I have sent this to some aussie members.These are jokes by an aussie comedian called Rodney Rude, he has this very nasal voice & weird appearance.Enjoy.

A suicide bomber runs

> into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30

> seconds to get out!'

> The tortoise at the back

> of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'

>

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> Why are women like

> clouds?

> Eventually

> they <deleted>*k off and its a really nice

> day

>

> ------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> Whats the difference

> between light and hard?

> You can sleep with a

> light on.

>

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> A man walks into a

> petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat

> Chunky?'

> The lady behind the till

> gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

>

> 'No,' says the

> man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'

>

>

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

>

> My wife, being unhappy

> with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so

> she could monitor my mood.

> We discovered that, when

> I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad

> mood, it leaves a big <deleted>*king big red mark on her

> forehead.

>

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> I was at an ATM money

> machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her

> balance.

> So I pushed her over.

>

>

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> Zebo, a half blind five

> year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to

> school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels

> and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and

> we'll send you the video, it's <deleted>*king

> hilarious....

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> I had a dog named Minton

> who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.

>

> Bad minton.

>

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> Two

> men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law

> is an angel'. The reply from his friend.......

> 'You're so <deleted>*king lucky...

> Mine's still

> alive...'

>

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> A man goes into a

> library and asks for a book on suicide.

> The librarian says;

> '<deleted>*k off, you won't bring it back.'

>

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> 2 Men in a pub and one

> is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10

> minutes.

> 'Geeeeez mate,

> that was impressive!'

> 'I get lots of

> practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wife's an

> epileptic'

>

>

Reckon this will relate to most in TV, hims and hers inc ....... hehe

Guy at the Docs.

Too fat, I haven't put on a pound in years.

Doc: You have Bedroom Furniture Disease.

<deleted>, never heard of that.

Doc: Quite simply, your chest slipped into your drawers

After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole bottle of Listerine.

As he arrived at the Dentist he also ate a whole packet of extra strong mints.

His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair.

Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.

The Dentist got close and asked “So, you had a 69 before you came here huh?"

Brian exasperated asked “How did you know? Does my breath still smell like pussy?”

The Dentist replied “ No…you have a skidmark on your forehead………..”

I have sent this to some aussie members.These are jokes by an aussie comedian called Rodney Rude, he has this very nasal voice & weird appearance.Enjoy.

A suicide bomber runs

> into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30

> seconds to get out!'

> The tortoise at the back

> of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'

>

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> Why are women like

> clouds?

> Eventually

> they <deleted>*k off and its a really nice

> day

>

> ------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> Whats the difference

> between light and hard?

> You can sleep with a

> light on.

>

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> A man walks into a

> petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat

> Chunky?'

> The lady behind the till

> gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

>

> 'No,' says the

> man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'

>

>

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

>

> My wife, being unhappy

> with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so

> she could monitor my mood.

> We discovered that, when

> I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad

> mood, it leaves a big <deleted>*king big red mark on her

> forehead.

>

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> I was at an ATM money

> machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her

> balance.

> So I pushed her over.

>

>

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> Zebo, a half blind five

> year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to

> school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels

> and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and

> we'll send you the video, it's <deleted>*king

> hilarious....

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> I had a dog named Minton

> who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.

>

> Bad minton.

>

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> Two

> men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law

> is an angel'. The reply from his friend.......

> 'You're so <deleted>*king lucky...

> Mine's still

> alive...'

>

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> A man goes into a

> library and asks for a book on suicide.

> The librarian says;

> '<deleted>*k off, you won't bring it back.'

>

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> 2 Men in a pub and one

> is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10

> minutes.

> 'Geeeeez mate,

> that was impressive!'

> 'I get lots of

> practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wife's an

> epileptic'

>

>

Very good short ones!

Two horis doing scrubcutting, took their axes into the bush.

Three weeks later they came out with 'circular' sores'.

_{(Hori, non PC name for maoris.)}

A chap down on his luck decides to join the French Foreign Legion. He trecks for days through the desert until he finally comes to the fort and signs up.

That evening, he was just adjusting to the new barracks when a bell rang repeatedly and all the legionaires stopped what they were doing and rushed out of the barracks, across the compound, and scaled the wall to the camel enclosure.

There was a sergeant standing in the compound watching this, so the new recruit went and asked the sarge what was happening.

"When the bell rings, it's the signal that the men are allowed to have sex with the camels".

