This is an anecdote explaining the manner in which my way of life was rotated along a Y axis until it reached a position roughly 180 degrees from that which it started. If I could have 60 seconds of your time, simply place your posterior in the selected location, and I will relate to you the details of how I was made the male monarch of the district of the City of Los Angeles, California located at coordinates 34.08333 -118.44778.

In the western region of the “City of Brotherly Love” known as Philadelphia, my mother expelled me from her womb and indeed that is also where I spent my childhood, in my mother’s care. The majority of my time was spent in a recreational area containing such diversions as a jungle gym, swing set, sand box, etc. I was typically at the height of leisure while frequently at a temperature slightly below what might be considered standard room temperature. Outside of my educational institution I was engaging in a game of basketball with some of my peers, when two gentlemen who seemed to be of the disposition to cause a great deal of mischief began causing a great deal of chaos and disharmony in the area in which I lived. I was involved in one rather small bout of fisticuffs after which my mother became concerned for my general safety and well-being, and she informed me that I would be moving in with her sister and her sister’s husband in the previously mentioned community located at the previously mentioned location.

I implored my mother to relent approximately 24-48 hours ago, yet she gathered my belongings in a somewhat flat, rectangular shaped piece of luggage and expelled me from her presence. She placed her lips upon my cheek in an affectionate manner and handed me a pre-purchased pass for public transportation. I placed the headphones for my personal music system into my ears and verbalized the idea that I may as well impact this situation with my foot. Traveling in the highest available level of comfort, this is indeed an unfortunate situation (although I make this statement with some irony). Consuming the juices obtained by the squeezing of the fruit of a Citrus sinensis from a piece of glass stemware commonly reserved for the sipping of sparkling wine originating from the Champagne region of France, I pause to wonder if this is indeed how the residents of the admittedly upper-class neighborhood located at the previously mentioned location commonly live. Indeed, I find this situation may be rather to my enjoyment.

I puckered my lips and exhaled forcefully to produce a shrill note in order to gain the attention of a taxicab driver, and as the driver approached I observed his California vanity plate which, in place of the traditional jumble of alpha-numeric characters, used only the letters F, R, E, S, and H, spelling out the word “fresh”. Additionally, from his rear view mirror dangled a pair of oversized, fur-covered cubes decorated to look like the six-sided dice commonly used in gambling and board games. In such a situation I could have made a statement about the unusualness of this particular taxicab to the point of it being nearly unique. Instead I cogitatively decided against it and instead informed the driver that he should deliver me to what was to become my new home in the community located at the previously mentioned location.

We pulled up to a large domicile sometime between the hours of 7 and 8 o’clock a.m., and in a loud tone of voice I informed the cab driver that at some undetermined point in the future I would again detect his odour through my sense of olfaction. I gazed about the region of land that I was destined to rule, reflecting on my arrival: Here I would claim my rightful place upon the throne, from which I would govern the previously mentioned community of Bel-Air as monarch.

Ok, not so short.

Could you repeat that joke......I missed the first hour of it

Could you repeat that joke......I missed the first hour of it

Joke? What joke?

dam_n - I missed all of it!

Could you repeat that joke......I missed the first hour of it

Joke? What joke?

dam_n - I missed all of it!

.....took one glance and frightened off.

Could you repeat that joke......I missed the first hour of it

Joke? What joke?

dam_n - I missed all of it!

.....took one glance and frightened off.

me too

Spooky..............The joke that never was.........Do do dee do do do ( X-files tune doh !! )

Spooky..............The joke that never was.........Do do dee do do do ( X-files tune doh !! )

What's Pink and Hard?

The FT Crossword

opps , maybe he has been reading this thread for ideas !

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1337095/Katie-Price-refuse-apology-Frankie-Boyles-sexual-slur-disabled-son-Harvey.html

I was looking out of the window just now and saw a guy wearing a Man U shirt get run over by a car. I could't help but think to myself "That could have been me".......................................

............................... I can drive a car.

About 2 AM a policeman pulls over a vehicle slowly weaving down the road.

An elderly man is at the wheel and the policeman asks him where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a detailed and lengthy lecture about alcohol abuse and the deleterious effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks, (in a voice dripping with sarcasm)

"Really? Whom, may I ask, is delivering this detailed and lengthy lecture at this hour of the night?"

The man replies,

"My wife."

Nelson At Trafalgar 2010

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "dam_n it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... kiss me, Hardy."

