Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[Pink Mist]

then theres the one about the jumbo jet still whining after the engines have stopped, full of soapies

[ozzydom]

A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia his truck has got a 'roo bar on the front that protects it if he hits a kangaroo. Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his 'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice.

"Breaker breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar. How can I get it out?"

A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out."

So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls straight out. "OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem."

"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.

"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Beauty Mate

[Jai Dee]

I hear the sheep shearers in New Zealand are wearing kilts now...

The sheep got used to the sound of a zipper.

Edited June 6, 2005 by Jai Dee

[chuchok]

[dr_Pat_Pong]

For some reason I liked this one best....jum die,there are more sheep in orstralya.

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.

Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "What the ######!" the tourist cried, "what the ######'s going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"

"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Is there a ( late ) echo hereabouts ?

[Jai Dee]

What a cool, calm, confident, and laid-back roo...

Good one chuckock!

Two Kiwi girls are browsing around a perfume counter, one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist and smells it.

"That's quite nice, don't you fink Trace?"

"Yeah Sharon, what's it called?"

"Viens a moi"

"VIENS A MOI, what the &lt;deleted&gt; does that mean?"

At this stage the shop assistant offers some help.

"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'".

Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,

"That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?

Edited June 6, 2005 by Jai Dee

[chuchok]

For christs sake Jai Dee...can you slow down a bit.I'm running out of material!

[Jai Dee]

For christs sake Jai Dee...can you slow down a bit.I'm running out of material!

Me too mate!

I must admit though, I've emailed a few mates back in Oz to help me maintain the supply line though!

[chuchok]

An Aussie that's been drinking Forsters

[Jai Dee]

An interesting article about Aussi/Kiwi rivalry from a Kiwi perspective

This bit in particular says it well:

"Why are Australian graves 20 feet deep? Because deep down they’re good value.

Australians are great people – and they make wonderful compost."

[chuchok]

An interesting article about Aussi/Kiwi rivalry from a Kiwi perspective

This bit in particular says it well:

"Why are Australian graves 20 feet deep? Because deep down they’re good value.

Australians are great people – and they make wonderful compost."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

JD, you're a rare Australian...you can laugh at yourself.

Pity I can't.

[udon]

What a cool, calm, confident, and laid-back roo... 

Good one chuckock!

Two Kiwi girls are browsing around a perfume counter, one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist and smells it.

"That's quite nice, don't you fink Trace?"

"Yeah Sharon, what's it called?"

"Viens a moi"

"VIENS A MOI, what the &lt;deleted&gt; does that mean?"

At this stage the shop assistant offers some help.

"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'".

Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,

"That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

19) You've squeezed Vegemite through Jatz to make little Vegemite worms.

Girt = Surrounded?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Girt by C

[Jai Dee]

This is an extract from the latest Mills and Boon Novel. With writing like this there really is no need for pictures.

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.

The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both as nature had intended. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered, 'Baa' before rejoining the flock.

(This book is only for sale in New Zealand)

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[chuchok]

If they had one of these ( )that gave the the bird, I would use it.

1 - nil

[Jai Dee]

If they had one of these (    )that gave the the bird, I would use it.

1 - nil

Will this one do?

[Jai Dee]

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.

Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."

Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"

After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."

So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone is disheartened.

Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?"

Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...

"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[chuchok]

2- nil

[Jai Dee]

A Kiwi, who was holidaying from NZ on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious", says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Kiwi hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So Kiwi went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS" said the lifeguard, "Mate... the potato goes in front!"

Edited June 14, 2005 by Jai Dee

[Jai Dee]

And just to show that Ostraylia is indeed a multicultural nation and doesn't only find humour in Kiwi-bashing...

A Polish man named Ziggy moved to Australia and married an Australian girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She is going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof.

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at chemist and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover!!!'

[tuky]

For the Kiwis amongst us.

Sung to the tune of ACDC Dirty Deeds done Dirt Cheap.

If your having trouble with your barnyard friends

You've got a thing for Huuueees

Been counting sheep

But your not in bed

Here's what you gotta do

Get off the barn

Stay off the Farm

Go read a nursery rhyme

Dialing 976 B-A-A

That kind of love's a crime

Dirty Deeds done with sheep

Dirty Deeds Little Boe Peep

Dirty Deeds and there done with Sheep *baaa*

Dirty Deeds and there done with sheep *baaa*

My friend, Larry, has a little lamb

Her fleece is as white as snow

He keeps bragging 'bout her night and day

Someone should tell him no

Look at the Flock, they're all in shock

Here comes that mutton fan

Knock at the fleece, give them some peace

Don't be a Barnyard Man, Noo

Dirty Deeds done with sheep

Dirty Deeds Little Boe Peep

Dirty Deeds and there done with Sheep *baaa*

Dirty Deeds and there done with sheep *baaa*

Velcro Gloves, Knee Pads, Late Night Dates

DONE WITH SHEEP

Warning Signs, Electric Fences, *baa* High Voltage

DONE WITH SHEEP

Dirty Deeds

Don't tell them what I dome to you

Done with sheep

Dirty Deeds

Dirty Deeds

Done with Sheep *loud groan/yell*

[Jai Dee]

Dirty Deeds done with sheep...

:D

I'll never be able to listen to that song the same way again...

[chuchok]

It's war.

Just give me a chance to find some filth on you dirty buggers.

[gburns57au]

It's war.

Just give me a chance to find some filth on you dirty buggers.

try looking in a Kiwi backyard......

[chuchok]

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One NZ SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One NZ SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The NZ voice calls out again "One NZ SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap, ...there's actually two of them."

[gburns57au]

The Kiwi navy was looking to upgrade its fleet.....Helen Clark ordered the Defence Minister to look for the best and fastest replacements he could find...

unfortunately for NZ the NSW Kayakers club wouldnt sell

[dr_Pat_Pong]

The Kiwi navy was looking to upgrade its fleet.....Helen Clark ordered the Defence Minister to look for the best and fastest replacements he could find...

unfortunately for NZ the NSW Kayakers club wouldnt sell

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[Jai Dee]

[Tornado]

hehe!