Actually, i was asking for Suiging's answer to this 'orrible 'orrible pwoblem i 'ave.

Can i go topless in said bikini wiv my chav burburry 'at on? while Wayne annoys everywon wiv doin' weelies on a jet ski?

Do ellefant bite and do they attack oos on the beach? I seen the videas.

Can i get me tits doon in laike 2 weeks? Will Wayne have to take that b-b-b- gas that they gave them soldiers during the waar? Bromide, while i'm in 'ospital?

Loddsa questions, i no, boot is it worf the money to get married on a beach in Thailand wiv family and fweinds? They don't like anything forayn?

Like, those funny people who smile all the time..

Dear Agony Aunt Sibey

You may find this hard to believe, but I know of this domesticated chimpanzee which has learned to use a keyboard. He's masquerading as a human being masquerading as a chimpanzee. Clever, isn't he? The problem is that he's found this Internet forum in a largish South East Asian country and is dispensing relationship advice to (mostly) real human beings! I tried reporting the matter to the forum's administrator, but he had me committed to an English asylum (which has been closed for many years).

And so to my question: Why do Thai motorcyclists never look before driving from a side street into a main road?

Yours sincerely

White Knuckles

E:T

Dear White Knuckles,

You've noticed that charmingly odd behavioural characteristic, too.

According to my Thai friends whom I've consulted extensively on the subject it's all about being non-confrontational. According to them, ridres don't want to be confronted with the fact that they're about to be run over by a speeding bus or pickup. Much better to be unaware of the impending doom than to have a few seconds (perhaps) to ponder your fatal stupidity while life flashes before your eyes. Once in this situation collision avoidance is rather pointless since a driver will keep the rider centered in their crosshairs to ensure a direct hit....much better than a glancing blow which might leave the rider injured but still alive, the driver a lot of explaining to do and a confontational situation for all concerned. I believe this is one of the basic tenets of Buddhism called the Middle Lane.

PS. That chimpanzee sounds fascinating.

Sibey.

Dear Sibey,

since several months my Mrs. claims that prices for products have gone up because of innflashion and that is the reason why she spends considerably more money. i tried to look up innflashion in Wicked Pedia but without any result. when i told the Mrs. that innflashion does not exist but belongs quite obviously into the category of rumours like "g-spot" and "female orgasm" she threatened to hit me with hard objects on the back of my skull.

how should i proceed? allocate more household money or wearing a steel helmet?

Dear Naam,

I suspect that if indeed your dear Mrs. did strike you with hard objects you would indeed experience localised "innflashion" thus proving it does exist. Your dear Mrs. obviously believes a hard object would also help to prove the existence of the g-spot and female orgasm, although a steel helmet may be somewhat uncomfortable for both of you. As the only alternative appears to be a full metal jacket I'd opt for more household money as the soft option.

Sibey.

Dear Sibey

If I shoot the bad men next door who have been jackhammering 12 hours a day for the past 3 days do you think any jury in Thailand would convict me?

Dear sbk,

provided you are considerate of your neighbours and use a silencer I think you'll be found to have done a service for the community.

Sibey.

I have a dream. I dream of buying the land next door to the house of the man who is building this giant resort next door to our place. Building a 5 story building, tearing it down and rebuilding it. Oh, say 5 or 6 times. With plenty of jackhammers. Its a nice dream I think

Dear sbk,

I'm told by reliable sources that off the plan buyers of certain high rise developments in Jomtien have the same recurring dream. Perhaps you are experienceg moments of spiritual transaudientialism.

Sibey.

What colour are the western ladies bikinis this year?

Dear Patsycat,

I'm glad you asked that question as it's so important not to make a "faux paux" on the beach.

This year, it's not so much about colour, but more about substance.

When there's so little substance the importance of colour becomes almost invisible. Basic black is always a safe bet though.

Sibey.

Oh my giddy aunt!!!

Not just your Aunt, my goodness I'm shocked

Moss

At least her nipples aren't going to get frazzled...

