Helping the wife - why keep a dog and bark yourself - what do you think .

[Once Bitten]

 I recently got chatting to a retired expat foreigner in the village where I live who invited me to see his newly built house and to meet his Thai wife . The house was impressive and his wife was a little timid but spoke enough English to hold a reasonable conversation . After a tour around the property we sat in the lounge generally talking while enjoying a beer or three . I happened to mention that I helped my Thai wife with the daily household chores , including sweeping and moping the floors along with washing and drying clothes from our washing machine and generally keeping the house and garden clean and tidy . I all so mentioned that I  help with other tasks such as gardening , shopping and cooking from time to time .

 

The guy's reaction on hearing what I did to help my wife was one of shock and horror   .  His first words were you must be crazy . So I asked why don't you help your wife ?.

 

His reply No I do not help my wife its her responsibility to look after me first and every thing else after that . She loves me and wants to do every thing she can to make me happy so I don't do any thing around the house . I some times pop to the local Tesco store or 7-11 to fetch some cans of beer or cigarettes . She loves doing the gardening and clearing things up.

 

He seemed proud that in his words , I never lift a finger and obviously he looked upon me as a fool   .

 

Personally I enjoy helping my wife in any way I can . I consider it a partnership where we both do what we can to help each other .

 

So this recent encounter with the retired expat foreigner  has got me thinking.

 
Could he in some small way have a valid point   .  So what do other forum members think , do you subscribe to his way of thinking and never lift a finger . Or do you help your partner around the house and do what you can  .

[bert bloggs]

I always help my wife , i sit there and give her loads of encourgment . why i even made her a cold drink earlier as she was sweating a lot .

[Briggsy]

It probably depends on

 

i) how he was brought up.

ii) his sense of self-entitlement.

 

The 2 are linked.

 

Any relationship is a complex set of compromises and red lines. There is no right answer.

 

For me, I don't need anyone else to clean me, pick up my clothes, clean my condo, put toothpaste on my toothbrush, etc. Other guys would live in a pigsty if their missus was not there to mother them.

[petermik]

He,s just an idle slob sorry.......he doesn,t want a wife just a servant

[robblok]

Any relationship is different as long as the wife is happy there is no problem.

 

I have seen it often usually with older expats where the wife is a slave (in a way) does all the work while the guy does nothing. I have lived alone in the past so i know how to cook and clean and do so if I have time (actually almost always cook for myself). 

 

It really depends... if the guy is retired and does nothing and the wife does all the work its a bit strange. Though if i were  to move to  a house with a big garden I would tell the GF there are 2 options.. i either concrete the lot of it or you do the garden (i hate gardening)

[steven100]

It's a bit of '  each to his own '  i would guess.

At the end of the day ...  if your happy and don't mind helping then that's fine.

I like to help some with gardening, cleaning, groceries and taking rubbish out .... but not overdo it.

[Kwasaki]

35 minutes ago, Once Bitten said:

So what do other forum members think ,

Seen 3 people come and end up going like that, sounds like his on holiday at the moment. 

[LannaGuy]

43 minutes ago, petermik said:

He,s just an idle slob sorry.......he doesn,t want a wife just a servant

Not much different in this feudal land friend

[1FinickyOne]

I had a friend who would shake his beer can at his wife and give her a dirty look, as if she should have known it was empty.. and she looked as though she really hated him. 

 

Whatever our jobs in a relationship, hopefully they are ones we enjoy. My wife and i enjoy different things and take on different responsibilities... 

[HooHaa]

so what is the point, to showcase your enlightenment or spotlight his ignorance?

[LannaGuy]

2 minutes ago, kenk24 said:

I had a friend who would shake his beer can at his wife and give her a dirty look, as if she should have known it was empty.. and she looked as though she really hated him. 

 

Whatever our jobs in a relationship, hopefully they are ones we enjoy. My wife and i enjoy different things and take on different responsibilities... 

Mutual respect (which does not involve beer can shaking lol) and your split responsibilities seems perfect (not that I would give up my free wheeling ways for it). 

[Kwasaki]

17 minutes ago, LannaGuy said:

Not much different in this feudal land friend

Feudal land for a foreign alien yeah but not for Thais.

I wonder if he has a least. ?

l wonder if he knows his wife holds the cards. 

[Crossy]

I am not permitted to assist Wifey around the house or garden unless she asks. Usually the "fetch xyz from the high shelf" type thing (cleaning is waay out of bounds), of course she always asks when I'm halfway through doing something vital, like posting on TV.

