The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ar5e!'

5555555555555555555555555555555

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, slim , redheaded woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front

of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style..

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, ....

"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

Q. What the differance between marbles and babies?

A. One you can load on a truck with a pitch-fork.

Q. What's Red White & Black and can't turn round in a lift?

A. A nun with a spear in her head.

Q. What is small and green but turns red when you push a button?

A. A Frog in a blender.

Hey Cuban, how did you slip in here?

Go here for a welcome:

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/index.php?sh...p;#entry1848136

And here to tell us about yourself:

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/index.php?sh...0&start=400

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman s aid 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

'THE TEETH.'

A drunkard was brought to court.

Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.

The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."

The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

2 old ladies sitting in a cafe.

Ethel says to Doris "did you come on the bus?"

Doris replies "yes but i made it look like an ashma attack"

Just after the "act":

He : wow, that was great, how was it for you?

she : are you by any chance an anaesthetist?

he : huh no, why?

she : because I didn't feel a thing!

onzestan

Just after the "act":

He : wow, that was great, how was it for you?

she : are you by any chance an anaesthetist?

he : huh no, why?

she : because I didn't feel a thing!

onzestan

Shouldn't this read "one prick and I didn't feel a thing"?

A married couple:

Every year for his birthday the wife asks, "What would you like for your birthday?"

The husband replies, "My dear wife, we've been married for x years now, and I've never yet had a blowjob."

Every year the wife refuses.

One day the husband dies and is cremated.

The wife sits there at the kitchen table, Urn full of ashes in front of her.

She's just bought herself a new fur coat and a new sports car with the life insurance and is feeling rather content.

So cometh the anniversary of her dead husbands birthday she tips out the urn, ashes all over the table, and says too the remains of her husband, " My dear, every year you've asked for a blowjob."

The woman takes a deep breath and....

A married couple:

Every year for his birthday the wife asks, "What would you like for your birthday?"

The husband replies, "My dear wife, we've been married for x years now, and I've never yet had a blowjob."

Every year the wife refuses.

One day the husband dies and is cremated.

The wife sits there at the kitchen table, Urn full of ashes in front of her.

She's just bought herself a new fur coat and a new sports car with the life insurance and is feeling rather content.

So cometh the anniversary of her dead husbands birthday she tips out the urn, ashes all over the table, and says too the remains of her husband, " My dear, every year you've asked for a blowjob."

The woman takes a deep breath and....

You have to be the first person that has ever messed up that joke

CB

A married couple:

Every year for his birthday the wife asks, "What would you like for your birthday?"

The husband replies, "My dear wife, we've been married for x years now, and I've never yet had a blowjob."

Every year the wife refuses.

One day the husband dies and is cremated.

The wife sits there at the kitchen table, Urn full of ashes in front of her.

She's just bought herself a new fur coat and a new sports car with the life insurance and is feeling rather content.

So cometh the anniversary of her dead husbands birthday she tips out the urn, ashes all over the table, and says too the remains of her husband, " My dear, every year you've asked for a blowjob."

The woman takes a deep breath and....

You have to be the first person that has ever messed up that joke

CB

Oh we all got it though!

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said."I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. MrCadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who apparently had Allsorts!!!

CB

So much for his Mars Bar then.

So much for his Mars Bar then.

Yeah it got turned into a twinkie

CB

Doctor to nurse after complaint from patient.

Nurse I told you to prick his boil, not to boil his prick!!!!

cheers

onzestan

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the ! next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were <deleted> or drown."

LOL JaiDee and CrowBoy,mod comedians.Do you get extra dosh for cracking up everyone here?

^

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard co ming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that dam_n monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Kan Win-ski

Middle aged couple are walking through the supermarket and as they head down the beer aisle the husband stops and puts a carton of beer in the trolley. The wife says "dear, we can't afford it so put it back". The husband grudgingly replaces the carton back on the stack. In other aisles they put in bread, milk, cheese etc until they get to the cosmetics aisle and the wife stops and puts in a small jar. The husband asks 'what's that?" The wife replies "it is night cream, I use it for my complexion, I know it is expensive but it makes me look sexy" The husband doesn't say a word but picks up the jar, puts it back on the shelf and walks off. The wife annoyed with this says "so where you going?" The husband says over his shoulder "I'm heading back to be beer aisle, that stuff does the same job but costs only half the amount"

CB

Jai Dee walks into a bar and sees britmaveric sitting at the end of the bar with a

great big smile on his face. Jai Dee says, 'britmaveric, what are you so happy

for?'

'Well Jai Dee, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just

waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. Tits out to here, Jai Dee.

Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said

'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Jai Dee. I

turned off the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't

swim, Jai Dee. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Jai Dee walks into a bar and sees britmaveric sitting at the end of

the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Jai Dee says, 'What are you

happy about today britmaveric?' 'Well Jai Dee.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I

was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came

up to me...tits out to here, Jai Dee. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I

have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my

boat.' So I took her way out, Jai Dee. Way out much further than the last

one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She

couldn't swim, Jai Dee! She couldn't swim!'

A couple days pass and Jai Dee walks into a bar and sees britmaveric cryin over a

beer.

Jai Dee says, 'britmaveric, what are you so sad for?'

'Well Jai Dee, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just

waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY

out to here, Jai Dee. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride

in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I

took her way out, Jai Dee, way WAY out... Much further than the last two I turned off the key,

and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!' She pulled

down her pants and .....

She had a pecker, Jai Dee! She had this great BIG pecker!... And I can't

swim Jai Dee! I can't swim!"

She had a pecker, Jai Dee! She had this great BIG pecker!... And I can't

swim Jai Dee! I can't swim!"

Ok that is really funny :D

CB

I aplologise for the length of this post. I arrived at the party a bit late and need to play a bit of catch up!

First may I start with some:

Quotes

*******************************

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

--A Bit of Fry and Laurie

*******************************

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

*******************************

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1) Fighting; 2) Fleeing; 3) Feeding; 4) Mating.

--Psychology professor in a neuropsych intro course

*******************************

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

--Richard Harkness, NY Times, 1960

*******************************

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station of Chicago:

"Of all the radio stations in Chicago . . . we're one of them."

*******************************

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there aresome misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.

--Ransom K. Ferm

*******************************

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

*******************************

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

*******************************

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.

--Salvador Dali

*******************************

Karate is a form of martial art in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

--Dave Barry

*******************************

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

--A. Whitney Brown, SNL

*******************************

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

*******************************

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

--Mark Twain

*******************************

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

--Dick Cavett (on the TV violence debate)

*******************************

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

--Dave Barry

*******************************

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

*******************************

666: The number of the beast.

668: The neighbor of the beast.

*******************************

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

--Emo Phillips

*******************************

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. Zappa

*******************************

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

--F.P. Jones

*******************************

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

--Douglas Adams

*******************************

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in Whom you don't believe?"

--Quentin Crisp

*******************************

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.

--Ambrose Bierce (_The Devil's Dictionary_)

*******************************

I think that all the right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up with being sick and tired.

I'm certainly not!

But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!

--Monty Python

*******************************

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

--George Carlin

*******************************

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

--JFK

*******************************

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.

--Ashleigh Brilliant

*******************************

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

--Ashleigh Brilliant.

*******************************

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

*******************************

Based on what you know about him from history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

1)Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

2)Advising the President.

3)Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

--David Letterman

*******************************

Once, at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease."

Disraeli replied,

"That all depends, Sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

*******************************

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

--Johnny Carson

*******************************

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.

--In the August '93 issue of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

*******************************

On one occasion, a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."

To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

*******************************

Don't worry about temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

--Farmer's Almanac

*******************************

G: "If we step on a mine, sir, what do we do?"

EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

--Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

*******************************

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

--Hunter S. Thompson

*******************************

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

--Mark Twain

*******************************

Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either.

--Matt Groening

*******************************

Time's fun when you're having flies.

--Kermit the Frog

*******************************

Calvin: "People think it must be fun to be a supergenius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."

Hobbes: "Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?"

*******************************

As those who have attempted to journey into the darkest depths of the Internet know, the information highway could more aptly be called the information jungle, the information swamp, or, at best, the information cow path.

--Andrew Gore, MacWeek 5/2/94

A guy is invited to dinner by his new girlfriend's parents. He's sitting at the table, patting their pet dog, when he feels the need to drop a fart.

Gently, he squeezes it out, but it goes toot and the girl's mother hears this. "Rover! No. Come away" she shouts at the dog.

Hearing this,the guy thinks "Great! The dog will get the blame for anything I drop", and lets rip with a bigger one. "Rover!!" shouts the mother.

A few minutes later, another trouser trumpet is released. "Rover!! Please!!".

Getting cocky now, the guy cultivates a real humdinger, and lets off a monumental flabbergaster which has the room reverberating.

