Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

not only soapdodgers but shoutdodgers

   

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I defy anyone to get a drink out of a well known Kiwi teacher, it's not a Dodger trait

That guy harbors death adders in his back pocket!

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Isn't it still called the urinal trick ?

[peter991]

A Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka.

Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

"KAMATE, KAMATE, KA-ORA, KA-ORA...KAMATE..." The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing.

So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the

Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"KAMATE, KAMATE, KA-ORA, KAORA...KAMATE..."

What the ??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain.

So they decided to send the Beam down and take another part of his brain.

The Aliens watched on.

"KAMATE, KAMATE, KA-ORA, KA-ORA...KAMATE..." WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain.

Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all. He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?" And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on, the bloke began to sing:

"WALTZING MATILDA...WALTZING MATILDA...."

[patricktan]

Hey Mike way to go.

[chuchok]

Newly appointed country manager of IBM AUSTRALIA told this story 20 years or more ago. He had a north of England accent. You work out who he is....

He had been here a couple of weeks and found himself in conversation with an old cockie.

Old cockie (OC), Tell me about yourself........

CM of IBM (CM), Well I was branch manager of IBM in Hong Kong, before that, Blah, Blah, Blah. (Showing off)

OC. Have you been to the Alice?

CM. No.

OC Have you ever shore a sheep?

CM No.

OC. Typical Pom....been nowhere, done nothin'!

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[Jai Dee]

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists: a university graduate and an old aboriginal.

They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan

Men on camels two by two

Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy!

No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old abo calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went

Met three whores in a pop up tent

They was three, and we was two

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The old aboriginal won.

[udon]

Good one!...... can anyone remember the Wheely Bin joke?

[Jai Dee]

Good one!...... can anyone remember the Wheely Bin joke?

Is it a wheelie wheelie good one?

<sorry>

[udon]

Yeah, the Abo was from Mulumbimbi(sp)

[dr_Pat_Pong]

The PC Police in Oz will hunt you down John. Bein' white you're easy to spot out there in Sinnee suburbs. Save it until you get back to LOS.

[udon]

Sorry, the indigineous (sp) person was from Mulumbimbi.

Warning, this post may contain references to dead ab/ sorry. indiges

A lot easier to say Abo........

[Artisi]

The wheelie bin joke

Scene: Everleigh st Redfern:

Cast :Garbo to Jacky.

Garbe: Say Jacky wheres yu bin

Kacky: I've bin sick

Garbo: no! no! Where's your wheelie bin

Jacky: I've bin in gaol

[chuchok]

Here's your weekly safety brief. Be careful what you wear (or don't wear),when working under your vehicle... especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[udon]

The wheelie bin joke

Scene:  Everleigh st Redfern:

Cast :Garbo to Jacky.

 

Garbe: Say Jacky wheres yu bin

Kacky: I've bin sick

Garbo: no! no! Where's your wheelie bin

Jacky: I've bin in gaol

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Thanks.......

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[chuchok]

An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks, "Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?"

The man replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"

Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and the husband says, "Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."

They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel.

The husband charges in and says to the manager, "Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?"

The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?"

[Tornado]

Ive heard that joke with a Kiwi and sheep in it

[chuchok]

A motorist was driving quietly along the road when, suddenly, his eyes goggled as, believe it or not, he espied a three-legged chook running beside him. It suddenly made a right hand turn, heading up a side track towards a nearby farm house. Intrigued, the motorist decided to follow the chook. At the end of the track, he met a farmer leaning on a gate.

The motorist said, "You probably won’t believe this, but I reckon I saw a three-legged chook running this way."

The farmer was nonchalant in response. "Yep, we breed them here."

"But why?" asked the motorist.

"Well, you see, I like a leg, my wife likes a leg, and me son likes a leg."

"And what do they taste like?"

"Dunno", replied the farmer, "No one can catch the little bastards."

[Tornado]

keep em coming chuchok.............

[chuchok]

A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia his truck has got a 'roo bar on the front that protects it if he hits a kangaroo. Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his 'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice.

"Breaker breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar. How can I get it out?"

A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out."

So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls straight out. "OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem."

"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.

"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"

[Jai Dee]

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby game. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch with bewilderment as the three Aussies buy only a single ticket between them.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Kiwi.

"Watch and you’ll see", answers the Aussie.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever plan. So after the game, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel ‘without’ a ticket?" asks one perplexed Kiwi.

"Watch and you’ll see", answers a Aussie.

When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and the Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Kiwis are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets please"!!!!!

[chuchok]

Very good JD.

[chuchok]

There was a disco at a local university and a fella asked a girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and said, "In Australia, we call this a hug."

"Yaah," she replied. "In Sveden, we call it a hug, too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek and said, "In Australia, we call this a kiss."

"Yaah, in Sveden we call it a kiss, too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to root her.

Lying together afterwards, he turns to her and grins, "In Australia, we call that a grass sandwich."

"Yah, in Sveden we call it a grass sandwich, too, but we usually put more meat in it."

[Jai Dee]

Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total b@stard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a b@stard".

Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aeroguard is worse than the flies.

And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER! It also doesn't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.

[Jai Dee]

A bit of background info on Oz for the tourist here.

[Jai Dee]

You're not Australian until...

1) You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's broad, Australian accent, eg. "Push off, ya flamin' drongo!"

2) You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or Holden makes the better car.

3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from the ocean back to your towel.

4) You know who Ray Martin is.

5) You start using words like "reckon" and "root" and call people "mate".

6) You stop greeting people with "hello" and go straight to the "how ya doin'?"

7) You've seriously considered running down the shop in a pair of Ugg Boots.

8) You own a pair of ugg boots.

9) You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out incomprehensibly until your throat went raw.

10) You kind of know the first verse to the national anthem, but don't know what "girt" means.

11) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess consumption of alcohol and a mate named "Dave".

12) You've risked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest day of the year.

13) You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can fly.

14) You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the clothesline pretending you can fly.

15) You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of "dress thongs" for special occasions.

16) You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care. (well as long as it tastes good ...)

17) You pronounce Australia as "Straya".

18) You call soccer soccer, not football.

19) You've squeezed Vegemite through Jatz to make little Vegemite worms.

20) You suck your coffee through a Tim Tam.

(now if you do these properly, they can almost be better than sex)

21) You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get away with wearing Speedos.

22) You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite or Marmite.

23) You understand the value of public holidays.

24) Your weekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports team.

25) You have a toilet dolly.

26) Your Mum made it.

27) You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat fashioned out of a fence post.

28) You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and have told a mate in tough times that "She'll be right, mate"

29) You use the phrase, "no worries" at least once a day.

30) You've been on a beach holiday and have probably stayed in a caravan.

31) You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo" and "barbie".

32) You've adopted a local bar as your own, usually the one you stumble out of after Fridee arvo drinks.

33) You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by geographical distance.

[chuchok]

For some reason I liked this one best....jum die,there are more sheep in orstralya.

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.

Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "What the ######!" the tourist cried, "what the ######'s going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"

"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"

[Jai Dee]

For some reason I liked this one best....jum die,there are more sheep in orstralya.

Yeah but there's more people too...

"you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"

Good one!!!

[Artisi]

This Aussie guy walks into the George St North Police station crying his out - and the Sarge behind the desks asks him what's the probem - well he says, " I just saw a Pommie tour bus crash through the railing on the Harbour Bridge and fall into the harbour" the sarge relies "that is a bit of an upset" - "yeah" says the Aussie guy - "here was 4 vacant seats on it".

[Jai Dee]

How well do you understand Strine?