Questions about Thai dowry - and what else to ask

[backtothailand]

Dear All

Thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully add some value to my questions.

I have been with my Thai girlfriend about a year now. I have lived in Thailand a few years.

We both want to marry very much and plan to do so later this year.

I will go to her hometown Hat Yai at the end of the month to talk with her parents - Mom - about the Thai Dowry and other wedding related items.

I have no issue with the Thai dowry whatsoever and more than willing to do so on an agreed price.

I think this is my first question - what is acceptable and what is not ? I have read many topics and its hard to gauge.

My girlfriend family have money. She is the youngest of three and the only girl. She is 25 - college educated - no kids - never divorced - works full time at the airport for an Australian airline. Her parents however still take care of her - bought her condo to live at near the airport - bought her a car - pay most of her bills. She is well looked after by mom and dad.

My questions are :

What kind of Thai dowry should i be expecting to pay?

Should i ask whether is will be returned or not ? As in is it for show etc?

Who generally pays for the wedding?

What else should i ask?

I would really appreciate some advice on the above matter.

Thanks

[aarontendo]

Get ready to be taken for a ride.

[backtothailand]

Get ready to be taken for a ride.

I see nothing wrong with following the traditions that her family see fit. These are the same traditions her father had to undergo when he wished to marry her mother - and the same traditions that her brothers will face too.

I asked a few genuine questions.

Can you answer them or not?

[Dancealot]

The dowry is an age-old scam. It's also a strong signal to break your relationship now, before it's too late.

[meatboy]

seems you havent leaned much about marriage those few yrs.youve lived in thailand.its not a horse or cow your buying,wait for mom to ask you about the

sin-sod,you should now its not only money,but gold,a house,a car.so let things take its course,they might be tooooooooo proud to beg.

if its a big wedding they want,invite hundreds,and hope they all come with brown [oops] white envelope's its traditional.

so my advice apart from the above take things slowly and let your future wife tell you.

30yrs.experiance and still married to the same one.

[aarontendo]

Get ready to be taken for a ride.

I see nothing wrong with following the traditions that her family see fit. These are the same traditions her father had to undergo when he wished to marry her mother - and the same traditions that her brothers will face too.

I asked a few genuine questions.

Can you answer them or not?

Since you will more than likely get nothing in the way of inheritance options (as her brothers and such would) then I would say there is a tremendous amount that is wrong with it.

I'm speaking in general, of course. I know nothing about your situation but I've long felt there should be a give and take on this sin-sod issue. So often it's you give proud Thai mom and dad all they want or you can take a hike.

[Baerboxer]

I paid off the balance of my wife's outstanding student loan debt. They showed this along with the wedding jewelry that I bought my wife. I gave the parents a small cash present each, no more than a Christmas / Birthday present to UK parents. That was it.

My wife's dad was only interested in seeing that I'd always take care of his daughter. MIL tried it on once early on but my wife put her in her place. FIL dealt with her.

A Brit guy married one of the sisters of my brother in law. She was mature divorced successful business lady. He gave about 15 of her relatives presents of between 10k - 25k THB each. His choice, no one pressured him.

Remember this is as much about face as anything. Look after wifey, buy jewelry for her, not for anyone else, and remember any cash shown on the day can be given back the following morning. All about showing off to the relatives, friends and neighbors.

[backtothailand]

I paid off the balance of my wife's outstanding student loan debt. They showed this along with the wedding jewelry that I bought my wife. I gave the parents a small cash present each, no more than a Christmas / Birthday present to UK parents. That was it.

My wife's dad was only interested in seeing that I'd always take care of his daughter. MIL tried it on once early on but my wife put her in her place. FIL dealt with her.

A Brit guy married one of the sisters of my brother in law. She was mature divorced successful business lady. He gave about 15 of her relatives presents of between 10k - 25k THB each. His choice, no one pressured him.

Remember this is as much about face as anything. Look after wifey, buy jewelry for her, not for anyone else, and remember any cash shown on the day can be given back the following morning. All about showing off to the relatives, friends and neighbors.

Thank you

[mihalis]

Wrong forum to ask... To many burnt men on this site to get advice...

Go with flow, what your happy to give with sin sod, is up to you, and your gf... Iv known farangs to give 100 tho, up to 2 million tho baht.. Depends on girls status.. My wifes brothers gf family are well off, and expect him to pay 400 tho, plus 200 in gold....

[backtothailand]

Wrong forum to ask... To many burnt men on this site to get advice...

Go with flow, what your happy to give with sin sod, is up to you, and your gf... Iv known farangs to give 100 tho, up to 2 million tho baht.. Depends on girls status.. My wifes brothers gf family are well off, and expect him to pay 400 tho, plus 200 in gold....

I appreciate your honesty. Thanks

[eddie61]

If she is chinese, I would suggest an auspicious figure. such as 888,888, depending on what you can afford.

