Jewish Divorce

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff!

All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year,

And you want to throw all that away........ Over 45 cents?

Whats long and brown and starts with a P?

A shit.

Whats long and brown and starts with a P?

A shit.

i thought it was Puff Daddy

How does Stephen Hawking drink his tea?

"Pg Up". "Pg Dn"

OLDIE, but so funny for those who have not seen it............

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q . Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,

WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

Mite oldies.

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what in hell d’yis t’ink yer doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter....."

__________

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

As you know, I've been having a little problem with my health.

Here is my latest update.

I have decided on a new exercise program.

I am walking with a neighbor every day.

I never knew walking with someone else was such an incentive.

We don't talk much during the walk though.

My neighbor walks about 10 feet ahead of me.

So far, I have followed her for 10 miles

. . . . Without even using my cane!

I am feeling better each mile and my

Heart condition, my blood pressure,

My gout, and my back seem to be improving too!

Thanks for your concern.......

Click on image

> The Male Cycle

> >

> >

> > When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend

> > with big tits.

> >

> > When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was

> > no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

> >

> > In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.

> > Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time

> > and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

> >

> > When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.

> > She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life

> > became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

> >

> > When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up

> > with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on

> > anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often

> > as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but

> > directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

> >

> > When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet

> > planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious

> > that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

> >

> >

> >

> > I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big

> > tits.

> >

> >

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Australia. Panic

stricken, the local police inspector mobilized and descended on the farm in

force. By

the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a

burned

hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains

of

anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if

nothing

had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"John " the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this

terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned,

cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737, the aeroplane of the

Prime Minister of Australia"?

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all got killed straight out," the farmer answered. "I done

buried them

all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"Gillard is dead?" the inspector asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"She kept saying she wasn't... But you know how bad she lies...

Several men are in the locker room of a rugby club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the rugby club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$100,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

I was outside a French restaurant when a couple came up to me and said, "Avez-vous une table pour deux?"

"Are you calling me a cun_t?" I asked.

Shocked, the man replied, "Not at all! I thought you worked here; I was asking for a table."

"So you thought I was French?"

"Well yes."

"Are you calling me a cun_t?" I repeated.

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: No.

Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.

Son: In that case, okay!

Dad goes to Bill Gates

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates: No.

Dad: My son is the CEO of World Bank.

Bill Gates: In that case, okay!

Dad goes to the President of the World Bank

Dad: Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank.

President: No!

Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.

President: In That case, okay!

And that's how you do business.

F

The recession in the USA

The recession in the USA has hit everybody really hard…

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if

I could drive a truck.

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant

In Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,

"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,"she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)

"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

lol. still like this thread.

lol. still like this thread.

Where the heck have you been?

The other day my mate asked me what ringtone I have.

I replied that I have never really looked but would expect it to be light brown.

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge. Kylie tripped over and got her head stuck between some rails. Robbie takes a couple of quick glances to the left and right, hikes Kylie's skirt, rips off her G string and gives her a sensational Rogering. After he finished he stands back. "your turn" he tells Elton. Elton starts crying. "what's up?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs "My head won't fit between the rails".

*Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one

day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great

condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is

outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it

from the rain.' (true story)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to

tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says

anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. and in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack

of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in

the corridor, everywhere he looks ... dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes

off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her

parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her

mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her

panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner

table. * *After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly

beaming..But still.... total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the dishes!!'*

BT

THE RIOTERS PRAYER

Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Riots come, read it in the sun, in Birmingham , as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the tellys, the Burberry & the Barcardi, forever and ever...Innit !!!! Amen

Woman answers the phone. On the other end a man in a harsh, rasping whisper says............" Have you got a tight, roughly shaven cu**t ?"

" Yes" ...............she replies, "He's in the other room. Who shall I say is calling ? "

I Bin Claiming rings up the dole office in Birmingham. He is surprised to hear a new automated voice.............

You have reached the Department of Social Security's Claims office.

Please press one for English........

Please press two to disconnect your call until you learn how to use one.........

