Jump to content

Worst Joke Ever


Recommended Posts

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!

And look at you -- you're on the computer!!!!

If you don't smile at this you are toooooooooo darn busy---lighten up a little.

The purpose of life's journey is not to arrive safely at the grave in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out and shouting,
'Holy shit--what a ride.'

If you receive an e-mail entitled 'Bedtimes,' delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING ? ?

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

If the 'Bedtimes' message is opened in a Windows XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub of water.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.
***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man has some tests done. And he asked the doctor what’s wrong? ...

The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says I have some good news and some bad news.

The patient says, alright what the bad news is.

The doctor says I have to amputate your leg.

The patient asks, what is the good news? The guy in the bed beside you has an offer on your slippers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Edited by Shancloudy
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Anyone remember Tom Lehrer?

Bright college days, O carefree days that fly,
To thee we sing with our glasses raised on high.
Let's drink a toast as each of us recalls
Ivy-covered professors in ivy-covered halls.

Turn on the spigot,
Pour the beer and swig it,
And gaudeamus igit-ur.

Here's to parties we tossed,
To the games that we lost,
We shall claim that we won them some day.

To the girls young and sweet,
To the spacious back seat
Of our roommate's beat up Chevrolet.

To the beer and benzedrine,
To the way that the dean
Tried so hard to be pals with us all.

To excuses we fibbed,
To the papers we cribbed
From the genius who lived down the hall.

To the tables down at Mory's (wherever that may be)
Let us drink a toast to all we love the best.
We will sleep through all the lectures,
And cheat on the exams,
And we'll pass, and be forgotten with the rest.

Oh, soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife.
Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life.

But as we go our sordid sep'rate ways,
We shall ne'er forget thee, thou golden college days.

Hearts full of youth,
Hearts full of truth,
Six parts gin to one part vermouth.

EDIT

"De Brevitate Vitae" ("On the Shortness of Life"), more commonly known as "Gaudeamus Igitur"
("So Let Us Rejoice") or just "Gaudeamus", is a popular academic commercium song in many European countries,
mainly sung or performed at university graduation ceremonies.

OK OK, I'll get my coat.....

Edited by laislica
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nah, this is the one;-

Man goes to a hypnotherapist as he can't get a hard on.

Hypnotist does his stuff & tells him when you say 1 2 3 you will get a huge erection.

When your wife can take no more, she must say 1 2 3 4.

But beware, your dick will not get hard for another year! T

he man rushes home grabs his wife and shouts 1 2 3 and gets a huge erection!

His wife says what did you say 1 2 3 for?

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This?

Cheryl Cole, louis Walsh & Simon Cowell are walking along the street when Cheryl trips, falls forward and jams her head in some railings.

Simon, quick as a flash pulls her knickers down, and bangs her senseless from behind.

Slapping her tight little arse he turns to Louis and says "Your turn"

Louis starts crying. "What's wrong ?" says Simon. Louis sobs "My head wont fit in the railings !"

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Prince Charles was visiting a nursing home.

He asks a 93 year old lady, "have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?"

she replies "a couple of times but i prefer being f*cked up the ar*e on the sofa"

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

or this?

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun,

several hours later lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor "The good news is you are going to be okay,

The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so i'm going to have to refer you to my sister.

"Is she a plastic surgeon ?" replies the hunter

"No says the doctor "She's a flute player.

She will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face."

definitely in the correct forum!!!
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck. Get the f... away from me."

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"

"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? !? That's absurd!"

"No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family. She was five hours late and her family was getting worried. When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said CLEAN RESTROOMS".

Reminds me of another bad joke...

Why did the blonde stare at a bottle of orange juice?

Because it said "concentrate."

Edited by bangkokpoppys
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.



  • Topics

  • Latest posts...

    1. 36

      Indian Tourist Assaulted Outside Pattaya Convenience Store

    2. 26

      Thailand Live Friday 15 November 2024

    3. 161

      UK Pensioners in Thailand Face New Scrutiny Over Pension Fraud

    4. 16

      Thailand Considers Nuclear Energy as Gas Supplies Dwindle

    5. 20

      Gallup Poll: American's trust in "trusted" main-stream media falls to 31%

    6. 43

      Official: Trump Nominates RFK Jr. for Health Secretary

    7. 161

      UK Pensioners in Thailand Face New Scrutiny Over Pension Fraud

    8. 0

      Thai singer’s fake goods hit a sour note with socialite

  • Popular in The Pub


×
×
  • Create New...