I would also make it clear that that sum absolves you from taking care of her family apart from insignificant amounts.

Or pay off any property loans she is liable for so you start on an even keel... Good luck!

For what its worth...

[bridge2bridge]

If she loves you and wants you to look after her.

MONEY should not come into it.

MOST Thai's are just in it for the money.

I married one ( now divorced ).

And the family wanted 250,000 Baht.

I said no way, so she married me anyhow.

But after awhile she started to rip me off.

Now i am going with another one, and she wants to marry.

100,000 Baht has been mentioned.

Which i will not pay either, i have not told her yet.

So will be interesting to see what happens.

A bit of advice IF you marry her DO NOT SIGN any papers.

Go with the Buddha wedding.

If things go sour more easy to walk away.

Good luck with it all.

[mjnaus]

First off; try and ignore all the typical crap responses from all the regular sad figures...

I married my wife (also from Hat Yai) almost six years ago. My experience, and this is pretty much confirmed by farang friends (all in the Hat Yai area) having similar experiences, is that more and more Thai families see the dowry as a simply a part of the marriage ceremony rather then a way to extort money from the new husband and therefor typically will have little problems giving back all of the cash or some of it, depending on what you agree upon. I even know of a few cases where the family themselves simply put up the money, just for show. This might be different in other part of the country though...

Especially when dealing with families that are doing ok money wise, they will not be interested in taking/keeping the money. If I remember correctly, we put up 500.000 plus some gold jewellery. And before the wedding, we made an agreement on how much the family could keep (I think it was about half, to be used to pay off some debts). This last bit will come down on your chats with the family; you can start this process to check with your wife.

I know it comes as a major shock to all the bar dwellers on this forum, however not all Thais are out to rob us blind Like I said, for many modern families, the dowry is just a part of the ceremony, some money on dish to show the world the new husband can scrape some together.

It's just part of the Thai wedding stuff; you can choose to be a dick about it, keep your foot down and expect everyone to do things your way rather then the way it's been done here for ages. I found it easier to simply go with the flow... if you're family in law are decent people, this dowry thing should not have to be a big pain point.

Edited January 13, 2016 by mjnaus

[henry15]

Last july I went to the weding of the son of a schoolfriend f my wife in Surin.

The girl wa

[henry15]

Last july I went to the wedding of the son of a schoolfriend f my wife in Surin.(Sino Thai)

The girl was an University graduate, so was the groom, The father of the Groom was an MD.

The total value of the Sinsod was 10 milllion Baht. Its included a House, a car, Gold Bars and Cash.

And as Sino/Thai tradition, after the wedding ceremony it was all given to the Bride.

For myselfe I'm also married, my wife had no children and was nevetr married before, and Chinese, my parents in law never asked fpr a Sinsod.

Edited January 13, 2016 by henry15

[gerhardveer]

NOT A SINGLE BAHT - first they want your money according to "Thai-culture" and after they want it according to Western culture....I am married the second time with a Thai, never paid one Baht for dowry and NEVER had problems with that. I am and was always a happy husband... But I know A LOT OF GUYS where that dowry has been the beginning for the moremoremoremore...

It's a jackpot-win for a normal Thaigirl to find a honest farang and by that normally a rocket-like economical takeoff - WE ARE WESTERNERS and normally the Thai-wifes follow us guys to our countries till we get retired. SO WHY IN HEAVEN'S NAME we should follow the Thai-culture and NOT INVERSE.... !!!???

[kkup]

My wife was 29 when we married, no kids, no previous marriage, uni degree (English Major) and has a good job at the same Uni. Parents are poor rice farmers, no cash. I was asked for 100k, I gave 150 and paid for all the booze at the wedding, parents sorted the food. They know I will look after her, that's the main thing, we have a house and car etc that I have bought. I had no issues paying at all. We've been happily together 6 years now.

Don't always think you're getting ripped off. I can tell you that most of my wife's friends from work are married to Thai guys and majority of them paid more than I did. They aren't targeting you because you are falang. They would be asking for it even if you were Thai.

Just negotiate something you are comfortable with. Remind the parents she will be well taken care of throughout her life aswell.

Remember allot of the guys in here married bar girls half their age and have been burnt. They have become paranoid and believe everyone is out to get them.

This isn't the case for everyone.

[Zzon]

Not a dime... Get ready for the ride... Lololo

[Doc46]

NONE

[shina]

Sounds like she is from a decent family. I would say 1 million baht is enough. Some parents give back the Sin sod after the ceremony. You should ask her about it. I know it is very awkward to talk w the girl about this but for them is normal.

I think it is great the parents support her and not the way around, could mean they won't need your help financially. Sounds like a good one to me.

If she was an isan girl from a poor family not more than 100,000, not even thai men want them. My driver doesnt date women from Isaan. He always tells me they are lower than garbage.

