Am I Just The Typical Stupid Farang?

[johndpoole]

How is it that Thai women are so genetically different but all you westerners are still either here in Thailand going after them or still obsessed enough with them to be posting in this thread and subscribing to this board?

According to many here the majority of Thai women only care about fleecing men and not about feeling secure or wanting to feel loved. That they are incapable of hating what some of them do to themselves to be able to make a enough money to take care of themselves and possibly a child from some Thai man who walked out on them.

How do you consider only your views of them and not how many westerners and Thai men have made them feel about themselves. You talk about them but their stereotype of most westerners being a walking hard-on with the words ATM tattooed on their forehead is much more accurate. Oh, but I guess it was them who created this stereotype.

All good points. Many marriages/relationships from way back to the Greeks and Romans have been about money and power, most usually, but not always on the male side. In many cultures it is a package deal ie. you get the whole family, this is not just a Thai thing. One of the significant things that has changed in many Western countries was a result of the 'romantics' who popped up in the 18th and 19th century with this idea that love and marriage go together. As Tina Turner famously put 'what's love got to do with it'? For many cultures it is about financial security, bringing two business families together etc. and if the couple are lucky love might come along later on.

anyway, gotta dash opff to work to earn money for the 'family'.

You sound like a real man.

Sorry if that sounds gay (not that there is anything wrong with that) but just wasn't sure how to word that better.

[Pakboong]

NO, not all of us typical farangs are that stupid. When shopping for a girl friend, take her family into consideration. Not all Thai families need your charity. Find one that does not.

[johndpoole]

I apologize if I come off holier than thou here because I too have issues and really had some back when I was younger as do some of the posters currently here. I just hope that some people step back and realize they are the ones with the issue and can only control themselves. No doubt there are some bad women out there (as there are men - just look at some of these posts) but in the end, we can only control ourselves. And if you want a relationship to work then you have to have trust and being willing to risk getting hurt or losing things such as money.

And any of you that read the above words and think how the girl who burned you did't do any of the above ... you are missing the point. You can only do what YOU can do to make things work and cannot control your partner or blame her for your actions except one ... and that is your leaving her because you are just not right together but even this can be done with respect for the other person ... because you can control yourself and your actions and always "try" to do what is right.

For those of you with daughters ... one suggestion I have is to ask yourself how you want your daughter to be treated in a relationship.

[NanLaew]

Lets not forget that there are many reasons for a relationship to end that has nothing to do with money. Of course it's easier on the ego to blame it on the money grabbing Thai girls.

I take it that rampant halitosis is also a deal killer?

[johndpoole]

NO, not all of us typical farangs are that stupid. When shopping for a girl friend, take her family into consideration. Not all Thai families need your charity. Find one that does not.

Great point. Some men with the means would love the fact the can help to bring a better life to the girl he loves and her family while other men may not have the means or care about such a thing and are only setting themselves up for problems if they get into a relationship like this.

Thailand is no different than any other country -- you need to find a mate that is compatible.

I am shocked to hear folks put down this girls as a party girl because she had a brief period where she went out a lot and we not only have no idea what was going on inside her at the time BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY .... maybe being in her young 20's she does want to go out and have fun at the disco with her friends. There are plenty of men who would love a girl like this and also enjoy partying both with her at the disco and some nights off with his own friends while she goes out with hers.

According the poster, the GF didn't go about going out the right way but she is neither here to defend herself or is she here seeking answers and more importantly the poster cannot control her and only himself. But he can ask why she went out to see if this is something she wants to do for a while in her life being young OR is she was just sad trying to escape something. Neither makes her a bad person but can help the poster understand if she is the right girl for him at this point in his and her life.

[a2396]

She probably doesn't have a new boyfriend now. She just needed to get over you and have you stop calling. Most Thai women think Farangs are all rich ... and by Thai standards most are.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH A WOMEN WANTING FINANCIAL SECURITY?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH A WOMEN BEING ATTRACTED TO A SUCCESSFUL MAN?

You losers who constantly see all Thai girls as money hungry whores need to grow up and get some self-esteem.

There is nothing wrong with a man wanting a GF or wife that doesn't need to be supported financially or who feels they should contribute very little financially to her or her family ... absolutely nothing wrong with this BUT you are truly a loser if you want to see the girl (in a poor country with little opportunity to make money legally for females) as some evil creature because she wants a man who will take care of her and her parents who raised her.

Relationships don't always work out and I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Sadly many Thai women are shy and have problems expressing their needs BUT she did tell you what she needed and either you didn't listen or care or you couldn't afford to take care of her and her family the way she hoped. If it is a matter of not having the funds then it still may have worked but lying is not uncommon (especially in Thai culture to avoid conflict) and she probably felt you had the money but just didn't think she or her family were worth spending it on.

Consider your GF was also probably VERY embarrassed having a farang BF and having to work for what was no more than 200 bhat a day.

This by ALL means doesn't sound like a situation where she was after your money. Thailand may have cheap rent for a crummy apartment but sending her 10k Bhatt or about $300 US ... how long were you gone? Was she supposed to live on 10k for a month or more? You left her when she had no job ... how scary that must have been for her.

Maybe I am wrong but folks who are unable to step into somebody else's shoes to think of their feelings are clearly self-centered folks.

My gut tells me you could easily get this women back if you can commit to take care of her financially. And offer the parents some funds to not just help them but help make her proud and show her parents she is well and has a good BF who will take care of her. By the way ... do you know the Thai culture and what is expected if you married her in terms of paying off the parents?

