A tramp walks into a jewellers, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehol_e. The sales assistant shouts at him 'Stop what you're doing and get out!' The tramp says 'You want to make your fuc_king minds up, you've a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort.'

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life."

An old man goes the pharmacy to buy some Viagra.

"Can I have 6 tablets, cut into quarters?"

"I can cut them for you." Said Dan the pharmacist. "But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."

"I'm 96 years old." said the old man. "I don't want an erection."

"I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers."

Tony Baker of Hamilton N.Z. writes:

A hallway in my house needed more light so I decided to install one of those lights activated by movement.

So off I went to the lighting shop and told the helpful assistant that I needed 'a motion detector for my back passage'.

There was a pause and then she cracked up........... pmpl

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time. The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day. Boy says 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'

Bloke shagging his girlfriend says 'Bend over we'll try the social security position.' ' What the hel_l is that ?' she says.

‘When my balls touch your arse you're getting the full benefit'

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?

The wife

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, ' How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your fuc_king mates with you'

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

I'm quite worried what the kids are up to lately. Today saw a small girl imitating the doggy position with her Barbie and Ken dolls,

I said ' you will have baby dolls if you do that' she said 'It's OK he's doing it up her arse'

McVities have honoured Lewis Hamilton by putting a picture of him and his F1 car on their new range of chocolate biscuits ' Wogon Wheels' will be on sale soon in all well known supermarkets.

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?' Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't fuc_k about at the crematorium .’

A friend of mine says he is shagging twins, I asked ' How can you tell the difference?' He said ' Her brother has got a moustache ?

Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted ‘He's behind you !'

Bored on your way to work? On the bus, tube or train? Pretend you are on the phone, talk about your 4 week holiday in Mexico. Hang up and then sneeze.

Well yes....I'm in favour of larger pints. Will they come in larger pint glasses?

Regards.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs …… enough times till her husband says……

”Are you wearing crutchless knickers?”

“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.

“Thank Christ for that……. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite.”

And Pajamas !!!

Man walks into a Chinese Restaurant and after looking at the menu says to the waiter,

" How do you prepare your chicken " ?

Waiter replies............

" We honest here, nothing special, we just tell them they're going to die ".

That's a very funny joke!

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

The post regarding lesbian muslims and subsequent replies have been removed from this topic.

Not PC jokes fine, knock yourselves out. However:

Posts that appear to be thinly disguised as jokes, however come accross as just plain inflamatory, racially hateful and clearly violating ThaiVisa rule:

7) Not to post slurs or degrading comments directed towards any group on the basis of race, nationality, religion, gender or sexual orientation.

should not be posted as other members might find them highly offensive.

Please use your common sense and discretion whe posting in this topic.

Thank-you.

Please use your common sense and discretion whe posting in this topic.

Common sense? Bedlam??

Mind you, I agree with the deletion of those posts - derogarory remarks about cricket are just not the thing, are they

Common sense? Bedlam??

Oxymoron, I think its called.

Nope

That's the proper name for a "mad cow".............( that or darling )

Man walks into a Chinese Restaurant and after looking at the menu says to the waiter,

" How do you prepare your chicken " ?

Waiter replies............

" We honest here, nothing special, we just tell them they're going to die ".

arf!

Please use your common sense and discretion whe posting in this topic.

Common sense? Bedlam??

Mind you, I agree with the deletion of those posts - derogarory remarks about cricket are just not the thing, are they

Please use your common sense and discretion whe posting in this topic.

Common sense? Bedlam??

Mind you, I agree with the deletion of those posts - derogarory remarks about cricket are just not the thing, are they

Especially not with the way England, New Zealand and Australia played in the 20-20 series.

CB

Please use your common sense and discretion when posting in this topic.

common sense can only be used by those who possess common sense

'And the same applies to humour,

Regards.

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Harry.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Harry replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'

Little Harry returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.

'Why'? asks the father.

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3', so I said 6', replies Harry.

'But that's right' says his father.

'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2'

'What's the fuc_kin' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said' replied Harry.

Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we aregoing to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'

Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.

Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,

'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Harry replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

Little Harry answered, 'No, he just minded his own fuc_kin' business.

Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we aregoing to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'

Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.

Would this have been funnier if he said 'Fell-a-tio'?

Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which Murphy replies, "You thick idjit - if they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuc_kin' boat!!!"

When Farrah Fawcett died and arrived at heaven's door, God granted her one wish:

"I wish that all the little children will be safe in this world," she said.

So God gave Wacko Jacko a heart attack.

When Farrah Fawcett died and arrived at heaven's door, God granted her one wish:

"I wish that all the little children will be safe in this world," she said.

So God gave Wacko Jacko a heart attack.

Regards.

What's the difference between Manchester United and Mickey Jackson

United wiil play Giggs next year,,,,,,,,,