Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[Grover]

The guys in the RSL probably let you hang around to make them look better.

Edited January 16, 2007 by Grover

[tuky]

Bloody whinge'n Poms

Don't call us Poms, it's mean

November 30, 2006 12:00

Article from: The Daily Telegraph Link here

IT IS the Don Bradman of whinges.

A group of thin-skinned English expats wants the word Pom banned, claiming it is a racial slur on a par with the most appalling insults.

We reckon their campaign is a joke; and we want you to tell us your opinion - and send us your best Pom jokes - via our Brit blog.

British People Against Racial Discrimination has gone to the Advertising Standards Board in an attempt to derail the latest Tooheys campaign which mocks the warm-beer-drinking Brits.

The ads claim Tooheys' supercold brand is "cold enough to scare a Pom".

The Aussie brewer will fight the complaint, saying BPARDs gripe is as wide of the mark as Steve Harmison's first ball in the Ashes series.

"The Oxford Dictionary classes Pom as being derogatory just like <deleted>, wop, dink, dago, coon and abo, it's every bit as bad as the term nigger," BPARD spokesman David Thomason said yesterday.

BPARD, which has a committee of 14 and branches in Perth and Melbourne, does not want Pom banned from general usage but Mr Thomason believes there is an agenda in the media to take the insult to new heights.

BPARD has some well-heeled backing from the mother country in the form of the notoriously stuffy English and Wales Cricket Board.

ECB chief executive David Collier said in a letter dated October 10: "The ECB continues with our position that we would prefer the terminology not be used".

The Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission disagrees however, saying it is only the descriptive language used in tandem with Pom that carries offence.

"The prospect of the use of the word 'Pom' itself inciting hatred against a group appears more remote than the use of words used to describe other racial groups," commission spokesman Paul Oliver said.

The stink is unlikely to deter Australian cricket fans from roasting their English rivals when the second Test begins in Adelaide tomorrow.

But even that battle is skewed against the Poms, according to Mr Thomason.

"These songs that the Aussie supporters sing talk about we can't get near you because of your smell, your body odour, your bad breath, your buck teeth, your whingeing, have you got some soap," he said.

"The worst you hear from the Barmy Army is that Aussies are sheep shaggers and you all live in a penal colony."

[tuky]

An englishman wants to marry an irish girl and is told he needs to become irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain.

Anyway the englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and say "I am terribly sorry, theres been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!"

The englishman sits up and simply say "She'll be right, mate"

[tuky]

While waiting to finalise their Australian residental status, two Afghanistani men start chatting. As they part, they agree to meet in a years time and see who has adapted better to the Australian way of life.

True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second "We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules"

The second man replies "<deleted> off, towelhead"

[tuky]

Q: How do you know if you're a bogan?

A: You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table

...in front of her kids.

[tuky]

An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"

"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.

Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."

"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.

"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."

"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.

"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."

"Oh yes, Bruce,"

"Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."

"Yes Bruce."

"Shirl."

"Yes, Bruce?"

"You're bloody bad luck"

[tuky]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?

They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

What's an Australians idea of foreplay?

You awake?

What's a Tasmanians idea of foreplay?

You awake, mum?

[tuky]

A pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:

C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?

POM - 1 week.

C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?

POM - Business.

C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?

POM - I didn't think we still needed to!

[tuky]

New Zealanders love their rowing. Primarily because they sit down and go backwards.

[tuky]

After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.

SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!

"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."

The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"

The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".

"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"

His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”

[gburns57au]

After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.

SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!

"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."

The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"

The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".

"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"

His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”

If there were Poms at least they would have had a bath....

[In the Rai!]

A pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:

C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?

POM - 1 week.

C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?

POM - Business.

C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?

POM - I didn't think we still needed to!

That is bloody funny

[In the Rai!]

Fair does mate, millions of us escape the old Dart and roam the world, some of us were lucky and have discovered queensland we even sort of learnt the language and all its quaint customs, like only working 2 days a week and drinking fourex, but boy does living here have its bonuses, apart from fishing and crabbing, being made welcome everywhere you go, and all the natives try and speak english.The religion is a bit weird they worship a god called Wally, w ith weird named disciples called Alfie, Bruce and Darren one of the disciples called wendall was disrobed because he changed faith but all in all its a great place and I get to keep the mates down the local RSL honest,as the natives say I wouldnt miss it for Quids Nignoy

so true nignoy.. so true. We love our Wally and there is nothing better than a nice cold XXXX

p.s A little history about XXXX. We didnt name it XXXX because we don't know how to spell. We named it XXXX because we knew we would export it interstate to NSW and VICTORIA and we didnt want them to have any problems.

Edited January 17, 2007 by In the Rai!

[dr_Pat_Pong]

An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"

"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.

Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."

"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.

"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."

"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.

"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."

"Oh yes, Bruce,"

"Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."

"Yes Bruce."

"Shirl."

"Yes, Bruce?"

"You're bloody bad luck"

[Axel]

SYDNEY (AP):

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Parramatta, NSW courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[gburns57au]

well they beat kiwis every now and then......

[Axel]

Well, have a HAPPY Aussie-day, today!

[Jai Dee]

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[Jai Dee]

Making De Love

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my missus, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my d!ck on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the f*!king roof."

[Axel]

Got this from down-under:

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote.

We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.

I am, you are, we are Australian!

PS. We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!!

No other country has this distinction!

[Pink Mist]

well they beat kiwis every now and then......

thats like a slap with a limp lettuce leaf

[Jai Dee]

Australia Day 2007

Check out this awesome photo - this one deserves an award. Fireworks, lightning, sunset, a comet, and the greatest of Aussie icons, the beach all in one image.

In addition to the obvious features in the photo, look between the two displays of lighting up the sky to see the third - McNaught's Comet.

The photo was taken just north of Hillary's Marina, Perth WA, in which you can see the harbour wall on the left with fireworks being launched.

[Jai Dee]

[chiliwasabi]

Extracts from the Australian Etiquette Handbook

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys..

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the roo's in sight.

2. When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.

[Jai Dee]

An Australian Aboriginal goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute.

He asks , "How much do you charge for the hour, bro?" $100," she replies.

"Okay do you do Aboriginal style?"

She says "No!"

"I'll pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style?"

She again says "No" since she doesn't know what Aboriginal style is.

So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer.

So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Aboriginal style with me!"

Finally, she agrees , thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've been there and I've done that: had every kind of request from weirdos from every corner of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?"

So she goes ahead and has sex with him - doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several intense hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Aboriginal style' come in?"

The Aboriginal replies. . ……

"I'll pay you next week "

[Jai Dee]

Crime prevention in Mount Isa...

[Jai Dee]

FRANK was visiting Durban, South Africa from Australia recently... an innocent tourist abroad, when he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time... This is his story.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer tent when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. What else could a good Aussie bloke do ?"

These are the scorecards from the event:

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hel_l is this stuff? This could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian blokes are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children ! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry ! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: For God's sake ! Call Lucas Heights ~ I've located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my @rse with a snow cone!

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as his language is being very foul.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a d@mn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Bugger it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Aussie, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

FRANK: ...........................( No entry recorded ).

[Jai Dee]

COLD WINTER'S A 'COMIN

It was April and the Aborigines in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?"

The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold."

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter."

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked.

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aborigines are collecting firewood like crazy and that's always a sure sign."

[Jai Dee]

And just so our friends from across the Tasman don't feel neglected...

A young man graduated from University of Wellington with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from New Zealand, he went back to the bush to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all rooted it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and found her. After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly "I got lost once!"

[tuky]

"I got lost once!"

ouch