A man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She said, "Take half and leave your ass."

"Good," he replied. "I won twelve dollars, here's six, now get out!"

Did you hear about the cow that jumped the barbed wire fence?

It was an udder disaster.

One day Kim jong Un will be dead.

And then his Korea will be over.

Last night I made a belt made from watches and clocks. but it was a waist of time.

What did the buffalo say to his kid when he left for school.

Bison.

For our American friends:

Type in

loser.com

see what comes up!

This is not a dangerous link - go for it!

Link checked, safe Unlike the world if he wins.

Please Please Promise it's not a rickroll!

My wife JAN, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out.

After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever..

Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied,

"Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."

A guy goes to see his doctor.

He says, "Doctor, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home."

The Doctor says, "Hmmm, it sounds to me like a case of Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Tom Jones Syndrome, is that common?"

"It's not unusual."

^^^^^ From the Odd Ode, this is the story of Sonia Snell, to whom an accident befell. It happened that Sonia needed to spend a penny and there behind the railway station, Sonia sat in silent meditation, unfortunately unacquainted, the set had recently been painted.

Etc.

Cyril Fletcher

Three football teams (Arsenal, Liverpool, and Hartsfield) are flying from England across Egypt for a match in the Middle East. Their plane crashes in the desert and they survive. After days of wandering, they are really hungry so when they come across a camel, the footballers decide to kill it and eat it. The Liverpool team says, "Because we play for Liverpool, will we eat the liver." The Hartsfield players decide, "Because we play for Hartsfield, we will eat the heart." Arsenal says, "I think we might go hungry..."

Did you hear about the cow that jumped the barbed wire fence?

It was an udder disaster.

Ouch!

Easter cookies.

A man sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!

Never trust an atom, they make up everything!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.

As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!

A man goes to his doctor.

"Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?"
"Do you smoke?" "No."
"Do you eat too much?" "No."
"Do you go to bed late?" "No."
"Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?" "No."
"Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?"

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as:

"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i"

rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated,

and the wife has gone off to her mother.