Subject: Dancing

A Policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat black fellah, is dancing on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to use the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says

"Zulu..... Tango..... Sierra"

Bugger it

Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world".

Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.

..............

My wife thinks our son is at that age when he's going to start asking for expensive designer clothes.

Calvin Klein, Hugo Boss, Fred Perry, Tommy Hilfiger.

Luckily, I know he's a gullible <deleted> and buy him clothes from 'Mat Alan'.

..................

On a long, boring train journey from London to Edinburgh, I decided to crack open some beers and read my magazines.

To my surprise, the police boarded at the next stop and arrested me.

"I thought it was OK to have a drink on the train", I said to the cop.

He replied, "Yeah it is, just not when you're driving it."

............

A woman has two hands, one mouth, one pair of tits, one arse, one pussy, and one pair of feet. That is seven different ways to pleasure a man, but there is no way seven average-sized men could fit at once.

Snow white however lived with seven dwarves.

Coincidence? I think not.

..............

I am naive, the lads in the pub were saying how good a blowjob is.

I didn't know what a blowjob was so I just agreed so as not to look daft. Later on at home I asked the girl I was seeing if she knew.

'Do you know what a blowjob is?'

She got up and walked out of the room, which was upsetting as she was sucking my dick at the time.

...................

Some people are so ignorant and narrow minded. Not all Muslims are terrorists you know.

Some are taxi drivers.

.....................

I don't consider them as one night stands, they're auditions.

......................

I walked into the hairdressers today.

The guy said, "Can I help you sir?"

I said, "I'm after a short cut".

Then I walked through the shop and went out of the fire exit.

This was sent to me as a true Australian Bundy Rum Fishing Story!

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum) is a strong rum that is produced in Queensland ! Another famous product of Australia is the King Brown - one of the deadliest snakes on earth.

Put the two together and you get the following story told by an Australian fisherman

who swears that It is the honest truth!

This is the story he tells:

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,

I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Bundy rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident

and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

S'truth, I tell ya.

Two men from Newfoundland were waiting at the bus stop in Toronto when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of lawn turf.

Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery".

“What's dat den?” asks Mikey.

“I’m gonna send me lawn away to be cut." said Jimmy.

This was sent to me as a true Australian Bundy Rum Fishing Story!

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum) is a strong rum that is produced in Queensland ! Another famous product of Australia is the King Brown - one of the deadliest snakes on earth.

Put the two together and you get the following story told by an Australian fisherman

who swears that It is the honest truth!

This is the story he tells:

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,

I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Bundy rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident

and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

S'truth, I tell ya.

Pete - you, being a Kiwi, probably believe all that these Aussies tell you.

We in the British Isles, however, not only don't trust 'em an inch (after all most of them are descended from Brits), but we beat 'em again at rugby yesterday. Well done, Munster!!

(For the pedants amongst us - British Isles includes Ireland. Great Britain excludes Ireland - all of it)

Pete - you, being a Kiwi, probably believe all that these Aussies tell you.

We in the British Isles, however, not only don't trust 'em an inch (after all most of them are descended from Brits), but we beat 'em again at rugby yesterday. Well done, Munster!!

(For the pedants amongst us - British Isles includes Ireland. Great Britain excludes Ireland - all of it)

Yeah, was great to see.

.....and Munster followed suit.

Wunnaful results.

BTW,

Having lived in OZ for 9 years, I am well aware of Ockor failings, speshully when it comes to dinky di truths.

Royal press officer, "The happy couple are now ready to answer questions from members of the British press".

Daily Mail "Where did you propose"? .................reply "Kenya"

The Times "Where will you be married"?................reply "Westminster Abbey"

The Guardian "Will you still serve with the RAF"?.....reply "Of course"

Daily Express "Were you nervous when you proposed"?...reply "Naturally"

Daily Sport "Does she take it up the arse"?.................

.................

Daily Mirror: Wayne Rooney loses half a stone in America.

No suprise really, clambering on top of prostitutes takes a lot more effort over there.

......................

The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hel_l of a salesman.

.....................

Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding a tenner in your black suit today.