"WHAT!" says the new chap. "Why do they have sex with the camels?"

"There's no women for 200 miles and a camel is better than nothing", says the sarge.

"Mmmm, oooookaaaay," says new guy doubtfully, "But whats the big rush, there's more camels than men, so they'll all get one?"

Sarge replies, "You wouldn't want to get an ugly one, would you!?"

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having her tonsils out."

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Zpete is obviously too young for this kind of humour.

Regards.

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0&²uŽfϦ٪bÎlŽ¡Ü«ŒG©ÏŽäÀ Seh·ëµØŸ´J°÷­ç$40=€'}CòUÆÀÐ4€þ©¸ ¤¤ð"µ¿_.©ÏŽãÀ SeÒÓ«º©ÏŽæÀ Seå]‹ñ&„EìGŸ_eRÉêËøů[wH„gªŒDúLÊZ IsVBR4DeviceConformanceTemplateL2 [email protected]/WMADRCPeakReference£c4WM/WMADRCAverageReference›tÔßÊ E¤ºš«Ë–ªèo

Don't stress Pete. Windows 5.1 comes on sale next week in NZ.

Well, the ships only call in every 6 months, you know, when they get blown off course.

Well, the ships only call in every 6 months, you know, when they get blown off course.

After Ockor pirates plunder them.

Hey Pete - you must have received the edited version - the good stuff is further down