"Rover!!!" screams the mother "Please!! Come away from there before he shits on you!!!"

_________________________________________________________________

__________________*******************************________________

Subject: sick humor!

A woman is in a coma.

Nurses are in her room giving her a spongebath.

One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy.

Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines...no pulse...no heart rate.

The nurses run into the room.

The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says "I think she choked!!!"

_________________________________________________________________

__________________*******************************________________

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

_________________________________________________________________

__________________*******************************________________

Once there was Jesus Christ, Saint Peter and another man playing golf in heaven. They were gambling big money.

They were playing a difficult 567 yds. par five, surrounded by water hazards.

The first to play, was Jesus he hit a nice 300+ yds. drive.

Then was Saint Peter’s turn, and he shot a perfect 1 iron right down the center of the fairway, so he could get it in home in 2.

Last was the other man’s turn to play. He hit a horrible shank, which went directly to a hazard, hit a rock, then a duck’s face, then hit another rock and popped up and stuck in the ass of bird who was flying overhead.

Then when the bird was right above of the green, it farted and the ball holed out cleanly.

Saint Peter turned to Jesus and said, "It pisses me off playing with your Father."

_________________________________________________________________

__________________*******************************________________

THINK about this....................

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.

Here is an interesting one...

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were know by their three names.

Both names compromise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

_________________________________________________________________

__________________*******************************________________

Subject: THE USAGE OF MODERN ENGLISH

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuc_k". It is one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pressure, love, and hate.

In language "fuc_k" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fuc_ked Mary) and intransitive passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuc_k.); or an adverb (Mary is fuc_king interested in John), and as a noun (mary is a terrific fuc_k). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fuc_king beautiful). As you can see there are very few words with the versatility of "fuc_k".

Besides its sexual connotation, this incredible word can be used to describe may situations;

GREETINGS "How the fuc_k are you?"

FRAUD " I got fuc_ked by the car dealer."

DISMAY " Oh, fuc_k it!"

TROUBLE "Well I guess I am fuc_ked now."

AGGRESSION "fuc_k you."

DISGUST "fuc_k me."

CONFUSION "What the fuc_k?"

DIFFICULTY "I don't understand the fuc_king business."

DESPAIR "fuc_ked again."

INCOMPETENCE "He fuc_ked up everything."

DISPLEASURE "What the fuc_k is going on here?"

LOST "Where the fuc_k are we?"

DISBELIEF "Unfuc_kingbelievable!"

RETALIATION "Up your fuc_king ass."

It can be used in anatomical description-"He's a fuc_king asshol_e."

It can be used to tell time-"It's five fuc_king thirty."

It can be use in business-"How did I wind up with this fuc_king job?"

It can be maternal-as in " Motherfuc_ker."

It can be political-"fuc_k Clinton – Bush – Reagan."

And never forget General Custers last words: "Where did the fuc_king JR come from?".

Also, the famous last words of Hiroshima: "What the fuc_k was that?"

And last but not lease, the immortal words of the Captain of the TITANIC, who said " Where is all the fuc_king water coming from?

The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when you say "fuc_k." Use it frequently in your daily speech; it will add to your fuc_king prestige,

_________________________________________________________________

__________________*******************************________________

Horses in race are:

1. Passionate Lady 6. Clean Sheets

2. Bare Belly 7. Thighs

3. Silk Panties 8. Big Dick

4. Conscience 9. Heavy Bosum

5. Jockey Shorts 10. Merry Cherry

At the Post

They're off!

Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured.

Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.

At the Halfway Mark

It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.

Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

At The Stretch

Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Dick is making a final drive.

Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish

Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final squirt and wins by a head.

Bare Belly shows.

Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pull up

Clean Sheets never had a chance.........

_________________________________________________________________

__________________*******************************________________

THE RULES OF INDOOR GOLF

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor, golf the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls of out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is completed. failure to do so may result in being denied the future permission to play the course.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attentionto course mounding.

8. Player are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing, to the owner of course being played. upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume a course is in shape to play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if the find the course to be temporally under repair. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Player should assume themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when playing a new course. Other players have known to become irate when discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

12. Prayers are advised to obtain the owners permission before playing the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. the course owner shall be the sole judge of player performance.

SPECIAL NOTE: Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at given course,additional assessments may levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change without notice. For this reason, many players prefer to play public courses only!!

_________________________________________________________________

__________________*******************************________________

THE LIFE OF AN EGG

----------------------

So you think your life is bad...

Just think how bad the life of an egg is...

You only get laid once

You only get eaten once

It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft

You have to share a box with 11 other guys

And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother

Now for part two! Let's try for a post-length record here! Many apple-orgies if you have read them before - but I couldn't give a <deleted> - I like 'em anyway. Enjoy!

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KIDS OR BIRTH CONTROL?

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving

18. You probably do not want to know what that odour is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Many are called,

Few are chosen,

Fewer still get to do the choosing

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- Dyslexics have more fnu

- Clones are people, two

- Entropy isn't what it used to be

- Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

- Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

- Eschew obfuscation

- Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs

- 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

- A mouse is just an elephant built by the Japanese

- A waist is a terrible thing to mind

- Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

- Anything free is worth what you pay for it

- Atheism is a non-prophet organization

- Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

- COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

- Editing is a rewording activity

- Everyone is entitled to my opinion

- Gene Police: YOU.. Out of the pool!

- Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure

- My reality check just bounced

- Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

- No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

- Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!

- IRS - Be audit you can be!

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Reflections on Life by George Carlin.

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said,

"Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

-------------======**********======-------------

SIGNS

In a Veterinarian's Office "All unattended children will be given a free kitten"

Parking Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR: "Parking for customers Only, all others will be neutered."

In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed. Don't sleep with a drip."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeons office "We can help pick your nose."

Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional"

-------------======**********======-------------

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."

-------------======**********======-------------

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

-------------======**********======-------------

A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I, need, to see the upturn, please."

"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination."

"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again.

"Yeah, okay but I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the girl replied "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I, haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."

-------------======**********======-------------

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hel_l alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you fart.

6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you never succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, don't worry, it was almost certainly worth it. If the loan was $200 then you only have yourself to blame.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.

21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.

-------------======**********======-------------

So beautiful, so Japanese

Now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows and DOS Systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said:

"We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been until now an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry. The haiku messages are just as informative as Microsoft's, and they make you pause long enough to resist the impulse to put a fist through the screen."

The chairman went on to give examples:

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

You seek a Web site.

It cannot be located.

Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.

Stop, reflect, and reboot.

Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask way too much.

Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.

This thousand dollar screen dies

So beautifully.

With searching comes loss.

The presence of absence.

"June Sales.doc" not found.

Windows NT crashed.

The Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

Three things are certain:

Death: Taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream

But the water has moved on.

Page not found.

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky.

But we never will.

Having been erased,

The document you are seeking

Must now be retyped

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank

-------------======**********======-------------

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a National Organization for Women gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect whether or not an individual is mentally challenged who appears to be completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"

The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

-------------======**********======-------------

REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS

1. So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day...

Look at the bright side,

she's a really good lay.

2. My tire was thumping....

I thought it was flat....

when I looked at the tire....

I noticed your cat... Sorry

3. You had your bladder removed

and you're on the mends....

here's a bouquet of flowers

and a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay,

won't that be a laugh,

when they find out you're one

of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy!

Hope you feel zippy!

'Cause when I had mine

I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you...

How upset you must be...

But don't fret about it....

She moved in with me

7. You totaled your car...

and can't remember why...

could it have been...

that case of Bud Dry?

-------------======**********======-------------

-------------======**********======-------------

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills. Cowboy: "Hey, that's a cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often,and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements." Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

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Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: " It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly.

"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.

"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are therefore a-breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over - I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

-------------======**********======-------------

COMMENTS FROM SCHOOL REPORTS

… attendance is poor, please can you make sure it stays that way?

… this pupil is producing his best work , … alas.

… serving doughnuts on another planet

... renewable energy source for hot air balloons.

… sloppy as a soup sandwich.

… watches “Beavis & Butthead” to learn vocabulary.

… slow as molasses in January.

… has a natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.

… always in the right place, but at the wrong time.

… in his optimum environment he’d be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.

… always loses battles of wits because he’s unarmed.

… swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.

… it’s hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.

… calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.

… needs another brain to make half wit.

… so dumb his dog teaches him tricks.

… needs both hands to wipe his behind.

… can’t count his balls and get the same answer twice.

… couldn’t count to 21 if he was barefoot and without his pants.

… cranio-rectally inverted

… still traumatised from the forest fire in Bambi.

… diarrhoea of the mouth, constipation of the ideas.

… enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.

… goalie for the darts team.

… God might still use her for miracle practice.

… Teflon brain, nothing sticks.

… needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied at the back.

