Ethical Question In A Relationship.

[mackes]

Could be many reasons why she is stealing the money... could be to help her family, to fund an addiction (gambling most likely), to repay loans, vet bills for buffalos, etc... whatever it is I am sure she is as upset about it as you... if you love her, tell her so and try talking to her... if you don't love her then end it, learn from it and move on...

I fully agree, she probaply trying to solve a problem that she don't want you to know about (because of embarrassment ?). Either she have to share the problem with you or you have to take control of your money.

[TommoPhysicist]

Q: Can you steal from a joint account?

A: Not if your name is one of the names on it.

(It might be morally wrong to take a lot of money out, but it sure isn't a crime)

PS

Looks like she lied to you about the hospital fees as well. Thais are treated free of charge.

You're devil's advocate... But you're right...

Re your PS. Is it free regardless what they go to a hospital for and how long they stay there?

Medical services are free for the region in which they reside according to their house book and ID card.

Medical services are free 'out of region' if referred by a doctor in their 'home region', usually for specialist work their local hospital can't handle.

While they might pay to go private for something like cancer treatment that their local hospital can't afford, or they wish to choose more expensive drugs, or pay extra for a private room, it is unlikely that treatment for a crushed or broken foot would have any hospital charge associated with it. In any case, an itemised receipt would be issued, so ask to see it.

[Shurup]

Could be many reasons why she is stealing the money... could be to help her family, to fund an addiction (gambling most likely), to repay loans, vet bills for buffalos, etc... whatever it is I am sure she is as upset about it as you... if you love her, tell her so and try talking to her... if you don't love her then end it, learn from it and move on...

I know it's her family, nor her or her family have any addictions, they don't have a buffalo. I think I know her family well enough as we spend a lot of time there. It's her devotion to her parents that make her do that I'm sure. I will talk to her again, I have time...

[maccaroni man]

my bet is the that you are right she has the money stashed in her own account, which means she is probably planning on doing a runner anyway. take what you want from her, cut her off and put your own running shoes on. "ciao baby c u wouldnt want to be u"

[HidyHo]

I'm not sure if I would be any different if I were rich but I wouldn't plan on signing up long term deal with someone who couldn't remember or account for how they spent 100K baht in two months. That's a lot of money to spend. If she did spend the money, that's just financially irresponsible behavior. If she didn't, then she ain't telling you the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Not to judge (I'm sure I am) but you share the blame for giving someone that level of financial "freedom" (and perhaps temptation) who's probably not have earned such trust. I remember doing similar thing myself when I was given few credit cards during and right after university at the age where I clearly couldn't handle the financial management.

I, personally, might have given her an access to an account where she had access to more limited fund (something equivalent or slightly better than her salary) that I can check and replenish through internet (if you are residing in another country). I would also ask for high level accounting of money spent (so much for rent,so much for RCA, Q-Bar, Bed, boy toy and etc.). IMHO, there is nothing wrong with budgeting ... most of us do it at some level. Most of my married friends are given budgets by their wives (back in US) and have to account for their spending!!!

[mackes]

my bet is the that you are right she has the money stashed in her own account, which means she is probably planning on doing a runner anyway. take what you want from her, cut her off and put your own running shoes on. "ciao baby c u wouldnt want to be u"

What cynical crap.

But I'm really interested in how this turn out!

[Shurup]

my bet is the that you are right she has the money stashed in her own account, which means she is probably planning on doing a runner anyway. take what you want from her, cut her off and put your own running shoes on. "ciao baby c u wouldnt want to be u"

I'm 100% certain she wasn't planning on running. Even IF (!!!) her feelings were fake and she only had a financial interest, I was too good of a catch to run from me. As I mentioned an age difference between us is only one year, we are in our early 30s, neither of us is ugly (actually I was told hundreds of times that I'm a hansum man khmm...), nither of us have kids. From what I've seen in Thailand, her other alternative would be either Thai or a Falang man a lot older than her and probably with a baggage from a previous relationship...

[Shurup]

I'm actually glad (to some degree) that it happened now and not a few years down the road.

If she confesses, I would be proud of her, if she doesn't (or if she takes a polygraph and fail) it means she didn't pass the relationship test so to speak and she couldn't be trusted.

[Geekfreaklover]

Close the cookie jar.

