My Thai wife just had a meltdown

[Traveler19491]

I was sitting in a bar on Loi Kroh Road here in Chiang Mai a few nights ago with the bar owner and an Aussie friend of his. Unfortunately, I had to listen to one more tale of woe as the Aussie gentleman (age 68) recounted his recent experience of having his wife of seven years dump him, and take the restaurant, massage parlor, house, and 800,000 baht for his retirement visa. So now he no longer has the money necessary to secure a retirement visa, has lost several million baht worth of assets, and has to return to Australia, all because he loved someone enough to entrust her with everything. One needs to be aware that, while certainly not the case in every relationship (I know of several that have done very well...at least so far), many Thai women are more than happy to play the "long game". They are well aware that the longer they hang on, the more they're likely to get. For them it's just a matter of timing. How long do I have to put up with this farang bugger before I pull the plug and walk away with the goodies. One more reason why no Thai woman ever has had, or ever will have, access to my finances. I have zero doubt that there are many good ones out there. The problem is that the bad ones don't walk around with signs around their necks. My advice to the OP; if your desire is to try to make a go of the relationship, you should immediately cut off any and all access to money. You handle all financial matters, and give her an allowance. I'd go over the house with a fine tooth comb, AFTER informing her that if she didn't immediately hand over everything she's squirreled away that you'll immediately hand her her walking papers. After informing her thus, if you find any more stashes, you high tail it to a divorce attorney. Any assets in both your names should immediately be re-registered in your name. If you decide to continue to trust her, you will probably find yourself on a bar stool at some point in the not to distant future, lamenting the recent downturn in your marriage/financial affairs.

Edited November 17, 2014 by Traveler19491

[canarysun]

If you are like many farang that come to live in Thailand and cannot live alone then it's going to cost you a bloody fortune! Thai ladies are very clever at " sniffing out " these types of lonely farangs and will " play them " to the bitter end....it's these types of stupid farang who pay a lady to stay with them out of " pure desperation " (unfortunately these types of lonely heart farang will walk away in the end with nothing.......)

F.J x

[farang000999]

Big mistake : Giving her access to YOUR account. You should have given her a generous allowance and made her responsible for buying the food.

sounds more like an employee than a wife.

why get married in the first place?

[Loptr]

Women are the same to world over, just like men... Once in a committed relationship you share everything and hope for the best, until things go pear-shaped... When things do go oblong, women can be very vindictive and will apply as much pain as possible on their former lover... Broad strokes, I know, but deny that it happens... In Thailand, the ladies have the upper hand in that the assets are in their name, UNLESS the foreign hubby protects himself... Trust is a wonderful thing, until you get your ass handed to you and all your assets are gone... No one is going to look after your best interests more than you...

[EmptyHead]

So after all this advice, what's the OP's decision?

[manly100]

Well I've cut her bank access and will stick with it for the time being. But trust is a problem now.

[zzdocxx]

She has cooled off then ?

How is her demeanor ?

[Liquorice]

Over what period of time did she conceal this money?

I had a long chat with my Thai girlfriend about your issues yesterday evening.

After 8 years of marriage your wife is only likely to do this if she doesn't trust you.

She may suspect you have another woman, or you plan to leave her in the future.

Maybe after 8 years the sex drive has dwindled, but whatever she doesn't trust you for some reason.

Go back to when she started being deceitful and try to establish what happened to make her feel this way.

Thai women get immensely jealous of other women, especially if they're younger.

I agree you shouldn't give her carte blanch to your finances, but she does need her own money.

Cutting of finances completely will only fuel the mistrust.

She should have her own bank account to run the household and a little more for her personal extras.

Give her a monthly allowance to control or she will feel completely isolated.

Obviously you don't trust her with money anymore, but in order for you to both rebuild the trust you need to sit down and find out what started this in the first place. You have to accept that you may have somehow contributed to her actions and that the mistrust lies with both of you now.

