Does Your Thai Wife Get Offered Change When You Pay?

[kirk0233]

Usually when my Thai wife and I go to a restaurant or buy something on the street and I pay, she gets offered the change. This does not happen in upscale grocery stores or places like central, but it has happened several times in 7-11. I find this irritating and wonder if it is cultural and this happens to Thai men and their spouse or only foreigners. Have you had this experience when with your Thai spouse? If so, what is your take on this practice?

[Thaifan2]

Has happened me many times in restaurants.It seems strange to me also .

[msg362]

Has happened me many times in restaurants.It seems strange to me also .

Yes, me too. The other thing that happens and I find irritating is that if I order, say a beer in Thai, the waiter/tress will always speak to my wife to ask something. She says it's because they are shy/embarassed to try to speak to farangs. Who knows, but to me it feels like 'Does he take sugar' syndrome ( physically disabled people assumed to be mentally disabled too and never asked directly)

[bifftastic]

Happened to me in Tesco Lotus, first time it happened I just stood there looking confused with my hand out. Second time, my wife paid and I took the change.

I think they see us as strange creatures and prefer to deal with their Thai sisters.

I does smack of the 'does he take sugar' syndrome though.

I probably added to that by standing there looking confused with my hand out

[onionluke]

Happened to me in Tesco Lotus, first time it happened I just stood there looking confused with my hand out. Second time, my wife paid and I took the change.

I think they see us as strange creatures and prefer to deal with their Thai sisters.

I does smack of the 'does he take sugar' syndrome though.

I probably added to that by standing there looking confused with my hand out

I often get funny looks in Tesco, being led around on a bit of string by Mrs Onions .

[David006]

I sometimes get offered the change when the wife has paid?

Such fun when you ask the wife to find the answer to a closed end question ( yes or no)and it develops into a five minute conversation with no result..the wife then carries on as though nothing was asked!!..

me: "well"?....

wife: "well what?"

me: "what was the answer?"

wife: "to what?"

me: I explain again..

wife: "oh... she does not know".....

or even.."I not ask..don't like her..."

makes for fun shopping..lol

yes all part of Thailand's rich tapestry..

you'll get over it hopefully...don't sweat the small stuff..you'll be happier for it

[Nisa]

IMO ... Thais are a timid personality and are shy about speaking English if they only have basic skills. They feel more comfortable dealing with a Thai in case there are questions. Also, they may believe they are doing you a favor since the vast majority of farangs cannot read Thai and cannot exam the bill for accuracy ... as is almost a custom to do in Thailand. It is also the women who usually goes over the bill as well as usually handling the money when buying things like dinner and going shopping n Thailand.

But another thing on giving change .... does anybody else notice when going to a 711 type place that the girls behind the country always make hand contact with you when giving the change? In the US, when you give change you do it in a way that you try not to make hand contact .. be it putting the change in the receipt of folded bill or simply dropping it in an open hand a few millimeters above the open hand. Making actual contact of the skin in the US might be taken as a kind of flirt as well as some people generally just not wanting to touch people (skin to skin) they don't know ... but who knows, maybe I really am a "handsome man" and they are flirting with me

[CharlieH]

Yes, happens all the time, and being totally ignored as though you are invisible is common.

The norm is I'll ask the question (in thai), the wife gets the answer.

The other point I see alot is why dont Thai's like asking for directions or information ?

The wife will spend an eternity wandering around a store looking for something but will never ask a shop assistant, same when in the car, no way will she ask someone for directions to say a petrol station, is it all about losing face again ???

Edited September 2, 2011 by CharlieH

[jybkk]

Yes, happens all the time, and being totally ignored as though you are invisible is common.

The norm is I'll ask the question (in thai), the wife gets the answer.

The other point I see alot is why dont Thai's like asking for directions or information ?

The wife will spend an eternity wandering around a store looking for something but will never ask a shop assistant, same when in the car, no way will she ask someone for directions to say a petrol station, is it all about losing face again ???

I can give a few answers to that.