You should also ask yourself what did she do for you during this relationship? Who cleaned? Who brought you food and drink? Who took care of you? What did she do to take care of you? Or maybe don't think about this and be like others who post and believe a Thai GF should wait on them hand and foot but have no reward and be forced to sell food on the street to have a few bucks in their pocket and feel even the slightest bit of security financially if you were to leave her as you kind of did a few times.

Even if she was out selling sexual services those nights she was out ... why did she stay with you? Maybe she wanted the money to save face and not look like a complete idiot for being with a "rich" farang but being more poor (in terms of money in her pocket) then she was before she met you.

It is very easy for a Thai girl to be poor and she doesn't need a Farang BF to remain poor. How can she feel secure and loved by a man who is able to travel the globe but can only afford to give her $330 to live on and pay all the bills when he heads off on international flights???

Please don't take my post wrong as I really do feel for your situation and feelings and highly respect your coming to this board to get advice and answers but WE are all a bunch of dumb farangs here too for the most part and my frustration is directed at some of the responses --- not your original post. I am also concerned that you will become like many of these losers here who have predetermined notions of all Thai girls based on a bad relationship or two or three or even four. Since when does every relationship work in any country? Oh but then again maybe that is why they left their homeland and thought finding some poor girl in Thailand would be the answer because she would have to worship them and take a few left over crumbs and be happy even though she might be 20-years younger.

You are in your 20's and sounds like she may be young 20s. How many healthy 20 year old girls in any country don't want to go out and have fun? Have nice cloths? Have money to spend? You sound like you want to settle down and she might want to too but she also wants to have fun before she gets old and if she is going to settle down, she wants to do it with a man she knows will take care of her financially and that she will not one day be left with nothing if you leave. Consider if she takes care of her parents a bit now too that she will have them to turn to if you did leave her.

Bottom line is you are both young, from different cultures, have communication problems and often are forced to be seperated ... this is were the problems are coming from.

And I kind of am missing something about you going to Loas when you come back ... Even most poor Thai girls will prefer to be poor in Thailand and not Loas.

Who know exactly what all the factors are in this situation, particularly with her ideas as to what she expected for money. It would seem the OP was not giving her regular monthly support, which most women expect here. What is reasonable is the big question. Many big spender Farangs are giving 20 -30 50,000 bht per month to these women and often the man does not live in Thailand or see them on a regular basis. When women get the notion that this is commonplace or easily achieved (and maybe it is), it is not hard to see that they would think 10,000 bht per month is chicken feed. I have met several women who think exactly like this. Pay the asking price, or they are gone. That's love?

[NanLaew]

It would seem the OP was not giving her regular monthly support, which most women expect here.

Regards most Thai women expecting regular monthly support; that's just another sweeping generalisation from reading too many broken hearted farang stories.

I have met several women who think exactly like this

I am not gonna ask where you shop for honey!

Edited January 8, 2010 by NanLaew

[johndpoole]

She probably doesn't have a new boyfriend now. She just needed to get over you and have you stop calling. Most Thai women think Farangs are all rich ... and by Thai standards most are.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH A WOMEN WANTING FINANCIAL SECURITY?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH A WOMEN BEING ATTRACTED TO A SUCCESSFUL MAN?

You losers who constantly see all Thai girls as money hungry whores need to grow up and get some self-esteem.

There is nothing wrong with a man wanting a GF or wife that doesn't need to be supported financially or who feels they should contribute very little financially to her or her family ... absolutely nothing wrong with this BUT you are truly a loser if you want to see the girl (in a poor country with little opportunity to make money legally for females) as some evil creature because she wants a man who will take care of her and her parents who raised her.

Relationships don't always work out and I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Sadly many Thai women are shy and have problems expressing their needs BUT she did tell you what she needed and either you didn't listen or care or you couldn't afford to take care of her and her family the way she hoped. If it is a matter of not having the funds then it still may have worked but lying is not uncommon (especially in Thai culture to avoid conflict) and she probably felt you had the money but just didn't think she or her family were worth spending it on.

Consider your GF was also probably VERY embarrassed having a farang BF and having to work for what was no more than 200 bhat a day.

This by ALL means doesn't sound like a situation where she was after your money. Thailand may have cheap rent for a crummy apartment but sending her 10k Bhatt or about $300 US ... how long were you gone? Was she supposed to live on 10k for a month or more? You left her when she had no job ... how scary that must have been for her.

Maybe I am wrong but folks who are unable to step into somebody else's shoes to think of their feelings are clearly self-centered folks.

My gut tells me you could easily get this women back if you can commit to take care of her financially. And offer the parents some funds to not just help them but help make her proud and show her parents she is well and has a good BF who will take care of her. By the way ... do you know the Thai culture and what is expected if you married her in terms of paying off the parents?

You should also ask yourself what did she do for you during this relationship? Who cleaned? Who brought you food and drink? Who took care of you? What did she do to take care of you? Or maybe don't think about this and be like others who post and believe a Thai GF should wait on them hand and foot but have no reward and be forced to sell food on the street to have a few bucks in their pocket and feel even the slightest bit of security financially if you were to leave her as you kind of did a few times.

Even if she was out selling sexual services those nights she was out ... why did she stay with you? Maybe she wanted the money to save face and not look like a complete idiot for being with a "rich" farang but being more poor (in terms of money in her pocket) then she was before she met you.

It is very easy for a Thai girl to be poor and she doesn't need a Farang BF to remain poor. How can she feel secure and loved by a man who is able to travel the globe but can only afford to give her $330 to live on and pay all the bills when he heads off on international flights???

