Worst Joke Ever

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The old man has been missing a week now.

Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all his clothes back.

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I was watching a DVD the other day and it had that bit at the beginning about piracy saying,

"You wouldn't steal a car."

I thought,

I would if I could download it

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My wife asked me - honey am I fat?

I said no dear.

You're just easier to see.

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For Crossy?

 

 

 

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My wife just heard the ice-cream van outside and said, Any chance of you buying me one?

Get lost, I said.

You can't even drive.

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Can't believe Brazil named a beach after a Barry Manilow song.

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Van Gogh Family

His dizzy aunt--------------------------------Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes -------Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store
------Stop n Gogh

The grandfather fromYugoslavia-------------U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois---------------Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ---------Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------- A mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother---------- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach--------------Wells-far Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ------Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ----------------Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst -------------E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin------------------Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking---- Way-to Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van
---Winnie Bay Gogh

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There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and by far the best way is by text while at the pub

[sotonowl]

wow laislica some of these are terrible

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I dig,
you dig,
we dig,
he digs,
she digs,
they dig,

its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

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Some guy just offered me some velcro for a fiver...

I said no...it's a rip off

 

 

 

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Just been on the weight watchers website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is that a trick question??

 

 

 

 

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Two British male students were travelling around Wales in the summer break.
In the second week they found themselves in a restaurant in
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
A waitress asked the guys what they would like to order?
One of the guys said,"Actually,before we order,would you please tell us -slowly- the name of where we actually are?
"Sure" the waitress answered. You're in "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing"

 

 

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The person who invented the umbrella had originally intended to call it just "brella"

but when they were asked what it was called,

He hesitated!

 

 

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Did you hear the one about the butter... ?
Better not you might spread it.......

 

 

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A teenage girl comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.

You gotta let your rose buds show!" And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over, and that it is just not appropriate.
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie.

If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets!

 

 

[laislica]

22 minutes ago, sotonowl said:

wow laislica some of these are terrible

 

 

Had trouble understanding the title of the thread?

 

Ready to receive your offerings he he?

 

 

[sotonowl]

13 minutes ago, laislica said:

 

 

Had trouble understanding the title of the thread?

 

Ready to receive your offerings he he?

 

 

soz mate, i only do good jokes

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1 minute ago, sotonowl said:

soz mate, i only do good jokes

 

 

I see what you mean NOT 55555

 

 

[laislica]

7 hours ago, sotonowl said:

soz mate, i only do good jokes

 

 

Where are they then?

 

OK, OK, here's one:-

 

There I was, on a roll to do a full page of The Worst Jokes Ever and half way there, some Newbie

posts in with a complaint that some of my posts are Really ON TOPIC and then says :

soz mate, i only do good jokes!!!!

and I'm still waiting LOL

 

Now that's a goodun!!!

 

 

[White Christmas13]

　

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

[White Christmas13]

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

 

[White Christmas13]

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"