… has the personality of a snail on valium.

… he’s so dense, light bends around him.

… lives in the same world, but a different universe.

… hasn’t finished evolving yet.

… knitting with only one needle.

… not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

… not the same since they took him off his medication.

… her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.

… one live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.

… puts a finger in one ear so the draft through his head isn’t annoying.

… only one oar in the water.

… her mind would be unstable even if mounted on a tripod.

… 1f God tried to help him, we’d have an 8 day week.

… on permanent leave of absence from his senses.

… plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.

… if he donated his brain to science, it’d set civilisation back 500 years.

… parked his head and forgot where he left it.

… only uses his head to keep his rain out of his neck.

… pedalling really fast, but not getting anywhere.

… if he were any more stupid he’d have to be watered twice a week.

… hypnotised as a child and couldn’t be woken.

… ought to have a warning label on his forehead.

… her sewing machine’s been out of thread for some time now.

… racing 50 yards with a pregnant woman, he’d come third.

… immune from any serious head injury.

… her ski lift doesn’t go up to the top of the hill.

… ready to join the anti-Mensa society.

… receiver is off the hook.

… understands English as well as any parrot.

… got a full 6 pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

… a gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

... has a photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.

… a prime candidate for natural deselection.

… bright as Alaska in December.

… single cell organisms outscore him in I.Q. tests.

… fell out of the family tree.

… The gates are down, lights are flashing, but there is no train on the line.

… has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

… if brains were taxed, you’d get a rebate.

… if you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get five pence change.

… one neuron short of a synapse.

… some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

… takes him 1 ? hours to watch 60 minutes.

-------------======**********======-------------

Quotes from the master.

He starts each law school class with the following:

I don't give lectures. The word is indicative of an authority on a subject, which when you think about it, is a claim of omnipotence. Rather, I postulate and expound. Nobody, as yet, has presented a successful tort and claimed recompense for those transgressions.

Lecturers are queried, harangued, and at times, ridiculed.

Postulating expounders are usually humored and offered a free beer. I do not claim omnipotence. Much the opposite. I claim human frailty. I revel in it.

From such a position, when one does not err, one finds oneself delighted. Ecstatic. Far too many graduate and go out into the world attempting to uphold the self-delusion they will ascend to near perfection.

In the legal game, generally speaking, there will be one winner and one loser. Thus, you are doomed. On the scale of averages you will lose about half the time. I would much rather send you forth into the void armed with excellence in mediocrity.

You won't find yourself let down nearly as often, be considered as a rule a more amiable person, and be the recipient of more free beer accordingly.

T. Gerald Gnome, atty. about law, Esq. Ret. RSVP, VUP (Very Unimportant Person),. Member in good sitting, East Tennessee Lard Allotment Society.

Other quotes from him: When in doubt, expound. When you run out of that, expand. Foresight is critical. Eventually you will run out of expand as surely as my Volvo runs out of a vast variety of liquids. Try to time the running out with potential court recesses. It should be kept in mind, the esteemed position of an attorney at law has many unique opportunities.

As example, public flatulence. You shall invariably find at times, few good plates of beans will win you sympathy and recesses where all the golden tongued eloquence of the world will fail.

-------------======**********======-------------

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself more forcefully with his wife. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you are the boss!"

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls: "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing... do you know who's going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and then tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," his wife calmly replies. "The undertaker."

-------------======**********======-------------

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

-------------======**********======-------------

A man arrives at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well, the Catholics are in Room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

-------------======**********======-------------

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman hold a party.

The Englishman brings six kegs of ale.

The Irishman brings six crates of Guinness.

The Scotsman brings six friends!

-------------======**********======-------------

A Marine that had been based in Korea for quite some time decided to get a massage.

He was laying on his back when the masseuse started massaging his lower stomach. She noticed a growing bulge under his towel and said: "You want jack off?"

He replied: "Like you wouldn't believe!"

"Okay," she said, "I come back ten minutes!"

-------------======**********======-------------

The year 2031 a father and son are walking through New York and they come to a mound of rubble in a cleared space kept as a memorial. The son asks his dad what's it for.

"Well son, this is the site of the World Trade Center, two of the tallest buildings in the world at the time."

"What happened to them, Dad?"

"Thirty years ago, some Arabs blew them up."

Upon hearing this, the child looks up at his father and asks: "Dad... what's an Arab?"

-------------======**********======-------------

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. Later, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!

"IMPOSSIBLE !!", said the groom broom.

We haven't even swept together!

-------------======**********======-------------

A day before his proctologic exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

-------------======**********======-------------

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship, until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Declan.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered, and scuttled away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor... and all could see that he was walking FORWARDS, one claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke...

"fuc_k, I'm pissed!"

-------------======**********======-------------

PRE-RECORDED LIVE!

(either that, or they have a different sun in Texas)

MY FELLOW ASTRONAUTS...

I appreciate you giving me a few minutes of your time tonight so I can discuss with you an issue that is so baffling and beyond my ability to comprehend, every time I try to wrap my puny brain around the notes Karl gave me, I want to lock myself in the guest house with a case of Lone Star, my Hank Williams Jr. CDs, and an eight-ball of high-grade Peruvian flake. But I can't do that anymore, cuz I'm Preznit now. So here I am.

I have been informed that research involving stem cells is an increasingly controversial subject of national debate. I must admit this was news to me, as I wasn't even aware that stems had cells. Nevertheless, I have been told by the people who are paid to make all my decisions that scientists and estheticians are currently wrestling with the moral implications of the work they do - whatever that work may be - and that our nation needs strong, firm leadership on the issue. And even though this "science" stuff is all Grecian to me, these people feel that I am the person best suited to provide the nation with this leadership. Heck, the fact that you're all watching this press conference is proof enough of my authority in the matter, ain't it?

So here's my dilemma in a nutshell: My administration must decide whether or not to allow your tax dollars to be used for scientific research on stem cells derived from human embryos, which I am told are kind of like pre-babies… baby babies, if you will. Kinda like that song... how does it go again? "Ooh, baby baby!" ...but I digress. Pause three seconds for dramatic effect… Wait a minute… Karen, was I supposed to read that part? What? Don't read the green lines out loud? Okay. Sorry!

Anyway, it turns out a large number of these embryos already exist. They are the product of a process called in veto fermentation, which helps men with weak sperms and their frigid wives to have babies, even though God decided they don't deserve any. When doctors put some sperms and an egg in a test tube and then zap it with 'lectricity, something weird happens, and the end result is a bunch of viable embryos. Sometimes these scientists can get up to a hundred embryos at a time, which I'm sure you'll all agree is a very high number, and a lot more babies than one woman can reasonably be expected to give birth to. In fact, according to my sources, the current maximum number of babies one woman can carry to term during a single pregnancy is twenty-five, which means a bunch of embryos end up being stored in freezers, and that's dang creepy. I mean, freezer babies! Come on!

CLONING'S HORRIFIC POTENTIAL...

As you can well imagine, research on embryonic stem cells raises profound ethical questions, because extracting stem cell destroys the embryo. Like a snowflake, a fingerprint, or a big pile of rocks, each embryo is a unique and special creature, with the genetic potential to become a person, just like you or me. We must keep in mind that these tiny persons have the potential to grow into consumers who buy things, which in turn fuels our economy. And the way I've been messing things up lately, our economy could use a good kick in the pants.

In my struggle with this decision - which I have unilaterally taken it upon myself to make on all your behalves - I decided to consult with scholars, estheticians, men of the cloth, Charlton Heston, a couple of Boyscouts, the Reverend Sum Yung Moon and the Mexican guy who pumps gas down the road a piece from my ranch. If there's one thing I've learned from these discussions, it's the fact that many Americans have developed firm opinions on the subject, despite the fact that most of them are as bone-ignorant about the science involved as I am. In many ways, I believe our ability to be violently opposed to things we don't understand is what makes America so special.

As your Preznit, I want to assure you that we have good reason to be terrified. It is no exaggeration to say that we have arrived at the threshold of that Brave New World prophesied by Aldous Huxley in his famous novel, the name of which currently escapes me, and which I must confess I have never read. I once had a nightmare, however, in which a vicious half-octopus, half-gorilla clone used its mighty tentacles to snap people's heads off in a crowded supermarket parking lot… and I don't think that's the kind of future America wants for its children.

We all know that science, when not reigned in by righteous moral leadership, can lead to unimaginable horrors. But the future is not the only place where scientific nightmares - such as my gorilla-octopus dream creature - dwell. Indeed, one may also look to the past for proof that the fires of scientific progress must always be tempered by fear and ignorance. For instance, in the last century, mad scientists created a Frankenstein in Transylvania. And even in our own day, Scottish perverts are cloning sheep in service of their own mysterious, unholy agendas. And don't even get me started on Galileo!

