laislica Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 or this? It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokes. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about. Do I need to mention that it was a 12 step program? I put my left leg in! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post laislica Posted March 11, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 11, 2015 This one's so bad, it would be rude not to share it: As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Chinese, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African. They all went to a night club. The bouncer said ........ "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai." BOOM BOOM!! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitawatWatawit Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. 14. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar and asks about it. "You don't want to know," answers the bartender. A few beers later, the guy says, "Come on, I gotta know what the deal is with the monkey." "OK, I'll show you," says the bartender. He then takes the animal out of the cage and whacks it on the head with a bat. The monkey pulls down the bartender's pants and starts giving him a blow job. He looks at the guy and says, "You want to try it?" "Hell, yeah," says the guy. "But don't hit me that hard." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post JB300 Posted March 12, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 12, 2015 Sat in a restaurant last night & a guy behind me threw a prawn from his prawn cocktail at the back of my head. Turned round & asked him what the <deleted> he was playing at & he replied... "That's just for starters mate" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fasteddie Posted March 12, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 12, 2015 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Smokin Joe Posted March 13, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 13, 2015 My girl just texted me - "Your the best person I've ever met" I texted back - "No, You're the best person I've ever met" Now she really loves me and all I did was correct her grammar. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post laislica Posted March 13, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 13, 2015 Care to come over and watch porn on my Flat Screen Mirror? 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fasteddie Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I got rid of my vacuum cleaner, it was just gathering dust. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Sat in a restaurant last night & a guy behind me threw a prawn from his prawn cocktail at the back of my head. Turned round & asked him what the <deleted> he was playing at & he replied... "That's just for starters mate" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Bloke came up to me the other day and asked if I noah guy who could build him an ark. To ride a horse or not to ride a horse. That is equestrian. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I was having a guided tour round a factory which makes Christmas novelties and was shocked to see a worker with his knob in one of the items. "Don't worry about him" said the guide " He's f-cking crackers" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mca Posted March 13, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 13, 2015 i hear Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read. By the way have you seen his autobiography? " Around The Room In 80 Days" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fasteddie Posted March 13, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 13, 2015 When's the best time to buy a windmill? When the sales are on. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post JB300 Posted March 13, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 13, 2015 A piece of black tarmac goes into a bar and says "Give me a pint and make it quick because I'm hard and scared of no-one". Just them a piece of red tarmac comes up to the bar and the black piece dashes into the toilet. After a while he come out and says "Has he gone yet?" The barman says "What's all this I'm scared of no-one business?" The black tarmac replies "No-one messes with him, he's a cycle-path" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post JB300 Posted March 13, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 13, 2015 (edited) A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to an M&M. After a few beers the M&M says, "Hey, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says, "No mate, I'm soft centered & always end up getting my head kicked in." So M&M says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in & as soon as he sees them, M&M hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs & beating the crap out of him.. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to M&M and says, "I thought you were going to look after me." "I was"! says M&M, "But those Lockets are menthol" Edited March 13, 2015 by JB300 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkkmick Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Where do you send a Jewish kid with ADHD? To a concentration camp. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robby nz Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Ausi soldier runs into the medic tent yells out : "Come quick Doc me mates been shot fair up the ass hole" "Rectum son rectum" says the Doc "Wrecked Im's right doc its bloody near killed Im" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Smokin Joe Posted March 15, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 15, 2015 Q: If a stork brings a white baby, and a crow brings a black baby, what bird brings NO baby. A: A Swallow 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 668 - The Neighbour of The Beast 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 A bloke walks into a pub and is amazed to see a man playing the piano with a leprechaun sitting on top singing his heart out. The bloke takes a seat at the bar, orders a pint and in enthralled as the little fella blasts out " Danny Boy", "Candle In The Wind", " My Way" and other classics at the top of his lungs. After a while the pianist announces a short break and while he is out of the room the bloke is shocked to see the leprechaun walk down the bar, masturbate into the bloke's pint and take a dump in the bowl of complimentary peanuts. Upon the pianist's return the enraged bloke strides up and angrily shouts " Do you know your leprechaun just wanked in my pint and took a sh-t in the peanuts?" " No," replies the pianist, " But you hum it mate and I'll play it." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billd766 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 A bloke walks into a pub and is amazed to see a man playing the piano with a leprechaun sitting on top singing his heart out. The bloke takes a seat at the bar, orders a pint and in enthralled as the little fella blasts out " Danny Boy", "Candle In The Wind", " My Way" and other classics at the top of his lungs. After a while the pianist announces a short break and while he is out of the room the bloke is shocked to see the leprechaun walk down the bar, masturbate into the bloke's pint and take a dump in the bowl of complimentary peanuts. Upon the pianist's return the enraged bloke strides up and angrily shouts " Do you know your leprechaun just wanked in my pint and took a sh-t in the peanuts?" " No," replies the pianist, " But you hum it mate and I'll play it." That sounds a bit like the punch line in this old commercial. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post laislica Posted March 16, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 16, 2015 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stan42 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 -Knock knock -Who's there? -Atch -Atch who? -Gesundheit 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stan42 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Two cannibals eat a clown. One says "Does this taste funny to you?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 While she was ‘flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’ To which she replied, ‘I’m late for work.’ ‘Oh yeah,’ said the cop, ‘what do you do?’ ‘I’m a rectum stretcher,’ she responded. The cop stammered, ‘A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’ ‘Well,’ she said, ‘I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.’ And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot <deleted>? ‘ he asked. ‘You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stan42 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Where do you send a Jewish kid with ADHD? To a concentration camp. That's not funny. My grandpa died in a concentration camp. He slipped and broke his neck whilst patrolling the guard tower. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michaelaway Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 The Hua Hin Circus today announced the untimely passing of longtime crowd favorite Mr. Freddie Miles, the Human Cannonball and have asked the public to rest assured that they have already begun a search for a new performer... of the same caliber. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michaelaway Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic... and so am I. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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