Or her clit! Oh my goodness, I can't believe I just typed that!!!

Dear Sibey

My boyfriend wants to know why farting in the bath smells so much worse than a dutch oven?

Has she got a sister who reads news for Phuket TV?

E:Replaced a piece of drivel with a different piece of drivel.

Dear Sibey

My boyfriend wants to know why farting in the bath smells so much worse than a dutch oven?

Dear endure,

I suscribe to the old traditional belief that one's own flatulence is odourless so I can only assume that you must be bathing with a friend which, I feel it is my duty to point out, is less than hygenic. Who knows how many germs and other nasty things end up floating around in the bath water. Yuk. One can only imagine what the ring on the tub looks like afterwards. Pray tell your mothers never hear about your personal hygene habits.

The enhanced smell all has to do with chemical bonding with the water molecules of the bath water. The added water content makes the gas heavier so it takes longer to dissipate thus remaining in contact with nasal receptors for longer and appearing to increase the smell. Something like those rotten egg gas experiments we all delighted in doing back in high school science class.

If you must insist on bathing with a friend you might consider lighting a few scented candles and placing them around the edge of the bath tub. This will help not only to reduce unwanted odours but will also create a rather pleasant mood.

Sibey.

PS. I'm reliably informed that "dutch ovens" smell worse on waterbeds than regular beds.

PPS. Don't forget to wash behind your ears thoroughly.

You think lighted candles are safe around someone with this kind of flatulence? seems like it could be a bit of a fire hazard.

Or her clit! Oh my goodness, I can't believe I just typed that!!!

Neither can I.

Or her clit! Oh my goodness, I can't believe I just typed that!!!

Neither can I.

Good to see this thread is making a contribution to Bedlam.

Or her clit! Oh my goodness, I can't believe I just typed that!!!

Neither can I.

Good to see this thread is making a contribution to Bedlam.

It's very important that it do so! Standards to be maintained and all that.

(My previous post mucked up in sequence. Hopefully, it will be self-evident.)

I agree with the comments above. This thread is a shining example of what the asylum should be all about! The Bedlamic wisdom and knowledge within these few pages should serve as a model for those creating future threads within Bedders. Who needs the sand box when we have such a fine contribution in general Bedders as this one?

Friends, posters and Bedlamites, I have a vision: Before this decade has ended, a man will make the 1,000th post on this thread. That will be one small step for a chimp. Um... so let him eat cake!

dear Sibey,

why has bedlam evolved into a subforum which is as interesting to read as the phonebook of a village in northern Manchuria written in mandarin? exceptional threads like this one just prove the rule.

Dear Sibey,

Is it possible to ever please, entertain or even challenge the intellect of a Klingon, or are they naturally at odds all the time with everyone in the universe?

And, if you mix the bloodlines of a Klingon with that of a germanic race would that improve or degrade the attitude of the individual?

thanks

grumpy croc

You could of course just tell them to sod off ?

dear Sibey,

why has bedlam evolved into a subforum which is as interesting to read as the phonebook of a village in northern Manchuria written in mandarin? exceptional threads like this one just prove the rule.

Dear Naam,

for a being of superior intellect you sure do have a lot of questions.

If you find the mandarin phone books of northern Manchuria boring then you might find editions in the local Manchu dialect more interesting.

Which particular village in northern Manchuria was that anyway ? It might be hard to find a village where the directory listing isn't full of Lis, Wangs, Zhangs, Lius and Chens.

For some additional excitement you could call a number at random and ask the lucky person how many chins they have or get a quote on some laundry.

Sibey.

Dear Sibey,

Is it possible to ever please, entertain or even challenge the intellect of a Klingon, or are they naturally at odds all the time with everyone in the universe?

And, if you mix the bloodlines of a Klingon with that of a germanic race would that improve or degrade the attitude of the individual?

thanks

grumpy croc

Dear Old Croc,

For Klingons it's a Yin and Yang situation. Too much either way and they have a natural propensity to compensate and revert to the opposite never quite achieving a balance. That's why a Klingon finds Bedlam and northern Manchurian phone books complimentary.

