Worst Joke Ever

[chickenslegs]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

 

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

 

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

[chickenslegs]

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my…house.’

[chickenslegs]

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
 
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
 
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

[chickenslegs]

I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

[chickenslegs]

Weather girl: “…. and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my husband Bill would say, 8 inches.”

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

After moving to an old house in a very posh neighbourhood, the Smith family realised that it was haunted. So they consulted with a psychic to communicate with the ghosts in their house.

Psychic: There is a dead family of 5 living with you in this house.

Father: Yes, we knew it because we could hear them every night.

Psychic: Is there anything you want to tell the spirits?

 

 

Father: Yes, could you please ask them to pay rent and stay away from the spirits cupboard.
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Sophia, a beautiful young lady in her mid-twenties, went on three dates:

 

One with an acupuncturist, one with a massage therapist, and one with a chiropractor.

Afterwards, she told her girlfriends how each date went.

My first date was with the acupuncturist. That ended right away because he was such a prick, needless to say.

My second date was with the massage therapist, and he talked about marriage right away. He was applying too much pressure on me, and I can’t handle that touchy subject right now.

My last date was the chiropractor. He was perfect. I like him because he is so well-adjusted. He has a spine, standing up for himself. And best of all, he’s funny –

 

 

he cracks me up.

 

[scottiejohn]

[CantSpell]

[scottiejohn]

14 hours ago, CantSpell said:

The second I saw that I thought of Rosemary.

[radiochaser]

I

15 hours ago, CantSpell said:

 

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

The second I saw that I thought of Rosemary.

I thought I would give you two guys some Sage advice, then I realized this thread is just a joke.

[scottiejohn]

3 hours ago, radiochaser said:

I thought I would give you two guys some Sage advice, then I realized this thread is just a joke.

I am not trying to curry favours by peppering this reply with too many puns but I think you may be cumin on too strong but at least it is spicing up the thread.

Edited November 2, 2018 by scottiejohn

[CantSpell]

5 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

I am not trying to curry favours by peppering this reply with too many puns but I think you may be cumin on too strong but at least it is spicing up the thread.

You guys stop, am getting salty now... 

[Elad]

[chickenslegs]

Strange thing happened.

 

I haven't seen my girlfriend for a few days, but I found a note she left on the fridge saying "It's not working, sorry, Goodbye".

 

But there's nothing wrong with the fridge.

[chickenslegs]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Wouldn’t say my ex wife was stupid but !

Her: This audiobook is difficult to understand, needs subtitles.

Me: Then that would be a book !!

Her: [emoji848]

[chickenslegs]

Apologies for any crudity. I know how sensitive some of you guys are.

[chickenslegs]

 Dessert Island Joke ...

 

 

Edited November 3, 2018 by chickenslegs

[chickenslegs]

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.

One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"!

Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"

The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?"

[chickenslegs]

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."

 

The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."

 

So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."

 

Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."

 

So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv."

 

But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."

 

Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.

 

The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."

[chickenslegs]

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

 

The husband said, "No sweetie."

 

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

 

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

 

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

 

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

 

Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

 

And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

[Dexlowe]

On 10/31/2018 at 12:28 AM, scottiejohn said:

Yet another "rib tickler" leaving a bad taste in the mouth when it didn't quite come up to the hard expectation and, as it had a bad ending, climaxed in a right little b*stard of an outcome! 

You covered everything with your flaccid wit, didn't you! I shall now withdraw from this penetrating topic.

[scottiejohn]

4 hours ago, Dexlowe said:

You covered everything with your flaccid wit, didn't you! I shall now withdraw from this penetrating topic.

Oh no!  Please come again!

It was just a knee jerk reaction and I promise not to get too whipped up into another frenzied state like last time.

 

PS;  Your turn with the handcuffs and mask, I'll bring the cherries and whipped cream. 

Edited November 4, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

6 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.

One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"!

Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"

The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?"

That's it.  I am  getting really tee'd off now and going to have to get round to deserting this forum!

 

Edited November 4, 2018 by scottiejohn

[chickenslegs]

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.

 

The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”.

 

The bartender asked the man “What's wrong, why are you so down today?”.

 

The man says “My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month”.

 

The bartender says “So, you are sad because you will miss having her to talk to?"

 

The man said “No - I'm sad because the month is up tonight”.

[chickenslegs]

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

 

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

 

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

 

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

 

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

 

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

 

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

[chickenslegs]

A man takes his wife to the stock show.

 

They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.”

 

The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”

 

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”

 

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one.”

 

The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow.”