Please don't take my post wrong as I really do feel for your situation and feelings and highly respect your coming to this board to get advice and answers but WE are all a bunch of dumb farangs here too for the most part and my frustration is directed at some of the responses --- not your original post. I am also concerned that you will become like many of these losers here who have predetermined notions of all Thai girls based on a bad relationship or two or three or even four. Since when does every relationship work in any country? Oh but then again maybe that is why they left their homeland and thought finding some poor girl in Thailand would be the answer because she would have to worship them and take a few left over crumbs and be happy even though she might be 20-years younger.

You are in your 20's and sounds like she may be young 20s. How many healthy 20 year old girls in any country don't want to go out and have fun? Have nice cloths? Have money to spend? You sound like you want to settle down and she might want to too but she also wants to have fun before she gets old and if she is going to settle down, she wants to do it with a man she knows will take care of her financially and that she will not one day be left with nothing if you leave. Consider if she takes care of her parents a bit now too that she will have them to turn to if you did leave her.

Bottom line is you are both young, from different cultures, have communication problems and often are forced to be seperated ... this is were the problems are coming from.

And I kind of am missing something about you going to Loas when you come back ... Even most poor Thai girls will prefer to be poor in Thailand and not Loas.

Who know exactly what all the factors are in this situation, particularly with her ideas as to what she expected for money. It would seem the OP was not giving her regular monthly support, which most women expect here. What is reasonable is the big question. Many big spender Farangs are giving 20 -30 50,000 bht per month to these women and often the man does not live in Thailand or see them on a regular basis. When women get the notion that this is commonplace or easily achieved (and maybe it is), it is not hard to see that they would think 10,000 bht per month is chicken feed. I have met several women who think exactly like this. Pay the asking price, or they are gone. That's love?

You may be right in terms of expectations for a good number of Thai girls. My GF had similar expectations and took a while for her to realize I was not made of money. I think as in most relationships trust needs to be earned. She thought all farangs are rich but finally did come to understand that I tool a much lower paying job to remain in Thailand for us to be together. I also came to understand her desire for money and how even though I took care of everything financially, she would be left with nothing if we were to split up. It is also easy to not think about what it is like not to have your own money in the bank to spend. I will say one sterotypical thing and that is many women love to shop. She is very good about this but beams with a huge smile when I give her throw-away money and tell her to go to the mall. Not sure what Farang girl would not be just as happy but remember most farang girls in their country have the easy means to support themselves.

The bottom line is when I met my Thai GF and it was clear we were falling for each other, I asked her one thing and that was to never lie to me. In return I told her I would do the same for her and that she could tell me anything and I would never hold her past against her or ask her to talk about things she didn't. I also said that if she ever did anything she was sorry about I would always forgive her and she could tell me. Honesty is not as important in Thai culture and lying in many circumstances is okay. I learned this from us talking and sharing as she did how important I felt being honest in a relationship is.

Bottom line, I could have easily walked out or saw her as a money grubbing whore the first month or two but we talked and told each other why we did what we did and why we didn't understand what the other did or viewed things sometimes. Her culture didn't make her be that open at first and a number of times I simply had to have blind faith in her. To this day she doesn't talk as much as I do but because I talk so freaking much, she trust me and that has turned out to be her huge concern ... trusting I will never leave her high and dry and am not the stereotypical walking farang penis.

There was a couple time were that I was controlling and in one instance it approved very effective. She used to shut down and not talk when she was upset. One time she did it for almost 2-days. Since being loud is not really an option here, I decided to do this back to her once when I was upset. After a day or two she promised never to do the silent treatment to me again and I too did the same.

Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes and there are bad people out there but unless you are willing to put your heart on the line or take risks (including money) it is very unlikely you will find a long term relationship. With that said, there is also being stupid and thinking some girl is going to change her belief system or change radically just because you stepped in her life ... could happen but why start out with a girl who you are likely not compatible with?

[bgfkhlgfhgfdh]

'you donot lose your girlfriend just your place in line' - what a sad puppy you must be and what a slur on the majority of Thai women. Stop swimming in the sewer and you might meet some decent women or maybe you are just a misogynist

It's the simple truth. He left Thailand. He went back home. He stepped on airplane, lost his girlfriend. A new line was quickly formed to meet demand of his gf's availability. There is no need for a long and winding 100 page discussion about this. Sure, one could ponder every detail, and couch it all in polite terms, but when he comes back to Thailand he can find another Thai girlfriend, either the same one, or a new one. In the meantime, he can try to accumulate a stack of money at home before he comes back.

[losworld]

Live and learn. Move on. Many of these girls are like the wind and can shift one way to the other. She probably loved you but she also loves her family and the guy she just met. I don't think anyone should really get serious with one of the girls until you are physically able to be with her all the time. Otherwise she'll use the opportunity to play a few guys at the same time and "pick and choose".

She also may have been working in a bar. This may explain her coming and going at all hours.

There are faithful girls out there but I think you need to develop a relationship with them over a certain amount of time. Love at first sight is always a bit suspicious.

Good luck.

[berniefromny]

Hi Coronadian

wow i hope you feel better after writing that , unfortunately you are not alone with what happened to you

every week the same thing happens only the names change.

I have been with girls when there farang boy friends have called and they all seem to say the same,

Its like a script ,Dont beat yourself up over it , Just move on a little wiser and eyes open,

if it helps loads of people have gone through a similar event, but most wont admit it

best of luck

colino

i havent. poor girls from poor families just blare out BEWARE! A GIRL I KNOW WHO MADE QUITE a lot of money over the holidays said her mom was very happy, this sending money back to issan to ma and pa is REAL, NOT PHONY,

[berniefromny]

i dont think op is as innocent as he leads on. according to op he wasnt giving her much, but he was giving. he had himself a poodle all along.

the poodle just got hungrier!

stop the empathy this guy knew full well what he was doing.

