Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the dishes in the sink and ironing is building up!

It is my dream that people do some research before perpetuating rubbish.

http://www.snopes.co...rases/wagon.asp

You're no fun, Thaddeus. The made up stories are much more fun. Who cares if they are true or not.

It is my dream that people do some research before perpetuating rubbish.

http://www.snopes.co...rases/wagon.asp

You're no fun, Thaddeus. The made up stories are much more fun. Who cares if they are true or not.

Yups, Ian.

Poor sad Thad

It is my dream that people do some research before perpetuating rubbish.

http://www.snopes.co...rases/wagon.asp

You're no fun, Thaddeus. The made up stories are much more fun. Who cares if they are true or not.

The winners of Who wants to be a millionaire spring instantly to mind.

Anything that contributes to the dumbing down or general ignorance of mankind is a bad thing isn't it? please feel free to disagree.

And Pete, sad Thad? sometimes yes, the only people who smile all the time are congenital idiots who lick the windows on buses.

It is my dream that people do some research before perpetuating rubbish.

http://www.snopes.co...rases/wagon.asp

You're no fun, Thaddeus. The made up stories are much more fun. Who cares if they are true or not.

The winners of Who wants to be a millionaire spring instantly to mind.

Anything that contributes to the dumbing down or general ignorance of mankind is a bad thing isn't it? please feel free to disagree.

And Pete, sad Thad? sometimes yes, the only people who smile all the time are congenital idiots who lick the windows on buses.

Guess that includes me then.........

It was an And not an Or Unky Ken.

It is my dream that people do some research before perpetuating rubbish.

http://www.snopes.co...rases/wagon.asp

You're no fun, Thaddeus. The made up stories are much more fun. Who cares if they are true or not.

The winners of Who wants to be a millionaire spring instantly to mind.

Anything that contributes to the dumbing down or general ignorance of mankind is a bad thing isn't it? please feel free to disagree.

And Pete, sad Thad? sometimes yes, the only people who smile all the time are congenital idiots who lick the windows on buses.

Guess that includes me then.........

Not in a bus or tram, but, yeah in the back of dad's car........LOL

Bro and I would try for best design.............

Muslim women have a new social networking site

Book

.............................

BBC NEWS - The Pope calls for action on sex abuse

right after he called "lights....camera..."

................

In an equal opportunities seminar at work today, I was asked where I stood on racism.

Apparently, "with the whites", was not an appropriate response.

....................

So a woman drives into a bar...

The winners of Who wants to be a millionaire spring instantly to mind.

Anything that contributes to the dumbing down or general ignorance of mankind is a bad thing isn't it? please feel free to disagree.

And Pete, sad Thad? sometimes yes, the only people who smile all the time are congenital idiots who lick the windows on buses.

Can't disagree with you there, Thad. I've got about 100 channels on my television in Canada. I doubt if I watch more than 3 or 4 stations, and even then they are often repeats. The daily shows are mostly garbage and some are REALLY bad. Occasionally, when I'm bored I'll watch sections of those shows just to see what amuses other people. Have you ever watched Jerry Springer or similar shows? How about the WWF or WWE or whatever they call those wrestling shows? All I can do is shake my head in wonder. I sometimes think that nobody can be THAT stupid... but maybe I'm wrong. On one of the other topics on this forum I made a "spoof" on all the ads for Viagra and Cialis. I did the same on the bar and entertainment forum, but unfortunately, some people thought I was serious.

But, I am a person who smiles all the time because I know just how good I've got it. I also know it ain't going to last forever so I better enjoy it while I can.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything

Tenerife

I won't beheading there for a while

I hear the IMF are looking for a new head.

I think there's a Bulgarian chap in Tenerife who may be able to help...

LETS OFFEND EVERYONE!!!

Latest news Flash

President Obama has just confirmed they have also

captured 3 out of 4 of the Maori terrorists: Bin Sniffen,

Bin Smokin and Bin Drinkin. Unfortunately there's no sign

of Bin Workin.

