April 12, 200817 yr that was hel_l funnybut you are kidding,aren't you? Maybe ! (fortunately britmaveric is on a different continent right now, and doesn't know where I live !)
April 13, 200817 yr Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him... Are you ready for this? Sum Ting Wong
April 13, 200817 yr MY FIRST TIME... It was my first time ever And I'll never forget I'd do it again Without a single regret. The sky was dark The moon was high We were all alone Just she and I. Her hair was soft Her eyes were blue I knew just what She wanted to do. Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers Down her spine. I didn't know how But I tried my best I started by placing My hands on her breast. I remember my fear My fast beating heart But slowly she spread Her legs apart. And when I did it I felt no shame All at once The white stuff came. At last it's finished It's all over now My first time ever At milking a cow...
April 14, 200817 yr With age comes wisdom Jai Dee loves to fish (when he's not patrolling the forum). He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say , "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. Jai Dee said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of." Jai Dee looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
April 14, 200817 yr Wow. I didn't realise the ladies thought of us men as anything other than wonderful, warm and caring providers ! 1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you. 2 Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
April 14, 200817 yr I was telling my mate about the time i had to kill a crazed Elephant with my club. "what you killed an Elephant with a club" he replied. "yes" i said. "blimey, how big was your club ?" he said " oh there's about 90 of us" i said
April 14, 200817 yr An unexpected ending there from bj! Yeah, it was pretty clean that one, hey Tiggs
April 14, 200817 yr Hehehe, Kerryd is a sexist femminist, it seems. I like PC jokes like those, good 'uns Kerryd. Gotta few here too.....ermmmm, quite a few, but some so funny. _______________________________ Angels Explained By Children I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.... HEHE -Gregory, 5 Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it . -Olive, 9 It's not eas y to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. -Matthew, 9 Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. -Mitchell, 7 My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. -Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from "Holy Cows !" -Jack, 6 Love dat one. Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. -Daniel, 9 When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. -Reagan, 10 Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. -Sara, 6 Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. -Jared, 8 All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. -Antonio, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. - Lynn , 9 Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. -Vicki, 8 What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Yeah, why? -Sarah, 7
April 15, 200817 yr When a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker, And his throat gets dry, He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new truck !
April 15, 200817 yr The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?' He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.' She says, 'Why, are you sick?' He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.' Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, 'Where the hel_l are you going'? She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.' He says, 'Why, what do you need?' She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot.'
April 15, 200817 yr In the Inverness job centre, a man sees a job vacancy for a gynaecologist's assistant. He asks for the details and is thrilled to learn that his duties would be as follows:- 1) Remove the ladies underwear 2) Wash and shave their nether regions. 3) Rub oil on the shaved areas. The salary is £55,000 per annum plus bonuses. "Marvellous" he says "where do i go?" "Plymouth" says the job centre clerk "Why? Is that where the job is" he asks The clerk says "No, that's where the back of the queue is mate"
April 16, 200817 yr Maybe I am crazy but this one just tickled me! Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads : "Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself Around Now! Before It's Too Late !" As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"
April 17, 200817 yr Maybe I am crazy but this one just tickled me! [/size]Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads : "Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself Around Now! Before It's Too Late !" As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?" Jusst came in email......lol Todays Quickie: A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, "Great. He's four and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
April 17, 200817 yr Received by email, from my Dad ======================= When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings'. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. Virginity can be cured. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!! "I don't want to know why you can't. I want to know how you can!"
April 19, 200817 yr Not really a short one, but priceless as to what kids actually hear from adults. This from NZHerald today. Candy McLennan of Sandringham writes: "Amongst our 3-year-old granddaughter's favourite exhibits at the Auckland Museum is the Spitfire fighter plane, and we've told her that Grandma's father flew it in the war. He actually piloted Lancasters but we don't let the facts spoil a good story. With Anzac Day coming up we thought we'd let her see some more of the military exhibits, and we attempted to tell her, in simple terms, what war was all about. Since there were photos of him around we focused on an evil man called Hitler. This morning her parents asked her what she enjoyed most at the museum. 'Rajah the elephant and the Spitfire,' she replied. 'And grandma's daddy used to fly the Spitfire and his name was Hitler."