You were happy before this event, 8 years is a long time to simply pack it in. But a lot more needs to be done to repair the damage.

This isn't over for either of you yet.

[Traveler19491]

Over what period of time did she conceal this money?

I had a long chat with my Thai girlfriend about your issues yesterday evening.

After 8 years of marriage your wife is only likely to do this if she doesn't trust you.

She may suspect you have another woman, or you plan to leave her in the future.

Maybe after 8 years the sex drive has dwindled, but whatever she doesn't trust you for some reason.

Go back to when she started being deceitful and try to establish what happened to make her feel this way.

Thai women get immensely jealous of other women, especially if they're younger.

I agree you shouldn't give her carte blanch to your finances, but she does need her own money.

Cutting of finances completely will only fuel the mistrust.

She should have her own bank account to run the household and a little more for her personal extras.

Give her a monthly allowance to control or she will feel completely isolated.

Obviously you don't trust her with money anymore, but in order for you to both rebuild the trust you need to sit down and find out what started this in the first place. You have to accept that you may have somehow contributed to her actions and that the mistrust lies with both of you now.

You were happy before this event, 8 years is a long time to simply pack it in. But a lot more needs to be done to repair the damage.

This isn't over for either of you yet.

Good advice, but what needs to be taken into account are the extreme cultural differences. It's not at all like having a "Let's talk and come to an understanding" kind of conversation with a western female. First, face is most likely going to make it extremely difficult for her to admit blame, or accept that her actions have contributed to the deterioration of the relationship. Finding a point of common agreement is going to be a very complicated process. I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to work the relationship out. Just saying that you need to be aware that you're most likely in for a long, long process. It will probably go a long way if you can find some way to take some initial blame, thereby saving face for her. That may then make it a bit easier for her to admit to some wrong doing. Best of luck to both of you.

[grumpyoldman]

Over what period of time did she conceal this money?

I had a long chat with my Thai girlfriend about your issues yesterday evening.

After 8 years of marriage your wife is only likely to do this if she doesn't trust you.

She may suspect you have another woman, or you plan to leave her in the future.

Maybe after 8 years the sex drive has dwindled, but whatever she doesn't trust you for some reason.

Go back to when she started being deceitful and try to establish what happened to make her feel this way.

Thai women get immensely jealous of other women, especially if they're younger.

I agree you shouldn't give her carte blanch to your finances, but she does need her own money.

Cutting of finances completely will only fuel the mistrust.

She should have her own bank account to run the household and a little more for her personal extras.

Give her a monthly allowance to control or she will feel completely isolated.

Obviously you don't trust her with money anymore, but in order for you to both rebuild the trust you need to sit down and find out what started this in the first place. You have to accept that you may have somehow contributed to her actions and that the mistrust lies with both of you now.

You were happy before this event, 8 years is a long time to simply pack it in. But a lot more needs to be done to repair the damage.

This isn't over for either of you yet.

Good advice, but what needs to be taken into account are the extreme cultural differences. It's not at all like having a "Let's talk and come to an understanding" kind of conversation with a western female. First, face is most likely going to make it extremely difficult for her to admit blame, or accept that her actions have contributed to the deterioration of the relationship. Finding a point of common agreement is going to be a very complicated process. I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to work the relationship out. Just saying that you need to be aware that you're most likely in for a long, long process. It will probably go a long way if you can find some way to take some initial blame, thereby saving face for her. That may then make it a bit easier for her to admit to some wrong doing. Best of luck to both of you.

This is some super stuff, from an age old story, yet, modern views. Very much believe in the highlighted as well as "slow down, in replace of sit down".

For me, whether westernn woman or Thai, I would always have in place a your account my account scenario, and whose responsiblities for what bills lie from there. But maybe thats why GOM hasn't ever been married, ha, ha, ha

PS and reason for edit: 3rd eye, tail and no teeth,well,,,,could be a reason too..........