What I mean is make sure that the money/temptation is removed until you establish what's going on. If you can move money around online and cancel the credit card it may be a wise thing to do.

Personally I think that she has done what most people would have done under the circumstances. The only way that she will learn that there is a CONSEQUENCE to her actions is if you stop the accounts. She will learn the lesson and either 'fess up or become silent. It's up to you how you handle things form there,

[TommoPhysicist]

my bet is the that you are right she has the money stashed in her own account, which means she is probably planning on doing a runner anyway. take what you want from her, cut her off and put your own running shoes on. "ciao baby c u wouldnt want to be u"

I'm 100% certain she wasn't planning on running. Even IF (!!!) her feelings were fake and she only had a financial interest, I was too good of a catch to run from me. As I mentioned an age difference between us is only one year, we are in our early 30s, neither of us is ugly (actually I was told hundreds of times that I'm a hansum man khmm...), nither of us have kids. From what I've seen in Thailand, her other alternative would be either Thai or a Falang man a lot older than her and probably with a baggage from a previous relationship...

Most Thais don't really plan ahead in the way we do.

100k in her bank now will more than likely be seen as better than a possibility of 10M over the next 10 years.

Stealing and stashing cash is a really common behaviour pattern in Thai ladies.

She is also unlikely to place any value in your physical age or appearance, really get over yourself.

You aren't Thai or Korean, so not particularly desirable as a bed-partner.

Edited April 3, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[brewsterbudgen]

You're a couple. You're considering marriage. There's been some misunderstandings about money which can be expected in a cross-cultural relationship. Forget about polygraphs, that's ridiculous. Talk to her; sort it out; and trust each other.

Or break up.

[Shurup]

Close the cookie jar.

What I mean is make sure that the money/temptation is removed until you establish what's going on. If you can move money around online and cancel the credit card it may be a wise thing to do.

Personally I think that she has done what most people would have done under the circumstances. The only way that she will learn that there is a CONSEQUENCE to her actions is if you stop the accounts. She will learn the lesson and either 'fess up or become silent. It's up to you how you handle things form there,

Unfortunately I am not available until the end of the month and a bank book and everything else is with her. When I come back I won't have much time to do anything before departing to Canada. A CC I can cancel online but that's all I can do and there isn't as much money there as on the Thai account + all the things that are in her posession.

[TommoPhysicist]

Unfortunately I am not available until the end of the month and a bank book and everything else is with her. When I come back I won't have much time to do anything before departing to Canada. A CC I can cancel online but that's all I can do and there isn't as much money there as on the Thai account + all the things that are in her posession.

Now you have spoken about it to her, I would like to make a prediction ........ your joint account will be empty when you get here.

Please let me know the outcome.

[Shurup]

Most Thais don't really plan ahead in the way we do.

100k in her bank now will more than likely be seen as better than a possibility of 10M over the next 10 years.

Stealing and stashing cash is a really common behaviour pattern in Thai ladies.

She is also unlikely to place any value in your physical age or appearance, really get over yourself.

You aren't Thai or Korean, so not particularly desirable as a bed-partner.

Now that you've mentioned the Koreans, I've got to ask. Whas is a random nationality you picked or there is something going on between Thais and Koreans?

Asking because there was few Koreans in her English class in Canada. She became really friendly with one of them. I don't think anything happened between them (can't be 100% sure though) but I can tell that that guy's interest in her was going a little bit past just being friend. The guy left to go back to Korea so they only studied together for 3 months or so but they stayed in contact ever since. She did express the desire to go to Korea for "business" as she put it and to visit her relative who lives there married to a Korean. She wanted to go this month while I am at work and I didn't like that idea and didn't let her.

Now I'm wondering if Thais have any special feeling towards them...

[Shurup]

Now you have spoken about it to her, I would like to make a prediction ........ your joint account will be empty when you get here.

Please let me know the outcome.

I will... She promised to give everything back... Will see.

[Geekfreaklover]

Close the cookie jar.

What I mean is make sure that the money/temptation is removed until you establish what's going on. If you can move money around online and cancel the credit card it may be a wise thing to do.

Personally I think that she has done what most people would have done under the circumstances. The only way that she will learn that there is a CONSEQUENCE to her actions is if you stop the accounts. She will learn the lesson and either 'fess up or become silent. It's up to you how you handle things form there,

Unfortunately I am not available until the end of the month and a bank book and everything else is with her. When I come back I won't have much time to do anything before departing to Canada. A CC I can cancel online but that's all I can do and there isn't as much money there as on the Thai account + all the things that are in her posession.