0&²uŽfϦ٪bÎlŽ¡Ü«ŒG©ÏŽäÀ Seh·ëµØŸ´J°÷­ç$40=€'}CòUÆÀÐ4€þ©¸ ¤¤ð”µ¿_.©ÏŽãÀ SeÒÓ«º©ÏŽæÀ Seå]‹ñ&„EìGŸ_eRÉêËøů[wH„gªŒDúLÊZ IsVBR4DeviceConformanceTemplateL2 [email protected]/WMADRCPeakReference£c4WM/WMADRCAverageReference›tÔßÊ E¤ºš«Ë–ªèoË¥ærÆ2Cƒ™©iR[ZX}Á}ÁgË¥ærÆ2Cƒ™©iR[Z„H⸠H⸠'/TåêùÈK‚7ktäĸP”½Æ†Iƒ£Çy!·3­ ÞªÙ|œO¼(…Uݘâ¢&@¤ÐÒãÒ—ð É^¨P¤WMFSDKVersion10.00.00.3646WMFSDKNeeded0.0.0.0000 IsVBR@Rц1У¤ ÉHööARц1У¤ ÉHöWindows Media Audio 9.1* 32 kbps, 32 kHz, stereo (A/V) 1-pass CBRaWindows Media Video V7WMV1‘Ü··©ÏŽæÀ Ser@žiøM[Ϩý€_\D+PÍÿaÏ‹²ª´â œãa} ˆ‘Ü··©ÏŽæÀ SeÀï¼M[Ϩý€_\D+Wû U[Ϩý€_\D+3@ð((@ðWMV1Îuø{FÑ‚`—É¢²&ÿ†ñ 3&²uŽfϦ٪bÎlB www.humoron.com6&²uŽfϦ٪bÎl2'·ëµØŸ´J°÷­ç$4À‚];‚ =¸ ! ÚX4¬^âáâŸè#¥µ‹?¥ ?e¦pA{ ’$1pÁGxŠ‹Q Ú±—Š÷=d)f"ÁÓ6¿:™ÀâUÓ…(솾¿â¶Á¿4üêØÙ‚WLñ·ß(ƒa1@x!N¶ò$#†p·žï }¤Äå ¦Ð‡–h“dLâBxDK#qs l$ïQ£)Dˆoˆ¡Ì@8¶y3ƒû6Š.©¨O*b” ú b»=ñùvm"ª"Y;øÎXŸÇÅ ^p]Ÿl¹Q—õÀ¬(±q5Qp<ÔÓuÄÞäy)쟄iëgáŠáëK228dŠZh ïà/Æ •¸ Ú0sLдºá[ŸÕׯ©Gž¡ƒÈ3§Àø ùLb¾œ#–d $àx׋O9‹ò;,sÍ ö@(¢fGÖ²{Py¬ŸmÃþå¹:£À0²ÝQ0–-ŸêVÂQ‡ ;‚R cà'åÆÔ#Án„U¿d„û1:Š`¹!ðF?­èg`øóÆHŽº $ f…¥å±¡WBųþGàIØ@Iêð‘¹~0bãr±°”¥±‘“?n¢ž»¡-Ñ| ƒ“$üh9 èfF»uœÊ1G$A·áso'¼CÇÁ¢­×ýµêˆA”î©‹OW„sF˜2Æ@:#20ºQ„ÕÚþÅoY™x0œ¸q§Í²Ãbh£KGÊ[ºòpoðÄ'ê@OD†£»¨AK+4Ђ‰Å¿‚Ææ€Ë‚ 6/ kì¿ôº„ÿßæ›Ö‚ zùOxZ´·®mÀr\‚1ù‡š1ÌÄM˜>0^@b't}!-·D€]`Zh-½Á„ í÷L Ÿ5õ…%ésîZk£=­òdVÓ(‡JþÃñoU=¢ T!`àÑ1¤ŒÈ·ÞÇ”yЧ/}ÁÄ2WžêŸåjØŸ7øú³ÿ j!6ض0$S¼M†Â7ž‚‚£˜@}æŒ-ƒ S„Ÿ2=ÖD±²5 °^@Iˆ'‰g ôØkpÓPam¡ßÑD‰êcûáPG¥„Ñ»ÖÀK>i=ؽ®1Î28+* JMhdž›¢3ŪÕj´1Ðî º ­`1Ÿ¥³ÿ…T…®®ynbSÍ(Ý6UíˆA¼Ž^­ÌÕvø¯#: Àð)k÷–Œ"­t"ì¥"ÓÐÃDú*Ù¤~Ÿ§‡`¢0 +f€¾dÄÅdõ¦º ©³”;j/»6OI¶74Mà[¤¶»ÍZ ®|Ð%]lÓARjÂ…ôž‡<ÁÙ)æ^™*èeAž³¿ny4×'ŸÐâËb ."S† vØÌñ#ŸQcÜTgxŽT ¸ŒÌˆN}ˆ-Èbµ`jë îbcæsf%>~Ë؆fB|ÍEiZ ÆDÇAáËxv‰”‚„4(T­©…ìãˆÎ¬ØÆz9=¨ ÿ2ÓÖΰg Ô> ‰ Wwt@¬Q?ž®R ÇìAœƒbÒ* .A4EIá>fºV½[ÅÕô_Y߸t#î0ÆøžŠ‹÷‘…ƒðÍ‹Aš³co¹ƒOøÀH§Hp£*…g´Îö$0VjA ΢ ä™ÆÃ¨àžŠ÷Añ¡‚];;‚‚ =¸ !´â¾âh¼&Ð t0ÏÁµ°AŠÍ(awpšZox5±çÿóYSÈ»;™^ƒøF:»Ð}ňGásÇ((‚Zx|ÌBÈ›1¢~Œíížô~c ChM È ~,`³F`ó±¡}hÓ!P ĶkˆÆk4‚{Él²Àˆí½‹´CA@eQlÕtxY…Š;6Ì^;]¸}*Ÿ'ìÕ‡xDÀ,¶È¶€õÅ1ZÃv2À1Ÿ²Ü<™Ì3`ÚRÆK°¼œ‰ ÜCsÑ>Rq£Áøý3“þ\ ;$öJ0›á]G.¤Ÿ´B£…Þ˜´GÀf”¨Av‰?vøŽëÀà`r4+@Ðôœ“@ÃBpw f¹§0áÞ¹´àg÷¢1ÞîÅp`•>AÏ„cC¶ËIlÔ3·vàSXž!>û=Ôp€~wŽ{ýü̽¨à­m]ÛZŸât£ÌzwÄ3^²Í¢YwÆgXxï”&ιð£"-P؇1ѨHÂÙúaëE:8ÄlÕI±ÇìaÊUtF% þ±@òö\€V‡Ò,ÜŠ‚¹‚QíøqíY4´qˆ€tÚFñÝçÌ}JúŽß ¤jkCù¿ýV)•V<“ÆÇÅW¶7 `Œ÷äÓÁNn_)l'0´–h‘Òe DÊ„BäæSTâ“q2Y­Ï¡pwÈ%‘bŽ~9ëÉ‚¬ÌZüãŽ!£¥,À–s©r ®[')ð{ÁÛL2; oA€}( < ga†kèÑC zã+ଋ’ÀoiÀ#h*Ü(ú&Èòbó=~A™ó l¨ÿ .fz‡ÃkoPf`M)ï¬øÆyRFmo )¬kÂE#¨2‡€]2mÜEjÑj@1³b žeÝR ¥ïagÅÇ´hr:ïRƧâÿ—\K®É²à âS§@ë²rFLFÓ’{òCÅcüf)–÷5„la¿%Èá©G¬ [9f–ß‘†q^´/£ï£âqÇï 1óAæ‰CÛ‰†^a?üßVI° ÁcLã-!1 Þ+ƒâ¼Žó•Ž›fצ‡+õ ª ®`ì8ºá}AoœdƒÑ>Á0g­ŠÙ™ÏBˆ.ÿolEH=¤gXF5%4æ0Á¾«ˆKX„>¬bÍh·®pSÿ*!߬$BúÞ ¾‚ª ôìº.«ÄøÝpã\žÁmû ¡£ˆ ÈqïbêºñÇçÛZ1Ÿ#Úc…!õá…PŸš½!¼êƒ òóàCdú‡ŒX9ë”Ïùýæ–†±äÊTÏ1Q˜-ö/4<* `šð¨ú\DÑädP°É{G8Á’b«ê>"üaô…Ž1ú'¿f¸šÆØá’åÿþ¶˜L”Lù|ÚÒ¤t¼‚0D ÈSÍé(–ËóÐüT†¨·^¢˜:ÞÏ™þ[8Á=7¹ƒœ¸`$èJJFHùá´Ã74‚‘b1…8!ÑøªŒKšoÁ ¶r~ ¸Ê k¤ ;·óø°¹Šz!‚'ŽFALîøL 4§GÊ8Ôöçµ-› ;e¢%Ê/ØañýóIÖ†–1ÒY"pÌ–±Ü Ä2‰€ñ³×³ê&à‘9£ê­)`ïHIöÐ’ü×ÉGÍ“´÷1+Æpª v/²d à“qkÏr×WÒT‡õgÄ3îi ®‡·_õ;‘ò E$‰T“T-[qÂë@öøc+Ÿàg)›I€š%ÈØ þøµ=Q¦vïЄƒ‘ªðf¿¶š‚]w;‚ =¸ !fh”îA&ìÂP¦YlKQ sóÏŠ–ýv¹GBL!y{æl¬bÂØD›ëm¨`AáPq¤F=Ò$ F…%¸ø0pJpK¹Âá驇¢Ý"­ƒµ§ö¢('ç ùåÅ#íÌÈþÂ@•#¤MÑIr)t…L¨+žÝ³q2d2Â-\<bKUÍoYçUCÀnLž

