One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

OVER SEVENTY AND I JUST DON’T CARE!

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
This fat, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my bum and said, "You're kind of cute; you gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah. You gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I gotta pen."
I said, "You’d better get back in it before the farmer misses you!"
Cost me six stitches, but when you’re over seventy, who cares?

Janner: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, Sir?"
Janner: "Nah… she's pretty good looking."
When you’re over seventy, who cares?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look alright."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."
She split my upper lip, but when you’re over seventy, who cares?

I was telling a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really?" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
She cracked one of my front teeth, but when you’re over seventy, who cares?

I was caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
But when you’re over seventy, who cares?

I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
She knocked me under that table, but when you’re over seventy….??

OVER SEVENTY AND I JUST DON’T CARE!

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
This fat, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my bum and said, "You're kind of cute; you gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah. You gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I gotta pen."
I said, "You’d better get back in it before the farmer misses you!"
Cost me six stitches, but when you’re over seventy, who cares?

Janner: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, Sir?"
Janner: "Nah… she's pretty good looking."
When you’re over seventy, who cares?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look alright."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."
She split my upper lip, but when you’re over seventy, who cares?

I was telling a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really?" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
She cracked one of my front teeth, but when you’re over seventy, who cares?

I was caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
But when you’re over seventy, who cares?

I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
She knocked me under that table, but when you’re over seventy….??

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

Man says: please make my dog win the next dog race.

Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says: "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area. Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.

Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says: "Could I please have another look at the dog???"

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.

Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It`s free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter`s reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don`t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That`s the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren`t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"