Etiquette When A Friendly "Servant" Has A Death In The Family

[Jingthing]

OK, I have contracted with a Thai cleaner for some years now and we are friendly to each other, and I have been generous with her in ways I don't care to detail. However, this is nothing like a full time and/or live in arrangement though.

In any case, I fear she may soon experience a death of a close relative.

We are not close enough for me to attend the funeral should this occur. However, I would like to make a gesture. What would you suggest?

[onnut]

Money!

[Jingthing]

Money!

Seems crass. OK, so how much?

[malcolminthemiddle]

Money!

Seems crass. OK, so how much?

I would offer a couple of thousand baht and make it clear it is for merit making at the temple during the funeral.

[onnut]

Money!

Seems crass. OK, so how much?

it is Crass but I think the Thai way. I have given 2-3k to staff who have lost parents or sibblings and they seem very happy with this. I think about 6 times altogether, and you know what really makes them happy, is to show up for an hour or so at the Funeral. so ask her when and where, she will appreciate it.

[cdnvic]

Pay her during the time off and give her travel expenses as a gesture of sympathy and appreciation for her service. Her merit making is a private decision for herself.

[mca]

As long as it's not the death of a second cousin twice removed or doesn't mean traveling to the other end of the country I think attending the funeral on one occasion leading up to the cremation would be a nice sign of respect. I certainly would.

[Jingthing]

Thanks for the helpful responses. Cheers.

[Chunky1]

Going to the funeral might make you the center of attention. I would just give her some money.

[lungbing]

I attended a funeral just last Sunday. It was my wife's sister's husband's father; my sister-in-law's father-in-law. He was family (just, I suppose) but my wife only put 500 baht in the envelope for the widow. I do think 2,000 baht is a lot for a non-family member.

It would show respect if you attend, it appears to me such ceremonies are open to all.

And I certainly was not the centre of attraction, even as the only foreigner there.

[cdnvic]

Troll post removed.

[Jingthing]

Well, predictably but sadly, I did need and use the advise here. I went with cash. I won't say how much. This is crass enough as it is. RIP.

[JurgenG]

Nothing crass about money in an envelop. it's the custom here. It will help to pay for the funeral arrangements, especially if the person is not very wealthy

200 to 500 should be ok.

[Jingthing]

It was definitely very much and sincerely appreciated with a wai and I am glad I could do something during such a sad time for her.

[jdinasia]

Pay her during the time off and give her travel expenses as a gesture of sympathy and appreciation for her service. Her merit making is a private decision for herself.

Concur

[Jingthing]

Pay her during the time off and give her travel expenses as a gesture of sympathy and appreciation for her service. Her merit making is a private decision for herself.

Concur

I would too for a real staff person, but in this case she has been helping me very part time and by the time I need her service again, the ceremony will be over.

[kokesaat]

"Going to the funeral might make you the center of attention"

Really? I've been to a dozen or more Thai funerals. I do the incense/candle thing at the coffin, find a chair toward the back or sit on the floor with the natives, take a soda or water if offered, then close my eyes and meditate for a few minutes while the monks chant. I offer an envelope with some money to the family. When all is said and done, I leave. Nothing to it. No one's ever asked me to dance a jig.

[robblok]

"Going to the funeral might make you the center of attention"

Really? I've been to a dozen or more Thai funerals. I do the incense/candle thing at the coffin, find a chair toward the back or sit on the floor with the natives, take a soda or water if offered, then close my eyes and meditate for a few minutes while the monks chant. I offer an envelope with some money to the family. When all is said and done, I leave. Nothing to it. No one's ever asked me to dance a jig.

been to a funeral of my wifes father.. did not make me the center.. Just did not meditate or pray im an atheist and wont pretend to be a Buddist. Let them do what they do i just sit and watch and support the wife if needed.

[Beetlejuice]

In Thailand whether it be: Engagements, Births, weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, funerals, graduations and so on, you only need to remember the key word: MONEY.

The only difficult part is deciding how much money you are going to give.

[bonobo]

As long as it's not the death of a second cousin twice removed or  doesn't mean traveling to the other end of the country I think attending the funeral on one occasion leading up to the cremation would be a nice sign of respect. I certainly would.

Agree.

[MiG16]

a little slow bonobo?

jingthing - i would like to say 'anumo thana sathu' - which translates roughly to, may you benefit in that good deed. usually said in the context when someone makes a merit eg. a monk in accepting your merit making item (be it money, food, clothing, medicine), or be it by the person you give the merit making item to (who in turn gives that merit item to the temple/or other charitable cause).

in this case the money you shared with the family is likely to be used for the funeral expense - either cremation expense, food served at the funeral, and/or money that the family will give as donation to the monks praying at the funeral.

regards

PS. let me know if you want me to close the thread.

[jazzbo]

If you do attend the funeral service and you don't like giving cash in an envelope, then you can bring a couple of cases of water bottles, drinking yogurt, or those small packaged snacks that always seem to be available at such occasions for the same 2-500 baht.

[noise]

If you do attend the funeral service and you don't like giving cash in an envelope, then you can bring a couple of cases of water bottles, drinking yogurt, or those small packaged snacks that always seem to be available at such occasions for the same 2-500 baht.

My experiences have been that the family has all this set up (and has committed the funds) for wake and funeral before the first day. It seems to be the custom (at least up here in the north) for friends, family, attendees to give a donation in an envelope to help cover the expenses and not to bring anything unless asked for or agreed upon prior to the wake.

We have attended some where the people were so poor that they did not have the money up front and were not sure they would get enough donations to pay for a casket. It was going to be a very bare bones (pun intended) one day wake/funeral/cremation, so we bought a casket.

One of our moo baan's guards died, one that we talked to daily, knew his wife and son. We sent a large (to them) donation because we liked them and we knew they were poor. If our maid's direct family member who we have met died, we would go to one of the days or go the day of the cremation (and maybe not go to the crematorium).

You have options.

Edited December 15, 2010 by noise

[MiG16]

given the OP has now already attended the funeral, and his question has been answered

(with some very good advice/options I must add)

I am now closing this thread

cheers to all