Edited January 8, 2010 by berniefromny

[DLock]

In my opinion, you made a beginners mistake very early on...

"She had a low paying sales job with her sister when we met, but she gave that up when we traveled."

I'm making some assumptions, but in your eagerness to travel with her, you encouarged, or at best, didn't discourage her to leave her job. If it was her sister or even "sister", I'm sure she probably could have gotten that job back when you left for extended periods. "Low paying" is also relative.

Idle hands, no regular money, friends who had "better" boyfriends....sorry to say it was likely doomed to failure.

Good luck. Learn from it.

[CarlBkk]

You're right, he did indeed provide himself with a poodle. He thought that was how to play the game, so he put himself partly in the position of a provider and not a real boyfriend. He had to toughen up emotionally after that.

Most of us visitors have had to learn similar lessons, but we may not all have got as emotionally upset as a result. After all, the playing field is very unknown as a newbie.

You want a real girlfriend? Ground rules to play it safe are choose a more educated one, not so poor, office job approx. 25K+ so even if the family is poor she alone can afford her life + theirs. Lastly it's better to avoid the partygirls. In my opinion a girlfriend doesn't need regular handouts and wouldn't accept them (she would then become something else), but there are plenty who would think that is heartless and uncharitable.

[lannarebirth]

I think someone got to her after I left. Maybe a friend or something, talked her into this thai nonesense and that she should look for someone rich to give to her family. Maybe they showed off their iphone and bragged about it. Talked her into feeling guilty or something.

That's possible, but from what you've written I'd say more likely she realized that there was no future with you. You live hand to mouth and did not seem to be making any long term plans to someone who had committed their life to you. She probably decided that she was worth more than that.

[Latindancer]

I'm not going to blow smoke up your arse.

Maybe she liked you at one point, but if you didn't take care of mom, you blew it. With that said, is that the type of foundation you want to build a relationship on? Money?

Too many guys do that here and in most cases, they fail.

She's out drinking with her friends, party dress, can't hold a job, not coming home on more than one occasion... come on man, use your head and follow your gut. You asked here because you know it's messed up and it doesn't feel right. Follow your gut. Cut her loose. Consider yourself lucky. Move on.

Next time look for the signals and walk the first time you see them.

You nailed it, Tokay, particularly in the last sentence.

I had great difficulty in finding a girl who was right for me. I went through long periods of loneliness, and equally long periods of being with girls who were "good enough". But when I finally decided to keep moving until I found the right one, even though ones I met were ALMOST right, that was when I found her. There are PLENTY of fish in the sea !

Cut them loose the very first time they reveal anything you find unacceptable.....otherwise you are just fooling yourself.

It seems to me that you found the sense of intimacy you experienced with her to be the main attraction. This is in fact what I was looking for too; something I could not find with Western women. Some Thai girls are just like "the girl next door".

Come here again. Stay away from bars. Use the internet dating sites, and meet a girl who has a good job....this reveals her education.

I repeat.....meet a girl with a good job. There are PLENTY.

[johndpoole]

...

It was not simply money extraction, she probably did like you but had some other prospects on the go. The new guy will probably get juggled around too. Let me guess, she was really hot ?

No she was not really hot...she was attractive but you'll see 10 hotter girls everyday.

You sound like a decent, emotional guy, who has just been hit by a truck, but for sure if you get involved with a Thai girl their are may hurdles to face, very different to your homeland. But your story does sound like you were getting the run around. It has been said it's good she ended it but to me perhaps somebody has come along with money to splash around. Tough for you now but you will recover.

They were together for a year. He left 2 or 3 times and the last time without even knowing when he was coming back. Yea, really sounds like she gave him the run around ?!?!?

With that said ... girls are the same all over but you surely have to adjust when dating a girl from a different culture .. then again there are some incredible differences that are positive and why so many men "fall" for Thai women.

What is interesting is that nobody has mentioned that maybe this girl thought she was getting the run around from the poster. I've only heard his one sided view and already consider this as a good possibility. Even if he is being 100% honest and for the most part I think he is ... there is no doubt he is leaving some things out and it is only "his" view of what went down and we are only hearing what is going on and went on in "his" head.

There are many girls in Thailand (like everywhere) that fall in love with a different guy very often, especially when they are 20. But they were together a year.

The guy has a ticket back to thailand for a year ... lets not make him incorrectly think Thai women are evil. He needs to learn what he could have done different to either help the relationship or recognize (possibly sooner) that it was not meant to be.

[Tod Daniels]

Let's cut out all the emotional baggage and embellishments included in the post, which have little if any real value to anyone but the O/P. If you follow the bullet points I've compiled, (taken in sequential order and not paraphrased). It's easy to see once the emotional crap is weeded out; the picture is slightly less a rosy than the O/P imagined it was. There were plenty of warning signs which he failed to see due to wearing his "rose colored glasses".

