I ordered a Chinese prostitute last night and she turned up 2 hours late.

She loved me wrong time.

I sat opposite this fit Thai bird on the train and I kept saying to myself

"Don't get an erection, DON'T get an erection..!!"

But she did..!!

I went to the doctors today but he refused to see me as he said I was drunk.
"I'm not drunk" I said, "I want a second opinion from your colleague."
"That will be a bit difficult" the doctor replied.
"Oh yeah, foreign is he?" I slurred.
"Not at all" he said, "That's a skeleton."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE TITTIES- She is PICTORIALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

I bought a book on eBay called, 'How to scam idiots on eBay'.
That was 3 months ago, and it's still not arrived yet!

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we

were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said,

"Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh Simon,"she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

I should ask a moderator to remove this joke!

It's really funny so does not belong in the worst joke thread

Whoa! This is definitely worth watching.

https://youtu.be/XmFmYLAveWM

Whoa! This is definitely worth watching.

https://youtu.be/XmFmYLAveWM

Not a joke!

but

Sounds like a great title for a new thread!

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected

he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

O n the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week

along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy

paddythe halswit.jpg

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected

he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

O n the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week

along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy

Will you please stop it!!!!

I have told you a number of times, but you refuse to listen!

This is the worst joke thread, kindly stop posting jokes that cause my beer to exit my nose over my keyboard.

If you want to know if a girl is into you, look at her feet.

If they point away from you, she's not interested,
If they're behind her ears, she's very interested!

I love the way the Earth rotates...

It really makes my day.

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."

LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."

LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."

LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me!"

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?

A: God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?

A: God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Only because he couldn't run fast enough!

inothernews.jpg

I had to google this. And indeed, it is a true story: http://www.odt.co.nz/regions/central-otago/327080/couple-close-death-after-night-stuck-keyless-car

A missed opportunity for a Darwin Award, I'd say.

BURIAL PLANS

A man and woman were married for many years. When ever there was a
confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would
shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back
and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors,
concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be
able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your
life?"






The wife said, " Let him dig.
I had him buried upside down...and
I know he won't ask for directions."

For our American friends:

Type in

loser.com

see what comes up!

This is not a dangerous link - go for it!

One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

I was about to tee off when my friend interrupted my back swing.

Here, look at this. He handed me an ordinary looking golf ball.

What's so special about that? I asked.

If you slice your drive and this ball lands in the water two floats pop out and it floats to the top then a little motor steers it back to the shore. If your drive lands in long grass then two blades stick out, the ball starts spinning around until the grass is cut and you can see the ball. Also, if you're playing and it starts getting dark the ball starts glowing and you can see where it is.

That's fantastic I said, where did you get it?

I found it.

Sorry.