On the other hand, as Preznit, I also have to realize that science is a part of industry, and industry is run by corporations… corporations that bankrolled my candidacy and whose contributions helped me win an election… almost. Another factor I have to take into account is public opinion, and polls show that if I give the far right, pro-life lunatic fringe the decision they want on this issue, then I can kiss whatever meager chances I have of getting re-elected in 2004 good-bye. And so I have concluded that I shall henceforth allow federal funds to be used for research on stem cells that have already been harvested, but not on fresh ones. This way, we don't piss off the pro-lifers too much, we fool the soccer moms into thinking I'm a moderate again, and we give the pharmaceuticals lobby who donated so much to my campaign - the people in possession of the only stem cell lines that qualify for ! fe! deral funding - the monopoly they so richly deserve.

OUR CHILDREN'S FUTURE?!

But don't worry, folks. In order to avoid the dreaded octopus-gorilla scenario, I will be establishing a Preznit's council to monitor all on-going research in this field. The council will consist of scientists, doctors, oil industry executives, Alex Rodriguez from the Texas Rangers, my old frat brothers, leading figures in AM talk radio, and clergy from our nation's various crackpot churches, such as the Mormons, the Jehovah's Witnesses, the Scientologists and a one-hundred year old man from Louisiana who juggles rattlesnakes in the name of your Lord and mine: Jesus the Christ. We'll try to get a Catholic priest on there, too, just as soon as we find one who's never been accused of molesting an altar boy.

Anyway folks, I've taken up enough of your time, and to be honest, I really gotta take a leak. Thank you for listening. Good night, sleep tight, and God help America.

Yours Truly,

Preznit Dubya

-------------======**********======-------------

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says: "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says: "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work!"

-------------======**********======-------------

A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the atheist's brain which would cost him $10,000, or the Born Again brain, which cost $100,000.

"Does that mean that the Born Again brain is much better than the atheist's?" asked the man.

"Not exactly," replied the surgeon, "the Born Again brain has simply never been used."

-------------======**********======-------------

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed.

"You're certainly a courageous woman, "he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

-------------======**********======-------------

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.

The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle."

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

The patient explained, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

-------------======**********======-------------

Michael, who had problems with premature ejaculation, went to a sex shop for a remedy.

The clerk handed him a little yellow can and said, "This is Stay-Hard Spray; put on a little and you can go all night!"

Delighted, Michael took it home, stowed it on the cellar shelf and waited eagerly for bedtime, when he sprayed some on and went upstairs to his wife. However, it seemed to make him spend himself quicker than ever.

The next day he returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asked, "Did you hide this stuff on the cellar shelf?"

"Yeah, so?" said the disgruntled customer.

"You must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off."

-------------======**********======-------------

Only in America

Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do drugstores make the sick, walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures”...

Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

-------------======**********======-------------

Recently, the UN conducted a worldwide survey.

Only one question was asked:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey failed.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

And in America they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant........

-------------======**********======-------------

Top 25 Condom Ad Slogans

25. Cover your stump before you hump.

24. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

23. Don't be silly, protect your willy.

22. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

21. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

20. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.

19. If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

18. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

17. If you slip between her thighs, condomize.

16. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

15. She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.

14. If you go into heat, package your meat.

13. While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.

12. When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.

11. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

10. Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker.

9. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

8. The right selection, is to protect your erection.

7. Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.

6. A crank with armor, will never harm her.

5. If you really love her, wear a cover.

4. Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.

3. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

2. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

1. No glove, No love.

And one that just failed to make the final:

Don't be dead,

Don't be silly,

Wear a condom

on your Willy.

-------------======**********======-------------

Don’t you love the English language:

REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to

present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong! to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doe! doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race a! t all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

-------------======**********======-------------

The Chaos (by G. Nolst Trenité, a.k.a.

"Charivarius"; 1870 - 1946)

Dearest creature in creation

Studying English pronunciation,

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse

I will keep you, Susy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye your dress you'll tear,

So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer,

Pray, console your loving poet,

Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!

Just compare heart, beard and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

(Mind the latter, how it's written).

Made has not the sound of bade,

Say said, pay-paid, laid, but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as vague and ague,

But be careful how you speak,

Say break, steak, but bleak and streak.

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,

Pipe, snipe, recipe and choir,

Cloven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery:

Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles.

Exiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing.

Thames, examining, combining

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war, and far.

From "desire": desirable--admirable from "admire."

Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier.

Chatham, brougham, renown, but known.

Knowledge, done, but gone and tone,

One, anemone. Balmoral.

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel,

Gertrude, German, wind, and mind.

Scene, Melpomene, mankind,

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,

Reading, reading, heathen, heather.

This phonetic labyrinth

Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.

Billet does not end like ballet;

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet;

Blood and flood are not like food,

Nor is mould like should and would.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,

Which is said to rime with "darky."

Viscous, Viscount, load, and broad.

Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation's O.K.,

When you say correctly: croquet.

Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve,

Friend and fiend, alive, and live,

Liberty, library, heave, and heaven,

Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven,

We say hallowed, but allowed,

People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the difference, moreover,

Between mover, plover, Dover,

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

Chalice, but police, and lice.

Camel, constable, unstable,

Principle, disciple, label,

Petal, penal, and canal,

Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal.

Suit, suite, ruin, circuit, conduit,

Rime with "shirk it" and "beyond it."

But it is not hard to tell,

Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,

Timber, climber, bullion, lion,

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, and chair,

Senator, spectator, mayor,

Ivy, privy, famous, clamour

And enamour rime with hammer.

Pussy, hussy, and possess,

Desert, but dessert, address.

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants.

Hoist, in lieu of flags, left pennants.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rime with anger.

Neither does devour with clangour.

Soul, but foul and gaunt but aunt.

Font, front, won't, want, grand, and grant.

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger.

And then: singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, and gauge,

Marriage, foliage, mirage, age.

Query does not rime with very,

Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post; and doth, cloth, loth;

Job, Job; blossom, bosom, oath.

Though the difference seems little,

We say actual, but victual.

Seat, sweat; chaste, caste.; Leigh, eight, height;

Put, nut; granite, and unite.

Reefer does not rime with deafer,

Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,

Hint, pint, Senate, but sedate.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

Science, conscience, scientific,

Tour, but our and succour, four,

Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, guinea, area,

Psalm, Maria, but malaria,

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,

Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,

Dandelion with battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay.

Say aver, but ever, fever.

Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.

Never guess--it is not safe:

We say calves, valves, half, but Ralph.

Heron, granary, canary,

Crevice and device, and eyrie,

Face but preface, but efface,

Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

Ought, out, joust, and scour, but scourging,

Ear but earn, and wear and bear

Do not rime with here, but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,

Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, clerk, and jerk,

Asp, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation--think of psyche--!

Is a paling, stout and spikey,

Won't it make you lose your wits,

Writing "groats" and saying "grits"?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel,

Strewn with stones, like rowlock, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight,

Housewife, verdict, and indict!

Don't you think so, reader, rather,

Saying lather, bather, father?

Finally: which rimes with "enough"

Though, through, plough, cough, hough, or tough?

Hiccough has the sound of "cup."

My advice is--give it up!

-------------======**********======-------------

There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow.

He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the BMW Z-3 was the car to have.

So the snail went to the nearest BMW dealer and said he wanted to buy the Z-3, but he wanted it re-badged "S-3".

The dealer asked, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replied, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer didn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agreed to have the car re-badged for a small fee.

The snail got his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

-------------======**********======-------------

The Fox Pass

------------

In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a

large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain. With this

money he set about realizing his childhood ambition to become a

country squire.

He purchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and

proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a

manner none in his family had ever dreamed of.

Foremost of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well educated

man who assisted his master in every way he could to better himself.

The master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a

social situation, or to explain a new term.

One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked,

"Jeeves, what is this fox pass?"

"Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.' I'll give you an

example. Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom

stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning

Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose? And do you further

remember how later, at breakfast, Lady plushbottom asked her husband

"Is your prick still throbbing dear?" and you said "Christ!" and I

dropped the marmalade? That, Sir, was a faux pas."

-------------======**********======-------------

"Two hands working can accomplish more than a thousand clasped in prayer."

- anon

-------------======**********======-------------

Wanda's dishwasher broke down so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you a cheque. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!". "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him ! ".

-------------======**********======-------------

A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven.

St Peter met him at the door.

"You can't come in here," Peter said.

The Pagan asked why.

"You're Pagan... sorry. But hel_l isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's cool."

The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway, because he was, well, Pagan. So he goes to hel_l and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time. A man in a white comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and the Devil tells him of all the delights in what appears to be a 5 star resort.

"Wow!" thinks the Pagan. "hel_l ain't so bad! I'm happy to be here."

Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth.

After he disappears, everything returns to normal.