April 22, 200817 yr Two Italians onna-da-bus; A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on it. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: 'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come on ce-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.' 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tell in' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'
April 22, 200817 yr Bankrobber who's face mask fell off for a split second to one of the hostages : " did you see my face" " euh yes" Bang, the robber shot him and then asked the man next to the unfortunate the same question. "Euh no I didn't but my wife did" cheers onzestan
April 22, 200817 yr A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his co_ck. A lady asks "What are you dressed as?" He says a fireman! You break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cu_m as fast as I can.
April 23, 200817 yr britmaveric was seated next to suegha on the airplane when britmaveric turned to him and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' suegha, who had just opened a book, closed it slowly and said to britmaveric, 'What would you like to talk about ?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said britmaveric. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. 'OK,' suegha replies. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.' 'A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' britmaveric, visibly surprised by suegha's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which suegha replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit ?'
April 23, 200817 yr Not really a joke, but is funny. Todays paper. Two German Air Force sergeants were suspended after being caught moonlighting selling sausages based on an old family recipe requiring human blood. Their first batches were made with their own, but as demand grew, they allegedly asked their colleagues. According to instructions from one of the men's grandmothers, all blood must be fresh. "Do not use too many breadcrumbs," she had written, "but if the blood starts to curdle, stir in a teaspoon of wine vinegar." Mite be good hawker food.
April 23, 200817 yr Not really a joke, but is funny. Todays paper.Two German Air Force sergeants were suspended after being caught moonlighting selling sausages based on an old family recipe requiring human blood. Their first batches were made with their own, but as demand grew, they allegedly asked their colleagues. According to instructions from one of the men's grandmothers, all blood must be fresh. "Do not use too many breadcrumbs," she had written, "but if the blood starts to curdle, stir in a teaspoon of wine vinegar." Mite be good hawker food. ps Kerry, very funny!
April 24, 200817 yr Not really a joke, but is funny. Todays paper.Two German Air Force sergeants were suspended after being caught moonlighting selling sausages based on an old family recipe requiring human blood. Their first batches were made with their own, but as demand grew, they allegedly asked their colleagues. According to instructions from one of the men's grandmothers, all blood must be fresh. "Do not use too many breadcrumbs," she had written, "but if the blood starts to curdle, stir in a teaspoon of wine vinegar." Mite be good hawker food. ps Kerry, very funny! My "flab" has never been so "bergasted" in my life, I wish I could think of a witty comment but the brain has gone blank. Granny wasn't originally from a remote area of Romania was she?
May 5, 200817 yr A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......
May 5, 200817 yr Amazingly simple Home Remedies: 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, get your spouse to pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto ! The blockage will instantly remove itself. (note: you may have to untie the spouse first) 2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing fruits, vegetables or meat by getting your spouse to hold the items while you chop. (Beware ! If you have been "butterflying" and the spouse asks you to hold the fruit/vegetables/meat, you could lose more than your fingers !) 3. Avoid arguements with the females in your home about leaving the toilet seat up by simply peeing in the sink. (remember to shave and brush your teeth before "rinsing" the sink) 4. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and let it bleed for a few minutes (preferably in the recently rinsed sink) thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer (and preferably do it alone, lest your spouse "accidentally" forget how long you've been bleeding). 5. A mouse trap placed on the top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. (Scorpions have a similar effect, but the little buggers won't stay in one place very long) 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough (or leave the bathroom. Now you'll be glad that you are peeing in the sink, as you know the toilet seat will be down !) 7. Your spouse only needs two items in her tool box - WD-40 and duct tape. i) If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40 ii) If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 8. Remember - Everyone seems normal, until you get to know them. (True enough, britmaveric seemed pretty normal, until I saw him dancing at Jenny's) 9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, You've got an electrical problem. Your Thought for the day: Some people are like slinkies - Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs !
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