HERE WE GO:

*I stayed with this Thai girl for over a year

*She had a low paying sales job when we met,

*BUT she gave that up when we traveled

*I also sent her a bit of money while I was gone

*She still didn’t have a job at this point

*Sometimes she would come home drunk

*she drink beer with uncle

*One night she didn't come home at all

*one night she came home in like a party dress, super drunk

*she met a friend and then went to go dancing

*there was my birthday, when she didn't come home

*she said she went home to her mom

*she said she go drink with friend because I don’t like her

*she was sorry and she loved me

*We both cried when I left

*I also send her money again

*she sends me an sms saying phone is broken

*sometimes it would ring but nobody picked up

*not a word for 2 weeks

*I get an sms from a thai number saying she lost her phone

*I have new boyfriend

*Thai culture have to take care parents

*you not even care abt that

YET ANOTHER OF THE O/P’s POSTS:

*shes not drunk regularly

*she isnt a party girl

*Shes an amazing cook (what thai gurl isn't good at cooking thai food? )

*She took care of everything (she wasn't working so <deleted> else was she doing? )

*She is everything I could hope for (I always say set the bar low enough and you can step over it instead of jumping... )

This was truly a slow motion train wreck in the making. It matters little if she was a flat nosed, dark skinned, splayed toed, 3rd grade drop out from Issan or a uni-educated, pearly white skinned, thai-nese, hi-so from Bangkok. The signs were there; the O/P either failed to see it, or didn't want to see it.

Self delusion is often the hardest illness to diagnose. ..

[johndpoole]

I'm not going to blow smoke up your arse.

Maybe she liked you at one point, but if you didn't take care of mom, you blew it. With that said, is that the type of foundation you want to build a relationship on? Money?

Too many guys do that here and in most cases, they fail.

She's out drinking with her friends, party dress, can't hold a job, not coming home on more than one occasion... come on man, use your head and follow your gut. You asked here because you know it's messed up and it doesn't feel right. Follow your gut. Cut her loose. Consider yourself lucky. Move on.

Next time look for the signals and walk the first time you see them.

You nailed it, Tokay, particularly in the last sentence.

I had great difficulty in finding a girl who was right for me. I went through long periods of loneliness, and equally long periods of being with girls who were "good enough". But when I finally decided to keep moving until I found the right one, even though ones I met were ALMOST right, that was when I found her. There are PLENTY of fish in the sea !

Cut them loose the very first time they reveal anything you find unacceptable.....otherwise you are just fooling yourself.

It seems to me that you found the sense of intimacy you experienced with her to be the main attraction. This is in fact what I was looking for too; something I could not find with Western women. Some Thai girls are just like "the girl next door".

Come here again. Stay away from bars. Use the internet dating sites, and meet a girl who has a good job....this reveals her education.

I repeat.....meet a girl with a good job. There are PLENTY.

I think this is great advice. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to support an extended family or wanting to have a girl who is more independent financially. Sometimes you cannot help who you fall in love with and maybe should fight to keep this current girl and try to accept and compromise on your differences. I really have not seen your reasons for not giving money to the family or her needing to work at crappy jobs every day of the month but you need to determine what is unacceptable and not to you in a relationship. If it is over with this girl, I feel for your broken heart but trust me, you will get over it and this poster gives some great advice on how to get over it and find a new girl that is likely more right for you.

[caf]

But shes not drunk regularly, hel_l we went through weeks on end without drinking. You guys don't understand, she isnt a party girl, yes she liked to go dancing every once in a while, but so do we all.

Shes an amazing cook, she regularly made the best tom yam goom I had anywhere. She took care of everything, dishes, washing, heck even my own personal hygiene. She is everything I could hope for. The way she talked about having kids, and taking care of everyone. you dont know her. I will not have her being drawn into the dirt here, no matter what she has done to my heart. Judging from your replies, shes a better girl than most of you woudl ever desirve.

I don't wanna go to thailand to have some fun with a random hooker. thats not who I am, and thats not who i want to be. I just want to figure this out.

RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just remember you are young. IF you were older and looking to settle down I would have advice for you but I don't know you or her that well to know if you want to settle down now or have got all the partying out of your system.

If you both want and are ready to settle down then .... Let her know you will not be selfish about money and that you consider the money you make to be hers just as much as yours. Sounds like she takes care of you very well and likely takes care of everything she can in the relationship while your position in the relationship is to bring in money.

Since you are young then maybe you don't have the money now to truly provide for her but I "think" she would be okay with this if you explained this and your plans for the future to become more successful.

You are asking her to take a big risk on you. You may have to leave her and the country at any moment and leave her with nothing. The least you can do is risk losing money.

Be honest with her about money. Show her how much you make and your bank statements. You have to understand that she thinks you are rich. You are both a farang and an international traveler. And I have little doubt you do have more money then you have let her on to believe because you are scared.

You can also talk to her about going to school if she wants to work. Maybe you can send her to some sort of trade type school for beauty or something. But realize even in Thailand these jobs pay very little and that even with a college degree it is VERY VERY VERY hard for a female Thai to get any kind of worthwhile job.

She needs to feel good about herself and it sounds like she does everything she can to take care of you but she is not feeling like she is getting much in return ... she can't even send a few bucks to her parents.

There are cultural differences and Thais are a bit more direct about money but think of being in your own country and what a typical girl would need and want there .... and if that girl would take care of you the way this girl does.

I am sure you hate to hear this but you are young and having relationships that don't work is part of life and so is getting your heart broken (multiple times). However, you sound like a good guy and am sure, even if she doesn't end up being the one, that you will eventually find your soul-mate.

Even if you are not ready to settle down ... somehow let her know she will be okay if you leave her and that she will not be left worse off and with nothing if you leave. Also, go have some fun with her and go to the disco with her. Maybe it is not your seen but most all girls love to go out and show off their BF and a new dress....

Good Luck!!

Very perseptive and good advice, john.

One thing I have noticed reading this thread and others lately is that the more well thought out and helpful posts seem to come from posters with a relatively low post count, the negative unhelpful "bashing" type of post from those with very high counts. There are exceptions of course but as a generalisation often true.

caf

Good luck Coronadian. Take the decent posts and pass over the others.

