THIS IS GREAT!!

A mother and her young son were flying British Airways from Heathrow to Chicago.

The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because B.A. always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."

Went round my mate's house earlier to meet the new baby. She asked if I would like to wind it.

I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

"When you domesticate a pet and own it for ages," I said, "letting them back into the wild is dangerous.

They won't be able to fend for themselves and they'll probably starve to death."

"That's true enough," replied my black history tutor "but what's that got to do with decolinization of Africa?"

...................................

3 dead in second Japanese quake.

Sequels are never better than the original.

...........................

How do you stop a nigger comming to your house ?

Paint "KKK meeting" on the door

How do you stop a paki comming to your house ?

Paint "Pigs for sales" on the door

How do you stop a paddy or scot comming to your house?

Paint "Alcohol free zone" on your house

How do you stop a jew comming to your house?

Paint "We have no money" on your door

How do you stop a pikey comming to your house?

paint "This house had no metal in it whatsoever" on your door

How do you stop an african comming to your house?

Paint "No AIDS allowed" on your door... maybe bar up the windows as well

How do you stop a chav comming to your house?

Paint "U aint wntd in da house, init brov" on your door ... definitely bar up windows as well

How do you stop the police questioning all the things you have painted on your door?

Deny all knowedge and argue with the police whilst a family member removes the door

How do you stop the police questioning the fact you no longer have a front door?

Tell them some scottish ginger nigger chav pikey jew with aids stole it.

BBC News: Gaddafi 'launching cluster bombs'.

Rebel forces to retaliate with Honey nut missile.

........................

Sky News: "Downs Syndrome couple have baby with learning difficulties".

I guess it is true. "Two mongs don't make a right".

.................................

In France the police are now taking action against people caught in public wearing a burqa.

So far they've arrested 4 muslims and seven letterboxes.

.....................

Just saw an add on Facebook "Call India for $0.0147"

Yeah, or i could call for free on Orange's support line

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from school two hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked his mother.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

The press are really excited about the royal wedding and dubbing Kate Middleton the new Diana, which is ironic as it's because of the press we need a new Diana....

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director

started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,

"It’s red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope,

matured in steel containers."

"That’s correct", said the boss.

Another glass.

"It’s red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak

barrels."

"Correct."

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.

And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!"

A couple of Oiyrish jokes. Apologies if they've already been posted but I'm not going back through all the posts to find out..

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand ... clutches his chest ... and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother ... the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks ... 'Oh ... me boys ... someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet ... be gentle ... don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet? ... I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers ... and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares ... 'Your husband just lost $500 ... and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!' ... says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy ... looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling ... his nose is broken ... his face is cut ... and bruised ... and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean ... the bartender.

'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean ... 'He couldn't do that to you ... he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy ... 'a shovel is what he had ... and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean ... 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy ... 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast ... and a thing of beauty it was ... but useless in a fight.' <BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break">

I was sat next to a Downs kid in A&E today. I turned to his mum, and said, "What's he been up to?"

She removed the towel covering his hand, and said, "He's managed to get his hand stuck in a jar of vinegar."

I said, "That reminds me, I need a jar of pickled cabbage."

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.

"Drink it" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull.

Chang !....

Subject: History Lesson

Q: So why did the English wear red coats in battle?

A: A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters and the French general began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that's the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

And a couple more Irish jokes..

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and ... of course ... his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver ... 'where have ya been?'

'Why ... I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop ... 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop ... standing straight ... and folding his arms across his chest ... 'that a few intersections back ... your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh ... thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there ... I thought I'd gone deaf.'

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service ... and she's in tears.

He says ... 'So what's bothering you ... Mary my dear?'

She says ... 'Oh, Father ... I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says ... 'Oh, Mary ... that's terrible. Tell me ... Mary ... did he have any last requests?'

She says ... 'That he did ... Father.'

The priest says ... 'What did he ask ... Mary?'

She says ... 'He said ... Please Mary ... put down that dam_n gun ... '

AND THE BEST FOR LAST ...

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church ... enters a confessional booth ... sits down ... but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention ... but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally ... the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles ... 'Ain't no use knockin ... there's no paper on this side either.

PMPLMDO

There was a little girl and her mother walking

through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The

little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing??"

The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Umm. they are making cakes".

The next day they are at the zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks the mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?"

Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

Because I licked the Icing off the sofa

President Bush tried and failed.

President Clinton tried and failed.

President Obama tried and succeeded.

The moral of this is...

If you want someone dead, hire a black man.

PMPLMDO

There was a little girl and her mother walking

through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The

little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing??"

The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Umm. they are making cakes".