Edited November 19, 2014 by grumpyoldman

[Khunangkaro]

OP you said you are sad that you can't buy a house together but you previously asked for advice on renting out your townhouse.

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/719038-how-to-rent-out-our-townhouse-in-patong/#entry7691780

???

HowtorentoutourtownhouseinPatong?

Started by manly100, 2014-04-15 12:23

We want to rent out our furnished 2 bed, 2 bathroom Patong townhouse long term.

+13:01:35

Our whole family will be moving overseas.

+13:38:46

....we return in 2 years....

+2014-04-16 12:45:14

....I am here in patong for a while longer.

My Thai wife just had a meltdown

Started by manly100, 2014-11-14 10:25

....my wife making cash withdrawals regularly over the last few months....

+ 2014-11-14 12:43:50

.... I'm disappointed as I had hoped we could build a future together including buying a house....

[End Quotes]

@ OP manly100

Still in Patong? Or buying a house overseas?

Your wife might be confused same as I am.

She might like safe future....

Save for both of you or for herself?

[NanLaew]

Where would we be without the TV stalkers?

[jpinx]

Casts a very different light on the OP

[Liquorice]

So the OP has a new job in a different location.

He doesn't want to sell his old house, but he can't afford to buy a new house.

What's the problem?

That could explain though where the trust issues started.

[NanLaew]

Oh my! Did someone suddenly say communication issues?

[katana]

It's appalling how these people are, really......Everyday we have to hear about their lies ,and deceit . And how many people get injured, or killed ........we only hear a 20th of what really goes on here......Nothing has ever happened to me ,except once ,because of their complex of inferiority , but i have heard so many stories over the years......I really hate them sometimes.........

This post opens the box of the hidden Thailand . It's really good.

And you don`t think that this thread also highlights the lack of confidence, flaws and non-empathetic characters of these used and abused farang boyfriends and husbands, the long and suffering, who blame everyone closest to them for their own failures to hack it here in Thailand other than themselves?

Thailand is like any other country: a man only gets the woman he deserves. If he can't get a good woman he only needs to look in a mirror and start analysing his own character to know why.

Just as an aside, I've seen that film. The Thai actress in thhe scene, Dow Paratee, unfortunately died in a car crash 4 years ago at the age of 28. RIP.

http://siamsmile.webs.com/news/dow-paratee/dow-paratee.html

[Daniel Boon]

I enjoy ThaiVisa, more than I imagined I would (liked katana's words)

Why?

Because I see so many of my failings and short-sighted perspectives articulated by other people on the forums ... and it gives me the opportunity to address them, to be a better man for my Wife as well as myself ...

For many of us, it is our last hurrah to right some wrongs, make amends and man up ... take responsibility for our life to date and cut the cycle of abuse ... lead by example

[benalibina]

I enjoy ThaiVisa, more than I imagined I would (liked katana's words)

Why?

Because I see so many of my failings and short-sighted perspectives articulated by other people on the forums ... and it gives me the opportunity to address them, to be a better man for my Wife as well as myself ...

For many of us, it is our last hurrah to right some wrongs, make amends and man up ... take responsibility for our life to date and cut the cycle of abuse ... lead by example

Very good post. Likewise.

[inbangkok]

You say.....

"Now I suppose I could be wrong here but after 8 years of marriage I think this sort of behavior makes for a difficult marriage ahead for me, and I was hoping this marriage would last my lifetime."

Sounds like you already know what to do my friend. You say you are only middle age? That is great! No problem finding a new women to proceed in life with then.......

Eight years and she pulls a stunt like this........You would have to pay me millions of dollars to stay with a women like that........

[Liquorice]

inbangkok, on 21 Nov 2014 - 13:40, said:inbangkok, on 21 Nov 2014 - 13:40, said:

You say.....

"Now I suppose I could be wrong here but after 8 years of marriage I think this sort of behavior makes for a difficult marriage ahead for me, and I was hoping this marriage would last my lifetime."