First and foremost. Forget the BS about the lie detector test. Thai women can pass them.

Cosy up to her. Apologise. Cancel the CC. Sort out the Thai bank when you get here.

You must understand that she did nothing wrong. You were naive to provide the opportunity.

I met a Thai taxi driver a while back who had been working in Saudi. He sent back the money to his girlfriend. About one million baht. When he returned to Bangkok the money was gone and so was the girl.

It's not a Farang / Thai / young / old / ugly / handsome thing.

People tend to take what they can get.

[TommoPhysicist]

Now that you've mentioned the Koreans, I've got to ask. Whas is a random nationality you picked or there is something going on between Thais and Koreans?

Now I'm wondering if Thais have any special feeling towards them...

My Wife and 14yo daughter openly drool over Korean pop stars on Tv. The little guys that would look like pretty girls if they put a frock on.

Same for Thai soaps, small and feminine looking with slightly off-white skin and Asian features. Never seen them fancy a white guy, not Depp, DeCaprio or Pitt, doesn't turn them on. Same for all their friends and the other village girls and mums.

First choice for lover, small, girly looking Thai or Korean guys. Not so keen on Japanese or Chinese.

Us, body too big, nose too big, too hairy, too white, we just don't look attractive to them. Just from my observations.

But as they get older the girls eventually learn to take what they can get, and they do like the look of our wallets.

Edited April 3, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[mackes]

Now you have spoken about it to her, I would like to make a prediction ........ your joint account will be empty when you get here.

Please let me know the outcome.

This type of comments does not help OP, on the contrary it makes his worries even worse. Please hesitate from this kind of ego trips.

[Shurup]

My Wife and 14yo daughter openly drool over Korean pop stars on Tv. The little guys that would look like pretty girls if they put a frock on.

Same for Thai soaps, small and feminine looking with slightly off-white skin and Asian features. Never seen them fancy a white guy, not Depp, DeCaprio or Pitt, doesn't turn them on. Same for all their friends and the other village girls and mums.

First choice for lover, small, girly looking Thai or Korean guys. Not so keen on Japanese or Chinese.

Us, body too big, nose too big, too hairy, too white, we just don't look attractive to them. Just from my observations.

But as they get older the girls eventually learn to take what they can get, and they do like the look of our wallets.

I knew about the girly looking Thai guys, didn't know the Koreans fall in the same category.

So you're saying you're married to a Thai... How do you manage your finances if you don't mind me asking?

[TommoPhysicist]

So you're saying you're married to a Thai... How do you manage your finances if you don't mind me asking?

My secret is ...... no finances to manage!

I live on her farm and help out. What is grown is mostly bartered with other farmers.

I have a huge private pension of 10kbht a month (paid into a bank account in my name) that pays for whatever needs cash (not much).

Cooking bills, nothing, all done using wood I drag out of the forest.

All the sticky rice, corn and mangos we can eat ...... chickens and eggs for free.

I think not the same sort of problems as you have!

Looking forward to being 66, when the British government will give me an additional 20kbht a month state pension.

Edited April 3, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[rachit85]

I was not shocked reading ur post...i heard it often...Thai gals usually involve with farangs for money..since u have given her free hand so she dont think she has done anything wrong...u should not give her so much of freedom..This is thailand boss...understand the difference of culture..

Anyways if i were u i wud have concluded tht she mis-uses the money and does not deserve my respect and trust. Get back all ur stuff and money and then kick ker out..

Posted with Thaivisa App http://apps.thaivisa.com

[MAJIC]

Now that you've mentioned the Koreans, I've got to ask. Whas is a random nationality you picked or there is something going on between Thais and Koreans?

Now I'm wondering if Thais have any special feeling towards them...

My Wife and 14yo daughter openly drool over Korean pop stars on Tv. The little guys that would look like pretty girls if they put a frock on.

Same for Thai soaps, small and feminine looking with slightly off-white skin and Asian features. Never seen them fancy a white guy, not Depp, DeCaprio or Pitt, doesn't turn them on. Same for all their friends and the other village girls and mums.

First choice for lover, small, girly looking Thai or Korean guys. Not so keen on Japanese or Chinese.