"What the heck was that?!" the Pagan asks Satan.

Satan replies, "That was a Baptist. They wouldn't have hel_l any other way."

-------------======**********======-------------

The Pennsylvania Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

-------------======**********======-------------

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

-------------======**********======-------------

Redneck Ted is going on his first overseas trip. He drives all the way into the city to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that he is visibly puzzled filling his passport application.

The passport official looks over his shoulder, and sees that he's trying to write "twice a week" into the small space labeled "SEX."

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female.'"

"Doesn't matter to me," replies Ted.

-------------======**********======-------------

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.

What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it."

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"

The ostrich says "I'll have the same"

And the cat says "I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.

"The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?"

The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

-------------======**********======-------------

Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

-------------======**********======-------------

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the fridge. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater that you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are!"

-------------======**********======-------------

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They did spreadsheets.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mail.

They sent out media files.

They did some genealogy reports.

They made cards.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became even more irate.

"Wait! He cheated! How in hel_l did he do it??!!"

The Son of God smiled, looked over at Satan and said: "Jesus saves."

-------------======**********======-------------

Ayatollah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Iranian leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Tehran for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking.

After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Iranian. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks.

As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation.

They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens.

George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.

They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back home to Tehran!"

George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Tehran?"

-------------======**********======-------------

By Mark H. Levine, Attorney at Law.

________________________________________

Q: I'm not a lawyer and I don't understand the recent Supreme Court decision in Bush v. Gore. Can you explain it to me?

A: Sure. I'm a lawyer. I read it. It says Bush wins, even if Gore got the most votes.

Q: But wait a second. The US Supreme Court has to give a reason, right?

A: Right.

Q: So Bush wins because hand-counts are illegal?

A: Oh no. Six of the justices (two-thirds majority) believed the hand-counts were legal and should be done.

Q: Oh. So the justices did not believe that the hand-counts would find any legal ballots?

A. Nope. The five conservative justices clearly held (and all nine justices agreed) "that punch card balloting machines can produce an unfortunate number of ballots which are not punched in a clean, complete wayby the voter." So there are legal votes that should be counted but can't be.

Q: Oh. Does this have something to do with states' rights? Don't conservatives love that?

A: Generally yes. These five justices have held that the federal government has no business telling a sovereign state university it can't steal trade secrets just because such stealing is prohibited by law. Nor does the federal government have any business telling a state that it should bar guns in schools. Nor can the federal government use the equal protection clause to force states to take measures to stop violence against women.

Q: Is there an exception in this case?

A: Yes, the Gore exception. States have no rights to have their own state elections when it can result in Gore being elected President. This decision is limited to only this situation.

Q: C'mon. The Supremes didn't really say that. You're exaggerating.

A: Nope. They held "Our consideration is limited to the present circumstances, or the problem of equal protection in election processes generally presents many complexities."

Q: What complexities?

A: They don't say.

Q: I'll bet I know the reason. I heard Jim Baker say this. The votes can't be counted because the Florida Supreme Court "changed the rules of the election after it was held." Right?

A. Dead wrong. The US Supreme Court made clear that the Florida Supreme Court did not change the rules of the election. But the US Supreme Court found the failure of the Florida Court to change the rules was wrong.

Q: Huh?

A: The Legislature declared that the only legal standard for counting vote is "clear intent of the voter." The Florida Court was condemned for not adopting a clearer standard.

Q: I thought the Florida Court was not allowed to change the

Legislature's law after the election.

A: Right.

Q: So what's the problem?

A: They should have. The US Supreme Court said the Florida Supreme Court should have "adopt[ed] adequate statewide standards for determining what is a legal vote"

Q: I thought only the Legislature could "adopt" new law.

A: Right.

Q: So if the Court had adopted new standards, I thought it would have been overturned.

A: Right. You're catching on.

Q: If the Court had adopted new standards, it would have been overturned for changing the rules. And if it didn't, it's overturned for not changing the rules. That means that no matter what the Florida Supreme Court did, legal votes could never be counted.

A: Right. Next question.

Q: Wait, wait. I thought the problem was "equal protection," that some counties counted votes differently from others. Isn't that a problem?

A: It sure is. Across the nation, we vote in a hodgepodge of systems. Some, like the optical-scanners in largely Republican-leaning counties record 99.7% of the votes. Some, like the punchcard systems in largely Democratic-leaning counties record only 97% of the votes. So approximately 3% of Democratic votes are thrown in the trash can.

Q: Aha! That's a severe equal-protection problem!!!

was not a problem.

Q: Was it the butterfly ballots that violated Florida law and tricked

more than 20,000 Democrats to vote for Buchanan or Gore and Buchanan.

A: Nope. The Supreme Court has no problem believing that Buchanan got his highest, best support in a precinct consisting of a Jewish old age home with Holocaust survivors, who apparently have changed their mind about Hitler.

Q: Yikes. So what was the serious equal protection problem?

A: The problem was neither the butterfly ballot nor the 3% of Democrats (largely African-American) disenfranchised. The problem is that somewhat less than .005% of the ballots may have been determined under slightly different standards because judges sworn to uphold the law and doing their best to accomplish the legislative mandate of "clear intent of the voter" may have a slightly opinion about the voter's intent.

Q: Hmmm. OK, so if those votes are thrown out, you can still count the votes where everyone agrees the voter's intent is clear?

A: Nope.

Q: Why not?

A: No time.

Q: No time to count legal votes where everyone, even Republicans, agree the intent is clear? Why not?

A: Because December 12 was yesterday.

Q: Is December 12 a deadline for counting votes?

A: No. January 6 is the deadline. In 1960, Hawaii's votes weren't counted until January 4.

Q: So why is December 12 important?

A: December 12 is a deadline by which Congress can't challenge the results.

Q: What does the Congressional role have to do with the Supreme Court?

A: Nothing.

Q: But I thought ---

A: The Florida Supreme Court had earlier held it would like to complete its work by December 12 to make things easier for Congress. The United States Supreme Court is trying to help the Florida Supreme Court out by forcing the Florida court to abide by a deadline that everyone agrees is not binding.

Q: But I thought the Florida Court was going to just barely have the votes counted by December 12.

A: They would have made it, but the five conservative justices stopped the recount last Saturday.

Q: Why?

A: Justice Scalia said some of the counts may not be legal.

Q: So why not separate the votes into piles, indentations for Gore, hanging chads for Bush, votes that everyone agrees went to one candidate or the other so that we know exactly how Florida voted before determining who won? Then, if some ballots (say, indentations) have to be thrown out, the American people will know right away who won Florida.

A. Great idea! The US Supreme Court rejected it. They held that such counts would likely to produce election results showing Gore won and Gore's winning would cause "public acceptance" and that would "cast[] a cloud" over Bush's "legitimacy" that would harm "democratic stability."

Q: In other words, if America knows the truth that Gore won, they won't accept the US Supreme Court overturning Gore's victory?

A: Yes.

Q: Is that a legal reason to stop recounts? or a political one?

A: Let's just say in all of American history and all of American law, this reason has no basis in law. But that doesn't stop the five conservatives from creating new law out of thin air.

Q: Aren't these conservative justices against judicial activism?

A: Yes, when liberal judges are perceived to have done it.

Q: Well, if the December 12 deadline is not binding, why not count the votes?

A: The US Supreme Court, after admitting the December 12 deadline is not binding, set December 12 as a binding deadline at 10 p.m. on December 12.

Q: Didn't the US Supreme Court condemn the Florida Supreme Court for arbitrarily setting a deadline?

A: Yes.

Q: But, but --

A: Not to worry. The US Supreme Court does not have to follow laws it sets for other courts.

Q: So who caused Florida to miss the December 12 deadline?

A: The Bush lawyers who first went to court to stop the recount, the rent-a-mob in Miami that got paid Florida vacations for intimidating officials, and the US Supreme Court for stopping the recount

Q: So who is punished for this behavior?

A: Gore, of course.

Q: Tell me this Florida's laws are unconstitutional?

A: Yes

Q: And the laws of 50 states that allow votes to be cast or counted differently are unconstitutional?

A: Yes. And 33 states have the "clear intent of the voter" standard that the US Supreme Court found was illegal in Florida

Q: Then why aren't the results of 33 states thrown out?

A: Um. Because...um.....the Supreme Court doesn't say...

Q: But if Florida's certification includes counts expressly declared by the US Supreme Court to be unconstitutional, we don't know who really won the election there, right?

A: Right. Though a careful analysis by the Miami Herald shows Gore won Florida by about 20,000 votes (excluding the butterfly ballot errors)

Q: So, what do we do, have a re-vote? throw out the entire state? count under a single uniform standard?

A: No. We just don't count the votes that favor Gore.

Q: That's completely bizarre! That sounds like rank political favoritism! Did the justices have any financial interest in the case?