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!" <BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break">

BBC News: UK to ban Koran protest pastor.

He should have known this would happen, you can't offend a Muslim state and then expect to be welcomed.

BBC News: UK to ban Koran protest pastor.

He should have known this would happen, you can't offend a Muslim state and then expect to be welcomed.

Totally agree,.................. jokes the place for this ( and sadly the whole bloody country )

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose.

Full.

(I'll get my coat now )

This is an anecdote explaining the manner in which my way of life was rotated along a Y axis until it reached a position roughly 180 degrees from that which it started. If I could have 60 seconds of your time, simply place your posterior in the selected location, and I will relate to you the details of how I was made the male monarch of the district of the City of Los Angeles, California located at coordinates 34.08333 -118.44778.

In the western region of the "City of Brotherly Love" known as Philadelphia, my mother expelled me from her womb and indeed that is also where I spent my childhood, in my mother's care. The majority of my time was spent in a recreational area containing such diversions as a jungle gym, swing set, sand box, etc. I was typically at the height of leisure while frequently at a temperature slightly below what might be considered standard room temperature. Outside of my educational institution I was engaging in a game of basketball with some of my peers, when two gentlemen who seemed to be of the disposition to cause a great deal of mischief began causing a great deal of chaos and disharmony in the area in which I lived. I was involved in one rather small bout of fisticuffs after which my mother became concerned for my general safety and well-being, and she informed me that I would be moving in with her sister and her sister's husband in the previously mentioned community located at the previously mentioned location.

I implored my mother to relent approximately 24-48 hours ago, yet she gathered my belongings in a somewhat flat, rectangular shaped piece of luggage and expelled me from her presence. She placed her lips upon my cheek in an affectionate manner and handed me a pre-purchased pass for public transportation. I placed the headphones for my personal music system into my ears and verbalized the idea that I may as well impact this situation with my foot. Traveling in the highest available level of comfort, this is indeed an unfortunate situation (although I make this statement with some irony). Consuming the juices obtained by the squeezing of the fruit of a Citrus sinensis from a piece of glass stemware commonly reserved for the sipping of sparkling wine originating from the Champagne region of France, I pause to wonder if this is indeed how the residents of the admittedly upper-class neighborhood located at the previously mentioned location commonly live. Indeed, I find this situation may be rather to my enjoyment.

I puckered my lips and exhaled forcefully to produce a shrill note in order to gain the attention of a taxicab driver, and as the driver approached I observed his California vanity plate which, in place of the traditional jumble of alpha-numeric characters, used only the letters F, R, E, S, and H, spelling out the word "fresh". Additionally, from his rear view mirror dangled a pair of oversized, fur-covered cubes decorated to look like the six-sided dice commonly used in gambling and board games. In such a situation I could have made a statement about the unusualness of this particular taxicab to the point of it being nearly unique. Instead I cogitatively decided against it and instead informed the driver that he should deliver me to what was to become my new home in the community located at the previously mentioned location.

We pulled up to a large domicile sometime between the hours of 7 and 8 o'clock a.m., and in a loud tone of voice I informed the cab driver that at some undetermined point in the future I would again detect his odour through my sense of olfaction. I gazed about the region of land that I was destined to rule, reflecting on my arrival: Here I would claim my rightful place upon the throne, from which I would govern the previously mentioned community of Bel-Air as monarch.

Ok, not so short.

In other words........

Now, this is the story all about how

My life got flipped-turned upside down

And I'd like to take a minute

Just sit right there

I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

In west Philadelphia born and raised

On the playground was where I spent most of my days

Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool

And all shootin some b-ball outside of school

When a couple of guys

Who were up to no good

Startin making trouble in my neighborhood

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared

She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'

I begged and pleaded with her day after day

But she packed my suite case and sent me on my way

She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket.

I put my walkman on and said, 'I might as well kick it'.

First class, yo this is bad

Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass.

Is this what the people of Bel-Air living like?

Hmmmmm this might be alright.

But wait, I hear the prissy, booze, whine, all that

Is this the type of place that they should send this cool cat?

I don't think so

I'll see when I get there

I hope they're prepared for the prince of Bel-Air

Well uh, the plane landed and when I came out

There was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out

I ain't trying to get arrested yet.

I just got here!

