A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines

enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures

outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

18. Recheck makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake

Why do kamikazie pilots wear helmets.?

INSTRUCTIONS

Anaesthetize your wife, put her in a large carton (with ventilation

holes of course), and send the carton to the person who is at the top of

your list.

Soon your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive

823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5 Miss World

finalists, 25 models, 463 minor porn stars, 3,234 reader's wives, 20,198

who enjoy football as well and 40,198 bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited,

and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off.

And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of

those that come back to you.

Why do kamikazie pilots wear helmets.?

Well firstly for warmth as they did fly at great heights and secondly for radio useage as the radio transmitters and receivers were installed in the helmets.

Or is this not what you meant?

pedant.

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

pedant.

Why do kamikazie pilots wear helmets.?

Well firstly for warmth as they did fly at great heights and secondly for radio useage as the radio transmitters and receivers were installed in the helmets.

Or is this not what you meant?

Quite wrong there, suegha.

The radio transmitters and receivers were installed in the dash of the aircraft. There was a cable connected to the radio transmitters and receivers which in turn was connected to the headphones and microphone that were built into the helmet.

Pedant

Why do kamikazie pilots wear helmets.?

Well firstly for warmth as they did fly at great heights and secondly for radio useage as the radio transmitters and receivers were installed in the helmets.

Or is this not what you meant?

Quite wrong there, suegha.

The radio transmitters and receivers were installed in the dash of the aircraft. There was a cable connected to the radio transmitters and receivers which in turn was connected to the headphones and microphone that were built into the helmet.

Well that's what I meant without gong into the detail - they still had to wear the helmets though!

Actually it's an " Instrument Panel" not a dashboard

Actually it's an " Instrument Panel" not a dashboard

Oh really?

Try this.

:D :D

How do you get 2 1/2 to 3 million downloads of a photo of an aircraft dashboard (sorry, instrument panel).

It's a kinky old world out there.

How do you get 2 1/2 to 3 million downloads of a photo of an aircraft dashboard (sorry, instrument panel).

It's a kinky old world out there.

It's 3,385,305 bytes not 3,385,305 bites.

How do you get 2 1/2 to 3 million downloads of a photo of an aircraft dashboard (sorry, instrument panel).

It's a kinky old world out there.

It's 3,385,305 bytes not 3,385,305 bites.

Sorry, I'm used to looking at mucky movies and check the big figures as number of downloads, not sze of file.

So .... no downloads?

I got this new deodorant today.

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can hardly walk!!!!

.. But whenever I fart, the room smells awesome!

Paddy is walking along Beach road in Pattaya one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-night.

"How much do you charge?", asks Paddy

Su replies, "It starts at 500 Baht for a hand-job."

Paddy says, "500 Baht for a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

With a saucy flick of her eyelashes, Su says, "Do you see that Su Restaurant on the corner?"

Yes."

"Do you see the next Su’s about another block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see the third Su's, just by the side of the old cinema?"

"Yes."

"Well," says Su, smiling invitingly, "I own those.

And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth 500 Baht."

Paddy then exclaims, "What the hel_l? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to the nearby Marriott Hotel.

A short time later, Paddy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 Baht.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000 Baht?"

Su replies, "2000 Baht."

I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

Su then says, while signalling Paddy to come closer to her.

"Come closer to this window, big boy. Do you see that bank just across the junction to Walking Street ?

I own that bank outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every Satang of 2000 Baht !"

And poor Paddy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off his intended new mobile phone and says, "Give it to me !!!"

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

Paddy can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into what else he may have left with him for one more glorious and unforgettable experience.

He then asks Su, "How much for some pussy?"

Su replies, "Come over here to this other window, I want to show you something.

Do you see how the whole city of Pattaya is laid out before us ..... all those beautiful lights, banks .... corporate offices ..... business houses ..... and big-&-small shops and places?"

"Wowwww !!" Paddy shouts out in awe, "Your own the whole city??"

"No," Su replies, "but I would if I had a pussy!

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland stream in Scotland.

The gamekeeper spots him and shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, it's foo o' coo's <deleted> n pish.'

The man replies, 'my good fellow, I'm English.... repeat that in English.'

The gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'

Is it to early to post jokes about the Haiti earthquake, or should I wait till the dust settles?

In a Biology test one of the questions asked me to name 2 things you'd find in a cell. Apparently giving the answer scousers and blacks is incorrect

In a Biology test one of the questions asked me to name 2 things you'd find in a cell. Apparently giving the answer scousers and blacks is incorrect

No, no, no.

It is not incorrect.

It is politically incorrect.

Whole different thing.

Woman picks up the phone...............

" Hello mum it's me "

"What's up son I sent you to B&Q with your father"

" yes but I got arrested and they've given me one phone call"

Hysterical Mother....... " You've been arrested !!! "

" Don't shout mum, It was dad's fault"

"What do you mean, it was dad's fault ? "

" Well I walked up to this huge West indian woman and smashed her in the face"

" YOU DID WHAT"

" Keep your hair on mum, I told you it was dad's fault......... It was him who told me to go and find a Black&Decker "

A blonde drops off a dress at the cleaners.

The Asian lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again".

The Blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch"

What do you call a blond with two brain cells..........Pregnant..

Is it to early to post jokes about the Haiti earthquake, or should I wait till the dust settles?

Last time I had thirty Aftershocks I woke up and couldn't find my fcukin' house either.

Is it to early to post jokes about the Haiti earthquake, or should I wait till the dust settles?

Last time I had thirty Aftershocks I woke up and couldn't find my fcukin' house either.

Survival Tip: When you see a large, zigzag shaped crevasse moving rapidly toward your home, step either to the left or the right.

Just got scammed outta $25!

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My favorite 18 holes".

Turns out it's about golf.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed too

A white guy was at the urinal in a pub. Standing beside him was a big black guy.

The white guy looks over and down, and says, "Why is it that black guys have such long penises?"

The black guy, thinking to have a bit of fun, replies, "We're not born this way, we make them big."

"How, please tell me." says Whitey.

"Well, man, you tie a 5 pound brick to it for 3 months."

2 months later, the pair happened to meet again in the same pub.

"Hey," say Whitey, "That tip you gave me was great! Thanks alot."

The black guy was suprised of course, "What do you mean? What happened?

"Well, I'm halfway there....it's turned black already."