 

She also thinks I'm completely barmy to do anything DIY, "we can pay Mr Pqr to do that". Fact is I enjoy a bit of DIY and, truth be known, she gets a kick out of responding to "where did you buy that picnic table [or whatever]" with "hubby made it", which is often closely followed by "ooh, can he make me one?".

 

[weegee]

Hell...I spoil my wife a lot !!!!

 

It was her Birthday a while back, so i bought her a new straw hat so she wouldnt get so burnt from the Sun, while she was mowing the lawns....

Now thats what i call love,,,,

[1FinickyOne]

2 hours ago, LannaGuy said:

Mutual respect (which does not involve beer can shaking lol) and your split responsibilities seems perfect (not that I would give up my free wheeling ways for it). 

Agreed, respect is the foundation... and not only that, we have never ever had one of those pesky conversations about our relationship, nor even a discussion of what those responsibilities are... 

[chrisinth]

I do most of the welding & grinding that needs to be done, but she insists on doing the spray painting, better final DFT than I can get.............

 

I also do all the dog walking and power washing that needs to be done. Always make her first cup of coffee in the morning, then it is a ban from the kitchen for the rest of the day.

[newatthis]

The garden is my domain. The house is my wife's except I do the cooking occasionally especially when  I'm tired of hot, spicy food.

PS I cut my own toenails.

[smotherb]

3 hours ago, Briggsy said:

It probably depends on

 

i) how he was brought up.

ii) his sense of self-entitlement.

 

The 2 are linked.

 

Any relationship is a complex set of compromises and red lines. There is no right answer.

 

For me, I don't need anyone else to clean me, pick up my clothes, clean my condo, put toothpaste on my toothbrush, etc. Other guys would live in a pigsty if their missus was not there to mother them.

Well, it may also depend upon the wife. I was brought-up on household chores and started working for money at eight. I worked my way to prosperity, with the help of my wife. However, we are now retired and my wife does everything around the house: cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing, gardening, including DIY jobs. She does all the bills, and paperwork too--bank, immigration, landlord, travel. She even washes my bike and her car. She wants to take care of me, or so she claims; who am I to deny her wishes?

[akirasan]

yeah I try to but she shoo's me away often.

As far as I've been able to work out, my official jobs are snake/scorpion/spider relocator and keeping the car and motorcycles clean.

[tonray]

Whatever arrangement 2 people are OK with is acceptable. Help, don't help, every relationship is different. Some men give wife an allowance for her duties which pretty much amounts to hiring a maid you have se with. In others the wife has a career and financial decisions and burdens are shared. Whatever 2 people are happy with, works for me

[billd766]

It is my wifes job to keep the house clean and my job to do the outside work. I did offer to swap jobs but she shot that one down swiftly. She does "her" garden as I have a problem differentiating plants, herbs, grass and weeds and she also does the fruit trees. I deal with the grass and scrub on a couple of rai which, at 73, is more exercise than I want.

 

I make my own breakfast and lunch and she cooks my dinner.

[Kadilo]

Whatever arrangement 2 people are OK with is acceptable. Help, don't help, every relationship is different. Some men give wife an allowance for her duties which pretty much amounts to hiring a maid you have se with. In others the wife has a career and financial decisions and burdens are shared. Whatever 2 people are happy with, works for me

As long as everyone is happy as you say. What I find uncomfortable is when I've seen men ordering their women around to fetch and carry when they clearly do not look happy and they then appear to change from maids to slaves.


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[electric]

My wife has banned me from hanging out the washing.

Apparently I don't do it right ?    

 

Stuffed if I know how I survived so long before I married her.  

 

 

[Pinot]

I buy her the finest cleaning products and tools available. Washing machine...the best. 

 

Whenever I even try to make myself a sandwich...I'm chased out. "I do."

 

I long ago gave up lifting a finger around the home...or shopping. 

 

From the song by The Band, Up On Cripple Creek - "A drunkard's dream if I ever did see one."

[tonray]

2 minutes ago, electric said:

My wife has banned me from hanging out the washing.

Apparently I don't do it right ?    

 

Stuffed if I know how I survived so long before I married her.  

 

 

Sheesh man...your hopeless ! 

[Kadilo]

My ex used to complain that I didn't pack the groceries right. They go in the bag and 10 minutes later they come out the bag. How can you pack them wrong? 