Sounds like you already know what to do my friend. You say you are only middle age? That is great! No problem finding a new women to proceed in life with then.......

Eight years and she pulls a stunt like this........You would have to pay me millions of dollars to stay with a women like that........

Maybe a lot of women want millions of dollars to stay with some men as well.........................

Edited November 21, 2014 by Faz

[NanLaew]

You say.....

"Now I suppose I could be wrong here but after 8 years of marriage I think this sort of behavior makes for a difficult marriage ahead for me, and I was hoping this marriage would last my lifetime."

Sounds like you already know what to do my friend. You say you are only middle age? That is great! No problem finding a new women to proceed in life with then.......

Eight years and she pulls a stunt like this........You would have to pay me millions of dollars to stay with a women like that........

Exactly! When the cv joints started to give me problems, I ditched the Allegro pretty sharpish and got myself one of those Viva 2-doors, the Limited Edition one too.

I still wish I had saved up for the Dolomite Sprint though but it seemed like only single blokes could afford THAT baby!

[Shovel78]

Well I've cut her bank access and will stick with it for the time being. But trust is a problem now.

For God's sake man, she lied you straight in the face and not only once. How worse can it get in a relationship if one of you lies without a blink. Trust will always be an issue for both of you.

[Liquorice]

Let one man stand up and say I never told a 'white lie' before.................and if you do your a liar!

[Shovel78]

Let one man stand up and say I never told a 'white lie' before.................and if you do your a liar!

It is one thing to lie, and another to get caught doing it.

[Liquorice]

Shovel78, on 21 Nov 2014 - 15:02, said:Shovel78, on 21 Nov 2014 - 15:02, said:

Faz, on 21 Nov 2014 - 15:00, said:Faz, on 21 Nov 2014 - 15:00, said:

Let one man stand up and say I never told a 'white lie' before.................and if you do your a liar!

It is one thing to lie, and another to get caught doing it.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire'..................... which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Edited November 21, 2014 by Faz

[NanLaew]

Let one man stand up and say I never told a 'white lie' before.................and if you do your a liar!

It is one thing to lie, and another to get caught doing it.

I never lie. Never have and never will.

But I do admit to fair bit of plausible deniability.

[kevin2852]

I think that it is really nice to know what you would or should have done in someone else's situation, but really, you are neither close enough or attached enough to comment. Yes, in an ideal world where everybody obeyed the same rules, then one piece of advice would work everywhere. This is never the case.

I think that Op has done well and I think that he and his family will profit from what he has learned but Sitting here and saying " This is what I would have done 3 weeks ago !" serves no purpose now. Let it die

[ATF]

Well I've cut her bank access and will stick with it for the time being. But trust is a problem now.

What I would say to you is if this problem occurred when you first met her there would be a good possibility of working things out. On the positive side doesn't seem like she spent your money or gave it to her family.

It may seem like 8 years wasted but most women Thai especially start to lose the plot as they get older and start to lose their looks. The face cream quote is evidence of this.

She feels insecure and really there will be nothing you can do to put her mind at ease. Thai culture dictates as a woman gets older her husband will take another wife or GF.

If there are no children involved I would definitely leave but do it in a subtle way. Tell her you have to work away and steadily grow apart. Otherwise you risk her going postal.

Try to find someone who really appreciates you, don't fool yourself money will always be involved but it's all down to what value you are getting for your money.

If it's any consolation Thai women treat Thai men exactly the same way.

[kian246]

I think we should all be aware of the fact that life-long love relationships like our grandparents had them are not in line with modern culture, neither in the West nor in Thailand. Love is transient, a journey from waypoint to waypoint.

[theonetrueaussie]

I can see the ops next post being "My wife has taken all my money and run, what do i do now?"

Take everything you can and run before it is too late and you become another one of the stories on TV about how you lost absolutely everything and now have nothing left at all!!