6 foot plank thrown through window in Tottenham, Police say Peter Crouch is recovering well!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My mate Paddy has just turned over Argos in Manchester. He's got 1500 catalogues if yer interested

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics will be just like any other Friday nigh in London, you'll hear a gunshot followed by eight blacks legging it

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Boots are reporting that after the looting of their shops throughout London, the only thing left on the shelves is fake tan

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Spurs have just signed a new black Italian striker. Grabatelli

Police in London are to use a mixture of water and Persil in their cannons. That should stop the coloureds running

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Just seen Arsene Wenger on the TV looting a sports trophy shop

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Apparently a masked superhero double act were seen on the streets of Tottenham last night. Blackman and Robbing...

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cops stop a Pakki in a transit van on the motorway. Cop says 'You know the limit is 70?' Paki looks behined and says 'Hear that? Three of you will have to get out!'

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The British Government has reacted to worldwide rioting by sending rescue vehicles to evacuate all British Citizens. They have sent three ships to Lybia two planes to Syria and a mini cab to Tottenham

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wow the new Planet of the Apes trailer is amazing...No wait a minute it's Sky News from Tottenham

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Following the riots and looting in Tottenham a large number of scousers will not travel down for the match between Spurs and Everton, due to fears that all the best stuff has already been stolen

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Following the riots in Tottenham I think it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The vast majority are in fact drug dealers and rapists

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

I walked into a fancy dress shop and asked for a vampire outfit. The assistant came back with a full Spurs kit. I said 'I think you misunderstood me, I want to look like a count

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke

xxxxxxxxxxxx

6 foot plank thrown through window in Tottenham, Police say Peter Crouch is recovering well!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My mate Paddy has just turned over Argos in Manchester. He's got 1500 catalogues if yer interested

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics will be just like any other Friday night in London, you'll hear a gunshot followed by eight blacks legging it

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Boots are reporting that after the looting of their shops throughout London, the only thing left on the shelves is fake tan

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Spurs have just signed a new black Italian striker. Grabatelli

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Police in London are to use a mixture of water and Persil in their cannons. That should stop the coloureds running

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Just seen Arsene Wenger on the TV looting a sports trophy shop

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Apparently a masked superhero double act were seen on the streets of Tottenham last night. Blackman and Robbing...

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cops stop a Pakki in a transit van on the motorway. Cop says 'You know the limit is 70?' Paki looks behined and says 'Hear that? Three of you will have to get out!'

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The British Government has reacted to worldwide rioting by sending rescue vehicles to evacuate all British Citizens. They have sent three ships to Libya, two planes to Syria and a mini cab to Tottenham

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wow the new Planet of the Apes trailer is amazing...No wait a minute it's Sky News from Tottenham

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Following the riots and looting in Tottenham a large number of scousers will not travel down for the match between Spurs and Everton, due to fears that all the best stuff has already been stolen

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Following the riots in Tottenham I think it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The vast majority are in fact drug dealers and rapists

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

I walked into a fancy dress shop and asked for a vampire outfit. The assistant came back with a full Spurs kit. I said 'I think you misunderstood me, I want to look like a count

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke

xxxxxxxxxxxx

I needed cheering up today.

That worked fine.

Ok NOT PC BUT VERY FUNNY - BRILLIANT, I even spilled my coffee laughing.

Very clever, keep up the good work. :jap:

BT

I would like to share an experience with you all.

It is to do with drinking and driving.

Some of us may have had, in the past, some brushes with the Authorities on the way home.

Well, I for one, have done something about it.

The other day I was out for a lunch with friends and, having had far too much wine, I did something I've never done before.....

I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I haven't ever driven a bus before......

BT

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny - spooky or what?

Bloke looks out of his bedroom window one morning, and calls his wife over.

" Look someone's put about an extra inch of soil all over our allotment."..................?

Next morning wife wakes up first, looks out of the window and somewhat in shock calls hubby over......

" Look it's happened again. What the hells going on ? "

" I don't know says Hubby"........................" But the plot thickens "

Worth watching for a giggle.........

Toughest Job in North Korea.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKH1PymutJQ