October 22, 200718 yr On their way back from the world cup three Southern Hemesphere players saw a leg sticking out from the bushes. The lads peered in and saw a dead girl. Out of respect the South African took off his cap and covered her left breast The kiwi took off his cap and covered the right. After much prodding the Aussie took his off and covered the girlie bits. When the French cop arrived, he lifted the Aussie cap and had a good look. He did it again and again. As he lifted it the fourth time the Aussie shouted " Eh Cobber are you some form of French pervert ? " " Non non non " came the galic reply. "It is just so strange. Everyone knows that when you lift an Aussie cap you usually find an A-hole".
October 22, 200718 yr On their way back from the world cup three Southern Hemesphere players saw a leg sticking out from the bushes. The lads peered in and saw a dead girl. Out of respect the South African took off his cap and covered her left breast The kiwi took off his cap and covered the right. After much prodding the Aussie took his off and covered the girlie bits.When the French cop arrived, he lifted the Aussie cap and had a good look. He did it again and again. As he lifted it the fourth time the Aussie shouted " Eh Cobber are you some form of French pervert ? " " Non non non " came the galic reply. "It is just so strange. Everyone knows that when you lift an Aussie cap you usually find an A-hole".
October 23, 200718 yr " Non non non " came the galic reply. "It is just so strange. Everyone knows that when you lift an Aussie cap you usually find an A-hole". Very good mate, very good - how did the South African player take off his cap? He would be have both hands full with the trophy they just took off you guys CB
October 23, 200718 yr " Non non non " came the galic reply. "It is just so strange. Everyone knows that when you lift an Aussie cap you usually find an A-hole". Very good mate, very good - how did the South African player take off his cap? He would be have both hands full with the trophy they just took off you guys CB It's OK. He let the Aussie and the Kiwi have a handle each, after all It will have been eight plus years before either one of them stand a chance to come that close again
October 23, 200718 yr Subject: A little extra Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughter's graduation from medical school. Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons' in Kansas for a night. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills. The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive.' 'How much?' asked Grandpa. 'Around $10.00 a Pill,' answered the son. 'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, we'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow.' Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00'. 'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma.'
October 23, 200718 yr What's in a name? A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like Most -- cars and men. What's your name?" she asked. He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"
October 23, 200718 yr FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE: 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
October 24, 200718 yr " Non non non " came the galic reply. "It is just so strange. Everyone knows that when you lift an Aussie cap you usually find an A-hole". Very good mate, very good - how did the South African player take off his cap? He would be have both hands full with the trophy they just took off you guys CB It's OK. He let the Aussie and the Kiwi have a handle each, after all It will have been eight plus years before either one of them stand a chance to come that close again Oh ouch mate - very good retort, I will pay that one CB
October 24, 200718 yr Author Words of love... A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, f *** off." Taoism: shit happens Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us? Atheism: I don't believe this shit
October 24, 200718 yr I am a retired old fart, Working people frequently ask me ... What I do to make my days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi scumbag t*rd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres and a cracked windscreen. So I called him a sh*t head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. I made snorting noises...then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age. (credit to Austhaied, who got this from his MOM yesterday!)
October 24, 200718 yr I am a retired old fart, Working people frequently ask me ... What I do to make my days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi scumbag t*rd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres and a cracked windscreen. So I called him a sh*t head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. I made snorting noises...then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age. (credit to Austhaied, who got this from his MOM yesterday!) I had a copyright on that..Is that against TV rules ??Everything else seems to be at the moment.. :D
October 25, 200718 yr Author Life Line I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called "Life Line". I was put through to a 'call centre' in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could - Drive a truck or fly a plane... ? Taoism: shit happens Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us? Atheism: I don't believe this shit
October 25, 200718 yr Author Black Hurricanes It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report. I can hear it now... A weatherman in Houston says: "Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hurri-macane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest U.S. Guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!" Taoism: shit happens Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us? Atheism: I don't believe this shit
October 30, 200718 yr An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."*
November 2, 200718 yr Man calls out to his girlfriend in the next room......." Come in here I'm a clock " She walks in to find him stark naked with a huge hard on. She replies " You're not a clock " " I will be when you put your hands and face on it " ..........came the obvious reply
November 15, 200718 yr Subject: A recent survey in England A recent survey in England asked the following question: "Are there too many foreigners in this country now?" The following are the survey results. 20%: YES 10%: NO 70%: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط BOOM BOOM!!!!!!!
November 15, 200718 yr Guts or Balls... There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next fatty." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
November 16, 200718 yr . A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a cheque, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well that's great, just great... some arsehol_e's got my pen." ...
November 16, 200718 yr .A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a cheque, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well that's great, just great... some arsehol_e's got my pen." ... A clasic LK! Although I have heard a slightly more vulgar version involving a gynaecologist!
November 16, 200718 yr A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked, there's a knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is it?" A voice answers, "A blind salesman." The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says, "Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie...?"
November 16, 200718 yr I thought this one was hilarious, seeing as we have a mulit lingual crowd on here. Four linguists were sharing a compartment on a train on their way to an international conference on sound symbolism. One was English, one Spanish, one French and the fourth German. They got into a discussion on whose language was the most eloquent and euphonious. The English linguist said: "Why, English is the most eloquent language. Take for instance the word "butterfly". Butterfly, butterfly... doesn't that word so beautifully express the way this delicate insect flies. It's like flutter-by, flutter-by." "Oh, no!" said the Spanish linguist, "the word for "butterfly" in Spanish is "maripose". Now, this word expresses so beautifully the vibrant colours on the butterfly's wings. What could be a more apt name for such a brilliant creature? Spanish is the most eloquent language!" "Papillon!" says the French linguist, "papillon! This word expresses the fragility of the butterfly's wings and body. This is the most fitting name for such a delicate and ethereal insect. French is the most eloquent language!" At this the German linguist stands up, and demands: "Und vot is rongk mit 'SCHMETTERLING'?"
November 20, 200718 yr A firefighter was working on the fire engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck, " the firefighter said with admiration. Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
November 20, 200718 yr . Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead Now it goes to school with her Between two hunks of bread
November 20, 200718 yr Georgy Porgy Puddin and Pie, kissed the girls and made they cry When the boys came out to play................He kissed them too, he's funny that way.
November 20, 200718 yr Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Jill the dill forgot the pill And now they have a daughter tlw - schoolyard rhymes
November 21, 200718 yr . A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs She asked, "What are their names?" The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex." Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" Helllooo?" said the blonde. "They're watch dogs..."
November 21, 200718 yr .A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs She asked, "What are their names?" The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex." Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" Helllooo?" said the blonde. "They're watch dogs..." Very funny LK!
December 1, 200718 yr Banks Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Further more, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Create an account or sign in to comment