----------------------------------------------------------

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato

Pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said

'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I

Wish I had your f**king will power'

----------------------------------------------------------

Top tip; if You're camping in the summer and the

Attractive girl in the next tent tells you that

because it's So hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open

, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.

Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

------------------------------------------------------------

I got fired on my first day as a male Masseuse today.

Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face'

Didn't mean what I thought it did.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name

Two things commonly found in cells. Apparently

"Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A fat girl served Me food in McDonald's at lunch time.

She said 'sorry about the wait.'

I said 'don't Worry fatty, you're bound

To lose it eventually '

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I

Came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any

Change' I said 'Nope! You're still Black'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Snow in the Forecast!

The TV weather Gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.

I thought to Myself "fat chance with a face like that!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man asks 'What is wrong'?? The boy says 'Me

Ma is dead' 'Oh bejaysus' the man says 'Do you want

Me to call Father O'Riley for you'?? The boy replies

'No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on

My mind at the moment'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

-A pick Up line that works Every time. It

Doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a

woman

Might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in

bed with them.

Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your

Opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to

you?'

------------------------------------------------------------

----------

Years ago it was Suggested that an apple a day kept

the

Doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim,

I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

------------------------------------------------------------

----------

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!!!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with

such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to

take a photograph of a woman with her Mouth closed.

------------------------------------------------------------

----

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love

the

Days when you could look at an unattended bag on a

train or bus and Think to yourself 'I'm having that'

------------------------------------------------------------

---------

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He

looks

Down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him

'Where am I'?? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts

back 'Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You're in that

freaking basket'.

------------------------------------------------------------

------

I had a Trivia Competition shot to pieces until the

last

Question which I got wrong. The question was "Where do

women have the curliest hair"??

The answer I should have given was "Fiji"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Postal Service Recall.

New Zealand Post created a stamp with a picture of

former Maori Electorate, Mana hopeful Hone Harawira.

The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This

enraged Hone, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of $1.5 million

of taxpayers money,

A special commission presented the following findings:

1.. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp......

Well, the Scots in a Temperance Hall can go a bit weird.

Well, the Scots in a Temperance Hall can go a bit weird.

For sure and in GREENOCK TOO.... It just is not worth thinking about..

BT :jap:

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that, even though he's happy in Manchester, he does Miss Wales occasionally.

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that, even though he's happy in Manchester, he does Miss Wales occasionally.

I can't believe that Ryan Giggs missed training in the week of the Champions League final.

It's almost like he doesn't understand the meaning of commitment.

..............

A Liverpool prostitute has taken out a super injunction to stop people saying that she slept with Wayne Rooney.

A plane is on the way to Toronto when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this; I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde." he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear and she says, "oh, I’m sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto”

I hate fitba

Lots of one-liners

(and don't tell me they are non-PC, 'cos the wife of the guy who sent them is chairwoman of a charity for immigrants. So they've gotta be OK)

Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone – up front for Aston Villa.

Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him with my luck I’d probably win one.

Kate Middleton says to the Queen, “What’s the secret to a successful marriage?” Queen replies “Wear a seatbelt and don’t piss me off.”

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Q: Why don’t blondes use vibrators? A: They would chip their teeth.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

Q: What’s the difference between a blond and a brick? A: The brick doesn’t follow you home after you lay it.

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend – Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It does everything – KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

My new wig arrived the other day. It’s made of arsehol_e hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off.

I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach. I thought I’d try to lighten Mahmood.

A wise man once said “You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag.”

Question – are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”

I went to audition for the part of the Artful Dodger in a production of Oliver Twist. When I found out I hadn’t got the role and had lost it to an Asian I went and asked the director what was wrong with my audition. “Nothing,” he said “but under our new equal rights policy we’ve got to pick a Paki or two.”

On my Census form there is a question “Do you have any dependants?” Apparently putting “Hundreds of fuc_king Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people” isn’t the right answer. They’ve sent my form back!

Prince William says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a toss, he’s still going.

What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show

Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don’t let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

Black bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. “What are you so happy about?” he asked. “I just fuc_ked the girl next door” he says proudly. “Well done son. I hope you were wearing something.” “Yup” he replied. “A balaclava.”