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPEd could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPEd and are staying on will receive as much SH!T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SH!T they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH!T, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SH!T you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a

box of chocolates, and a half bottle of Scotch.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now!!!!!!!

They say that marriage is like a deck of cards, in the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you'll wish you had a <deleted> club and a spade.....

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie Drs. wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

Zpete, i admire your "courage". CHAPEAU! :jap:

On my birthday, I get a blowjob.

On our anniversary, I get a blowjob.

On valentine's day, I get a blowjob.

At xmas, I get a blowjob.

So at every major celebratory occasion, I get a blowjob.

I flop my cock out at the mother-in-law's funeral and all of a sudden I'm insensitive.

Found in my Inbox today

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried

those little jonny jokes are some of the best

Plus 1 Greeny

Just for Boater.

Teacher asks the class to tell her what bird their mummy reminds them of and why.

Little Mary pipes up "My mummy reminds me of a swan"

"And why does she remind you of a swan?"

"Because she is so serene and beautiful"

"Very good Mary, now Fiona how about you?"

"Well my mummy reminds me of a dove"

"And why is that Fiona?"

Because she is so peaceful and quiet"

"Very good Fiona" Little Jonny is bouncing up and down waving his hand so she reluctantly says "Ok Jonny, and what bird does your mummy remind you of then?"

"My mum reminds me of a frush"

"A thrush Jonny, a thrush. So why does your mummy remind you of a thrush?"

"Cos she's an irritating little <deleted>"

Just for Boater.

Teacher asks the class to tell her what bird their mummy reminds them of and why.

Little Mary pipes up "My mummy reminds me of a swan"

"And why does she remind you of a swan?"

"Because she is so serene and beautiful"

"Very good Mary, now Fiona how about you?"

"Well my mummy reminds me of a dove"

"And why is that Fiona?"

Because she is so peaceful and quiet"

"Very good Fiona" Little Jonny is bouncing up and down waving his hand so she reluctantly says "Ok Jonny, and what bird does your mummy remind you of then?"

"My mum reminds me of a frush"

"A thrush Jonny, a thrush. So why does your mummy remind you of a thrush?"

"Cos she's an irritating little <deleted>"

:lol:

The Brits have all the fun!‏

Extracts from letters written to local UK councils:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off..

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off..

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more

Do they want their asses wiped too?

Lazy lotta buggas.....<deleted>

Ask councils to instal BUMGUNS

A man went to see a urologist and told him he was having a problem maintaining an erection.

The doctor checked him out and told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his todger.

The man thought about it for a while.

The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the ok to try out his newly renovated equipment.

He planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.

In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure he unzipped and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said :

"That was incredible ! Can you do that again ?"

With tears in his eyes he replied :

"I think so - but I'm not sure if I can fit another bread roll up my arse !!"

It happened in an Underground station in London.

There were protesters on the concourse handing out pamphlets on the evils of Britain .

An elderly woman was getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the woman's shoulder (as a gesture of friendship?) and in a very soft voice said, 'Madam, don't you care about the children of Iraq ?'

The elderly woman looked up at her and said, 'My dear, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea and my grandson in Afghanistan . All three died so you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your arse and open it.'

God Bless Old Women.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's get the Bastards”. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies “just in case”.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from “baaa” to “BAAAA”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend”, and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

So I went to Wal-Mart and saw that they had Obama Christmas Tree ornaments....

Now ain't that something???

Suddenly it's OK to hang a black man from a tree again??????????

The Banking Crisis simply explained...just so....

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day....

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died..'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at two pounds apiece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

BT :jap:

I flunked my Biology exam last Friday...

I was asked to name two things

commonly found in cells.

Apparently, 'Aboriginals' and 'Boat People'

were not the correct answers.

Dammit...I thought I'd nailed that one!!!

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,

Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's

Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

I had to have a blood transfusion the other day.

All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Paki blood.

It's not as bad as it sounds...

I now have a 12 inch cock, and I am top of the housing list.

The other night I said to my wife, let's play Chilean miners.

She said, "So do you want me to go down your shaft until I reach the bottom?"

I said no, just <deleted> off for 4 months.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.

I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.