The next day they are at the zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks the mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?"

Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

Because I licked the Icing off the sofa

That is revolting!

Just for that the white shirts will hammer the black shirts off the park at the World Cup.

I came home late last night and the missus said, "Where the fuc_k have you been?"

I said, "I went to that brothel in silom and had sex with two gorgeous Thai Teens. But things got a bit rough and they didn't appreciate being slapped about a bit. Their mamason threw me out and told me I was barred"

She said, "You fuc_king what?!"

I said, "I know ... total over reaction. I'll have to go somewhere else now

Osama in Heaven after getting nailed by SEALS.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates.

There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" says Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans` liberty, so they gave you death!"

Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!"

He drops a large weight on Osama`s knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...What the hell did you think I said?

THE ITALIAN LOVER

A virile Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young, blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless..

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion...

The sex finally ends and again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, “NO.”

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian!”

A good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Prime Minister Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the Sydney Opera House in front of a huge crowd.

T

he Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her, "Take that bitch!"

Since the death of Bin Hiding, the muslims in Burnley and Blackburn have gone on the rampage killing anyone they can find who is English

Police fear the death toll could rise as high as two...........

Since the death of Bin Hiding, the muslims in Burnley and Blackburn have gone on the rampage killing anyone they can find who is English

Police fear the death toll could rise as high as two...........

Yeah - since Alan Shearer left t'Rovers the place has gone to pot.

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London ..

....which used to have gallows adjacent.

Prisoners were taken to the gallows

(after a fair trial of course) to be hung.

The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner was

accompanied by an armed guard,

Who would stop the dray outside the pub and

ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.

If he said YES it was referred to as "ONE FOR THE ROAD"

If he declined, that prisoner was "ON THE WAGON"

So there you go...!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

More bleeding history...

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee

in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.

If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot they

"Didn't have a pot to Piss in" & were the lowest of the low.

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! !

So.....taking into account the previous two posts....from where does the term "gone to pot" originate? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the forgetfull, clumsy meanderings of a marijuana smoker.

Recipe for the Perfect Cuppa...

Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So, every morning I shout, 'Two sugars, fat arse!'

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...

"Where are you from? You sound English", says one of the crowd.

"I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn ?", asks the pub owner.

"I'm a taxidermist." the man replies.

"What on earth is one of those?", asks the bar-man.

"I mount animals." the nervous stranger replies.

"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

I've never considered changing our flag... But this one gets me quite emotional.

This new New Zealand flag brings a tear to my eye

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London ..

....which used to have gallows adjacent.

Prisoners were taken to the gallows

(after a fair trial of course) to be hung.

The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner was

accompanied by an armed guard,

Who would stop the dray outside the pub and

ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.

If he said YES it was referred to as "ONE FOR THE ROAD"

If he declined, that prisoner was "ON THE WAGON"

So there you go...!!!

Here is another version of the origin of these expressions:

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/270300.html

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/on-the-wagon.html

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

More bleeding history...

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee

in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.

If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot they

"Didn't have a pot to Piss in" & were the lowest of the low.

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! !

May be, but the expression I know is "he doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window

to throw it out" I imagine that this comes from the days without

toilets and isn't related to old fashioned tanning methods.

But then, I may be wrong (as always).

BUT: Who gives a ... (what's that word again?) And where does this expression come from anyway?

A Jewish man has opened a convenience store in our village. I walked in and said, "There's a sign in your window that says, 'Bottles of wine - BOGO'. I think you're missng an 'F' at the end."

He said, "No I'm not."

I started my new job in a beauty salon this morning, and spent an hour this afternoon waxing women's fannys.

But I had to hurry and get back to cleaning the bogs before the beautician got back from her lunch break.

A welshman has reportedly been attacked by a wild animal whilst having sex.

Apparently it was a wolf in sheep's clothing.

TOO OLD TO SQUAT

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.

One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis.

So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said: "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked:

"What do you mean by"

The first little old lady replied:

"Look at that. When I was 20, I was

curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I

forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild and I'm too

old to squat

.

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London ..

....which used to have gallows adjacent.

Prisoners were taken to the gallows

(after a fair trial of course) to be hung.

The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner was

accompanied by an armed guard,

Who would stop the dray outside the pub and

ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.

If he said YES it was referred to as "ONE FOR THE ROAD"

If he declined, that prisoner was "ON THE WAGON"

So there you go...!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

More bleeding history...

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee

in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.

If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot they

"Didn't have a pot to Piss in" & were the lowest of the low.

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! !

It is my dream that people do some research before perpetuating rubbish.

http://www.snopes.com/language/phrases/wagon.asp