Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shoutingpaedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

Have a heart Ian. This threads for jokes, keep your true life experiences to OSTB...............

It clearly was a hilarious joke.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

Have a heart Ian. This threads for jokes, keep your true life experiences to OSTB...............

It clearly was a hilarious joke.

Yah, that's because I lied...

I'm actually 71

I am downloading the new Star Wars BluRay disks...using uTorrent I selected 'Force Start'.

And I couldn't help but giggle.

I saw a good looking woman today, with a pushchair.

"I bet you're a single mum", I said confidently.

"Yes I am", she replied, "how did you guess?"

"Because you're white and the kid's black."

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with mebecause she can't afford batteries!

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turnsout I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lek. It worked for me.

What with Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs and Bob Hope dying in the last 10 years - tons of people have been posting jokes about us now having no cash, no jobs and no hope... Am I the only one thinking it'd be a win-win if someone shot Rebecca Black?

What with Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs and Bob Hope dying in the last 10 years - tons of people have been posting jokes about us now having no cash, no jobs and no hope... Am I the only one thinking it'd be a win-win if someone shot Rebecca Black?

And Cat Stevens.

I knocked at my neighbour's door today.

"Your son has just run out in front of my car," I snapped. "I nearly killed him."

"I'm so sorry," she gasped. "He won't be doing it again."

"I know he won't," I replied. "The paramedic said that he was probably paralysed."

....................

The English couple held ransom in Somalia are to release a DVD next week detailing their horrific ordeal.

Cheeky gits want £19.99 for it.

I think I'll wait for the pirate copy.

and

My wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted.

Oh well better log of Thaivisa and get back to it I suppose.

Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage.

When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing

chemlites. "Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?"

In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth."

---------------------------

Wondering why my niece, Charlotte, was returning to college to get a master's in philosophy, I asked, "What can you do with a degree like that?"

"Well," she explained, "it will qualify me to deal with questions like, 'What is existence?' 'What is the essence of things?' and 'Do you want fries with that?' "

---------------------------

Our son, Steve, was cutting his lawn with a power mower when it slid down an embankment, lopped off a large chunk of his tennis shoe and badly nicked the tip of his left toe. Days later, Steve was at home recuperating on the couch when his brother-in-law called. "I thought I'd bring over a couple of videos to help pass the time," he said.

"Hey, thanks," said Steve. "What are they?"

"The Lawnmower Man and My Left Foot."

--------------------------------------

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "It's three weeks long," he said.

"What else?" I asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" I asked.

"The third week, the fools jump."

-----------------------

Not at all short... but definitely funny...

It all started with a fairly simple meal the night before. I was heading off to the States for a few weeks on business so we decided to go for a meal. As per usual, when in a good establishment which you can trust, I chose mussels in white wine to start with, followed by sirloin steak. Now usually I eat my sirloin rare, but the previous month I had been out with a few lads out of work and one of them ordered it "blue".

Not sure if anyone has ever ordered/eaten steak "blue" or not, but it basically involves wiping the coo's arse, pulling it's horns out and threatening it with a bit of heat from the pan. It's as close to raw meat as you'll get. Anyway, despite my misgivings when I saw it arrive, I duly got my money's worth and ate the thing - I swear I could hear it moo when I was chewing it.

Anyway, next day I arrive bright and early at Dublin Airport for the flight to LA. As is my want, I parked up and bought myself two nice creamy pints of Guinness - the plan being that I'd have two pints, then two small bottles of red wine with the dinner on the plane, then hopefully crash for a chunk of the 11 hour flight.

So far, so good. Just before boarding (I always wait till last) I decided to go and wet the hedgehog's nose - I hate needing a pish when the plane is on the deck - you just know that it's going to take at least half an hour before the seat belt sign goes off, and by then my back teeth are nearly floating. So, in I stroll to splash my hooves and in an effort to get every last drop out I'm straining like a dug on a leash - and that’s when the first thing happened. I knew I was going to scruff, but in place of the booming effort I had imagined, I got a watery squeak, and the unmistakeable feeling of a follow through. I horsed into the cubicle to inspect the trolleys and sure enough I was just in time. There was a wee bit of runny stuff on the jocks, but - result - not enough to mark the trousers, and not enough to force me to send the aforementioned trolleys to a watery grave, thereby exposing my bare bangle for an 11 hour flight with airplane food.

So quick clean up, on to the plane, and find myself at a window seat, next to an American guy returning home. (as it turned out he was sound enough - well, until the event itself).

Got the meal in, and the two red wines - and I think it might have been a combo effect of the steak, the Guinness, the mussels, the wine and the air pressure - but I started Dick Barton - carefully at first and just wee ones - but they were fuc_king howling. Real dead animal smell. I grabbed the wee pillow you lean on and put my head against the window and was kind of breathing through the pillow, cos it was absolutely rotten.

I looked at the American guy and gave it the whole "who the fuc_k was that" type speech, and he was absolutely indignant as well - "you're right man, some motherfuc_ker needs to have some manners" and all that type of malarky. I was nodding in violent agreement, but my stomach was telling me that the first one had been my starter for ten, so there was no way this was going to be over any time soon - and certainly not when I'm stuck at the window seat of a plane, scared to fuc_king move far less walk. I pretended I was sleeping, and cut loose another few belters. They were absolutely hoaching. I could hear two bells go off behind me as people started summoning stewardesses down to try and have a word or figure out what was going on - the plane was absolutely bowfing. I strained every muscle I could summon up and managed to keep a plug on the arse for a good half an hour. But in the end it was no use. I let go a fuc_king cracker and the guy beside me, who must have known all along that it was me who was rotten, had clearly had enough.

