Jokes - Enjoy

[Pormax]

A little boy comes home from school and tells his Dad that he has a part in the school play.

"What is the part" his Dad says.

The son replies "I am a man who is married for 25 years"

" Never mind" says his father, "maybe next time you will get a speaking part"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A teacher asks the class to name things that end in 'tor' and eats things.

The first little boy says 'Alligator'

"Very good" says the teacher, that is a big word"

The second little boy says "Predator"

"Again a very good word" says the teacher.

Then the third little boy puts up his hand.

"What word have you got for me?" asks the teacher.

The boy replies 'Vibrator'

Some what taken aback the teacher and nearly falling of her seat says

the teacher says "That is also a big word but it does not eat anything"

"Well" says the boy, "My sister has one and she says it is eating f**king batteries like no tommorow"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar and said to my mate

'That will be us in about 10 years'

He replied " You idiot that's a mirror"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

An Italian, Frenchman and Scotsman are all having a drink together and discussing screams of passion.

The Italian said

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil and then we made passionate love

and I made her scream for a whole 5 minutes".

The French man said

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with this very expensive aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate

loveand I made her scream for 15 minutes straight".

The Scotsman said

" Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special butter. I carressed her all over her entire body with this

butter then we made slow passionate love andafter she screamed for a whole two hours.

The Italian and Frenchman lookedat each other then the Itaian said

"That was phenomenal, how did you manage to make her scream for two hours?"

The Scotsman replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

An elderly man in Louisiana had a large farm for many years.

There was a large pond which was nicely shaped for swimming.

So he fixed it up with some nice picnic tables and chairs, added some horse shoe courts,

landscaped it and planted some apple and peach trees.

One evening he decided to take a stroll down to the pond to look it over as he hadn't done so for a while.

He grabbed a large bucket so that he could collect some fruit to bring back to the farmhouse.

As he neared the pond he could hear voices, laughing and shouts of glee.

As he got closer he could see it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He puposely made some noise as he got closer so that the ladies were aware of his approach

and they quickly scampered off to the deep end.

One of them shouted " We are not coming out until you leave"

The old man frowned then said " I didn't come down here to watch you swim naked or to get you out of the pond naked"

Holding the bucket up, he said " I just came down to feed the alligators"

Some old men can still think fast.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Reaction time for the elderly - click the link below.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction/time_version5.swf

Beware can come addictive