Us, body too big, nose too big, too hairy, too white, we just don't look attractive to them. Just from my observations.

But as they get older the girls eventually learn to take what they can get, and they do like the look of our wallets.

A fat old brown wallet, is worth far more than, a slim young white skin any day.

[Daewoo]

I don't think it is entirely accurate that we aren't attractive to Thai girls, or that they ALL only see us as a walking wallet... they are also attracted to being treated well, looked after, cared for, and treated with love... physical attraction might not be at the top of the list...

WRT the OP... <deleted> you can't tell me that if your Canadian Wife was taking thousands of dollars out of your account, you would take her to task on it... you know what the household budget is, even if you don't tell your wife it is her budget... If more than that is being spent, you take her to task and make sure she doesn't repeat it...

Giving her a fixed budget is just giving her an excuse to scrimp in places to give her more money to send home or keep for herself...

Her knowing that you watch the money should be enough to stop her really taking the piss... her knowing that you are OK with helping her parents, as long as you know and that there are limits is reasonable...

Her acceptance of the polygraph idea is typical Thai 5 second forward planning... say she wants to do it now, discussion stops till at least you all get to Canada... then the polygraph might not happen... then the result might be inconclusive... then the outcome of you putting her on the plane might not happen, she might be able to lie/talk her way out of it... congratulations, yours actually is pretty good at forward planning...

Stop bullshitting to her and yourself... tell her that despite her denials, you know she has taking your joint money as her own... it isn't acceptable... ask to see her bankbook and ask her to transfer the money back to your joint account...

If you choose to continue with her after that, tell her what is acceptable use of joint money without discussion... and what she has to talk to you about first... anything to run the house acceptable... some small items for herself, acceptable... money to family, needs discussion... large purchases, needs discussion... no different to a normal Thai or Western wife...

Mate, if she is sitting in BKK or at home, for a month at a time without anything to occupy herself, she has a whole heap of things to spend money doing that you don't want...

Daewoo

[ShanePashen]

Shurup

I am deeply concerned for you after reading your post. I think in your heart you know you don't need a polygraph.

You need to act, & act quickly. My advice is this.

Do you have a best friend, or close family member you can speak frankly & openly with?

Someone who loves you, and has your best interests at heart.

Please recant all the exact details & facts to them, leaving out nothing, and listen without prejudice as to what their advice is.

I have a feeling that you may be quite shocked by their response.

Good luck mate, you need to move quickly with this.

[simple1]

i have friends who provided the TGF/wife with a living allowance, household expenses etc. In most cases the women will underspend the actual living allowance/household expenses etc and either send money to the family, spend on gambling or both. At the end of the day your partner will either mature for managing financial matters, have more respect for you or she will not. You know her, your judgement call. if you wish to carry on then as other people have suggested cancel the joint account immediately & set up a seperate account for her. I suggest proposing a polygraph test would have been deeply insulting to her which she will not forget even though (Thai style) she may have smiled and agreed.

Best of luck...

[simple1]

i have friends who provided the TGF/wife with a living allowance, household expenses etc. In most cases the women will underspend the actual living allowance/household expenses etc and either send money to the family, spend on gambling or both. At the end of the day your partner will either mature for managing financial matters, have more respect for you or she will not. You know her, your judgement call. if you wish to carry on then as other people have suggested cancel the joint account immediately & set up a seperate account for her. I suggest proposing a polygraph test would have been deeply insulting to her which she will not forget even though (Thai style) she may have smiled and agreed.

Best of luck...

Just remembered cancelling joint account will probably require two signatures

[2unique]

Shurup

I am deeply concerned for you after reading your post. I think in your heart you know you don't need a polygraph.

You need to act, & act quickly. My advice is this.

Do you have a best friend, or close family member you can speak frankly & openly with?

Someone who loves you, and has your best interests at heart.

Please recant all the exact details & facts to them, leaving out nothing, and listen without prejudice as to what their advice is.

I have a feeling that you may be quite shocked by their response.

Good luck mate, you need to move quickly with this.

Does this mean things didn't work out with the new gal? Genuinely interested as read all of your previous 2 topics.