In the way that only Yanks can, he quite politely tapped me on the shoulder and whispered "dude, you gotta go take a shit". For a second or two I thought long and hard about denying it, but fuc_k it - I was bang to rights and he was spot on - indeed his polite whispering meant I could still go to the bog and even pretend to others it was no more than a normal visit - he could have got me hung but he was a decent lad about it.

I got up out the seat, and he then made a fatal mistake. Instead of getting out to the aisle to let me out, he squatted up on the seat - meaning I had to squeeze out past him. I stood up and facing the front of the plane sidled my way out the seat - well it must have been the pressure or the air in my stomach finally being able to move or something - but just as I got to my feet, arse level with his face I scuttled out another whopper.

He went fuc_king mad. And rightly so. I'm surprised the oxygen masks didn't drop - it was absolutely foul. I stammered an apology, made my way quickly but gingerly to the bogs and released the mother load.

The steak came out the same way she went in. I swear I could still see my teeth marks on it. The toilet was rotten - had to stay in there for about half a dozen flushes and all sorts of running hot water over soap in the sinks to try and get some perfume into it.

Came out to find a small queue waiting for the toilets - I'll never forget the look on the guys face as he took the door from me to go in - knowing that no matter what he did, he would get the blame from the next guy for the pen and ink.

Went back to my seat to find that the American gentleman had gone.

I'm assuming he requested a move.

And he was right.

The rest of the flight was spent, headphones on, head down and pretending to be asleep any time the stewardesses came up the plane, out of pure and utter shame faced embarrassment. At the end of the flight I kept the eyes closed and waited till I could hear the plane clear out around me, and then mingled into the crowd from the back of the plane who had no idea what I had done.

Easily the longest 11 hours of my life.

Never eaten steak blue since. Never drink Guinness before flights to the States now either.

A small part of me died that day.

Little Johnny! (Bless the little bastard)

"Jane, you go first..."…..Dough, D

O U G H …..

…….

Italians make

pizza with dough."

Very good, Jane... now let's hear

from Mary. "Dough, D O U G H …….. …. my brother makes things with

play

dough."

"Yes, Johnny, do you have

something constructive to add?"

"My mom says my dad doesn't make enough

dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so

she

uses a dill dough!"

"Class, today's assignment is to spell

and

use the word 'DOUGH' in a

sentence."

True story Jai Dee?

What's difference between a Black Man and Batman ?

Batman CAN go into a shop without Robbin......

True story Jai Dee?

It's funny enough to be believable hey?

Went to bed with 2 Thai girls last night - it was like winning the lottery!

We had 6 matching balls.

Apologies if youve seen them before, but the first one made me shat.....

Fat bitch in a bar says "If you can guess my weight, you can f **k me". A bloke says, ''Bout three ton". She says, "That's close enough you lucky bastard".

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of Minge drinking

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

85% of Ipswich, Queensland males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet

Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on.. My face

I've just been to my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but f** k me, pass the parcel was fast!

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that's the best f* * k I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on?

If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate father's day, lovers celebrate valentines day, do wanke_rs celebrate palm Sunday?

CHANNEL NINE HAVE SAID THAT BLACKS AND ASIANS ARE NOT REPRESENTED ENOUGH ON TV SO THEY'RE PUTTING CRIME WATCH ON TWICE A WEEK.

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio.

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that aborigines is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 f**king Muslims have added me as a friend!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on the moonlight, don't blame it on the good times, blame it on the nearest black person to him when he died!

Dunno if this will work..........

Give it a go.

http://img.thesun.co...les_622180a.swf

It works 4 me.

'Hand me downs'.

Apparently not the nicest way to ask my wife to pass our disabled baby to me.

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" he asked.

I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."

"OK," he paused. "Well what's the problem?"

"The fat one's winning."

a candid discussion amongst surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best

patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants on

my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is

numbered..”

The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try

electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians

are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order”

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: “You know, I like

construction workers… Those guys always understand

when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he

observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the

head and the ass are interchangeable.

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the Australian Health Service,

an Aussie decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses

are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off. He lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection," said the man.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

I got chatting to a black guy down the pub, we shared the same interests and ended up drinking together all night. When he eventually went to go home, he asked me "What's your number, mate?"

I said "We white people don't have numbers, we have names."

I haven't heard from him since.

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took

The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The courtesy out of driving,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education,

The service out of patriotism,

The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending,

The ambition out of achievement or God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country. Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

I thought this one was hilarious, seeing as we have a mulit lingual crowd on here.

Four linguists were sharing a compartment on a train on their way to an international conference on sound symbolism. One was English, one Spanish, one French and the fourth German. They got into a discussion on whose language was the most eloquent and euphonious.

The English linguist said: "Why, English is the most eloquent language. Take for instance the word "butterfly". Butterfly, butterfly... doesn't that word so beautifully express the way this delicate insect flies. It's like flutter-by, flutter-by."

"Oh, no!" said the Spanish linguist, "the word for "butterfly" in Spanish is "maripose". Now, this word expresses so beautifully the vibrant colours on the butterfly's wings. What could be a more apt name for such a brilliant creature? Spanish is the most eloquent language!"

"Papillon!" says the French linguist, "papillon! This word expresses the fragility of the butterfly's wings and body. This is the most fitting name for such a delicate and ethereal insect. French is the most eloquent language!"

At this the German linguist stands up, and demands: "Und vot is rongk mit 'SCHMETTERLING'?"

Exactly..wot is rong wiz it?

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs and a 30cm penis?

Partly handicapped!