Worst Joke Ever

[bangkokpoppys]

Little Johnny was entertaining little Sally behind the sheds at school. Sally went home that evening and told her mother everything.

"Little Johnny showed me his pee-pee today!" she exclaimed. "It reminded me of a peanut," she said.

"Was it small?" asked her mother jokingly.

"No….." replies Sally - "It was salty!"

[bangkokpoppys]

Would you like a blow job?

Supplise!

[laislica]

Paddy and Mick are walking along a street in London.
Paddy looks in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign reads,"Suits £5.00 each,Shirts £2.00 each,Trousers £2.50 per pair."
Paddy says to Mick,"Mick look at those prices,we could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune selling them.

Now when we go in there,keep quiet,OK? I'll do all the talking because if they hear our accents,they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us.

I'll put on my best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy,I'll keep me mouth shut ,so I will,you do all da business" says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says in a posh English voice,"Hello my good man,"I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each,100 shirts at £2.00 each,and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each.

I'll back my truck up and load them on myself."

The owner of the shop says,"You're from Ireland,aren't you?"
"Well yes," says a surprised Paddy,"What gave it away?"

The shop owner replies,"This is a dry cleaners."

[laislica]

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told Her
they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she
said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her
husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the
bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see
that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he
came home.

He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself." The following Monday, while
the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do
you have hairs?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked:
"Did you see?"
"Yes," he said. "But why the <deleted> did you have to show her yours?"
"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!!"

[laislica]

[laislica]

[laislica]

Ah Christmas.
The day you get to have a lie in, then get up to go visit friends,

play on the new Playstation games, have a couple of drinks,

followed by a turkey dinner and Christmas pud,

then just chill out for the rest of the day while someone else cleans up all your mess.

It's <deleted> awesome in prison!

[AndersM]

What's got nine arms and sucks?

Def leppard

Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[laislica]

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000

He would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall an Irish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

[laislica]

My new party trick is that I swallow two pieces of string and then an hour later they come out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

[laislica]

[laislica]

Subject: Teaching Maths in Britain

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies.. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offense. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be

arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20

profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state

for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securities debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions

regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة

> الانتاج 80 من

>

[Daffy D]

I don't think this should be in the joke section.

[laislica]

I don't think this should be in the joke section.

You tink too mut!

This is not a joke section.

This thread is Worst Joke Ever.......

The maths joke must be close to the worst, don't ya tink?

[laislica]

[laislica]

[laislica]

[laislica]

[laislica]

[lost_in_space]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the other...er..nevermind.

[laislica]

Happy New Year 2014 everyone.

Three men, a Canadian farmer, an Arab terrorist and an American Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says theGenie..

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

The Arab terrorist was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable. '

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

[Robby nz]

How do crabs cross the road ?

On crutches.

[AndersM]

What's the difference between my ex wife and an onion?

I cried when I chopped up the onion.

[bangkokpoppys]

How do crabs cross the road ?

On crutches.

OMG…definitely in the right forum page….!!!!

[laislica]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[David48]

FIVE OLDER LADIES

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ... the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

[laislica]

How to Lie to the Bathroom Scale
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

[laislica]

Elderly Drivers

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

[laislica]

After 100 years lying on the sea bed,

Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

(Am I still on the right thread LOL)

[bangkokpoppys]

After 100 years lying on the sea bed,

Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

(Am I still on the right thread LOL)

with that one absolutely! Nice one!