Getting Engaged - Giving Gold To Parent "normal"?

[pete66]

I am thinking of getting engaged to a Thai girl in Chiang Mai. We plan quite a long engagement (probably 3 years), and my gf says her mum wants 5 baht (gold) for the engagement.

So the hopefully simple question is whether the giving of an engagement gift to the parents of the girl is (a), normal, ( done sometimes, © never done?

She's a normal northern Thai girl from a midde-class Thai family.

Any experiences / knowledge welcome.

thx

[Phronesis]

Dear God....not ANOTHER sin sot thread...

[Phronesis]

Please tick the following boxes where applicable, provide two brief definitions, and then re post your thread.

• Are you a troll?
• Is she a virgin?
• Has she been married before?
• Does she have any children?
• How old is she?
• How old are you?
• Are you Thai?
• Why get engaged if a payment is required? Why not continue as BF and GF until marriage is deemed necessary or desirable?
• Why is the mother demanding a payment?
• What is your girlfriend's opinion of the demand for payment?
• Will you be living in Thailand (full time) with your girl after the engagement?
• In 20 words or less define "normal northern girl".
• In 20 words or less define "middle class Thai family".

Edited May 11, 2013 by Phronesis

[Morden]

I've never heard before of parents asking for gold for an engagement.

[petermik]

I've never heard before of parents asking for gold for an engagement.

But if they see what looks like a "dumb bufallo" wht not try and to Pete 66 sorry pal but I think you are going to have big problems with this girls family unless you put your foot down now

[transam]

Gold when marry. Then they sell it.

Not for being engaged. Nooooooooooooooooooooo.

But some folk will ''try it on'' to see how daft you are.

Edited May 11, 2013 by transam

[krisb]

Give em fool's gold. See if they can pick it.

[shaggy1969]

Alarm bells should be ringing in your head !!!!

What does your g/f say about her parents asking for gold?

[somtampet]

U are being scammed,and how can u have a relationship with parents like that,your life will be terrible if you join this family,like mother like daughter???????

[BoonToong]

Just asked my wife; she says she has heard of it but its not very common. She has heard of Thai/Thai doing it.

Personally, I would still try to resist it, or negotiate a much lower amount.

[farangme]

"Normal" Thai girl, normal scam.

Sent from my PC36100 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[farangme]

Unless you're getting married for visa purposes, why do it?

Sent from my PC36100 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[doggie888888]

I never knew the term "gold digger" could be so literal.

[shaggy1969]

Maybe this has all been a misunderstanding through miscommunication !!!

Maybe this was the 5 baht gold that the mother was talking about?

But if you really want to show you are a worthy future son in law,then maybe this would be more suitable.

To the OP,my apologies for making light of your situation,but IMHO the MIL's request is a joke.

Good luck with your predicament

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Just say no.

No to the gold.

No to the engagement.

No to the wedding.

Edited May 11, 2013 by AnotherOneAmerican

[Mario2008]

Not unheard of, but seems very old fashion. With stress on very.

[gearsau]

" Run Forest, Run " :-)

[brfsa2]

Quite normal, also money. the more you give, the more "appreciation" you give the bride and parents.

Just those things you have to do... unless your bride and her parents have a different mind set you may not have to do it.

But also, not giving money or gold, will "look bad" for her parents in their town. so, if you trully believe she is honest and worth it, then you just do it.

[thaicbr]

Quite normal, also money. the more you give, the more "appreciation" you give the bride and parents. 

Just those things you have to do... unless your bride and her parents have a different mind set you may not have to do it. 

But also, not giving money or gold, will "look bad" for her parents in their town. so, if you trully believe she is honest and worth it, then you just do it.

Normal for marriage not for engagement. And what's normal? Traditional? Culture?

If the girl is getting married to a foreign bf then cultures SHOULD merge. It goes both ways.

Sent from my i-mobile i-STYLE Q6

[stickylies]

no hope for the human race...

[brfsa2]

It's one of those things foreigners never get to understand... until one day...

It's really easy to look at it in the disgusted way, because back home, we don't do that. but that does not mean it's wrong. you just need to understand learn its motivations and why it is like that.

