An Aussie guy walks into a pub with a pet Crocodile by his side. He puts the Crocodile up on the bar and turns to the gathered patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this Croc’s mouth and place dick inside. Then ‘ol Croc will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my dick unscathed. In return for witnessing this feat, each of you will buy me a drink”.

The crowd agreed. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his dick in the Croc’s open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped his pet croc hard on the top of its head. The Croc opened his mouth and the man removed his dick unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.

Not very funny.

Different 'ol croc'.

Ok

A Pakistani goes into an Army recruitment office.

"Can I help you?" asks the sergeant, with his eyebrows raised.

"I want to join up, mate. You can't stop me or it's racism!"

"I see.." replies the wily old Sarge, looking at his vacancy sheet. "Well, we do have an opening in the Catering Corps. All the British Army loves a curry, eh?"

"You can't put me there, that's stereotyping!"

"Ok.. what about a Quartermaster's private? We all need goods and supplies while we're fighting the enemy."

"So you're putting me in a shop? More racial stereotyping! I want to do something of equal standing to white blokes."

The sergeant, increasingly pissed off now, flips a page on his sheet.

"Right. I suppose you want to drive an armoured personnel carrier? Something like that?"

"Yeah! That's sounds good. What is it?"

"Sort of like a taxi"

A whole bunch of posts removed. Let's keep this to humour, PC or not.

However please do avoid words beginning with N, J, D or W.

• THE HAIRCUT.
  

> > Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

>

> One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

> The florist was pleased and left the shop.

>

> When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

>

> Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

> The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

>

> Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

>

> The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

> And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

>

> BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

From a friend in US, but it goes for any country.

Mainly for our American readers, especially if you're from Michigan

MichigansNewTourismAd.wmv

A whole bunch of posts removed. Let's keep this to humour, PC or not.

However please do avoid words beginning with N, J, D or W.

So Newark, Jersey, Denver and Washington aren't allowed?

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

A young man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. The poor fellow had no arms and no legs.

Three pretty young women, one English, one Scottish and the last Irish, strolled past. They saw him and stopped to speak.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man answered 'No', so she gave him a big embrace and squeezed his privates.

The Scottish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a lingering smooch with tongue action.

The Irish woman stepped forward and asked, ''Ave ya ivver been <deleted>, laddie?' The man broke into a huge smile and shook his head in a vigorous 'No'.

She said, 'Then you will be when the tide comes in!'

*Phone rings, woman answers.*

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "Have you got a tight, unshaven <deleted>?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's playing on his computer - who shall I say is calling?"

Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

People Who Don’t Know How to Spell “Cologne”

Plus many more.....

I caught two gay lions having sex in broad daylight earlier.

Have they no pride?    

^{Not short, but lotta newbies........ to me anyways.}

^{Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?}

^{A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.}

^{Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?}

^{A. A different bar.}

^{Q. What did the Chinese couple name their white, curly-haired baby?}

^{A. Sum Ting Wong .}

^{Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?}

^{A. A speech impediment.}

^{Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?}

^{A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.}

^{Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on}

^{Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays?}

^{A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.}

^{Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?}

^{A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.}

^{Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?}

^{A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'}

^{Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???}

^{A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'}

^{A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'}

^{Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?}

^{A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.}

^{OH shut up ... just pass it on!.....}

Marriage councillor says to a couple, "Tell me something both of you have in common."

Husband, after a long awkward silence says, "Well, neither of us sucks cock."

Typical Oz joke – hope this is just funny not racist…

An Afghan

an Arab,

,

And a Australian Sheila are In the same bar.

When the Afghan Finishes his beer,

He throws his glass

In the air, pulls

Out

His pistol, and

Shoots

The glass

To pieces.

He says, 'In Afghanistan ,

Our glasses are so

Cheap we don't need

To drink with the

Same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously

Impressed by this,

Drinks non-alcohol beer

(cuz he's a Muslim!),

Throws it into the

Air, pulls out his

AK-47, and shoots

The glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the

Arab World, we have

So much sand to make

Glasses that we don't

Need to drink with

The same one twice either.'

The Aussie Sheila

Cool as a cucumber,

Picks up her beer,

Downs it in one gulp,

Throws the glass into

The air, whips out her

45, and shoots the

Afghan and the Arab.

Catching her glass,

Setting it on the bar, and calling

For a refill,

She says,

'In Australia

We have so many

Illegal immigrants that

We don't have to

Drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Australia !!

