Bill Woodfull that an Australian player had called him a bastard. Woodfull turned to his team and said: "Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?"

lt was not Woodful who called Jardine a bastard, he was the Australian captain at the time and was most likely getting all his bruises attended to at the time Jardine came to the dressing rooms. No this line was uttered by Victor Richardson, after whom the main entrance at the Adelaide Oval was named. Richarson is also well known as the grandfather of the Chappel brothers.

[thelegend]

Crap. The best SAS is the Poms..followed by the Kiwis.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

LOL! and where do the Kiwis go to train?? It wasn't over 6 months ago either that the Poms were over here doing the same thing as the Kiwis! And that isn't hearsay! Known FACT!

Go and ask the US military who have the best SAS?! You might be surprised! And anyway... i'm sure you know the actual facts otherwise you wouldn't have posted that statement or was that only YOUR opinion?!

This is all crap. Everyone knows that all the SAS in the world are retired and living in deep inebriation in SURIN.!!!!!!!

[In the Rai!]

Kiwi Joke ( no not the rugby league team)

Two Kiwi girls are browsing around a perfume counter, one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist and smells it.

"That's quite nice, don't you fink Trace?"

"Yeah Sharon, what's it called?"

"Viens a moi"

"VIENS A MOI, what the fock does that mean?"

At this stage the shop assistant offers some help.

"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"

Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,

"That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?

In The Rai!