At first I was like <deleted>? I will never give money before marrying. after living for a while in very typical thai homes, I started to understand more... I've talked to very honest and good heart people, and they explained to me.

You giving money to her parents is way of providing trust and appreciation, not because they want to sell their daughter (but some do), but because you believe their parents are worth it.

Sometimes the money even comes back to you after a few years, they buy land or property for the couple. Once they have settled a trust.

Every marriage I have been witnessed in so many years living here it happens.

From 300,000 baht small poor families, up to 5 million baht for those quite rich people.

It's just the culture, if you are willing to marry a Thai woman, you have to understand and accept her country culture. The same goes for her when she moves to your country.

Edit:

I don't mean that there are no scams. It's true that because you are foreigner, they will expect a lot more money... But the same happens when a rich Thai guy marries a girl. One guy that I knew paid 4 million plus a lot of gold, just like that.

Edited May 12, 2013 by brfsa2

[connda]

Not unheard of, but seems very old fashion. With stress on very.

Hold your ground. You're a farang, not a Thai. Explain to mom that it's not Western custom to provide sin sot at all. So providing gold for engagement is out of the question, but you'll be willing to negotiate sin sot as you near the actually wedding date. Then see how your fiancee and family react. That will tell you a lot about your future with the family. If it gets too negative, walk away. That will be your future. If things can be worked out in harmony, that will be your future.

The cultural thing in a two-way street. Thai-Farang relationships don't work without everyone being willing to compromise. I'd also recommend getting the book Thailand Fever which is a book that compares and contrasts Thai and Western cultures. The book is written in Thai on one page and in English on the other. Read the book and insist on your TGF reading the book, then discuss. Have "Mom" read the book, then discuss.

If you and the family can not compromise, your relationship will fail. Use "compromise" as your criteria for remaining in the relation. And do not give "Mom" 5 baht of gold for an engagement. It's just out of the question.

The best of luck. I've been together with my wife for six year. It can be a roller-coaster, but it's a ride that can be ridden successfully ONLY if you both can compromise. The best of luck to you!

Edited May 12, 2013 by connda

[shaggy1969]

I think that it would be wise for the OP to talk with his g/f's mother about how much the mother will be wanting for the marriage sin sot?

I dread to think,if she is asking 5 baht gold for the engagement.....how much will she want for the wedding?

[richard_smith237]

The western concept of Engagement and Marraige blend in one in Thailand.

Traditionally couples can't live together unless married. It's probable that the future in-laws see this as a wedding, that is how they will justify their daughter living with a guy to all around them.

Thus 5 baht of gold is not abnormal, just don't get hung up on the engagement word, you are probably getting married in the eyes of those Thais around you.

[finnomick1]

If she hasn't been married before, give gold at the wedding, and then negotiate the amount ( down ). If you decide to give gold at the engagement, do not be surprised if they ask for a lot more at the wedding. This is simply a case of your girlfriend getting as much for her family out of you as possible -- albeit in a nice way. And if your engagement doesn't last the course and end up in marriage, don't expect to get a refund !

[asdecas]

Frankly, if you ask for an opinion on any matter related to Thai culture here, you will receive some answers so widely varied, and others so insulting, abusive and downright irrelevant, that it's difficult to see the point of asking in the first place.

[Nowhereman60]

Now you know how her mother became middle class. Tell her your mother would also like 5 baht of gold for the engagement.

[Morakot]

We plan quite a long engagement (probably 3 years)

Just like Richard said, it is understood as a part of getting married. This normally happens within days. So what the family is asking is a kind of Sinsot as you are making a commitment.

Best of luck for the future and many congratulations!

Edited May 12, 2013 by Morakot

[elgordo38]

If you pay now it will only be the beginning. The family will keep pushing for more. After you pay the engagment will more than likely evaporate. I am living now with my 3rd Thai lady. I set the rules from the very beginning (learned this at a cost) I give her a living allowance weekly and she sends money to the parents out of this monthly. She is a jewel. They are out there but hard to find.

[PaulHamon]

don't purchase your wife from their family. don't pay anything.