Bob went to a doctor and asked him if he ever laughed at a patient.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me.

On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

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Don't stress Pete. Windows 5.1 comes on sale next week in NZ.

Cool! I can get rid of DOS 6.1

FBI i allready had a suspicion that this topic something has to do with the size of...

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Don't stress Pete. Windows 5.1 comes on sale next week in NZ.

Cool! I can get rid of DOS 6.1

Dunno about Windows 5.1, but........

WordPerfect 5.1 was the bestest ever wordprocessor.

Wrote a simplified manual, I was bored.

Kid's local school ran out 1500 copies......LOL

I was chuffed.

NOW, wot I really came in to post......

Drinking with Connolly's daughter

A Zimbabwean, a Nigerian, and Connolly's daughter are in the same bar.

When the Zimbabwean finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Zimbabwe, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Nigerian, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Nigeria, we have so much stolen money to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

Connolly's daughter, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Zimbabwean and the Nigerian. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In the U.K. we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

' Gotta love England'

Who IS Connolly? Billy?

[/font]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 A.M. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 A.M. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up Finally, at 5:00 A.M. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.

"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other.."

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hel_l did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench

under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years

old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my

age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants .

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'

'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.

'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'

Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'

'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would You? Would You?'

The assistant said: 'Well, no.'

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.

'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?'

'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'

'Well no, I definately wouldn't' conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'

The assistant replied: 'Because you're in f***ing Homebase'

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.'The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him 'Juan.'Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he also suffered from bad breath.

This made him

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A woman goes into hospital for a fanny tuck.

On waking up there's 3 bunches of flowers on her bedside cabinet.

One from the Consultant for a successful operation.

One from her Husband to say he loves her.

And one from Bert, a Firefighter in the burns unit for the new ears.....