[johndpoole]

Let's cut out all the emotional baggage and embellishments included in the post, which have little if any real value to anyone but the O/P. If you follow the bullet points I've compiled, (taken in sequential order and not paraphrased). It's easy to see once the emotional crap is weeded out; the picture is slightly less a rosy than the O/P imagined it was. There were plenty of warning signs which he failed to see due to wearing his "rose colored glasses".

HERE WE GO:

*I stayed with this Thai girl for over a year

*She had a low paying sales job when we met,

*BUT she gave that up when we traveled

*I also sent her a bit of money while I was gone

*She still didn’t have a job at this point

*Sometimes she would come home drunk

*she drink beer with uncle

*One night she didn't come home at all

*one night she came home in like a party dress, super drunk

*she met a friend and then went to go dancing

*there was my birthday, when she didn't come home

*she said she went home to her mom

*she said she go drink with friend because I don’t like her

*she was sorry and she loved me

*We both cried when I left

*I also send her money again

*she sends me an sms saying phone is broken

*sometimes it would ring but nobody picked up

*not a word for 2 weeks

*I get an sms from a thai number saying she lost her phone

*I have new boyfriend

*Thai culture have to take care parents

*you not even care abt that

YET ANOTHER OF THE O/P’s POSTS:

*shes not drunk regularly

*she isnt a party girl

*Shes an amazing cook (what thai gurl isn't good at cooking thai food? )

*She took care of everything (she wasn't working so <deleted> else was she doing? )

*She is everything I could hope for (I always say set the bar low enough and you can step over it instead of jumping... )

This was truly a slow motion train wreck in the making. It matters little if she was a flat nosed, dark skinned, splayed toed, 3rd grade drop out from Issan or a uni-educated, pearly white skinned, thai-nese, hi-so from Bangkok. The signs were there; the O/P either failed to see it, or didn't want to see it.

Self delusion is often the hardest illness to diagnose. ..

No doubt this relationship lacked communication ... that is about all your post proves. By the way, I am LMAO right now that you claim the above is not paraphrased.

Edited January 8, 2010 by johndpoole

[bud69er]

Well. DegenFarang gave you good advises. Your words seem sincere. Many idiots probably will attack you (and me) here. Too stupid to understand feelings. You are young and your life will give you much more than this. I think this girl really loved you in her way. She didn't want you to suffer more than you do now. That's why she left you. Believe me, your life would have been a nightmare with her. Try to move on. One day you will understand......

well put, you have to watch out for the young thai girls, 2yrs ago i had a young one & also we got on GT, but i was still watching her, after 3-months i could see she only looked at me as a ATM machine, but i was clever in a way as she only really cost me 10,000bt as the clothes in BKK was very very cheap dress =100bt shoes =100bt, i only eatout wih her a couple of times as she was working, so just b-4 she comes to me at night i already had my food. i played the game same as she did but she thought i really liked her i did in a way but my eyes were open as so many storys i read b-4 coming to thailand, im 43 now & my G-F is 39 shes so much different as that young one, ive been living with her for just over 1yr now & we share every thing 50/50, but there is only 1 thing i not really like about her is that she like a ball & chain, shes like my shadow, wich i only want to go out to see freinds but i think shes scared i mite meet some 1 else but i keep telling her ive got you & that im very-happy with her, to cut a long story short ive got a break this april as my visa runs out so UK here i come, its not that i not love her its that we all need our own time even just 1hr alone. all i say to all be very very aware of all thais not just the women. good luck to all .

[Tod Daniels]

I am LMAO right now that you claim the above is not paraphrased.

Actually had you took the time to use a nifty feature available on the internet called; “Google”, (you’d have found, in less than 0.36 seconds, I might add) the definition of “paraphrasing” is; “the restatement of a text or passages, using other words”. As I cut the snippets right out of the O/P’s posts (misspellings and all) , I clearly wasn’t paraphrasing but direct quoting.

I freely admit the comments I made in parentheses (plural for parenthesis) on the O/P's second post snippets were my cunningly astute observations.

Please get your terminology correct before you cast aspersions about the veracity of my statements and/or my grasp of english.

BTW: 'johndpoole' what are you tryin’ to do? Set a new T/V record for the most long winded posts ever written by one person on a single topic? (Tryin' to bump up your post count are we? ) You're a veritable wealth of valuably insightful information and certainly at least a legend in your own mind.

BACK ON TOPIC:

I stand by my original claims about the O/P’s predicament; the signs were there all along.

[johndpoole]

Let's cut out all the emotional baggage and embellishments included in the post, which have little if any real value to anyone but the O/P. If you follow the bullet points I've compiled, (taken in sequential order and not paraphrased). It's easy to see once the emotional crap is weeded out; the picture is slightly less a rosy than the O/P imagined it was. There were plenty of warning signs which he failed to see due to wearing his "rose colored glasses".

HERE WE GO:

*I stayed with this Thai girl for over a year

*She had a low paying sales job when we met,

*BUT she gave that up when we traveled

*I also sent her a bit of money while I was gone

*She still didn’t have a job at this point

*Sometimes she would come home drunk

*she drink beer with uncle

*One night she didn't come home at all

*one night she came home in like a party dress, super drunk

*she met a friend and then went to go dancing

*there was my birthday, when she didn't come home

*she said she went home to her mom

*she said she go drink with friend because I don’t like her

*she was sorry and she loved me

*We both cried when I left

*I also send her money again

*she sends me an sms saying phone is broken

*sometimes it would ring but nobody picked up

*not a word for 2 weeks

*I get an sms from a thai number saying she lost her phone

*I have new boyfriend

*Thai culture have to take care parents

*you not even care abt that

YET ANOTHER OF THE O/P’s POSTS:

*shes not drunk regularly

*she isnt a party girl

*Shes an amazing cook (what thai gurl isn't good at cooking thai food? )

*She took care of everything (she wasn't working so <deleted> else was she doing? )

*She is everything I could hope for (I always say set the bar low enough and you can step over it instead of jumping... )

This was truly a slow motion train wreck in the making. It matters little if she was a flat nosed, dark skinned, splayed toed, 3rd grade drop out from Issan or a uni-educated, pearly white skinned, thai-nese, hi-so from Bangkok. The signs were there; the O/P either failed to see it, or didn't want to see it.