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her:

"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

Yes, she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes .... .... ....... they're having a yard sale. "

It's hard to argue this logic......

You know how women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts??? Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a woman will normally say, "It’d be nice to have another baby".

You never hear a bloke say, "I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts!".

Case closed.

A bit of military humour.......

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.. . If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,

"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!

Now let's try it again!"

Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whore-house! "

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore-house smells like."

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again

British humour - ABSOLUTELY POLITICALLY INCORRECT

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...　

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.　

========================================　

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".　

=======================================　

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.　

=======================================　

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low.　

=======================================　

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"　

=======================================　

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..　

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammad.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.　

"Are you Mohammad?" he asks.　

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammad is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.　

Delighted that Mohammad should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.　

He asks again, "Are you Mohammad?"　

"No, I am Moses. Mohammad is higher still."　

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.　

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammad?"　

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammad higher up."　

Mohammad higher than Jesus!　

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:　

"Are you Mohammad?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.　

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"　

"Yes, please, my Lord."　

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammad, two coffees !!!!"

Bloke opens the door and finds two policemen standing on the step.

One shows him a picture and says " Sir, is this a picture of your wife ?"

Bloke replies "yes officer"

"Well sir, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a traffic accident"

Bloke says

"Well yes, but she's got a lovely personality"

Sounds like Terry's old joke from the "Minder" series where Arthur is about to get an injection before a minor op at the hospital and the nurse says "just a little prick" and Terry responds "yes, but he's got a lovely smile though".

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.

They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.

Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.

I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”

Well that was when the trouble started...............

Are you smarter than a 60 year old?

THIS WAS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.

THE ANSWERS WERE ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE.

I REMEMBERED, BUT...

DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT

A TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS

This is a test for us 'older kids'!

The answers are printed (after the questions)

but don't cheat! Answer them first.

01.

After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset,

the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man?

Invariably, someone would answer,

“I don't know, but he left this behind”.

What did he leave behind? ____ ______ ______.

02.

When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964,

we all watched them on The ___ _________ Show.

03.

'Get your kicks, ____ ________ ____.'

04.

'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to

_______ ____ _______.'

05.

'In the jungle, the mighty jungle,

___ _____ _____ __________.'

06.

After the Twist , the Mashed Potato , and the Watusi ,

we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go

in a dance called the '_____________.'

07.

Nestle's makes the very best _____________.'

08.

Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.'

Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.

His name was ____ _____________.

09.

What takes a licking and keep on ticking? ________ _______.

10.

Red Skeleton's hobo character as named _______ ___ ________

and Red always ended his television show by saying,

'Good Night, and '_____ ________.'’

11.

Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War

did so by burning their ______ ________.

12.

The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front

was called the VW. What other names did it go by?

___ _______ & ___ __________.

13.

In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about,

'the day the music died.'

This was a tribute to ________ ___________.

14.

We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit

The Russians did it.

It was called ___________________.

15.

One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's

was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist.

It was called the ‘_______ - _______’.

ANSWERS :

01.

The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet .

02.

The Ed Sullivan Show .

03.

ON Route 66

04.

‘To protect the innocent’ .

05.

the Lion Sleeps Tonight .

06.

The limbo

07.

Chocolate

08.

Louis Armstrong

09.

The Timex watch

10.

Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

11.

Draft cards

(Bras were also burned .. Not flags, as some have guessed)

12.

Beetle or Bug

13.

Buddy Holly

14.

Sputnik

15.

Hoola-hoop

Send this to your 'older' friends,

(Better known as Seniors.)

It will drive them crazy!

And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains

for a few minutes.

That has a very heavy American slant to it, which I'm not, and I still got 14 out of 15, thanks for making me feel old Roo.

That has a very heavy American slant to it, which I'm not, and I still got 14 out of 15, thanks for making me feel old Roo.

I got one !

That has a very heavy American slant to it, which I'm not, and I still got 14 out of 15, thanks for making me feel old Roo.

I got one !

In that case, was it number 1 or 15 you got?

That has a very heavy American slant to it, which I'm not, and I still got 14 out of 15, thanks for making me feel old Roo.

I got one !

In that case, was it number 1 or 15 you got?

7

Sent from my iPhone using ThaiVisa app

Feel free to try -

How smart are we, the seniors????

TT

---

see how well you brain is doing.

If you get 4 correct out of 10 questions you pass!

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which

month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below

....

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?

Albert

8 ) What color is a purple finch?

Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Orange(of course)

What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too!

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIE!)