Sent from Android please excuse errors in type or judgement

[chiang mai]

The problem is that you can't see that giving a (comparatively poor)Thai female instant and unfettered access to (comparative) wealth is not a problem and that you hadn't anticipated that things such as you've described might happen - the transition process from having little money to having a lot of money is not instant or easy and there's a number of stages, remember that said transition involves not just her but also her mother, father, sisters, brothers, aunt's etc etc. It took you and I many years of pain and mistakes to understand how to manage money properly, don't expect your partner to learn the same vistually overnight.

[2unique]

Shurup I have a lot of respect for you having read a few of your posts so I'm going to be overly harsh.

You're not quite a control freak but you do have issues and feelings of superiority possibly entitlement which reading between the lines you're mentally bullying this girl into compliance with your relationship sop.

Not giving her a budget appears to be more for your morality compass than for the good of the relationship and in some ways your posts show you have a relationship manual that is flawed and setting her up to fail. Almost as if you're not committed to the relationship but could be if she achieves 99% pass rate in negotiating the pitfalls that lead to being the ideal and perfect woman for Shurup. Latest polls are gonna show you're not perfect possibly not even perfect for her!

You stopped her working so that she could be available for you, no judgement but do you see where we come back to that sense of entitlement? What does she do but wait around for you on your month off? Set her a monthly amount in lieu of her missing salary and move on. The money has gone so play a better what if game...

What if she invested it to please you and gain your hard to win respect, got conned, chased the first 50k with another and is too embarrassed to say?

Involve her in setting the ground rules moving forward, assure her there is a forwards (she's probably living in fear/stress) and let her know when she's ready to talk you're willing to listen.

It's not a joint account, it's your account that she has access to and that's the problem. Sort out the financial ambiguity and forget the spy stuff.

If I had written that first post you'd think what a dramatic, wishy washy, controlling prick... and you'd be justified!

Sent from Android please excuse errors in type or judgement

[Shurup]

I don't think it is entirely accurate that we aren't attractive to Thai girls, or that they ALL only see us as a walking wallet... they are also attracted to being treated well, looked after, cared for, and treated with love... physical attraction might not be at the top of the list...

WRT the OP... <deleted> you can't tell me that if your Canadian Wife was taking thousands of dollars out of your account, you would take her to task on it... you know what the household budget is, even if you don't tell your wife it is her budget... If more than that is being spent, you take her to task and make sure she doesn't repeat it...

Giving her a fixed budget is just giving her an excuse to scrimp in places to give her more money to send home or keep for herself...

Her knowing that you watch the money should be enough to stop her really taking the piss... her knowing that you are OK with helping her parents, as long as you know and that there are limits is reasonable...

Her acceptance of the polygraph idea is typical Thai 5 second forward planning... say she wants to do it now, discussion stops till at least you all get to Canada... then the polygraph might not happen... then the result might be inconclusive... then the outcome of you putting her on the plane might not happen, she might be able to lie/talk her way out of it... congratulations, yours actually is pretty good at forward planning...

Stop bullshitting to her and yourself... tell her that despite her denials, you know she has taking your joint money as her own... it isn't acceptable... ask to see her bankbook and ask her to transfer the money back to your joint account...

If you choose to continue with her after that, tell her what is acceptable use of joint money without discussion... and what she has to talk to you about first... anything to run the house acceptable... some small items for herself, acceptable... money to family, needs discussion... large purchases, needs discussion... no different to a normal Thai or Western wife...

Mate, if she is sitting in BKK or at home, for a month at a time without anything to occupy herself, she has a whole heap of things to spend money doing that you don't want...

Daewoo

I agree with your first paragraph, she's pissing hot water about Jason Statham, few other Hollywood stars and some football players. But there's definetelly something with her about Koreans. I spend more time in a gym than doing anything else and not planning to become skinny the way she liked (she in fact doesn't like me bulking up but she loves it when I beat everyone in her village in armwrestling, go figure...)

She knew the rules, they were discussed numerous times, spending small amounts was acceptable, spending larger amounts were to be discussed, transfering to her own account wasn't accetpable. Seems like she's stinging me with this once in a while hoping that I would forget it after the initial responce, she has done it in Canada about 6 months ago - 3 $500 lump sums over the 3 month period beside a few smaller withdrawals/purchases. I let it go last time but I can't this time.

Didn't talk to her since we talked about polygraph and I am leaning more and more to the idea that I shouldn't take her to Canada with me this time. She's pretty sure she would go there though, she was on a FB last night and replied to her Jap female friend that she would meet her in Calgary soon.