First, Americans are pretty much the "strange ones" regarding personal space and physical contacts. It's not just in Thailand, but in many counties around the world (if not most), personal spaces are much less than what americans are used to. So I'll return the question. Why do you need so much distance between you and why is a little physical contact with a stranger such a strange thing?

About asking the directions... or asking anything actually, it seems the Thais don't do it so much because people will tend to give random answers if they don't know. You can quickly end up at the opposite of where you wanted to go. So yes, it's related about losing face, but on the side of the person asked.

About interaction with foreigners and their wives, I'd tend to agree with what others said. It's mostly about shyness. Since my thai improved (especially the accent), I observe this happens less than before. And the more they are used to interect with foreigners, the less they will try to talk to your wife.

The change thing, I think it's because the wife is the one supposed to check and do the household accounting. They still give the bill to the husband because, well, he's the one supposed to pay, but the accounting is for the wife.

[AbdulJabaar01]

Thai's are more comfortable in dealing with their own kind, not a "Foreigner".

[Nisa]

I just asked my wife about this ...

She says they waiters just don't care and give the change to whoever is easiest or closest. Surely it may also have to do with shyness in dealing with a farang but my wife says every time she and our 21 year old daughter goes out, they almost always give the change to our daughter even though my wife pays.

It seems it is simply not important for them to remember who paid and to give the change back to the same person. Just as it is not important in restaurants to bring the food to everyone at the same time.

[farang000999]

i haven't noticed this.

[AngelofDeath]

I noticed this phenomenpn too. Excuse me, I am the one who paid, not my Thai friend. You should be handing the change to me and not them. This is a very simple concept, isn't it?

[jonclark]

If you don't like it - Tell your wife to defer these matters to you.

I think all expats married to Thai lady need to remember that in Thailand it's a man world - The man is the head of the family, you make the rules and decisions in your family. If you pay and you feel strongly that you are being overlooked / disrespected etc. by having the waiter return the change to your wife, have a word with your wife, explain your point of view she'll understand.

That is why it is vital that all expats who live here learn Thai so that they can take the lead in family matters, from ordering dinner to dealing with officials. Its a case of not being the timid foreigner and being a strong leader of the family, otherwise you're, in the eyes of some people, just being a bit of a pussy and being lead by the woman.

An old friend told me once in Thailand the man is the head of the elephant and the woman the tail. An elephant always walk forwards!! Think about it.

[coldmike]

In restaurants, it is often 'normal' to do an extremely thorough examination of the bill to make sure we are not overcharged. Since most of us farangs don't read much Thai, at least me, I have my wife or a friend review the bill and then I'll pay. The change will often come back to the person that checked the bill. Ok by me.

But... I think I contribute to the problems discussed above as I too will order food or beer in Thai and try to be specific to the best of my ability. Thai waiters or store clerks will think I can actually speak good Thai and reply with a barage of words which I can catch every fourth word or so. I get myself kind of lost often so I understand why they may not want to talk to me and choose to speak with my wife or other Thais that are around. Doesn't bother me at all.

[Jebhead]

Yes, happens all the time, and being totally ignored as though you are invisible is common.

The norm is I'll ask the question (in thai), the wife gets the answer.

The other point I see alot is why dont Thai's like asking for directions or information ?

The wife will spend an eternity wandering around a store looking for something but will never ask a shop assistant, same when in the car, no way will she ask someone for directions to say a petrol station, is it all about losing face again ???

This is very true about asking for info and directions, would rather drive about for hours than ask for directions. Or what else i've found is once asked for directions, 2 minutes down the road they are forgotten......and end up lost again anyway - amazing thailand.

I also find them reluctant to speak up for themselves when service is poor, whether some handy work done at the house / service in hotel or restaurant / car repairs etc, like they'd rather put up with shitty work service than speak up??? this i have noticed with many Thais, men / women / both old and young..

JH

[Geekfreaklover]

If you don't like it - Tell your wife to defer these matters to you.