I sprang with the quickness, like lightening disappeared

I whistled for a cab and when it came near

The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror

If anything I can say is that this cab was rare

But I thought 'Man forget it' - 'Yo home to Bel Air'

I pulled up to the house about seven or eight

And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'

I looked to my kingdom

I was finally there

To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

Another flat balloon full of hot air.

I thought this was sort but good ones, not "short but good most of the time but longwinded the rest of the time". Where oh where has all that great un-pc, black, bad taste humor gone that we all love so much.......

I thought this was sort but good ones, not "short but good most of the time but longwinded the rest of the time". Where oh where has all that great un-pc, black, bad taste humor gone that we all love so much.......

Absolutely, old chap.

Let me check my archives.

The Age Gap

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

(By the way - my apologies if I've posted this already - getting forgetful.)

Kate Middleton, the first person to squeeze into Diana's ring, since Dodi Al Fayed...

Advice for Kate Middleton - If you get divorced make sure you wear a seatbelt...

Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says "Every time I suck William's knob I get indigestion", the Queen says "Have you tried Andrews?"...

I'll get my coat...

Brought the missus some crotch less knickers yesterday... It had nothing to do with a sexual nature, it was so she could get a better grip on her broomstick...

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBO beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove...

Ginger bloke goes to the docs about a rash on his &lt;deleted&gt;.

The doc says "How often do you have sex?"

He says "Once or twice a year!"

The doc say "That's not a rash mate, its RUST"

Another flat balloon full of hot air.

If the balloon is flat, how can it be full of any sort of air?

If Americans are unable to distinguish between a Muslim insurgent and allied forces in Iraq and Afghanistan, then I think the South Koreans are probably better off without them on their side in the forthcoming war.

...........................

North Korea has a space programme.

But it isn't as good as Star Trek

......................................

I was working in my local Waitrose the other day when a black man walked past me in scruffy clothing. I thought to myself ''what the fuc_k is that filthy nigger doing in a place like this?''. Then it hit me.

Must've been thinking out loud again.

.....................

I see a Muslim group is putting up posters saying 'Christmas is evil!"

Allah humbug!?

........................

My blonde girl friend and I were sat in the terminal at Heathrow, our flight had been canceled due to heavy snow. She says, "Why don't they just build the runways with a roof on?"

She has a lovely pair of tits though.

.....................

''Hey, I've got some great Irish jokes'' said a new arrival in the pub. ''Before you start'' said the big bloke in the corner- ''Im Irish.''

''Don't worry'' said the newcomer, ''I'll tell them slowly.''

..................

Some of the best golfing slang...

An Adolf - taking two shots in a bunker.

An Arthur Scargill - great strike but a poor result.

A Rodney King - over-clubbed.

An O.J. Simpson - shouldn't have, but got away with it.

A Condom - safe but didn't feel right.

An elephant's a**ehole - it's high and it stinks.

A sister-in-law - I'm up there, but I know that I shouldn't be.

A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner.

A Gerry Adams - a provisional.

A Dennis Wise - nasty little five footer.

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read.

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't.

A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems.

A gynaecologist's assistant - just shaves the hole.

Does your husband play? for when a man hits a short tee shot.

A Cuban - needs one more revolution.

A Brazillian - hits the narrow stip down the middle.

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim.

A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water.

A Marylin Monroe - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie").

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver.

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver.

A Michael Jackson - fading away.

An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result.

A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it.

A Tony Blair - too much spin.

A Bin Laden - driven out and never to be found again.

A Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't.

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think were thickos from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent.

Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners.

I completely disagree with the thoughtless language used during pornography nowadays. Women shouting "fuc_k" and "shit" all over the shop.

I mean come on, there are children watching.

....................................

My friend sent my a link to this website where you would "rate a dick" out of ten.

After hours of rating, I thought I would click on the top rated dick with over 10'000 10/10's.

It was not what I had expected. It was not a big black cock, or a funny looking flaccid penis, it was just some guy, in a suit;

sitting there....

with his iPad

.......................................................

Brunnette: 'You wanna come to my New Years Eve party?'

Blonde: 'Sure, when?'

....................................

I was in the shop waving my hands at the shopkeeper, then I picked up some wine and signaled to him.

He said, "Are you being served?"

I said, "No, Last of the summer wine, but good guess.

I was walking down the street and saw a cannibal crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter?" I asked him

He pointed to a pile of crap beside him and said "I've just dumped my girlfriend"