[koolkarl]

Haha. A dowry is supposed to be paid from girl's parents to you as is tradition. They can give you a cow or chicken.

Don't get sucked into their brain washing.

[thaiduncankk]

I 'showed' 100,000 baht, but got it back after.

When we split up I gave her 6,000 baht and walked away.

Happy days !

[backtothailand]

My wife was 29 when we married, no kids, no previous marriage, uni degree (English Major) and has a good job at the same Uni. Parents are poor rice farmers, no cash. I was asked for 100k, I gave 150 and paid for all the booze at the wedding, parents sorted the food. They know I will look after her, that's the main thing, we have a house and car etc that I have bought. I had no issues paying at all. We've been happily together 6 years now.

Don't always think you're getting ripped off. I can tell you that most of my wife's friends from work are married to Thai guys and majority of them paid more than I did. They aren't targeting you because you are falang. They would be asking for it even if you were Thai.

Just negotiate something you are comfortable with. Remind the parents she will be well taken care of throughout her life aswell.

Remember allot of the guys in here married bar girls half their age and have been burnt. They have become paranoid and believe everyone is out to get them.

This isn't the case for everyone.

Thank you for your comments - much appreciated. There seems to be some notion with some posters that they are all been ripped off.

With her family i dont feel this is the case at all. They have money as i have said - own their own business - have a lovely house - and cars and generally are very good family people. They really want there daughter to be happy and from day one her mom has always stressed that. They come to visit once a month - we rarely ever pay for anything to be honest - we try pay but they wont allow it.

My question is never about them ripping me off - i know they will not do this.

My questions were what i should ask about in relation to Sinsod -the weeding etc.

[mjnaus]

Haha. A dowry is supposed to be paid from girl's parents to you as is tradition. They can give you a cow or chicken.

Don't get sucked into their brain washing.

Unless he's marrying an Indian girl; you're wrong

[MeHere]

I'm also about to marry, and my wife and I discussed this. We agreed to 300kthb, and that's fine by me.

She's proved that she isn't a greedy money grubber in the 4 years we've been together, and actually she's super lovely. I met her when she was 27, and she has no kids and was never married. She's actually put herself through university all on her own and pays back a student loan about 15kthb per year. She's been my anchor since we've been together, and I consider myself super lucky to find such a wonderful woman to be my partner.

Her parents are from Surin... Mom can't work due to a physical condition, and Dad's a construction worker off season and a rice farmer on season... Needless to say, they are quite poor, but raised her to be positive, lovely, and with integrity.

I have no problem whatsoever putting a dowry up when we marry... it helps her parents out immensely, and they are super lovely people who just want their kids to be happy and do better.

[khunpa]

I did not pay anything to marry my wife and never would have it it had come up.

I guess based on her parents having to support her although she has a job, means that you are going to have to take over that responsibility in the future. Good luck with that!

[backtothailand]

Sounds like she is from a decent family. I would say 1 million baht is enough. Some parents give back the Sin sod after the ceremony. You should ask her about it. I know it is very awkward to talk w the girl about this but for them is normal.

I think it is great the parents support her and not the way around, could mean they won't need your help financially. Sounds like a good one to me.

If she was an isan girl from a poor family not more than 100,000, not even thai men want them. My driver doesnt date women from Isaan. He always tells me they are lower than garbage.

thank you - Yes she is a great girl and from a very good family. Her parents dont need my money and that is for sure. Run there own business - lovely house cars - normal people.

They support there daughter - and yes i think its great. They ask for nothing from their sons either.

Her father was very happy when he met me as he felt he could stop worrying about there daughter being alone. On my first trip to meet them in Hat Yai before we left he asked be to keep her safe and look after her becasue he worried alot about her not having family near where she is which is Phuket.

[IAMHERE]

When negotiating be sure to take into account how young, handsome and well off you are. If it is easy to find another girl then negotiate hard. Also if you are very well off then the amount isn't that important. Sounds like you have a good girl. I wouldn't pay more sinsot than the cost of a good one carat diamond ring.

[RBOP]

I married a poor farmer girl. Mother asked for 3,000 Baht (15 years ago). That was about a months salary for mother. I put up 20,000 baht. Mother and close relatives threw in a a bunch of gold chains and made the pot look quite impressive. After the big showing they took back their gold and the party started. I forked out another 20,000 baht for the beer and food. Still married.

[mrfaroukh]

Traditions should be respected in any country. In this case you should be able to find out if they want to take you for a ride or they are nice honest Thai family. Remember if they buy their daughter a condo or car it is still in a family and she can always sell it and give the money to the family again if needed. Now if they are respected family they will not ask you for a huge dowry (as you say they don't even need the money). If they want too much money for the show then may be you should get some kind of guarantee (which is of course not respected by them too). Ask your girl friend instead of parents. Wish you all the best