A: Scalia's two sons are both lawyers working for Bush. Thomas's wife is collecting applications for people who want to work in the Bush administration.

Q: Why didn't they recuse themselves?

A: If either had recused himself, the vote would be 4-4, and the Florida Supreme Court decision allowing recounts would have been affirmed.

Q: I can't believe the justices acted in such a blatantly political way.

A: Read the opinions for yourself:

http://frwebgate.access.gpo.gov/supremecou...0-949_dec12.fdf (December

9 stay stopping the recount)

http://www.supremecourtus.gov/opinions/00pdf/00-949.pdf (December 12

opinion)

Q: So what are the consequences of this?

A: The guy who got the most votes in the US and in Florida and under our Constitution (Al Gore) will lose to America's second choice who won the all important 5-4 Supreme Court vote.

Q: I thought in a democracy, the guy with the most votes wins.

A: True, in a democracy. But America is not a democracy. In America in 2000, the guy with the most US Supreme Court votes wins.

Q: So what will happen to the Supreme Court when Bush becomes President.

A: He will appoint more justices in the mode of Thomas and Scalia to ensure that the will of the people is less and less respected. Soon lawless justices may constitute 6-3 or even 7-2 on the court.

Q: Is there any way to stop this?

A: YES. No federal judge can be confirmed without a vote in the Senate. It takes 60 votes to break a filibuster. If only 41 of the 50 Democratic Senators stand up to Bush and his Supremes and say that they will not approve a single judge appointed by him until a President can be democratically elected in 2004, the judicial reign of terror can end....and one day we can hope to return to the rule of law.

Q: What do I do now?

A: Email this to everyone you know, and write or call your senator, reminding him that Gore beat Bush by several hundred thousand votes (three times Kennedy's margin over Nixon) and that you believe that VOTERS rather than JUDGES should determine who wins an election by counting every vote. And to protect our judiciary from overturning the will of the people, you want them to confirm NO NEW JUDGES until 2004 when a president is finally chosen by most of the American people.

Mark H. Levine

-------------======**********======-------------

Okay, JC is screwing with Johns mind. Out there being a fisherman but not using a boat. Just walking around on the water. The dialog must have gone something like:

"Yo! John! Check out this fish!"

"Awwww, man! Why you doing my head like that?"

"Awww man in turn. What's the matter, John dude. No faith?"

"I have faith. I have plenty of faith. I AM going to get wet!"

"So? I don't part waters guy, just walk on them. Get out here!"

"Sure. Right." SPLASH!

"Oh ye of little faith."

Drip drip "Sigh. Okay, here goes nothing." Tred tred SPLASH!

"Closer. The Zen thing is the idea. The nothing being something."

"What the hel_l did you have in your coffee this morning?" SPLASH!

"Faith, dude! Faith is everything!"

"Sigh." SPLASH! "Okay." drip drip. "Run that by me again?"

"Mind over matter. As you are a perfect being, a child of the most high, you can command your own reality."

"Right." SPLASH! "You really enjoy screwing with my head, don't you?"

"Somebody has to. Otherwise you would still be dry, standing on the shore. Now check out this fish."

"Whoa! WHOA!! Hey! It works!"

"What works?"

SPLASH! "You asshol_e."

"(giggle)"

The general idea being, perfect action. Perfect mind. If a person has faith, there is no repercussion. (SPLASH).

Oh Mary Jane, dear? Didn't have much faith in what you said, did you? Love some of the bible. Especially John: "In the beginning there was the word and the word was with god and the word was god!"

Matt: "Pssst! What's with John?."

Mark: "Dunno. Something about the water. Keeps mumbling to himself."

Luke: "Word? What word? Malpractice?"

Mary: "JC is on a roll. Speaking of which, you still owe me from last time, Lukey babe."

-------------======**********======-------------

Word just in to this news desk. Microsoft's Outlook Express, due to the basic design of the program, can no longer be considered safe to have installed and in use on computers which connect to the Internet. (Redundant, but...).

It is strongly advised if you use this program, that all automatic features be disabled. Be aware, there are many concealed links, automatic functions, built into both various Windows programs, and the Outlook program itself that can be extremely difficult to find. If in doubt, have a competent technician assist you or use an alternate email program.

With the newest viruses on the internet, the chances are excellent you will have your computers hard disk, the information storage, wiped clean with all information lost.

Distribution of this information is at the individuals own risk as Mircosoft has successfully sued several persons and businesses for issuing this warning.

-------------======**********======-------------

Upon reading the box my new telephone came in I discover it has extra features I never dreamed of.

I assume the 'Thunder Arrest Function' means the phone is suitable for use in bathrooms in close proximity to the euphemism. In addition, I am informed 'You may mount phone if on desk or wall'. Think I will pass on that, but a novel idea all the same

-------------======**********======-------------

Tylenol is acetaminophen; Advil is ibuprofen; and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

It announced today that it has settled on mycoxafailin. Other names considered were mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin, mycoxnoworkin, and mydixarizen.

-------------======**********======-------------

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband's home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hel_l out there!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and out of the window he jumped.

As he began running down the street, he discovered he had by chance landed slap in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nud_e?"

He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Another runner then asked the nud_e man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The nud_e man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes! That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

He replied, "Only if it's raining."

-------------======**********======-------------

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said: "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said: "I've found a marvellous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister," said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?"

"I'd like some condoms please" said the nun.

The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked: "How many boxes would you like - there are twelve to a box."

"I'll take six boxes," said the nun. "That should last about a week!"

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed. "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and big liar size."

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said: "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"

-------------======**********======-------------

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.

-------------======**********======-------------

Court Docket 12659 - Case of the Pregnant Lady

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honour it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan s Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William s Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honour when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident" && I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED" the judge announced.

-------------======**********======-------------

Dear Sors

We are afroid we may have allowed our "Irish Virus" out into the woild and that you may have received a copy. Please note that no voirus checking programmes can detect this voirus and there is only one woy to clean it from your computer.

If you fear you moy have this voirus, please follow these steps to clean your systum.

Immediately unplug your computer and all its periferuls.

Carry all of it to your bath and put it in. If your bath is too small, use a swimming pool.

Fill the bath and empty two bottles of bleach in followed by a bottle of detergant. Leave it for at least 12 hoors or over nite.

After it has soaked for at least 12 hoors, plug it in to the electricity supply to finish the cleaning. IMPORTANT, DO NOT GET IN THE BATH AT THIS TOIME. (Paddy down the road was in the bath when he plugged it in again and he caught the virus from the computer. His wake is next Thoirsday for all who knew him.)

After it has been plugged in for a few minutes, unplug it again and empty the bath.

Take the computer outside to let it droy.

When it is droy, take it in and plug it in again. All should work poirfectly.

If you have any problems after this, contact the shop who sold you the computer, they will be happy to sort them out for you.

Please forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Seamus

-------------======**********======-------------

One day in the far future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hel_l, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hel_l.

"No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and! I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Clinton took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

-------------======**********======-------------

PICKUP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. My love for you is like diarrhea-I just can't hold it in.

7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuc_k.

8. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

10. You remind me of a championship bass-I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

11. Your parents must be retarded because you are special.

12. Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?

13. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open and I'll put my head in.

-------------======**********======-------------

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game.

After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run... run!"

The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard, R-r-run!"

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."

The next batter's count went to three and two.

As the pitch crossed past outside the plate, he held his swing.

The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!"

-------------======**********======-------------

The truth according to God

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look son, look what I've made".

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

God replied, "It's a planet and I've put LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there is a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of white people in the north and another one of black people in the south."

The archangel then said, "And what's that long white line there?"

And God said "Ah - that is New Zealand - the land of the long white cloud and that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; beautiful. Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast-line. These people here are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving. And I'm going to give them this superhuman, undefeatable rugby team which will be blessed with the most talented, and charismatic specimens on the planet, and will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE? You said there was going to be a balance."

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the bunch of loud-mouthed wanke_rs I'm putting next to them."

-------------======**********======-------------

Viagra Date

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places.

In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."

The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"

The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

-------------======**********======-------------

A hip young man bought a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It's the fastest and most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do 320 miles an hour" states the young man proudly.

The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes and the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.

It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down just slightly to see what it could be and within half a second, whhhoooossshhh! it whips by him, going much, much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari," the young man asks himself in shock.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him at an ungodly amount of speed! Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction and it looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?"

But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says,

"Oh my goodness! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror..."

-------------======**********======-------------

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Work like you don't need the money.

Love like you've never been hurt.

Dance like nobody's watching.

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself.

Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer.

At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good education. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll grow to a man you can be proud of."

And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved him? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.

His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

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WHAT EVERY GIRL SHOULD KNOW

Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction.

Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?)

One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

HOW "BIG" SHOULD A MAN BE?

Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion.

The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen.