Self delusion is often the hardest illness to diagnose. ..

One thing your post proves is like many couples ... they didn't communicate and clearly they were in love.

ANOTHER WAY TO LOOK AT THIS ... Yes SHE was self-delusional and should have broke this off sooner.

By the way - you left out a lot including her growing up in Issan where she likely bathed and washed cloths in a river because she had no running water or electricity and that she almost surely came to BKK to make a better life for her and her family via sending money home ... but what you do say can be easily taken to mean ....

She was committed to him. She was an extremely hard and honest worker. Her best job she had she quit to because BF wanted to travel. After BF woo-ed her away to see sights she probably never thought she would she returned to BKK with no job, no means to send money home and ended up taking a job that required her to work every single day at something she hated for about $15 a day --- no days off. She quit and decided to instead make $15 a day working selling Issan food on the side of the road all the time while watching farang BF have all the money he wanted to do anything he wanted. Doing this while taking complete care of BF including washing cloths, cooking and generally everything she could to make him feel like a man --- in fact he did fall and remain head-over-heels in love with her but just wouldn't give her squat in the way of money and kept it all to himself ... even when he kept leaving her unexpectedly he would only give her $300 (he says) to take car of apartment, food and all her other needs for months. At one point in the relationship she broke down and couldn't take it anymore and started drinking and partying ... something she had never been able to do because she was too busy working and helping parents. After a week or two of this she saw this was wrong and went back to being the perfect little thai wife/gf but still had to work a job that no farang would do here for $15 a day, let alone an hour. She did this even after he left yet again unexpectedly and with no notion of when he would return and having to pay almost entirely for the apt. that farang bf chose to live and clearly out of her means of paying for (air conditioning?!?!?)... finally she came to her senses and moved on.

But am sure in your mind she was a money grubbing Thai whore who spent a year of her life to nail this guy for about 20,000 bhat.

Again, you simply proved the obvious and that is they had issues like all couples who split but sadly theres really seemed to be about communication.

[johndpoole]

I am LMAO right now that you claim the above is not paraphrased.

Actually had you took the time to use a nifty feature available on the internet called; “Google”, (you’d have found, in less than 0.36 seconds, I might add) the definition of “paraphrasing” is; “the restatement of a text or passages, using other words”. As I cut the snippets right out of the O/P’s posts (misspellings and all) , I clearly wasn’t paraphrasing but direct quoting.

I freely admit the comments I made in parentheses (plural for parenthesis) on the O/P's second post snippets were my cunningly astute observations.

Please get your terminology correct before you cast aspersions about the veracity of my statements and/or my grasp of english.

BTW: 'johndpoole' what are you tryin’ to do? Set a new T/V record for the most long winded posts ever written by one person on a single topic? (Tryin' to bump up your post count are we? ) You're a veritable wealth of valuably insightful information and certainly at least a legend in your own mind.

BACK ON TOPIC:

I stand by my original claims about the O/P’s predicament; the signs were there all along.

You restated his entire post ... duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[johndpoole]

I am LMAO right now that you claim the above is not paraphrased.

Actually had you took the time to use a nifty feature available on the internet called; “Google”, (you’d have found, in less than 0.36 seconds, I might add) the definition of “paraphrasing” is; “the restatement of a text or passages, using other words”. As I cut the snippets right out of the O/P’s posts (misspellings and all) , I clearly wasn’t paraphrasing but direct quoting.

I freely admit the comments I made in parentheses (plural for parenthesis) on the O/P's second post snippets were my cunningly astute observations.

Please get your terminology correct before you cast aspersions about the veracity of my statements and/or my grasp of english.

BTW: 'johndpoole' what are you tryin’ to do? Set a new T/V record for the most long winded posts ever written by one person on a single topic? (Tryin' to bump up your post count are we? ) You're a veritable wealth of valuably insightful information and certainly at least a legend in your own mind.

BACK ON TOPIC:

I stand by my original claims about the O/P’s predicament; the signs were there all along.

LMAO ... again you show so much insight into yourself when you make posts such as saying I may want to bump up my count. What the heck would I care about that for? Do I get a t-shirt? Sorry but I am just not as self-absorbed as you nor do I think the world revolves around me on this board or in a relationship BUT I DO CARE about men abusing women. And of course because I know how you think I will clarify that I care less about women abusing men because it is MUCH MUCH more rare in all societies and men generally have the upper hand ESPECIALLY in a country like Thailand.

AND I'll do what you did to show you are a liar and can't keep your story straight ... here is what you wrote and I copied the text exactly as you wrote it using cut and paste as you claim to have done.

* I cut the snippets right out of the O/P’s posts

* I freely admit the comments I made

*were my cunningly astute observations

Lets just say we are all capable of reading and don't need you to "RESTATE" what the poster said so that we see his words in a different light. ... your self-absorbed view that is.

And yes ... I will keep up my long winded posts to help educate the best I can men who think controlling (abusing) women is okay. There are too many folks like this here who try to spread their sick views on others.