I’ve just watched the Simpsons and realised it’s a load of <deleted>. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?

Now he’s dead, they’re making a film of Eddie Stobart’s life story. I’ve just seen the trailer.

Now Eddie Stobart’s dead they’ve found out that he was HGV positive.

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme’s called Fact Hunt.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!

1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast.

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I’ve been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don’t you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft <deleted>.

Today in an opinion poll I was asked ‘If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?’ Naturally I said ‘Niggers and guptas.’ Apparently most people said the 10,000 metres.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line. She’s not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said “Wave” they legged it!

Affirmative Action"South Africa is the only country in the world where affirmative action is in the favour of the majority who has complete political control. The fact that the political majority requires affirmative action to protect them against a 9% minority group is testament to a complete failure on their part to build their own wealth making structures, such that their only solution is to take it from others."

London Times

PROOF................

Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"

"E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"

The next day: "Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."

"Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back."

"Sorry Sipho, I did already spent that money.."

"Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow." So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning. A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow: "You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R850! But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead."

"Yoh! And the people they didn't complain?"

"Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was happy!"

Sipho is now in parliament

'A' is the 1st letter of the alphabet and 'H' is the 8th letter, right?9/11 = 0.81818181 = HAHAHAHA

'A' is the 1st letter of the alphabet and 'H' is the 8th letter, right?9/11 = 0.81818181 = HAHAHAHA

= 18 811111111 .......!

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"It's me Mummy... It's Maddie!"

"But... But it can't be... We buried you..."

"Yeah, I'm just fuc_king about. It's Gerry, I forgot my key."

......................

I was on Facebook last night and got pissed off by one attention seeking girl. It was all stuff like, "I'm bored..." and, "Feeling sad today..." and, "I just need someone to love me..."

Eventually, I looked up from my phone and said, "Shut the fuc_k up and eat your starter or this will be our last anniversary meal."

...............................

Most of my friends think I'm a professional footballer.

Mainly because I'm shagging their wives

and one for the brits

Q - How many David Camerons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - Well, first of all he has to turn off the electricity by pressing the switch. You'd think this first step would be easy, but on the way to the switch he meets Lib Dems who try to convince him not to cut off the power so quickly, an angry rabble of Trade Unionists who threaten to strike if he goes near the light switch, and the BBC who plaster his face with unbiased propaganda about the 'correct' way to respond to light switches. When he finally battles his way through to the light switch he meets an EU representative who tells him he can't turn it off because under EU legislation he must install two new light switches while also paying for Greece's faulty light switch. In the end Dave decides to go home because he realises it is impossible to turn off the light switch due to the way Labour installed the wiring. Put simply, the light switch will stay on forever, blazing up a huge bill, until it explodes. Then we'll all be in the dark.

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR HUSBAND ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Those were great, Zpete, thanks. I can just visualize them.

Sign in the paper... "Pitt bull for sale. Eats anything. Loves children."

Why I Am now Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,

'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember..

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said,

'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.

I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch.....

Naked.

Eating out with the wife last night when I got hit on the back of the head with a Prawn Cocktail...........Turned round and this big bloke was shouting " and that's just for starters "

Wee Jimmy had just finished a new book called “How to be the Man of your House” and decided he was taking action.

He barges into the kitchen and announces to his wee Scottish wife, Mary, that “frae noo oan, you need tae ken that am the man o’ this hoose and ma word is law. Right”.

“So, the ‘nite you’ll prepare me a gourmet meal o’ ma choice and then, when I’m finished eating you’ll serve me a sumptuous dessert..

After dinner you’re comin up the stairs wi’ me an we’ll hae the kinda sex that a want for as long as a want it, and then you’ll run me a bath so a can relax.

You’ll wash my back, then dry me wi the towel and then help me intae ma fleecy Rangers pyjamas before you massage ma hauns an feet.

Then the morra mornin, guess who’s gonnae dress me, an comb ma hair.................

Mary replies................... 'the fuc_king funeral director wid be ma guess ya wee prick!'

I met a girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and lay down on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought

"These taser guns are well worth the money".