I think all expats married to Thai lady need to remember that in Thailand it's a man world - The man is the head of the family, you make the rules and decisions in your family. If you pay and you feel strongly that you are being overlooked / disrespected etc. by having the waiter return the change to your wife, have a word with your wife, explain your point of view she'll understand.

That is why it is vital that all expats who live here learn Thai so that they can take the lead in family matters, from ordering dinner to dealing with officials. Its a case of not being the timid foreigner and being a strong leader of the family, otherwise you're, in the eyes of some people, just being a bit of a pussy and being lead by the woman.

An old friend told me once in Thailand the man is the head of the elephant and the woman the tail. An elephant always walk forwards!! Think about it.

The fore legs and the hind legs is a very old Thai saying.

What another poster mentioned about the womans role as the family accountant is important to understand and explains the change thing.

[PattayaParent]

The change thing never happens to me but the waiters do always make the mistake of giving me the bill in the first place.

I tell them I don't want it give it to the wife she pays.

[JAS21]

The change thing never happens to me but the waiters do always make the mistake of giving me the bill in the first place.

I tell them I don't want it give it to the wife she pays.

Same Same The easy way out..............

[Pib]

Happens to me also about 25% of the time if the wife is standing/setting right next to me.

I wouldn't read to much into it...I think most Thais just feel more comfortable handing the money back to the Thai wife for whatever reasons. My Thai wife usually just motions to them to hand the change to me when I'm the one who has paid.

In many, many Thai families the wife controls the money/pays the bills/buys the products....so many sales clerks are just use to a Thai female handing them the money and the sales clerk is almost in automatic mode to hand it back to a Thai female.

[pomchop]

Similar story from another culture: I lived for many years with a Korean girl. Typically if you go to a Korean owned/operated store the clerk will not hand you the change but lay it down on the counter. In NYC there were several cases where some black guy took offense with the clerk not handing him his change but laying it on the counter and shots were fired. When I asked my gal about it she said that Koreans lay the money down so you can clearly see it is the correct change so if you have some problem or question it is right in front of you.

Another favorite was when she told me once that Koreans all used to think that people who ate with forks were pretty uncivilized? HUH, I said, knowing that many americans think that eating with two sticks/chopsticks is pretty uncivilized.

BUT she explained in older times there was little or no hotwater, no dishwashers, etc and it is very difficult to clean out old food etc from in between the fork tines (?) whereas it is very easy to clean a chopstick...thus they figured to eat with a fork was a bit of a barbarian thing to do.

Different cultures have many interesting habits.

[Nisa]

I wouldn't read to much into it...

Agree 100% --- Thais are not rude people compared to many of us in the west. They simply don't have the same customs or rules of etiquette. We may interpret not saying, "Bless You" after somebody sneezes as rude but it is simply something not done here .... just as some things to Thais are considered rude that we do in the west. I figure being in their country, we need to adapt and not the other way around.

For all the complaining about ignorant or uneducated Thais, it is amazing that so many expats are incapable of learning from the Thais not to let such an irrelevant things irritate them.

On the other hand, I do find it interesting to discuss differences like this and why some things differ here ... such as the not bringing everyone's food at the same time. I've learned to adapt but it is odd after growing up your entire life believing it is rude to start eating before others are served. My guess is this goes back to their not being enough cooking space to prepare all the meals together and it simply is no big deal to eat while somebody else waits for their food.

[lonewolf99]

I say Sing - waitress say Singha

I say Singha - waitress say Sing

I say Kept tang - waitress say Check bin

I say Check bin - waitress say Kept tang

Waitress comes with the Bill - I get handed it

I pay the bill - GF gets the change.

Lost in Issan..BKK ...Chantaburi etc .Ask GF to ask for directions....no bleeding way much rather run out of fuel and die of starvation...

TIT...after 6 years you have to let it all wash over you and live with it...

One stunt I pull is I do the talking in Thai and the GF pretends to be Filipina and not speak Thai...that blows them away and causes utter chaos in the kitchen.....only spoilt by the GF as she cant stop laughing...