I just cannot help wonder if you might better see through the females eyes if it was your daughter.

[anchan42]

While I was there she asked me for money exactly once. And that was like 9 month in. I have to say I met her mom and she really is sick (her hand is cripled), dad left a while ago. Anyways, this one time she said mom needs (and I dont exactly remember, was it medicine, or doctor, but something like that), can you help. I said how much, I don't remember exactly but I think it was something like 7000 baht. But the cynic in me told her no, I told myself this is a slipperly slope. I said I'm not responsible for that, and I cannot give money for your mother. I said I'll take care of you no problem, but not anybody else. She never said anything to me again.

I think this is what shes refering to when she said "Do you remember?".

Was I an asshol_e for not helping here there? Maybe it was legit, and she saw me differently from then on. I think I should have thought about this more, I would be pissed too if my mom was in trouble and my partner refused to help. But I dont know.

I am Thai so I probably am biased. I think this was your fatal mistake. If I were you I would not just simply give her the money (That is also many Farang’s mistake and why they got burnt) I would personally take her mother to the hospital, paid for the medical (Not that expensive in Thailand) and probably gave her some small cash, 1,000 would be more then enough and all the while acting like I was taking care of my own mother.

I think she tested you and you failed. One thing about Thai girl is that when you marry one; it is not only the girl you get but the whole family.

All the drinking and partying was probably her decision making process. She was choosing between you and her family and she was devastated because the choice she had to make was so obvious.

It is equally possible that she has already got a new boyfriend or she just uses that as an excuse. If she does have a new boy, I seriously doubt it that she is serious about this transitional boyfriend.

I would go to talk to her face to face and find out. Use your sense, being reasonable and sensible. Prepare to cut her loose if you feel she is after your money.

You are the best person to tell if that is the case or not.

[berniefromny]

hey thai person

if guys didnt give money to their thai gfs there wouldnt be any to complain about.

? thai person.............are middle class thai girls basically a no go for the avg farang?

[johndpoole]

And why was he leaving, perhaps we all haven't got pockets full of money and he has to work in his own country. My comment about run around was to do with her outings on her own, read his post again.

He said visa problems.

I read your post again ...

You sound like a decent, emotional guy, who has just been hit by a truck, but for sure if you get involved with a Thai girl their are may hurdles to face, very different to your homeland. But your story does sound like you were getting the run around. It has been said it's good she ended it but to me perhaps somebody has come along with money to splash around. Tough for you now but you will recover.

Sounds like there may have been a misunderstanding but in the USA when you say somebody is getting the "run around" it means something very different than going out. And remember her going out was something she did for what I believe was a week or two mid way through the 1 year relationship and something they both got over and got through .. things didn't sour again until after he left for what I believe was a couple months.

What for sure does sound like a "run around" was the whole phone thing not working and losing. But I think this again goes to their (hers in this case) lack of ability to communicate and be honest... or she was honest and he just didn't hear or understand the importance of things like being able to take care of parents.

Part of the point I really have been trying to make here is that based on what we have been told ... there should be no logical conclusion that this girl in anyway scammed this guy. In fact, it is a VERY illogical conclusion to draw even though we have only heard this guys half of the story. She was with him a year, received very little money from him and was working some of the most shet jobs you could.

It was simply a relationship that appears at least for now to not have worked out because of a lack of communication and understanding (leading to mistrust) of the other. Her being Thai, except for geographically and his leaving, played no part in this. They also could have communicated and still not accept or accommodate differences but at least this guy would hopefully not be as devastated. Even people in the same culture grow up with different belief systems in what is expected in relationships .. we either accept, accommodate or move on.

Oh, remember these two are in their mid/young 20's. It is just ridiculous to make this into the typical evil Girl (especially Thai) thread ... and I am not saying you did this.

Edited January 20, 2010 by tomat
fixed quote

[lannarebirth]

While I was there she asked me for money exactly once. And that was like 9 month in. I have to say I met her mom and she really is sick (her hand is cripled), dad left a while ago. Anyways, this one time she said mom needs (and I dont exactly remember, was it medicine, or doctor, but something like that), can you help. I said how much, I don't remember exactly but I think it was something like 7000 baht. But the cynic in me told her no, I told myself this is a slipperly slope. I said I'm not responsible for that, and I cannot give money for your mother. I said I'll take care of you no problem, but not anybody else. She never said anything to me again.

I think this is what shes refering to when she said "Do you remember?".

Was I an asshol_e for not helping here there? Maybe it was legit, and she saw me differently from then on. I think I should have thought about this more, I would be pissed too if my mom was in trouble and my partner refused to help. But I dont know.

I am Thai so I probably am biased. I think this was your fatal mistake. If I were you I would not just simply give her the money (That is also many Farang's mistake and why they got burnt) I would personally take her mother to the hospital, paid for the medical (Not that expensive in Thailand) and probably gave her some small cash, 1,000 would be more then enough and all the while acting like I was taking care of my own mother.

I think she tested you and you failed. One thing about Thai girl is that when you marry one; it is not only the girl you get but the whole family.

All the drinking and partying was probably her decision making process. She was choosing between you and her family and she was devastated because the choice she had to make was so obvious.

It is equally possible that she has already got a new boyfriend or she just uses that as an excuse. If she does have a new boy, I seriously doubt it that she is serious about this transitional boyfriend.

I would go to talk to her face to face and find out. Use your sense, being reasonable and sensible. Prepare to cut her loose if you feel she is after your money.

You are the best person to tell if that is the case or not.

Very good and sensible insights. I hope you stick around.