I thought the germanic race was already the result of human/Klingon interbreeding. But if I'm mistaken I'd imagine the germanic result wouldn't be much different but the Klingons would become better looking.

Sibey.

Dear Sibey,

Is it possible to ever please, entertain or even challenge the intellect of a Klingon, or are they naturally at odds all the time with everyone in the universe?

And, if you mix the bloodlines of a Klingon with that of a germanic race would that improve or degrade the attitude of the individual?

thanks

grumpy croc

Dear Old Croc,

For Klingons it's a Yin and Yang situation. Too much either way and they have a natural propensity to compensate and revert to the opposite never quite achieving a balance. That's why a Klingon finds Bedlam and northern Manchurian phone books complimentary.

I thought the germanic race was already the result of human/Klingon interbreeding. But if I'm mistaken I'd imagine the germanic result wouldn't be much different but the Klingons would become better looking.

Sibey.

what's wrong with Klingon looks featureless Earthling?

Dear Sibey,

expect my secundants to knock on your door any time from now. but i am itching to know your answers well in advance for the questions as specified hereafter :

1. why do i have the strong feeling you will select heavy sabres (sine sine style)?

2. will you opt for armour or "sine sine"?... not that this will make any difference.

3. will sunday at dawn, venue my backyard, be convenient and early enough for Mrs Sibey to arrange the cremation of your various body parts?

yours untruly,

Naam

Sunday BBQ at Naam's.

(Let them eat chimp...)

Dear Sibey,

expect my secundants to knock on your door any time from now. but i am itching to know your answers well in advance for the questions as specified hereafter :

1. why do i have the strong feeling you will select heavy sabres (sine sine style)?

2. will you opt for armour or "sine sine"?... not that this will make any difference.

3. will sunday at dawn, venue my backyard, be convenient and early enough for Mrs Sibey to arrange the cremation of your various body parts?

yours untruly,

Naam

Dear Naam,

what's wrong with light sabres at 10 paces ? Truly a civilised weapon. Not afraid of a Jedi are you ? May the Force be with you.

Sibey.

Dear Sibey

Do you have a solution for a man who seems to have turned into a hamster - whirling round and round in a wheel that he hates - getting up - working - eating - sleeping - ad infinitum...

Dear Naam,

what's wrong with light sabres at 10 paces ?

Sibey.

an unworthy proposal, impossible to be considered by a Klingon! i suggest instead pussy at negative distance.

Dear Sibey

Do you have a solution for a man who seems to have turned into a hamster - whirling round and round in a wheel that he hates - getting up - working - eating - sleeping - ad infinitum...

Dear endure,

Oh my goodness, what a terrible thought. I've met many men in LOS who seem to have turned into rabbits, but never met one who's turned into a hamster.

Somehow the cycle needs to be broken, but this will take a conscious effort. Songkran is an ideal opportunity to disconnect from the "hamster race" as you put it. This person should make plans now to do those things that they've said for ages they want to do, but never made the time. Well, now is the time. For the rest of the time over Songkran, all those hamster type things - "getting up - working - eating - sleeping" - experiment with different ways of doing them, or, if possible, don't do them at all.

For example,

"getting up": Over Songkran, stay in bed and read a book, watch a movie, surf the net, have a few friends over for a comfy lie in.

"working": If you really want to break the cycle why not think about changing jobs ?

"eating": I've never thought eating was dull, but then again I never had to eat hamster pellets either. If eating out all the time try a home cooked meal, or vice versa. If there's a special person involved make an effort to cook them a meal they'll never forget.

"sleeping": one of life's true pleasures. Use your imagination.

And speaking of imagination, there's a bit of Walter Mitty inside everyone, even hamsters. The first step to changing your life is thinking about it and imagining what you'd rather be doing.

Sibey.