[Pib]

On the other hand, I do find it interesting to discuss differences like this and why some things differ here ... such as the not bringing everyone's food at the same time. I've learned to adapt but it is odd after growing up your entire life believing it is rude to start eating before others are served. My guess is this goes back to their not being enough cooking space to prepare all the meals together and it simply is no big deal to eat while somebody else waits for their food.

Yeap, pretty much standard operating procedure in Thailand. As soon as part of the order is cooked up, take it to the table even if the cook/food server knew the whole order will be ready in another 3 minutes. And as soon as the partial order is placed on the table, it's OK-fine to start eating...in fact, Thais will insist the person who gets their food first to begin eating since they know some of the food ordered could take a while to get cooked/served. This custom is just fine with me, whether I get my food first or last.

[chinook]

It's an etiquette thing, it always looks good to be seen paying the restaurant bill but not so good to be seen receiving small change, it's to keep your dignity intact. I always prefer they give change to GF . In places like Tescos and 7-11 a man shouldn'’t have to deal with the cashier anyway, he should’ve already given the cash to the wife to carry out such tedious menial tasks.

Edited September 2, 2011 by chinook

[PattayaParent]

I say Sing - waitress say Singha

I say Singha - waitress say Sing

I say Kept tang - waitress say Check bin

I say Check bin - waitress say Kept tang

Waitress comes with the Bill - I get handed it

I pay the bill - GF gets the change.

Lost in Issan..BKK ...Chantaburi etc .Ask GF to ask for directions....no bleeding way much rather run out of fuel and die of starvation...

TIT...after 6 years you have to let it all wash over you and live with it...

One stunt I pull is I do the talking in Thai and the GF pretends to be Filipina and not speak Thai...that blows them away and causes utter chaos in the kitchen.....only spoilt by the GF as she cant stop laughing...

My wife isn't Thai and I speak better Thai than she does.

I speak in English so they start speaking to the wife in Thai, so I start speaking in Thai back and they keep speaking Thai to the wife who responds in English!

With an ex TGF I used to speak Thai to staff, they would speak Thai to the GF and she would respond 'ask him yourself, he speaks Thai' and walk away.

[PattayaParent]

It's an etiquette thing, it always looks good to be seen paying the restaurant bill but not so good to be seen receiving small change, it's to keep your dignity intact. I always prefer they give change to GF . In places like Tescos and 7-11 a man shouldn'’t have to deal with the cashier anyway, he should’ve already given the cash to the wife to carry out such tedious menial tasks.

We always shopped in Carrefour so I could sit and have a beer while the wife did the shopping.

[CMSteve]

I've noticed this happening quite a bit a few years ago. i can only attribute it the the tradition of the thai woman being the "accountant" of the family. When the bill comes, it goes to the wife, the change as well. In fact, the same couple of baht in my wallet has been there for a few weeks now because the wife pays for everything.....

btw, another poster alluded to the touching of the hand when returning change as a flirtation of sorts. It could be in your situation , but mostly, its because it would be rude to throw anything to someone, or in this case to drop it. its not like back home when you can toss someone your keys, pen etc

Edited September 2, 2011 by CMSteve

[hehehoho]

They know your money will be going to her anyway, they're just speeding it up a little.

[SteeleJoe]

An old friend told me once in Thailand the man is the head of the elephant and the woman the tail. An elephant always walk forwards!! Think about it.

I agree to a large extent with you POV: if you don't speak Thai you will tend to be reliant on your Thai partner and thus ultimately in something of a subordinate position and treated as such, to a degree.

But I think you oversimplify regarding the "man's world" thing -- Thai women have a great deal of power here even if ostensibly the men are in charge. And in fact the saying is สามีเป็นช้างเท้าหน้า….ภรรยาเป็นช้างเท้าหลัง : Thai men are the forelegs of the elephant and women are the hind legs of the elephant. Rather different in meaning, in that it doesn't assign as an exalted a status as the head to men and also -- the forelegs may be in front an elephant can't walk without its hind legs (and that's often where more power comes from -- indeed an elephant can stand on it's read legs but not its front).