Banks

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and

the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded,

Sumo Bank has gone belly up and

Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go

for a song

while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Further more, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop

and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank

where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Hang on a second, I remember this from the Two Ronnies.

CB

'

Ssh...........you're showing your age C.B.

'

Ssh...........you're showing your age C.B.

It get's worse I also remember the Goon Show on radio (ABC) and watching The Charlie Drake Comedy show. My dad thought both histerical and my mother thought they were stupid. If we wanted to listen/see the show we were not allowed to speak at all else it was "if you want to talk - get out!".

My advice is we avoid getting Suiging on the Goon show he get's all Neddy Seagoon on us at every opportunity - must be a Wolverhampton thing

CB

Seagoon:

...But wait!! At last, by the light of a passing glue factory, I saw that Eccles was only wearing, one boot!

Eccles:

Well, I only got one boot.

Seagoon:

I know, but why are you wearing it on your head?

Eccles:

Why? Why? It fits, dat's why! What a silly question to ask...

Seagoon:

Let me see that boot! Mmmmm, size nineteen... What size head have you got?

Eccles:

Size nineteen.

Seagoon:

Curse, the man's defence was perfect.

You're right Crowie I can't tell the difference,

and does Eccles remind you of.........no I'd better not say,

you could, as you could hide behind your cardboard moderators shield.

Another New Law:

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Brisbane City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Westfield Shopping Centre in Carindale . Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

I'll try and get hold of a picture of this world-first women-only parking lot.

Here you go

Here you go

Nah - that's a Saudi Driving School - all passed the test.

No women drivers there. (There were, during Desert Storm - the locals hated it)

Nah - that's a Saudi Driving School - all passed the test.

No women drivers there. (There were, during Desert Storm - the locals hated it)

Yeah, i spent alot of time in Kuwait a few years ago. Lunatic drivers and they started to let women drive as well. Although if i remember rightly, they couldn't put fuel in themselves

Nah - that's a Saudi Driving School - all passed the test.

No women drivers there. (There were, during Desert Storm - the locals hated it)

Yeah, i spent alot of time in Kuwait a few years ago. Lunatic drivers and they started to let women drive as well. Although if i remember rightly, they couldn't put fuel in themselves

No problem - just buy a new car, with a full tank, and charge it to your husband ! Result !!

It reminds me of the Kuwaiti who, when asked was having sex a pleasure or work, decided that it must be pleasure, otherwise he'd get a guest-worker to do it for him !

'

Interesting Health Fact

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the

eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a

shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it

doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

Have a nice day

'

Copyright God dam_n it !!

I was in Liverpool yesterday and i bought an advent calender.

Typical, all the windows where boarded up

And some bast4rd had nicked all the chocolates

My wifes idea of oral sex, is to sit me down and talk me out of it!!

My wife refuses sex on religious grounds. She says she's Jewish and I'm a pig!!

I was explaining the concept of reincarnation to my wife, when you die you get to come back as something else.

"Oh, I want to come back as a pig".

"No dear, let me explain again".

Courtesy of the late great Mike Reid

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you? The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

"Well," said the president, "Every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!"

Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

Linford Christie goes to a golf club and the man at the reception looking a bit embarassed says "Sorry sir we don’t let black people play here. Theres a club 5 minutes down the road they might help you."

"But I’m Linford Christie" he says.

"Alright then, 3 minutes down the road .......... now <deleted> off!"

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fcukin blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

Seagon:...........Bloodnok, I need your help

Bloodnok:....I'm sorry, it's her day off.

later that day

Seagoon....I need your help

Bloodnok.... What ? Well, you can count by me to rely on you.........

With Valentines day fast approaching this is a timely reminder what NOT to say to your loved one:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .......

dam_n, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe 'Go to hel_l.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,

and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says,

'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.

Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good,



let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.



He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.

But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.

Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand

and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,

but the last time I shlept with a scouser,

the bitch stole ma wallet !'

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold

Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished

but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling.... about women

drivers; the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a

woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt..

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and

live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this

must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't

be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car

is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely

God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in

agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to

the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and

hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches.

Don't mess with them.

for sweetchariot & Jai dee(Valentines day)'s lines

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, 'Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?'

She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'

St. Peter says, 'OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?'

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well once I fondled and stroked one.'

St. Peter says, 'OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, 'Lisa! What seems to be the rush?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her @rse in it.

2 ladies go on holiday together in the Caribbean and meet a big muscular black guy.

After a week of fantastic 3some sex they ask him his name.

He says "my name is Snow"

The ladies start laughing hysterically.

"What are you laughing at ?" says Snow

(wait for it )

They reply " Our husbands will never believe that we've had 10 inches of <deleted> snow in the Caribbean"

An Australian is touring around Ireland and is in a small town when he goes into the local pub for directions.

A lone old Irishman is at the bar with a half pint of Guiness in his hand.

The Aussie says "Hi mate, what is the fastest way to get to Dublin?"

The Irishman turns to him and says "well, that would depend I suppose - are you walking or driving?"

The Aussie says "I'm driving"

The Irishman replied "Yep, to be sure, that would be the fastest way to get to Dublin"

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'

Question: What did the 5yo little blind boy in a wheelchair get for his birthday?

Answer: Cancer

Sick Sick Sick Peter.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids."

Two gay men decide to have a baby.

They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other.

'All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!'

The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ar5e!'