Golf Jokes

[chuckd]

Here's a new one I haven't run across before:

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A good friend decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening,

after the honeymoon, he was getting his golf clubs and gear ready for the next day's round.

His wife was standing there watching him. After a long

period of silence she finally spoke.

"Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married I think it's time

you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell the golf clubs."

Tim got a horrified look on his face.

"Darling, what's wrong?" his wife asked.

"Whoa! For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screamed. "I didn't know you'd been married before!"

"I wasn't."

[chuckd]

Am I the only one that thinks golf can be funny?

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Golfer's love story

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years,

but always for a good reason."

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Beth asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?

Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

[Teddy1]

A man walks into a golf shop and says to the guy behind the counter.."do you do trade ins on a new set of clubs"

the guy say's.."sure..i'll have to take a look at em"

the man says.."can ya swim"

[Robby nz]

Friend who plays that silly game sent me this :

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland , UK :

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT

2.. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP

4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG,

LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY

IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS

ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,

GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

[Boycie]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here, huh?'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy -'Dark in here, huh?'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.

The boy says, 'I can't Dad. I sold my ball and sand wedge.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here, huh?'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now!'

[Boycie]

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, . . . . . . . . You've built a Golf Course?"

[Boycie]

The Old Golfer

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: 60 Baht

HAMBURGER: 100 Baht

CHEESEBURGER: 120 Baht

CHICKEN SANDWICH: 130 Baht

HAND JOB: 500 Baht

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real <deleted> good because I want a cheeseburger.”

[Boycie]

Poor Bob works hard at the office but spends Friday night each week having a game of pool and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my pool league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Leo

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Leo?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Leo at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

[lorus59]

Arnold Palmer invites Rory McIlroy to come and play with him on the golf course that Palmer played as a boy. Rory hits his tee-shot at the first to the left of the fairway and is blocked from going for the green by some vary tall trees. He says to Arnold "I think my only option is to play back in to the fairway." Arnold says "Rory, when I was your age I'd be able to get that ball on the green." McIlroy not wanting to be seen as inferior to Palmer takes aim, hits a big branch and deflects into a river. He turns to Palmer and says "There is no way you could have gotten over those trees." Palmer says. "When I was your age those trees were only 4 feet high."

[Robby nz]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

[Robby nz]

Try not to be guilty of this.

[Boycie]

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.

[Robby nz]

Not a joke, sent from a friend and if it has been on this page before I apologise.

British Golf Rules in 1940
And, you thought you were a tough weather golfer.
The notice below was posted adjusting rules at a golf club in Britain in 1940.
You have to admit --- these guys really had to like the game to play!

German aircraft from Norway would fly on missions to attack northern England ... Because of the icy weather conditions, the barrels of their guns had a small dab of wax in the muzzle to protect them from clogging with ice.
In addition to attacking industrial or other targets close to golf courses, as they crossed the coast, they would clear their guns by firing a few rounds at the golf courses.
Golfers were urged to take cover.

[Robby nz]

Who says women pro golfers are at a disadvantage to men?

Michelle Wie - Pro Golfer.

Matching lavender outfit worth $2000.

New pair of French sunglasses worth $500.

NIKE products Endorsements worth $10,000,000.

And that handy gadget to hold your putter ..........

Priceless!!!

[chuckd]

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for

many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts

her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset

that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting

at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been

here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I

was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind

me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room

had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading

‘50 Shades of Grey’.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So... Here I am!