Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

An Irishman is walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

"Twenty quid," she whispers.

Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides - what the hel_l, it's only twenty quid. So he joins her in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"'What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to me wife," the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know"

"Well, needer did I," says Paddy, "til ya shoined dat light in her face!!"

What to do if seated next to a jerk on an airplane...‏

1. Take out your laptop.

2. Slowly open your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4.. Make certain your neighbor is watching.

5. Open your Internet browser.

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them, and then look up to the sky, or the heavens, if you will.

7. Breathe deeply and open the following site: http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html _

8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.

Classic!

Excellent.

It is an oldie, but goodie

It would be classic, but where can you use it?

Train, suburban bus?

Ya need a WiFi to connect.

Could be fun in a Coffee lounge.

No way have I been able to download it to run from my laptop.

SUMMUN TELL ME PLEASE.......HOW?

Old joke that came up last night:

News Presenter: "Breaking news! An RUC (police in Northern Ireland) land-rover has crashed into a tree and 4 RUC officers were injured. The IRA say they planted the tree"

Irish news Presenter: "Breaking news! A Cesna has crashed into the Dublin Cemetary. Rescuers have recovered 74 bodies already."

It is an actual law in Fiji that people living within a 5 kilometre radius of a cemetary can not be buried there. Fact.

But once they're dead, it's ok.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast.

Now they are able to photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, 'bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'

*Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first

time.

The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to

wait until next pay day"

the boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'*

* Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last

night.

They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves. *

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?

The wife. *

*Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a

slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f****ing mates with you'*

*I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I

felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.*

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?' *

Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?'

LittleTommy says ' Yes, they don't <deleted> about at the crematorium.' *

A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said ' How can you

tell the difference?' He said ' Her brother has got a moustache". *

Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show his

wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth' *

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals

descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'*

Pakistani gentleman stopped by a traffic cop when driving his van...........

Sir, did you not see the sign ? The limit in this area is seventy.........

Driver turns round and says........

lads did you hear that, four of you are going to have to walk.

How does an Atheist have an orgasm??

OH….OH….OH..............I’m……….not yet convinced of your existence.

I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on.

At least she's honest.

Excellent!

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its

employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians

and Therapists, etc., and in this case a new Urologist for me.

My family Doctor just recently referred me to a "just out of medical

school" female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead

gorgeous... as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said,

"Because I'm trying to examine you......"

The mother of the 5 year old from Oldham, England taken hostage in Pakistain has made an emotional appeal on the BBC .......................

Can someone cover his shift in the shop this weekend?!

I feel sorry for the people of Chile. It's bad enough losing your home and loved ones. But to find out all the best earthquake jokes were used up on the Haitians must be devastating!!!!!

UPDATE

The Government has just announced a rethink on the kidnapping of Sahil Saeed of Oldham, and decided to pay the ransom on the condition that the kdnappers keep him.

A Government spokesman said "It is a long term investment and the money saved on dole, housing benefit and prison costs in the future make it a massive saving to the taxpayer"

UPDATE

The Government has just announced a rethink on the kidnapping of Sahil Saeed of Oldham, and decided to pay the ransom on the condition that the kdnappers keep him.

A Government spokesman said "It is a long term investment and the money saved on dole, housing benefit and prison costs in the future make it a massive saving to the taxpayer"

As the father is unemployed and, therefore, assumed to be claiming benefits, surely it would be a good idea for him to stay in Pakistan, searching for his son for the next decade, or more.

Two birds with one stone.

Bubba and Clyde decide to have a day of Deer hunting.

Bubba trips over a log and his gun discharges, hitting Clyde, who falls to the ground, apparently not breathing.

A horrified Bubba uses his Mobile and calls 911 in a panic – however the trained 911 Operator is the model of calm:

“Please try to cool down sir, we have a procedure for this type of situation - first we have to make sure your friend is really dead”

“OK” says Bubba – “hold on”.

There is a short pause, then the sound of another gunshot.

Bubba comes back on the line – “OK, now what?”

Patrick

UPDATE

The Government has just announced a rethink on the kidnapping of Sahil Saeed of Oldham, and decided to pay the ransom on the condition that the kdnappers keep him.

A Government spokesman said "It is a long term investment and the money saved on dole, housing benefit and prison costs in the future make it a massive saving to the taxpayer"

As the father is unemployed and, therefore, assumed to be claiming benefits, surely it would be a good idea for him to stay in Pakistan, searching for his son for the next decade, or more.

Two birds with one stone.

or as the new statement goes

' Knobbing 2 birds with 1 Jonny '

Paddy goes to the doctors with a bad back...

Doctor asks, "How did you do it?"

Paddy replies "having sex doggy style."

Doctor says, "try having sex the normal way.

Paddy says, "I have but the dog keeps licking my face."

This one was new to me, cracked me up no end, so funny......PMPL.

(Found it in "That otherPlace".)

Oh my word!

An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine

Traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him.

The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at

close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.

A state wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun..

After he shot at them, SWAT team officers open fired and hit the guy 68 times.

Now here's the kicker.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they shot the

guy 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:

Talk about an all-time classic answer.

'Because that's all the ammunition we had.'

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874

and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realise that their brains could also be important ...

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874

and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realise that their brains could also be important ...

SHOULDN'T THAT BE IN THE 'AUSTRALIA' THREAD?

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874

and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realise that their brains could also be important ...

Post this in "Outside the Box" ???

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT fuc_kING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"