What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too!

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIE!)

I passed, I have seen it before though

Canary Islands in the Pacific?

I know the Canary Islands in the Atlantic were named by the Romans after the dogs there (Latin for dog = cane)

Five for the first one and a duck!! in the second.

Its a long walk from the crease for me....

You are not expected to pass this test and you will not. No one can.

It is an excellent test... and a good pass time if you please...

TEST YOUR NEUROLOGICAL SKILLS...

CLICK THE DOG

18 out of 20..... is that ok?

4/20....I'm enjoying the vino though.

18 out of 20..... is that ok?

They didn't have a question about lying

Makes for an interesting sobriety test.

This one doesn't fit because it's a troo story and probably old but I liked it.

One Irishman's solution...................

At a U2 concert in Ireland, lead singer Bono asked the audience for some quiet.

Almost in tears he then he began to slowly clap his hands

Holding the audience in total silence, he leans forward and

says into the microphone...."I want you to think about something.

Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

Stunned, the audience is speechless until a voice

from the front row yells out...."Then stop yer clappin', ya fookin' arseh0le"

Edited to preserve literal integrity despite the cybercensor.

(So stick that up yer jaxie ya stupid bot ya)

That's very good!

In similar vein :

At a conference promoting Birth Control in poor Countries the speaker tells the audience

"In Africa a woman gives birth every 34 seconds"

Voice from the audience

"someone should find her and stop her!"

Patrick

From Wiki:

The fuzzy kiwifruit is native to southern China, and has been declared a National Fruit of China.^[3] Other species of Actinidia are native to India, Japan, and southeastern Siberia. Cultivation of the fuzzy kiwifruit spread from China in the early 20th century, when seeds were introduced to New Zealand by Mary Isabel Fraser

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.

~ Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.

~ Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?

~ Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport

~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ Robert Benchley

The pan-european horsemeat scandal is getting worse. There is no vegetarian alternative, as DNA testing shows that large percentages of veggie foods contain uniquorn ....

Those hot dogs you buy in shopping malls would have to be meat free.

JOB DESCRIPTION

Someone once asked me, "What is your job?"

I replied, “I am on call as my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my <deleted> advice, she'll ask for it.”

Phone rings, woman answers.

The Pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?

Woman replies, " Yes, he's watching the football.......who shall I say is calling?"

Following are supposedly extracts from translations into English found in European Travel Brochures.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport.

The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore.

Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water.

... You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others.

But please note that ladies are not allowed to have their babies in the bar. We organise social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with himself.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Best of All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

That's great.

Lawyer Joke

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver
to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as

large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows
turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Today's facebook funny.

<deleted>??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Six Basic Rules for Good Health

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.

5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!

SO ... REMEMBER

...

...

6. FISHING is good for your health and soul ...

And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind !!!