"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem, cobber..?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate..!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke:

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?

'Not yet,' she replied

Missus said I was a bit pished last night. I asked her why and she said when I got back from the pub that I asked her to "cook my sock".

Who's the most popular male at a nudist colony?

The guy who can carry two hot coffees and 10 donuts.

Needless to say that the most pupular female can eat the last donut...!

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously one who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello," and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are 'dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Fookin Hell," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!

And look at you -- you're on the computer!!!!

If you don't smile at this you are toooooooooo darn busy---lighten up a little.

The purpose of life's journey is not to arrive safely at the grave in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out and shouting, 'Holy shit--what a ride.'

If you receive an e-mail entitled 'Bedtimes,' delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING ? ?

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

If the 'Bedtimes' message is opened in a Windows XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub of water.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.
***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!

A man has some tests done. And he asked the doctor what’s wrong? ...

The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says I have some good news and some bad news.

The patient says, alright what the bad news is.

The doctor says I have to amputate your leg.

The patient asks, what is the good news? The guy in the bed beside you has an offer on your slippers.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Anyone remember Tom Lehrer?

Bright college days, O carefree days that fly,
To thee we sing with our glasses raised on high.
Let's drink a toast as each of us recalls
Ivy-covered professors in ivy-covered halls.

Turn on the spigot,
Pour the beer and swig it,
And gaudeamus igit-ur.

Here's to parties we tossed,
To the games that we lost,
We shall claim that we won them some day.

To the girls young and sweet,
To the spacious back seat
Of our roommate's beat up Chevrolet.

To the beer and benzedrine,
To the way that the dean
Tried so hard to be pals with us all.

To excuses we fibbed,
To the papers we cribbed
From the genius who lived down the hall.

To the tables down at Mory's (wherever that may be)
Let us drink a toast to all we love the best.
We will sleep through all the lectures,
And cheat on the exams,
And we'll pass, and be forgotten with the rest.

Oh, soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife.
Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life.

But as we go our sordid sep'rate ways,
We shall ne'er forget thee, thou golden college days.

Hearts full of youth,
Hearts full of truth,
Six parts gin to one part vermouth.

EDIT

"De Brevitate Vitae" ("On the Shortness of Life"), more commonly known as "Gaudeamus Igitur"
("So Let Us Rejoice") or just "Gaudeamus", is a popular academic commercium song in many European countries,
mainly sung or performed at university graduation ceremonies.

OK OK, I'll get my coat.....

^ Deserves a prize for "Worst Joke Ever"!!!

Nah, this is the one;-

Man goes to a hypnotherapist as he can't get a hard on.

Hypnotist does his stuff & tells him when you say 1 2 3 you will get a huge erection.

When your wife can take no more, she must say 1 2 3 4.

But beware, your dick will not get hard for another year! T

he man rushes home grabs his wife and shouts 1 2 3 and gets a huge erection!

His wife says what did you say 1 2 3 for?

or this?

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun,

several hours later lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor "The good news is you are going to be okay,

The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so i'm going to have to refer you to my sister.

"Is she a plastic surgeon ?" replies the hunter

"No says the doctor "She's a flute player.

She will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face."

This?

Cheryl Cole, louis Walsh & Simon Cowell are walking along the street when Cheryl trips, falls forward and jams her head in some railings.

Simon, quick as a flash pulls her knickers down, and bangs her senseless from behind.

Slapping her tight little arse he turns to Louis and says "Your turn"

Louis starts crying. "What's wrong ?" says Simon. Louis sobs "My head wont fit in the railings !"

Prince Charles was visiting a nursing home.

He asks a 93 year old lady, "have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?"

she replies "a couple of times but i prefer being f*cked up the ar*e on the sofa"

Now that food has replaced sex in my life.

I can't even get into my own pants!

or this?

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun,

several hours later lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor "The good news is you are going to be okay,

The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so i'm going to have to refer you to my sister.

"Is she a plastic surgeon ?" replies the hunter

"No says the doctor "She's a flute player.

She will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face."

definitely in the correct forum!!!

Prince Charles was visiting a nursing home.

He asks a 93 year old lady, "have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?"

she replies "a couple of times but i prefer being f*cked up the ar*e on the sofa"

this one's a ripper! In the wrong forum!!!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck. Get the f... away from me."

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"

"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? !? That's absurd!"

"No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"

If you ever get the sudden Urge to run around naked, sniff some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking....

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

Jesus on the cross

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsely croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman guard is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!

A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family. She was five hours late and her family was getting worried. When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said CLEAN RESTROOMS".

A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family. She was five hours late and her family was getting worried. When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said CLEAN RESTROOMS".

Reminds me of another bad joke...

Why did the blonde stare at a bottle of orange juice?

Because it said "concentrate."

If you ever get the sudden Urge to run around naked, sniff some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking....

ohhh nooo …. is there a dad joke forum!!!