HOW "LONG" SHOULD A MAN LAST?

Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."

HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?

The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?

There is no such thing.

WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?

This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?)

WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?

Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are

"GIB." Another example of male "after-play" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying post-coital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.

WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?

Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?

One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?

When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.

SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

Q: "If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?"

A: There is absolutely no way to tell.

Q: "What's the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and shiny?"

A: One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen.

The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look.

Q: "What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?"

A: You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"

Q: "Where should a man take me?"

A: Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking about.

Q: "What happens if he doesn't call?"

A: He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your 'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe runs an internet joke list, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover.

-------------======**********======-------------

Only in Britain

Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain...do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.

Only in Britain...do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

Only in Britain...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3 people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 people were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalectrix cars.

8 people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing up into the toilet.

-------------======**********======-------------

CLASSIC EMBARRASSING MOMENTS!

A competition was recently held to find out the most embarrassing moments in people's lives. The following are the final three place-getters:

Third Place

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.

As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.

I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!".

My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there !

My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

Second Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX,SUPERSIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks". In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system; "DO YOU WANT THE

KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND THAT YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER ?"

And the Winner Is ?

This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"

"That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data.

Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet ?".

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.

However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.

Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat.

-------------======**********======-------------

TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE ANSWER.

It took the Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to

figure out and revoke this

lady's personalized license plate:

3M TA3

Can you tell why?

See answer below.

FIGURED IT OUT YET?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART...

I GUESS NOT...

HERE IS THE ANSWER...

It spells EAT ME in someone's rear view mirror.

-------------======**********======-------------

TOP TEN SLOGANS BEING CONSIDERED BY VIAGRA.

...

10. Viagra - "Whaazzzzz Up?"

9. Viagra - The quicker pecker upper

8. Viagra - Like a rock!

7. Viagra - When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight

6. Viagra - Be all that you can be

5. Viagra - Reach out and touch someone

4. Viagra - Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

3. Viagra - Tastes great; More filling!

2. Viagra - We bring good things to life!

And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra:

1. This is your penis....... This is your penis on drugs.

-------------======**********======-------------

A Story Of Four Wives

Once upon a time...there was a rich King who had four wives. He loved the fourth wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best.

He also loved the third wife very much, and he was always showing her off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.

He also loved his second wife. She was his confidante and was always kind, considerate, and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her to help him get through the difficult times.

The King's first wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife and although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her.

One day, the King fell ill, and he knew his time was short. He thought of his luxurious life and pondered, "I now have four wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.

Thus, he asked the fourth wife, "I have loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing, and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "Absolutely not!" replied the fourth wife, and she walked away without another word. Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.

The sad King then asked the third wife, "I have loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No," replied the third wife. "Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!" His heart sank and turned cold.

He then asked the second wife, "I have always turned to you for help, and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?" "I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time," replied the second wife. "At the very most, I can only send you to your grave." Her answer came like a bolt of thunder, and the King was devastated.

Then a voice called out. "I'll leave with you and follow you no matter where you go." The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was so sad and thin, she looked half-starved. Greatly grieved, the King said, "I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!"

In truth, we all have four wives in our lives: Our fourth wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it'll leave us when we die.

Our third wife is our possessions, status, and wealth. When we die, it will all go to others.

Our second wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

And our first wife is our soul, often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power, and pleasures of the ego. However, our soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. So cultivate, strengthen, and cherish it now! It IS your greatest gift to offer the world.

-------------======**********======-------------

Useless Information, (Fact or fiction, still quite fun!)

* In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

*There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

* In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

* Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

* In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

* In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

* In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on

the premises."

* If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

* If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

* A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

* The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

* Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

* Butterflies taste with their feet.

* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

* Starfish don't have brains.

-------------======**********======-------------

So, you think that you are a bit sharp eh!

Try this!

(By the way, it may not work if English is not your first language - so, if that is you and you think that you are a genius - you might not be!)

Count the number of 'F's in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them

OK?

How many?

Three?

Wrong, there are six - no joke!

Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

The reasoning is further down...

The brain cannot ! process the word "OF".

Incredible or what? Anyone who counts all six 'F' on the first go is a genius, Three is normal.

-------------======**********======-------------

Bachelor’s Easy Fruitcake Recipe

1 cup water

1 cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup brown sugar

lemon juice

nuts

1 gallon Mount Gay rum

Sample the Mount Gay rum to check for quality. Take a large bowl.

Check the Mount Gay rum again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the Mount Gay rum is still OK. Cry another tup.

Turn off mixer.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Mount Gay rum to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the Mount Gay rum.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the Mount Gay rum again. Go to bed. Who the hel_l likes fruitcake anyway?

-------------======**********======-------------

At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Ambassador.

The Israeli Ambassador began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you...

When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content.

Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters of the pond. Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes have been stolen... And I have reason to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."

Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!"

"And with THAT in mind", said the Israeli Ambassador, "let me begin my speech..."

-------------======**********======-------------

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

(horny as hel_l): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I beg you ...please".

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says "Mom says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, she can come down herself and do it. But tell him to take his fuc_kin' hand off the intercom..."

-------------======**********======-------------

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN ASIA TOO LONG IF.........

1. The footprints on the toilet seat are your own.

2. You no longer wait in line, but immediately go to the head of the queue.

3. You stop at the bottom of the escalator to plan your day.

4. You habitually punch all the buttons as you leave the lift.

5. It has become exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anybody can get off.

6. You're willing to pay to use a toilet you wouldn't go to within a kilometer of at home.

7. It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting.

8. You rank the decision making abilities of your staff by how long it takes them to reply "up to you mister".

9. You no longer wonder how someone making US$200 per month can drive a Mercedes.

10. You accept the fact that you have to queue to get your number for the next queue.

11. You have considered buying a motorcycle for the next family car.

12. You accept without question the mechanic's analysis that the car is "broken" and that it will cost you a lot of money to get it fixed.

13. You find it saves time to stand and retrieve your cabin baggage while the plane is still on final approach.

14. You think the Proton and Kijang are stylish and well-built cars.

15. You walk to the pub with your arm around your mate.

16. You answer the telephone with "Hello" more than 2 times.

17. Your are quite content to repeat your order six times in a restaurant that only has four items on the menu.

18. A T-bone steak and rice sounds just fine.

19. You believe everything you read in the local newspaper.

20. You regard traffic signals, stop signs and copy watch peddlers with total indifference.

21. If when listening to the pilot prove he can't speak English, you no longer wonder if he can understand the Air Traffic Controllers.

22. You regard it as part of an adventure when the waiter exactly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different.

23. You're not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb.

24. You think it is normal to wait six days to get your laundry back or pay 50% surcharge for same day service.

25. Taxi drivers understand you.

26. You own a rice cooker.

27. Due to selective memory you honestly believe you could return to the western world.

28. You can shake your hands almost perfectly dry before wiping them on your pants.

29. YOU UNDERSTAND AND RELATE TO ALL OF THE ABOVE REFERENCES!

-------------======**********======-------------

Customer Service

This was posted very briefly on the McDonnell-Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too ....)

"Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.

[_] Mr.

[_] Mrs.

[_] Ms.

[_] Miss

[_] Lt.

[_] Gen.

[_] Comrade

[_] Classified

[_] Other

First Name: ____________________________

Initial: _____

Last Name: ____________________________

Password: ___________(max. 8 char)

Code Name:____________________________

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: _____ _____

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat

[_] F-15 Eagle

[_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth

[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19_____/_____/_____

4. Serial Number____________________.

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package

[_] Catalogue / showroom

[_] Independent arms broker

[_] Mail order

[_] Discount store

[_] Government surplus

[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up

[_] Store display

[_] Espionage

[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally

[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance

[_] Speed / manoeuvrability

[_] Price / value

[_] Comfort / convenience

[_] Kickback / bribe

[_] Recommended by salesperson

[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation

[_] Advanced Weapons Systems

[_] Backroom politics

[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America

[_] Iraq

[_] Iran

[_] Aircraft carrier

[_] Iraq

[_] Europe

[_] Iraq

[_] Middle East (not Iraq)

[_] Iraq

[_] Africa

[_] Iraq

[_] Asia / Far East

[_] Iraq

[_] Misc. Third World countries

[_] Iraq

[_] Classified

[_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Colour TV

[_] VCR

[_] ICBM

[_] Killer Satellite

[_] CD or DVD Player

[_] Air-to-Air Missiles

[_] Space Shuttle

[_] Home Computer

[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist

[_] Terrorist

[_] Crazed

[_] Neutral

[_] Democratic

[_] Dictatorship

[_] Corrupt

[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending

[_] Cash

[_] Suitcases of cocaine

[_] Oil revenues

[_] Personal cheque

[_] Credit card

[_] Ransom money

[_] Traveller's cheque

[_] Credit

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker

[_] Sales / marketing

[_] Revolutionary

[_] Clerical

[_] Mercenary

[_] Tyrant

[_] Middle management

[_] Eccentric billionaire

[_] Defence Minister / General

[_] Retired

[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf

[_] Boating / sailing

[_] Sabotage

[_] Running / jogging

[_] Propaganda / misinformation

[_] Destabilisation / overthrow

[_] Default on loans

[_] Gardening

[_] Crafts

[_] Black market / smuggling

[_] Collectibles / collections

[_] Watching sports on TV

[_] Wines

[_] Interrogation / torture

[_] Household pets

[_] Crushing rebellions

[_] Espionage / reconnaissance

[_] Fashion clothing

[_] Border disputes

[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?

Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION

Marketing Department

Military Aerospace Division

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Transportation

The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that hey used for building wagons which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we have the answer to the original question.

When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

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Subject: The truth!

Whoever decided to create this note and forward it on should receive some type of humanitarian award. It says it all! Enjoy!

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letters and there are no computer programs that track how many times an e-mail is forwarded, let alone by whom. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class action checks.

2. Procter and Gamble is not part of a satanic cult or scheme, and its logo is not satanic.

3. MTV will not give you backstage passes if you forward something to the most people.

4. The Gap is not giving away free clothes. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true."

5. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hel_l bent on believing the kidney theft ring stories, see:http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories."

None have. That's "none" as in "zero." Not even your friend's cousin.

6. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.

7. If the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain letter?

8. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm that an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with viruses. Try: http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html And even then, don't forward it. We don't care. And you cannot get a virus from a flashing IM or email, you have to download it....ya know, like, a FILE!

9. There is no gang initiation plot to murder any motorist who flashes headlights at another car driving at night without lights.

10. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. (Think Cut and Paste) It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ".." That begin each line either. Besides, if it has gone around that many times we've probably already seen it.

11. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.) in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is no longer a "little boy" either.

12. The "Make a Wish" foundation is a real organization doing fine work, but they have had to establish a special toll free hot line in response to the large number of Internet hoaxes using their good name and reputation. It is distracting them from the important work they do. Also, the American Cancer Society does not give 3 cents for each person you forward e-mail to. They ask for you to donate money, money, they don't give it, as if they could know how many e-mails you sent out...sheesh.

13. If you are one of those insufferable idiots who forwards anything that "promises" something bad will happen if you "don't,"-then something bad WILL happen to you if I ever meet you in a dark alley.

14. Women really are suffering in Afghanistan/Iraq/Saudi/Sudan, but forwarding an e-mail won't help their cause in the least. If you want to help, contact your local legislative representative, or get in touch with Amnesty International or the Red Cross.

15. As a general rule, e-mail "signatures" are easily faked and mean nothing to anyone with any power to do anything about whatever the competition is complaining about.

16. KFC really does use real Chickens with feathers and beaks and feet. No, they really do. Why did they change their name? In this health conscious world, what was KFC's name? Kentucky FRIED Chicken. FRIED is not healthy. So with the help of a focus group, they changed the name to KFC. It's short, doesn't offend dieters and it's easy to remember.

17. Another thing, just because someone said in a message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit," does not actually make it true.

PS: There is no bill pending before Congress that will allow long distance companies to charge you for using the Internet. Bottom Line... composing e-mail or posting something on the Net is as easy as writing on the walls of a public rest room. Don't automatically believe it until it's proven false...ASSUME it's false, unless there is proof that it's true.

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What is Easter?

Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful."

"Wrong! you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question - "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the se! second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave, which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third blonde continues ..! . "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can co me out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!"

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GM vs Macroshaft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would run on only five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

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Here are some Austin Powers one-liners:

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on shirt) ... Let’s get out of these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs ….. what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

5. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

8. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

9. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hel_l outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh. I’m sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

13. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

16. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.

17. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

19. You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.

20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

21. F$@*) me if I’m wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

23. My name is Austin … remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.

24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

25. Hi. I’m Mr Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.

27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

28. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

29. I know milk does a body good, but dam_n, how much have you been drinking?

30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don’t you like pizza?

32. Baby, I’m an American Express lover … you shouldn’t go home without me.

33. Do you sleep on your stomach? No…..? Can I?

34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel.

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RUSSIAN VODKA

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly."

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

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AIB = Allied bank of Ireland or Any Idiots bank

Subject: AIB have us sussed girls

Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-Thru" cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

To enable MALE users to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up:

1. Drive up to the cash machine

2. Wind down your car window

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt

6. Drive off

To enable FEMALE users to use this facility, the following procedures have been drawn up:

1. Drive up to the cash machine

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine

3. Re-start the stalled engine

4. Wind down the window

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card

6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror

7. Attempt to insert card into machine

8. Open door to allow access to machine due to excessive distance from car

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on inside back page

12. Enter PIN

13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN

14. Enter amount of cash required

15. Re-check make-up in rear-view mirror

16. Retrieve cash and receipt

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside

18. Place receipt in back of cheque book

19. Check eyelashes in mirror

20. Drive forward 2 metres then reverse back to cash machine

21. Retrieve card

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, place card into slot provided

23. Restart stalled engine and pull off

24. Drive for 3 or 4 kilometres

25. Release handbrake

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Felinus Medicus

How To Give Your Cat A Pill:

Note: Only follow these directions with a DOMESTIC cat. In the case of Lions, Tigers, Jaguars Leopards etc, Forget it.

1. Pick up the cat and gently cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply bandage to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink remaining beer left un-spilled. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sweet kitty's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill wedged under your right eyelid. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect the mutant cat from hel_l and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill.

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Try to retain all fingers in the process.

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Getting Very Drunk

Two buddies, Jeff and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Jeff throws up all over himself. "Oh, no, Jane will kill me!! " Steve says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple hours and get even drunker. Eventually Jeff rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you puked all over yourself! My God you are disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Jeff says "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you thinks, I only had a couple drinks! But this other guy got sick on me...He'd had one too many and couldn't hold his liquor! He said he was sorry an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill! "

Jane looks in his breast pocket and says "But this is forty dollars!"

"Oh yeah..." says Jeff. "I almost forgot! He shit in my pants too!"

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God Created The First Teacher

On the 6th day, God created men and women. On the 7th day, he rested. Not so much to recuperate, but rather to prepare himself for the work he was going to do on the next day. For it was on that day-the 8th day-that God created the FIRST TEACHER.

This TEACHER, though taken from among men and women, had several significant modifications. In general, God made the TEACHER more durable than other men and women. The TEACHER was made to arise at a very early hour and to go to bed no earlier than 11:30 p.m.- with no rest in between.

The TEACHER had to be able to withstand being locked up in an air-tight classroom for six hours with thirty-five "monsters" on a rainy Monday. And the TEACHER had to be fit to correct 103 term papers over Easter vacation.

Yes, God made the TEACHER tough...but gentle too. The TEACHER was equipped with soft hands to wipe away the tears of the neglected and lonely student...of those of the sixteen year old girl who was not asked to the prom. And into the TEACHER God poured a generous amount of patience: Patience when a student asks to repeat the directions the TEACHER has just repeated for someone else. Patience when the kids forget their lunch money for the fourth day in a row. Patience when one-third of the class fails the test. Patience when the text books haven't arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow.

And God gave the TEACHER a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart. For the TEACHER'S heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams, "I hate this class-it's boring!" and to love the kid who runs out of the classroom at the end of the period without so much as a "goodbye", let alone a "thank you".

And lastly, God gave the TEACHER an abundant supply of HOPE. For God knew that the TEACHER would always be hoping. Hoping that the kids would someday learn how to spell...hoping not to have lunchroom duty...hoping that Friday would come...hoping for a free day....hoping for deliverance.

When God finished creating the TEACHER, he stepped back and admired the work of his hands. And God saw that the TEACHER was good. Very Good! And God smiled, for when he looked at the TEACHER, he saw into the future. He knew that the future is in the hands of the TEACHERS. And because God loves Teachers so much, on the 9th day God created "Snow Days."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the

middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned

to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it

out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for

assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to

go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their teenage daughter came home

with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's

date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to

sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and

told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his

ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man

insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to

the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you

think he's going to be when he gets older?'

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, a gynecologist"

Poor, poor britmaveric. Hearing your story from last week-end made me sad:

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know if she was joking...

6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

(Sorry about this. I was an Idiot too, and needed company....)

Can you tell the difference ?

Arse or Elbow ?

(OK, not as good as Jai Dee's He/She pics, but it's a slow day)

Very good kerry. I can tell my arse from my elbow but not all the time! 12 out of 14!

Poor, poor britmaveric. Hearing your story from last week-end made me sad:

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know if she was joking...

that was hel_l funny

but you are kidding,aren't you?