[tifino]

 

 woo hoo, finally a henpecked husband's mens' shed thread 

 

I'm swept off my feet, by me missus's reaction to me doing anything domestic...

 

Swept off my feet feet being literally 'pushed out of the way:

if I approach the kitchen sink, she'll come running...

 

"you make a mess"

- what that means is that, in my eyes she simply loves the sound of running water, and does what's necessary to wash dishes, and have no visible suds anywahere.

- and what that means is that I'll put a little water in the ink (& of course use a plug); while missus will consume at least 20 litres, even if it is just one glass rinsing

 

 

the above is but one of the many

 

I am not allowed to even make a plain honey sandwich, without her yelling "you make a mess"

 

all I can do is sing back " ...just a piece of bread, dear..."

 

Heaven forbid that I take out the rubbish bin!!!

 - I'll take the whole thing outside, and extract the nicely cubic black plastic, and achieve multiple loads to neatly fill the rubbish cart

 - missus yanks the bag out of the kitchen bin (50Litre bag) , shake it aound into the shape of a big medicine bally, abnd then struggl it all outside, and then struggle to fit a 2nd bag into the rubbish cart

 

But what it boils down to, is that I am not allowed to do anything that lets me demonrate that I have a brain, and therefore able to think for myself

 

But (really yes!!!) in her words, I "am only allowed to do something - that she has Ordered me to do

 

The bottom line, and I get in trouble always when I reply my observation to her undermining agenda; being that she always Orders, never Asks me, to do (anything)

 

And what that really means is that by Ordering, not Asking - She doesn't ever feel the need to say a simple 'Thank You' for whatever I do for her

 

 

Instead of a simple "thank you" , it is a "I didn't Order you you to do that"

 

 

 

Edited October 27, 2017 by tifino

[pgrahmm]

Have a wife & two daughters.....

They literally do everything & get to chores/tasks before I stumble upon them....

My wife loves her gardening (I detest it)....Inside the house is always clean & orderly....Some things are a little different - shelves that I would use for display are used for practical storage = small price to pay....

 

I used to take it upon myself to do the family laundry, but when my oldest daughter got to a certain age and shoo'ed me away....I persisted & my wife took me aside to tell me it's important in LOS to teach/rear children to care for their parents + it would embarrass her if the neighbors were to see me doing the laundry......

I get all the DIY stuff + all the driving, car & motorcycle maintenance.....

Errands, any trip planning, etc.....And, of course, any time I take over the kitchen or bbq & cook - because I want to that particular day - however the girls like to learn/help Dad so I'm working myself out of a job.....

There's many times I see her start something & jump in to help....Sometimes we finish the chore off - others I'm shoo'ed away....

She has told me I need to let her take care of me & that she loves doing it/feels good about it....I always clean up after whatever I am doing/done and never try and take her for granted....Have never asked for my glass to be filled or anything to be fetched - don't touch or drink beer....

Please & thank are always used around our house....

I don't think I've known a more self sufficient, yet feminine, woman.....I've been with Asian women for decades so have been lucky in that regard....

Never a cross word from either/any of us - and that goes a long way.....

The girls were raised to accept/take responsibility for their actions and I think that has made a huge difference - although I was really wondering about the youngest for a few years - turned out a gem.....We take a Thai/western mixed approach there and it's worked....

 

That's my overly long answer to simply not so simple inexact "science" of having a Thai wife...

Edited October 27, 2017 by pgrahmm

[Laza 45]

4 hours ago, Once Bitten said:

Personally I enjoy helping my wife in any way I can . I consider it a partnership where we both do what we can to help each other .

Me too.. my wife does the floors.. I do the laundry.. she loves her garden and doesn't approve of the way I do things there so I tend to keep out of the way... she cooks anything I ask for.. I take care of myself when I want 'ferang food'.. she has a job so I help her as much as I can.. I enjoy DIY like Crossy above.. make tables etc.. and painting etc around the place.. it isn't just about sharing and support.. I like to keep active.. good for the mental and physical health.. 

[Naamblar2014]

4 hours ago, Briggsy said:

It probably depends on

 

i) how he was brought up.

ii) his sense of self-entitlement.

 

The 2 are linked.

 

Any relationship is a complex set of compromises and red lines. There is no right answer.

 

For me, I don't need anyone else to clean me, pick up my clothes, clean my condo, put toothpaste on my toothbrush, etc. Other guys would live in a pigsty if their missus was not there to mother them.

Opposite for me.  If it were left to my lovely wife well the pigsty would be paradise.